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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

supporting partner through alcohol recovery

104 replies

poorlybear · 14/03/2011 23:54

That's it really, my dh long term drinker is now into his fourth week of sobriety

Does anyone want to join me for mutual support?

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 07/04/2011 22:28

halfcaffodils, sorry I didn't come back to this thread earlier. Shame you had to miss your Al-anon meeting tonight, but at least he's said he's gone to AA. I always found this site really helpful when I couldn't get to meetings. Are you working the steps with a sponsor?

My previous post was really about detachment and it does still apply now. It's not just about detaching from his active drinking, but also about detaching from his recovery. Just as you couldn't control his drinking (no matter how much you tried Smile), you can't control his recovery. It's up to him how he deals with it. "Wait to be asked" was the hardest thing for me to grasp, especially in those early days of not drinking.

I can't give you a happy ending from my side as I split up with my ex and as far as I know (which is very little), he is still drinking. Well, I can give you a happy ending in that my life is no longer dominated by someone elses drinking and my attempts to control it.

Lots more I could say, but I don't want to dominate your thread. Hope things keep improving.

AyeRobot · 07/04/2011 22:29

Oh dear. When I said "at least he's said he's gone to AA", I was leaving it open to that result. Been there, done that.

So sorry.

Anjelika · 08/04/2011 09:39

Halfcaff - you must be fuming about last night. It's incredible the way they lie about having had a drink when they are quite clearly the worse for wear. My DH can carry that one on for days and I end up sneaking around trying to catch him out just so that the "game" can end. He once carried it on for about a week, even agreeing with me that he should go and see the doctor to try and get to the bottom of why he appeared completley bladdered when he hadn't touched a drop! In the end I found a couple of till receipts showing he had been buying vodka - I actually kept hold of them for about a day and kept playing the "game" until I could take no more and exploded.

Has your DH admitted today that he was drinking last night? Is his doctor's appointment this morning or later? Hopefully that might kick start him into giving up again. Would he consider counselling? My DH would never go to AA in a million years - he's very shy for one thing - but he is now seeing a counsellor every week. I think for him the one-on-one thing is much better.

Really sorry again to hear about last night - it must feel like a double kick in the teeth when he's pretending to go to a meeting!

AyeRobot · 08/04/2011 10:51

Hope you're ok today, halfcaff.

I was looking through this thread this morning to find something for a friend and thought of you all on here when I saw these two passages:

Detachment

Letting Go

Hope they help.

halfcaffodils · 08/04/2011 15:42

Thanks for your well-wishes. He did actually go to the meeting I am pretty sure, but managed to drink before and/or after somehow. No he still denies it today. He went to the GP this morning and says he told him EVERYTHING, but the GP must have got more of the depression side of things than the seriousness of the drinking problem, because he has come out with antidepressants.

I managed to get a babysitter for tonight after all, so we are going to give that a bash. I may end up coming home on my own, but hey ho.

bobblehead · 08/04/2011 23:23

My dh used to drink before/after AA too Half (when he actually went!). We've had a backward slide this week too with more drinking than not. On the plus side he's not been that drunk, still quite capable of conversation, etc. Except that I don't like him when he's had a drink, he just reminds me of a twelve year old boy telling very unfunny jokes and the like.
He's going out with his business partner tonight and they will "need" to drink apparently but hopefully he won't be too bad.

How much does you dh drink Half? Mine doesn't seem to have done too much damage physically though I'm not sure Dr has checked his liver. Maybe this is cos he only drinks beer?

LearningSlowly · 09/04/2011 10:35

Anjelika, I am also very shy and never thought I would attend AA in a million years! Dont lose hope that your DH will find a path to AA. If he is like me then counseling is a good start, but will not keep him sober long-term. Your local phone no for AA will offer someone to introduce AA and take him to a meeting as a trial. Of course it is not for everyone, but it is credited with saving millions from alcoholism. If I am being brainwashed into sobriety, then that is fine by me - good investment of a few hours a week!

Oh and I used to drink before and after meetings too (never during ;-) ). Alcoholism carries a large dose of denial that for most people takes time to break down. Keep your DHs going to AA...it eventually sank in even for someone as resistant as me.

Keep at it...there is a much better life for you and your DHs if you can get out the other side....

susansocks · 09/04/2011 16:40

i have been reading these threads and empathising. a lot.
my dh is an alcholic.
he had a really bad stage last summer and went to gp, who didnt do blood tests but gave him a/d s and somethign else. somethign to get him off.
he has been pretty sober until he was made redundant in october.
then sober til christmas.
and every month or so.
currently pissed for a week.

due to him not working he has been in charge of child care and the house. so here is my problem. should i take his child care and taxi driving out the equation, and take it all back myself, as i did when he worked.?
i think i am helping him remain sober and feel better about being unemployed by being useful.
but he missed the school r un this week, due to being in a pissed state,
what to do?

AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 16:49

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with this too, susansocks.

My rule is always no childcare and no driving if there is any danger that someon's been drinking. Put as a boundary: If I cannot be sure that you are not under the influence, then I will make other arrangements that work for me.

You really can't mess around when people's lives are at stake.

susansocks · 09/04/2011 16:51

thanks, i know it makes sense but i just feel giving him the responsiblity helps his self worth.
obviously not when he is jeopordisng our lives - drink driving.

AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 16:54

Well, his self-worth wouldn't be helped if one of the kids gets injured or killed on his watch.

Has he told you what support he needs to get sober? It's not your job to manage his recovery, you know?

susansocks · 09/04/2011 18:06

well i have had a light bulb moment. that in helping him by giving him the responsibility, makes no difference.

