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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Those of you married for the second time....

18 replies

lemonstartree · 15/03/2011 18:05

How did you know it would be ok ? How long after the first marriage ended did you meet your new husband /partner ? What lessons had you learned from your first marriage?

I guess I'm addressing people whose first marriage /LTR with kids ended in divorce/separation rather than people who have been widowed...

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 15/03/2011 18:26

I didn't..I felt i was being dragged over a cliff and I couldn't stop it. I knew I was falling in love and I also new I couldn't help it.

ideally I would have liked more time on my own but I also knew DD2 was the one. It was like seeing in glorious technicolour rather than black and white.

DD2 is so straightforward and noncontrolling that it was easy to trust him. i couldn't trust myself for a while as i was still so emotional. I love him the more for seeing me through it.

Its 13 years on and still great..

mrshomersimpson · 15/03/2011 19:04

I didn't know it would be ok. It was four years later but I was still only 28. Neither of us had children and it was the second marriage for both of us. It turned out that my judgement had not improved, for he became controlling and emotionally abusive and put himself first even after the DDs arrived. It lasted almost thirteen years, but I only stayed the last eight for the children's sake.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/03/2011 19:27

for 'DD2' read DH2

gomummygo · 15/03/2011 19:41

I didn't know it would be ok and found it absolutely terrifying. We'd both been married before, and it helped that he understood that same fear. We had known each other for years.

LOTS of lessons learned from my first marriage but the foremost is probably to only be with someone with whom you share mutual respect - that covers a lot of ground.

Good luck if you're taking the plunge the second time around. Being in my second marriage is nothing like my first, it is a beautiful and wonderful experience that I am grateful for every single day.

lubeybooby · 15/03/2011 20:04

Not married again yet, but it's on the cards so to speak.

My ex taught me what I definitely didn't want in another man/relationship: A grumpy, lazy, emotionally abusive, unsupportive idiot with no ambition or creativity and wildly differing politics, views, opinions etc to me.

spingspong · 15/03/2011 20:18

Agree with other posters, you know more what you want second time round, or maybe more importantly what you don't want.

Ten years between marriages (was 23 first time) and our nine year anniversary is coming up later this year. I swore after first marriage that I'd never live with anyone again - would be with them, even marry them, but not live with them. That went out the window 8 weeks after meeting DH

I was also really quite content being single before he (DH2) came along - thought it would be nice if it happened but no biggie if it didn't, so was a bonus to find someone so great. I was terrified though, but in a good way, if that makes sense?

Smum99 · 15/03/2011 20:33

I think you can't know it's going to be OK however you do have to ensure that you have learnt something from your 1st marriage, what responsibility did you have for that marriage - even if it is "I chose the wrong partner because my self esteem was low".Then make sure that issue is resolved.2nd marriages have a much higher rate of failure than first so it suggests we often don't learn the lessons.

Other lessons: never ignore reg flags, listen and act on these. Give yourself sufficient time to recover from a marriage, typically 2-4 years to get over a divorce. Get to know yourself and what values are important to you. Allow for the honeymoon period to fade before you make a committment.

Lastly a 2nd marriage can be harder as you have to deal with finances that are more complex and you may have step children so having good communication with a new partner is vital.

SarahBumBarer · 15/03/2011 20:37

I think it was the quality of our arguments. We actually discussed things and got things resolved. He also just seemed to get me and managed to get me to open up. I found it quite painful to be honest but I was aware that I had really turned in on myself during my first marriage and become almost deceitful in my lack of honesty and openness so whilst sometimes lashing out I was also a little bit in awe of the effort he was making to really get to know me and the insights he was offering.

I'm still not entirely sure what he was getting in return at first that made him perservere!

SarahBumBarer · 15/03/2011 20:40

Oh and the main lesson I learned from my first marriage (or its ending) is that I CAN be happy on my own (although being happy with DH2 is definitely even happier IYSWIM) and the confidence which that gives you is amazing especially since I met DH1 as a teenager. Also I learned that if you are unhappy that is an issue and should be addressed. It is not a question of whether "we" are unhappy. I was single (with brief relationships in between) for 3 years between my marriage breaking up and meeting DH2.

