Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

supporting partner through alcohol recovery

104 replies

poorlybear · 14/03/2011 23:54

That's it really, my dh long term drinker is now into his fourth week of sobriety

Does anyone want to join me for mutual support?

OP posts:
LearningSlowly · 15/03/2011 00:06

I followed you across...is that stalking?!? As a recovering alcoholic I can only try to give you that view point as I did on the prior thread, so happy to either contribute or butt out! All I can say is that the changes needed to achieve longterm sobriety are typically very profound and challenging but the rewards are immense. I have never yet met a recovering alkie (RA?!?) or their partner who did not find even the tough sober times better than the way it was. Hard to grasp all of that....which is why we keep it for this day only.

Stick with it and best wishes to all who pick up this thread....

Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 11:09

Please stay on the thread, I was quoting you to dh last night.

He is still sober, looks a bit better today.

How long have you managed, and what are your top tips?

OP posts:
venusandmars · 15/03/2011 12:09

Hi there, I'm in the same place as learningslowly - I guess that we all have our own ways of dealing with the internal and external pressures to drink. Happy to share if anything I say can be of use.

For me, the most profound thing was understanding that a craving for alcohol WILL pass. Over many years I had always given in to a craving because I imagined that once I had a craving it would only go away if I satisfied it by having a drink, and I could not bear the thought of facing hour and hour and day after day battling the immense desire. What I have found (to my surprise) is that however strong and powerful the desire for a drink was, if I could hold off (using a whole host of different approaches) then sometime later (maybe an hour?? or so) the craving had reduced to a level where it felt manageable (at least until the next time).

Good luck poorlybear Are you getting real-life support from al-anon?

Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 12:13

No, I probably need it. Is no local one in my town My dh is coping, some days he is in despair and physically in a bad way. Other days are better.

OP posts:
Anjelika · 15/03/2011 12:18

Hi

Can I join in? My DH had managed 3 weeks and a day alcohol free and was doing really well I thought. However, got home from work yesterday to a familiar and unwelcome scene - he wasn't madly drunk but after 3 weeks of sobriety it was very easy to spot. He denied it when challenged, I used my home breathalyser test (which he had hidden but gave back to me when he gave up 3 weeks ago)to prove I was right and left him to it. At least this morning he admitted it, said it was a one-off and that in a way he'd done it to prove that drinking was not a life he wanted to go back to. I am obviously scared stiff of what I will go home to today. i asked him this morning to try and explain his thought process behind actually going out and buying vodka then drinking it in the afternoon but he just accused me of being "too clinical" about it. He point blank refuses to get help. I think I'm kidding myself aren't I if I think this was just a one-off? Feel really gutted as life had started to feel good again, I'd started to trust him again and was even on the verge of booking us a holiday. Feel like overnight the trust has gone and I'm back to square 1.

Poorlybear - sounds like your DH is doing really well. Long may it continue. You must be so relieved he's going to AA meetings.

Anjelika · 15/03/2011 12:20

Sorry Poorlybear, we crossed posts. Don't want you to think I was saying your DH was doing really well in response to you saying that some days he's in despair and physically in a bad way!

Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 12:31

Oh A, it will be ok, can you get him to go to AA. I am sure this is part and the parcel of the recovery process -
My dh has found AA really helpful and he was adamant for years he would not/did not need to go/not for him

It stregthens him, like a marker untilt the next meeting

OP posts:
Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 12:33

I don't know what to suggest, sorry for my mawkish reply Blush i am sure someone who knows what they are doing will be along in a mo

OP posts:
venusandmars · 15/03/2011 12:52

anjelika Sad

Was it a one-off? Nobody knows - probably least of all your dh. There are lots of reasons why people will have a drink after a few weeks - sometimes self-pity / beligerance (why shouldn't I be able to have a drink, everyone else has one if they want it); sometimes just because there is a craving for alcohol and an opportunity to get it and drink it, and the resolve not to (in that nmoment) is not strong enough to stop you; sometimes because if you've gone without for 3 weeks, you want to belive that you are not after all an alcoholic Hmm, and that you can have 'just the one'.

I tried to stop several times without getting help, and although I managed for short-term periods, to make a difference long term I did need the support of other people that I could share with honestly, other people who understood and could laugh with me at the madness of my drinking brain logic. Do you know what of support is available in your area? is there anything that your dh might find less threatening than AA? (Although to be honest, the AA meetings I have been to have been nothing like I imagined).

