DH bugging me for sex constantly...

[Professor]

and TBH, I'm getting really pissed off with him about it.

Every day we just seem to have this undercurrent about sex. I feel like I'm living in some sleazy Carry On film, with DH making suggestive remarks all the time.

Today, I actally 'hid' in the car at a Tesco car park, eating a sarnie and reading the paper, rather than go home because I knew he'd be there and would start making suggestions for a shag as soon as the DCs were at school.
I mean, how wrong is that???
When I did return, making sure I had the DCs in tow, he made some remark about 'waiting in bed' for me, but I didn't come back after taking DCs to school.

I just feel so uncomfortable with him just lately and hate being in the house with him without the DCs, because I just know he will start banging on about sex again.

It's really starting to get to me now. Does anyone else have this problem?

You cant change someone elses behaviour , only your own. Why would your H change anyway ? His behaviour works for him , he gets special priveledges and domestic service and expects sex all the time , who would be in a hurry to give that up ?

The only thing you can do is change your own behaviour , and decide what you will and wont put up with , he,ll either be on board and respect your boundarys or he wont.

I also dont think he treats you like this because you earn less , i think its because your a woman.

I have to disagree about the point that he acts this way because I am a woman.
As I mentioned before, his friend's wife earns a good wage, and he respects her more than his friend, the non earning husband.

So I really do think with him it's all about the money.
He's always been careful about it, tight in fact, unless he's spending it on himself, then it's anything goes.
So I really think he's been brought up to think that money is everything.

Depends how you look at it Professer . It could be he respects him less because he earns less than his wife , not that he respects her more . Did he previously comment on her career and earning potential ?

But you said it yourself OP. You said that he doesn't respect his friend because:

"he is now in a weaker position in the home because he is not working and his wife holds the power because she does."

It's not about money then, it's about perceived female power.

I don't usually comment on relationships, but the point that your DH is missing is that if he really does want sex, he is going about it in all the wrong ways.

Not saying it's true of all men, but my DH sometimes seems to think that if we have a good sex life it means that everything in the relationship is ok. So rather than try to make the relationship better, he tries to ensure that we have sex, as that will mean everything is ok

For me, I feel horniest when we are on holiday, or have spent some quality, fun time together. ie if the relationship feels good, I want sex, whereas he tries to do it back to front. Does that make any sense? (feel free to ignore me, I'm not putting it very well!)

I'm not saying that this is the reason your Dh is hassling you for sex, but do you think there could be something like that going on?

Jooly, think you may have a point there.

Dh is aware that our relationship is not good so he thinks by having sex, that will make everything okay.

Am stunned really that men can honestly believe that a sex session is going to make the whole relationship good.

Surely if he put more energy into the day to day stuff of the relationship, then the sex would follow naturally, as opposed to me participating but not really wanting to do it.

My sex drive has done a nose dive :( i love sex with DH but most nights im so tired or not in the mood :(

I think this all boils down to insecurities (his and mine), resentment (mine) and powerplay (him).

To have any chance of making this relationship work, I think we both have to work to change the whole dynamics. Not sure how to do this though...I mean, if you ave 2 peyelieve theople in 1 relationship who both are in the right, then whoever backs down and changes is going to feel more resentment, yes?

"Am stunned really that men can honestly believe that a sex session is going to make the whole relationship good."

I know, but I think a lot of (again not all!) men don't really like the whole "examining" of a relationship. If you are having sex with him regularly he can convince himself that you must be happy, and doesn't have to look deeper, which may be discomfiting?

Yes, most people (especially women, although I'm aware I am generalising here) would want to fix the problem at it's root- cure the disease, if you like, rather than just alleviate the symptoms, but sometimes it might seem easier just to try for a quick fix. How does he react if you try to talk to him about your relationship? I can see my DH practically shrinking back if I want to "talk"- he immediately assumes I want to complain and "look for problems" He knows that if I am not happy (which isn't often, I hasten to add- usually if we've argued) I don't want to have sex. When we make up after an argument, DH always wants to have "make-up sex", it's like a reassurance that it's all ok, I think.

Am totally projecting here, so feel free to ignore- this is the reason I hardly post in relationships! The only relationships I truly understand are my own, so I can't help extrapolating that to everyone else's, which may not help at all! I guess it's maybe another way of looking for a reason WHY he behaves like this?

I think he feels entitled to sex because he views me as 'his' wife, if that makes any sense, so it could be all related to power...He seems to think that everything is 'his'. The house, the tvs, computers, money, everything. So I suppose he sees the DCs and myself as 'his', so as he sort of owns us, he can use us whenever he wants. That could be playing with the DCs when 'he' wants to, and having sex when 'he' wants to.

Professor, it's all incredibly familiar...my ex had a strong sense of ownership and entitlement too. It was like he had a tick list of the components of what would be perceived as a successful life, so much so that when I ended the relationship he said to me "You've ruined my life". I don't take that at all seriously as he had a GF within two months of me moving out, or probably before.