Original poster

lemonstartree · 16/03/2011 17:58

Thanks.

I 'settled' first time round because, fundamentally, I didnt think I was worth better.

I know I'm worth better now.

I have only been seperated 9 months (divorce almost complete) after several years of emotional abuse and addictions (from my husband)... I have met someone, 5months ago now and I feel like migratingcoconuts -I know I have fallen in love, I didn't go looking for it, but I can't stop it. This relationship is so, so easy and as unlike my marriage (even in its early days) as its possible to be - it feels exactly right in every way.

But, understandably, I'm terrified that I'll make another mistake....and get hurt....

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 16/03/2011 18:21

take it as it comes and look after yourself. Always think through any strange emotions you feel and enjoy

You do sound like my experience...I settled first time too; I promised never to do that again.

JackieBauer · 16/03/2011 18:39

Am watching this thread with interest as I split from dh (after 18 years) 5 years ago, have dated since but nothing serious until I met a lovely bloke last november and have fallen head over heels for him.

Thing is I have a good job now, am financially secure and have a nice home, don't know if I could ever marry again or even live with someone, I just hope he wants to take it as slow as me :)

anothermum92 · 16/03/2011 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

catchmeifyoucan · 16/03/2011 22:30

Nice thread. I'm definitely in the 'never again' camp!

Original poster

lemonstartree · 17/03/2011 09:41

He is great with my kids, (3) - has has two of his own who are grown up, and makes me feel so special and loved. He has been a fantastic support to me during this rather acrimoniuos divorce process. Part of me just wants to forget the past and be bold, trust my instinct and go for it. Another part is shit scared.

I only had 3 months 'single' before I met him - and then another month before we started 'dating' - and I know lots of people think its 'too soon', 'rebound relationship' etc etc. If it WAS that would have been ok - but I really don't think it is. I feel like I have met the person I am supposed to be with, and that its so easy because its right...

Maybe I should stop overanalysing - but we are getting to the point of talking about future plans - eg would we live together etc...

OP posts:

undermyskin · 17/03/2011 10:01

Also on the cards for me I think - though technically not a second marriage as exP and me never married but together 17 years. If it doesn't sound too glib, I'm not sure I mind being married or not married as I know when I am committed to a relationship and when the relationship has legs without the need for a ring.

In the end my separation from exP has been very amicable and we have sorted all finances, arrangements for DC ourselves, whereas DP went through a bloody divorce from which there has been awful fallout. But he's the one who is very keen to get married. Not sure it all makes much sense if we are meant to learn from experience.

refmum · 17/03/2011 10:11

for me,i didn't learn first time round,i separated from dh1 and was only single for 5 mths,i was vulnerable and dh2 homed in on me,moved in on me and it snowballed out of control.I should have been single for longer,found myself again,i'd had my identity crushed and was a shell of my former self,a sitting target for the next man,a man who likes to "rescue" vulnerable women like i was.We were married 8 years and i have 2 wonderful boys but it was never going to work,we have recently separated and i have learnt my lesson to learn to be myself,grow strong by myself.

Advice from me...take your time

justhalfwaythere · 17/03/2011 11:51

First time round- knew it wasn't a great idea but felt I would be left on the shelf plus I wanted children - I was only 24 fgs. He was very subtly controlling, lazy, put people down and continually in debt. After 16 years I gave myself a shot of courage and walked as the thought of another 16 years made me feel physically ill. It wasn't easy and there were my four kids!

Six months later I met my next husband. Was a case of I knew what I didn't want and he ticked a lot of boxes - very financially secure, hardworking, generous, loving and worshipped me. We moved in quite quickly and married after a year and been together about 5 years now.

HOWEVER - I do wonder what life would have been like on my own - just making own decisions, not having to consult on things. It's not been an easy ride - issues with kids etc and I sometimes feel I'm staying to prove I was right marrying him.
With hindsight I feel I should have given myself some space and not got caught up in romance etc of new relationship.

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