LearningSlowly · 09/04/2011 19:06

Correct...if your DH is an alcoholic in active drinking then he can't even mind himself not to mind DCs. He needs to be firmly encouraged to sort himself out, not deflect onto all the other things he could be doing instead (which unfortunately are a lot easier for him than stopping drinking). Tough but that's the reality

AyeRobot · 09/04/2011 19:12

Nice one, susansocks. Did you read the links I posted earlier on the thread? I found them very helpful when I was involved with an alcoholic.

susansocks · 10/04/2011 09:10

i threw the vodka away.
well he did ask me.
then changed his mind.
after a week of being drunk does he need treatment to help him through withdrawal?

LearningSlowly · 10/04/2011 16:20

It depends how much he was consuming per day, but to be safe if he goes to his GP they can prescribe Librium or similar for a "home detox". Hopefully for both your sakes this may be the point at which he realizes he can't do it alone and goes for help either in a rehab or at AA....that would be a huge step forward in his recovery

noddyholder · 10/04/2011 16:35

My dp gave up drinking with the help of AA and friends and family support and it is nearly 19 yrs he has been sober. If you want to ask anything I will help if I can please PM me. Life is great he is very happy but had to really look at himself and be honest to get there. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do but let alcoholics fall and rebuild in their own way Good luck x

susansocks · 10/04/2011 16:44

thanks noddyh

i dont know the amount. i know when he had wine last sunday it went straight to his head.

i have been avidly reading threads, stepping back, living my own life etc., but it is very hard.

susansocks · 10/04/2011 16:45

oh he went to his gp before after a month of binging and had some tablet with a long name.

AyeRobot · 10/04/2011 17:00

susansocks, do you go to al-anon? And sorry to keep bringing this up, but did you read the links on here that I posted earlier? There is loads of help on there and the forum is helpful as well so that you can see that you are not alone in this.

(I'm not connected with SR, just someone who found it useful once upon a time)

halfcaffodils · 11/04/2011 09:46

Hi all and welcome to new posters.
Bobble to answer your question I don't really know how much he was drinking as he was often drinking in 'secret' - I thought before it was 'only' red wine but I have since found a receipt for port, and a bit of brandy in a 500ml coke bottle (his container of choice for 'secret' drinking, including on the train home from work). I know he could easily have two bottles of wine in a day, plus whatever he could manage covertly.
We have just had a lovely weekend where he has been fairly subdued but pleasant, and hasn't touched a drop. The whole family has been calmer, his relationship with the children has been better, we have had affectionate moments, etc. The anti-ds seem to be helping, if only by making him feel 'a bit strange', and perhaps slightly nauseous so he doesn't fancy drinking...I just hope he can keep it up.
He hasn't had the blood tests yet, as he is working full time, but is aiming to get to the hospital early one morning before work.
susansocks we had a very similar situation which I had to stop - he is still not supposed to collect ds from school since an incident a few weeks ago. You will feel better and safer if you make other arrangements, although I know exactly what you mean about trying to help him by giving him responsibilities.

halfcaffodils · 11/04/2011 10:03

Oh, and we did have a reasonable night out on Friday!

Anjelika · 11/04/2011 10:38

Hi all

Just catching up after the weekend. I really sympathise with the childcare dilemma Susansocks & halfcaff as I am in the same boat. DH is out of work so I am working just about full time. He argues that looking after the children gives him a sense of responsibility and purpose, and that is all well and good when he is sober like now. However, once he starts drinking, I am faced with a real dilemma. As none of my 3 are at school full-time yet, I would have to stop work to look after them as my salary would bearly cover the childcare. I was "managing" the situation I thought a few weeks ago - regular phone calls home to check on soberness - but it all came to a horrible head one day, hence my mention of the police and social services in a previous post. I then took a week off work whilst he sobered up (and with the meds he got from the doctor - drug with the long name which I think is the same as Librium - I needed to as they knocked him out) and he is back looking after the children again, sober. Thankfully we are quite a close neighbourhood and my neighbours are aware of the situation so would be on the look-out for any evidence of drinking on his part and phone me immediately. We had to sign a declaration for Social Services to say he would not drink whilst looking after the children and, if this is broken, then I guess they'll be down on us (rightly) like a ton of bricks.

On a more positive note, halfcaff I'm glad you had a good and sober weekend - you are so right about the calmness in the family and better relationship with the children when their father's not drinking. It's the same in our house. I still feel on "red alert" though. My DH disappeared on Friday night to go to Tesco and for a run and was gone for about an hour and a half. I really started to think the worse.

Susansocks - I shouldn't think after only a week of drinking your DH would need the tablets from the doctor but I guess a visit to the doc would at least show willingness on his part to give up again?

bobblehead · 11/04/2011 14:19

We had a good weekend too (though usually he only drinks during the week anyway). In fact it was almost like the old days. I think this was as he was taking prescription pain killers, which may well be his new addiction. At least the GP is aware of his issues and actually called me in to speak to him before prescribing these which was something as I didn't feel he'd been exactly helpful before.
Dh even went to visit an old friend who he hasn't seen in years and REFUSED A BEER. I don't think he's EVER done that before. May be as he was also feeling a bit sick from the pills!

susansocks · 12/04/2011 15:22

thanks -
i guess i am on the wrong thread now Sad
no recovery nor willingness. not proper willingness anyway.
have decided to put dc first and not rely on him - thus no work today or be tomorrow.
but he is still a horrible person to live with and this can;t be good for dc's. i see them give each other and me looks now when he talks Sad
i got his db involved who said their might used to binge drink, since my h was about 10. although H says she didnt drink til he was @ 20. but whatever she drunk too. so i spose his DB woudl care for her, as he did and just may get a kick out of his db, my H, being the same. but i am probably way off the mark. they were on the phone for aages yesterday but it made the blind bit of difference to H's drinking.

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