Anjelika · 15/03/2011 14:03

Hi venus

I have explored local options other than AA - counsellors, support groups etc but he is adamant he doesn't need them. Both myself and DH's brother are trying to persuade him that he does but it has to come from him, I know. He gave up smoking donkeys years ago (went from 60 a day to 0 overnight) and thinks that he can give up drinking in the same way - which he obviously can't!

He had started talking last week about having a glass of wine with a meal when we go out (his suggestion not mine) next weekend when we've got friends down to prove to himself (his words) that he can just "have one" despite history strongly suggesting otherwise but yesterday's slip was nothing social - it was straight back into his dreadful habit of buying and drinking vodka in the daytime. I really want to nip this in the bud, as you can imagine, as he was doing really well and we were back to being a proper family- enjoying trips to the park without me worrying that we would bump into someone when he was either a) drunk or b) reeking of stake alcohol. I can't tell you how depressing I find going to the local park when he is drinking - I always end up in tears as I look round at all the "normal" dads who do not need to sneakily drink vodka to get through the day.

Anjelika · 15/03/2011 14:04

....sorry, should be stale alcohol!

Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 20:17

Anjelika until they want to change nothing can make them, my dh after probably 20 years of problem drinking suddenly came to the conclusion he watned to stop.
It may have been connected with a heartfelt ultimatum from me that I was not willing to police his drinking any more, to check he was not buying/drinking alcohol and that if he watned to carry on fine but that we would have to seperate because I could not handle the vomit, hangover anymore. I too reached a changing point. I was fed up with reeling from crisis to crisis and having a slight lull before the chaos resumed

He had always refused to go to AA but he changed on this and I think it helps because some of the people there are very accute he relates to them in some way, he knows what they are talking about

I know how awful it is when they are drinking, sending you hugs

OP posts:
Anjelika · 15/03/2011 21:08

Got home from work to find him on the verge of passing out so it definitely wasn't a one-off. I know in the morning he'll be full of "What happened?" - how lucky he is not to remember the hell he causes here! I have written it all down for him - a factual account of what happened after I got home from work and what will happen next - i.e divorce. I have SO had enough of living like this. How can he NOT want to get help? He had had 3 weeks of living like a normal person and was getting so much more out of life but he is now being dragged down again by alcohol. How can anyone want to be unconscious by 5.30 in the afternoon? I'm sorry but I don't understand it and I'm tired to death of trying to.

Sorry poorlybear - I know this thread is supposed to be about supporting a partner who has given up and I am now hogging it with my problems. I was walking in those shoes till yesterday!

Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 23:43

You are not hogging it. Keep posting. Hugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
poorlybear · 15/03/2011 23:45

Have you tried al anon?, i have not yet but want to try it

OP posts:
LearningSlowly · 16/03/2011 00:39

Poor A. Sounds so familiar. I'm afraid ur DH doesn't want to be unconscious by 5.30 in the afternoon. He is ill and has no control. Unfortunately we have to hit what we call a rockbottom to accept that we can not take a drink just for today. Tell me never, ever and my head will spin and explode ( even tho I know that is the reality). if I can just stay off today, then I can do it again tomorrow. Sounds crazy but it works. I'm sure some very few folk get and stay sober all on their own...I don't know of any. Most rehabs, detox units etc are effectively gateways to AA. That is where I found help and your DH should try IMHO. The difficult bit is that telling him it's going To be all ok (even if you felt that way) will not help. This ilness does nor respond to sympathy. If we drink, we can't be let drag others down...we sadly have to hit our bottoms to see that we need help. It's what we call "tough love"....the best u can do for your DH is to be firm and protect yourself and family from him. Only he can make the decision to get help for himself and having gone through it myself it is hellish, but has to be done. I really wish you well and agree that alanon is a good support source for you....

LearningSlowly · 16/03/2011 00:51

PB, I'm now coming up to 2 years..or as I prefer to see it, about 731 days!

By the way, to all, the book of AA (known as the Big Book) is here ......www.aa.org/bigbookonline/. If u want to know what it feels like read Chapter 11. The language may sound a bit old fashioned but this book is decades old and is as true today as it was back then.