We're still doing the legal stuff for divorce but the financial side is a real sticking point for him. I worked full time apart from a year of college and a year of maternity leave, which became working part time from home after six months. I paid for all the childcare costs, most of the kids clothes, shoes, family gifts, drinks, snacks, days out etc and all the expenses for my own car. He paid the mortgage, bills and holidays. He earned three times my wage and as far as he is concerned, he paid the mortgage so the house is his. Legally that means nothing, of course.

It sounds to me like your 'D'H has that same sense of entitlement, which depersonalises the whole experience and doesn't make you feel at all desired or desirable. I don't have any solutions to offer, I couldn't find one. I put up with it for years for the sake of the kids and then reached the point where I couldn't do that any more.

So by not having sex with your husbands goods become unavailable and you take back some control.

But it's perfectly reasonable not to want sex with someone who is being unpleasant to you. And if you have, a few times, done the open-legs-and-gritted-teeth sex just to stop the whining and want him to be more pleasant, then you will find sex less and less enjoyable a prospect. Particularly if the man doesn't even keep his half of the bargain but insists that you must allow him to have more sex on your body before he is prepared to oblige you in any way.
When a man is both pestering for sex all the time and not taking on board any of his wife/partner's suggestions or requests about ways to make her feel more inclined to want sex, then the relationship is doomed, because the man is demonstrating that only his needs and wishes matter, and that he will punish his wife until she complies.

Professor you've said only a little about what else is going on in this relationship and it makes for uncomfortable reading. What else is going on?

Does he feel entitled to more leisure time than you? Are you frequently stuck indoors with the DCs while he goes out?

Does he make you feel loved and cherished? Does he listen to you and ask questions about how you are feeling, or to find out your views about something? Does he worry if you look tired?

Does he want to spend time with you, outside of the bedroom or beyond sex?

You see, I fear you are in a bit of denial about what else is going on here. You're focusing on the sex and the sexual bullying, but I suspect there's so much else going on here, some of which will be unknown to you and kept secret and other issues that you've been cognisant of, but sweeping under the carpet because you'd rather not face them.

I agree with everything WWIFN and SGB have said - as usual - and I hope you'll come back and tell us some more about the dynamics here.

Men are pathetic creatures at times (I am a bloke) and they need to grow up. They need to learn love-making which does not involve removing clothes. Having said that men can easily feel rejection, even when it is not intended, good, honest communication is needed.

It is crap you feel frightened to go home for fear of dh wanting sex, if he is always after it and is always taking about it, he needs to grow up, assuming he is not 15.....

T'other way round here.

Bring on the disrespect, I say.

Feel like his mother most of the time. Rubbish.

Nowt like feeling fancied. You'll miss it one day.

Not read whole thread.

Sorry if this is more serious than I thought.

I think he just feels 'in charge' of us all because, and I know this is repetitive, he is the one earning the money.

I may drive the DCs to school in a car, but it's really his car. The electricity we use is his, the heating is his, the bloody pebbles on the driveway are his, etc, etc.

And yes, because he earns the money, because he ' works so hard ' he deserves to have more me time than I do.

I would so love to find a job that paid more than his, to be able to swap places and be the one calling the shots. Unfortunately as a SAHM I do not bring money in so am pretty worthless. And, yes, I could argue with him that having to pay an outsider to do my job would cripple him financially, but it won't wash with him. Cold hard cash is what speaks to him.

then leave him and he will be handing over a lot of his cold hard cash every month to you in maintenance for 'his' dc
and you ill get to go to bed every night without any pressure

he sounds like he wishes he got 'more wife for his money'

It must be that invisible ink again! However, you don't have to reply to any questions we might pose OP, but I really hope you are asking them of yourself.....

Good luck with finding a resolution to all this.

Are you looking for a job, Professor?

I can't imagine living with a man who thought I was worthless, much less fucking him.

Oh love, I strongly strongly suggest a chat to Women's Aid.
THIS MAN IS FULL OF SHIT. He does not own you because he is the only income earner in the house. He is only able to earn such an income because you provide him with free childcare and domestic service. Happy marriage which feature one wage earner and one SAHP work because both partners see the marriage as a team project and the money as family money.
Your H's sex pestering is designed to crush your spirit, and he also wants the children to be 'broken', submissive, obedient and to regard wage-earning men as gods. This isn't good for them. And it's certianly not good for you.

My ex was like this, there's lots I recognise here. But my feeling is that this is not about money at all, it's all about power and entitlement.

My ex had the same approach to sex. By the end, he would just turn me over and do it from behind. Horrible. I did work and actually earnt more than him, but everything was still up to me domestically. That still wasn't good enough.

Another one to add to the list of read Lundy Bancroft, speak to Woman's Aid and be like me, very happy that I left him. Women's Aid completely get this stuff - at least if you're hit, you know it's wrong. This is just a more insidious form of abuse, have a look at their website.