If going to AA is a step too far, maybe see if u can get your DH to read this....hopefully it might highlight that they are not alone...and that there really is a solution ( not a cure as such, but a solution)

Anjelika · 16/03/2011 10:23

Thanks. I would love to go to Al-anon but am finding it difficult to get to a meeting what with work and childcare. LearningSlowly - it's interesting that you recommend "tough love" as that's kind of the approach I'm taking with him. I am now telling him that I can't control what he does and whether he chooses to drink but I can and will control what I do. This morning I finally told work what is going on at home so feel relieved for that. What I'm going to do in the future though, I still haven't worked out. I thought he had reached rock bottom 3 weeks ago when he woke up and announced he no longer drank. He finally admitted to me and a few other people that day that he did have a problem with alcohol BUT he still refused (as he does now) to get any help. Is there anything I can do to make him see he needs help?

A

Original poster
poorlybear · 16/03/2011 11:23

It is a journey I think for many. My dh prior to the big realisation used to occasionally admit there was a problem but then we would go back to square one.

We had health problems physical and mental. everyone is different but I think all changed when I said I no longer watned to fight him and the drink if he wanted drink ok but I did not want to share my life with the drink anymore

We may still go back to square one, taking a day at a time the big diff for him is AA attendance and the admittance of the problem
I am helping all I can eg last night we did role plays of the work drink and practising saying 'i don't drin' with that tone that says thats it like I don't eat meat/smoke etc..

OP posts:
LearningSlowly · 16/03/2011 13:00

It is indeed a journey. We alcoholics often admit we have a problem ( and that is of course a big step, to acknowledge it publically) but the biggest step is to actually accept that ourselves. I'm not playing with words here...the difference between public admittance and internal acceptance is massive. I know because it took me 12 months to do it, although some do it much faster including in a single instant, so don't lose hope! Back later...

Anjelika · 16/03/2011 13:40

Poorlybear I have stopped fighting DH and the drink too. I don't bother searching for it any more and I don't bother trying to hide his wallet so he can't buy it etc. Have just spoken to him by phone and he is perfectly nice and sober (as he usually is at this time of day)but who knows what I will come home to later? Do you know what finally made your DH agree to get help? When you said you no longer wanted to share your life with the drink, were you talking about leaving him? Mine knows I've twice seen a solicitor & that if this continues I will get a divorce but it's not making any difference.

LearningSlowly · 16/03/2011 14:19

Don't want to scare u too much, but the power of this illness is awesome. I cud not do it for my other half, my kids or my work....I had to do it for myself. Tough love may mean moving out for a bit....mine was coming down to breakfast one morning to find two strangers waiting to take me to rehab (as arranged by my other half without my knowledge). Hated it at the time but this was the start of my journey towards the fantastic life I have today. I could not see it or conceive it at the time because alcohol had such a grip om me....this is what is so hard to break out of and see beyond having used alcohol as a crutch for many years...

Original poster
poorlybear · 16/03/2011 15:14

I think it was the realisatino that I was giving up on the fight and would leave him to it if that was what he wanted. I also was putting our financial affairs, life insurance, wills in order because I honestly thought he might die. I discussed all of this with him.
But I don't know if it was that I think it was somethign in him that changed, he just says there has been a fundamental change he wants to change sounds like a cliche and so not him
I think for him he does not want to continue.

Someone at AA was saying drinking is like running round teh woods in the dark with a blindfold on and he said he agrees but he does not want to do it anymore
For some there is a change and for others not, god knows where we are in our journey or what lies ahead...
all good wishes, keep posting I need the support too Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
poorlybear · 16/03/2011 15:15

And Anjlika maybe you have to do it, ie leave him, but from my own experience I dreaded having to do that so I know it is a hard one to call

OP posts:
Anjelika · 16/03/2011 16:00

I would love to leave him until he came to his senses - the only problem is I have 3 children (a 4 year old and 11 month old twins) and I really don't have anywhere to go. I have no relatives nearby. A friend has offered to put us up temporarily if it all gets too much but she has a partner and 2 DCs of her own and admits herself it would be a real squash. A part of me also thinks why should I be the one to move out and uproot the DCs when I've done nothing wrong? I spoke to the solicitor about getting an occupation order to force him to leave and that is another option but one that will take time whereas I'd just like to chuck him out tonight if I get home to find he's been drinking again. I told him only this morning that he is going to end up as just a sad man on his own with a drink problem (something I'd read on another thread and thought "how true")