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Original poster

DH bugging me for sex constantly...

101 replies

Professor · 14/03/2011 22:28

and TBH, I'm getting really pissed off with him about it.

Every day we just seem to have this undercurrent about sex. I feel like I'm living in some sleazy Carry On film, with DH making suggestive remarks all the time.

Today, I actally 'hid' in the car at a Tesco car park, eating a sarnie and reading the paper, rather than go home because I knew he'd be there and would start making suggestions for a shag as soon as the DCs were at school.
I mean, how wrong is that???
When I did return, making sure I had the DCs in tow, he made some remark about 'waiting in bed' for me, but I didn't come back after taking DCs to school.

I just feel so uncomfortable with him just lately and hate being in the house with him without the DCs, because I just know he will start banging on about sex again.

It's really starting to get to me now. Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:
Malificence · 15/03/2011 14:03

"For men, sex is something you get; for women it's something you give."

That's a hugely damaging myth and sounds like something from Victorian times.

In a good relationship, sex is something to be shared.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/03/2011 14:03

I'm a woman. I don't give sex, I have it. Same for my partner, who's a man. I'm not a gatekeeper and neither is he. We both want sex, with eachother as it happens. If I didn't want sex with him in particular, it would be because of some other aspect of our relationship, so I'd talk to him and see if we could remedy it, rather than deny myself a sex-life. Same for him too.

dogfish · 15/03/2011 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Shineynewthings · 15/03/2011 14:19

O.P I envy you (totally sex deprived) send him to my house!Smile

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/03/2011 14:19

Dogfish: Not necessarily. Men can be uninterested in sex (often to the distress of their female partners, as some threads on here have shown). Sometimes it's because they have low libidos or physical or mental health issues, sometimes it's because they are angry or resentful about some aspect of their relationships.

JessicaDrew · 15/03/2011 14:21

or because they're getting it elsewhere!!!!!

Malificence · 15/03/2011 14:28

Men see what as a bonus, sex? Confused

When are we going to see the end of the prehistoric ( not to mention untrue) attitude that all men are bothered about in relatonships is sex?

pallymama · 15/03/2011 14:29

DH and I had a bit of a patch like this, although not as bad. We had a really good talk about it. It had gotten to the point where, when he tried to hug me, I would pull away as I just knew he would then try it on. I explained that the pressure he put on me by the constant innuendos were a real turn off, and that I needed to be able to have contact without there being any mention of sex. He was feeling rejected, and reacted by adding more pressure. We agreed to have a sex-less month, not even a mention of it, but lots of cuddles, back rubs and so on. Made a world of difference for me (for both of us really), once the month was up, I jumped him! It's had a lasting effect too, things feel much more even in that area.

bumblingbovine · 15/03/2011 14:35

wifn

My Ds is loving, kind, helpful, does even more than his fair share in the house does not keep pestering for sex (despite his much higher (than mine) libido) and when we do have sex it is generally very good and sometimes fantastic.

I still don't want sex that often and find myself avoiding it. I enjoy the act of sex when I can get my head in the zone, but the aftermath (feeling sad and not particularly happy despite sometimes multiple orgasms) doesn't seem worth the work involved.

I don't say this is the case for the OP, but to say that some people (women or men) are not happy without much of a sex life is not true. I do get horny ccasionally but it is probably every month or so, maybe even every couple of months. This is WAY less often than my dh does.

This has been the case (after the first year or so) in every live in relationship I have had (4 in total) so I know better than to make it about dh. It is about me.

I would not be able to tolerate a partner who pestered me for sex like the OP describes though. I have never had that happen

I have always managed to reach some compromise on sexual issues that works with a partner at least for a while.

With dh it seems to work OK but I know he would like a lot more sex. He accepts it because he loves me. The same way I accept his oddities and also probably because when we do have sex it is pretty good most of the time.

pallymama · 15/03/2011 14:38

Also, I should add, neither of us "give" or "get" sex, it's a joint effort! :)
However, if we'd had an arguement, I'd want that to be sorted out before I could be in the mood. DH could quite happily have sex, and then sort out any disagreement. Sex isn't all men are bothered about in relationships, but there does seem to be a difference in perception that's mainly gender specific.

bumblingbovine · 15/03/2011 14:43

I suppose if I think about it, I have always been of the "less is more" school of thought with regard to sex.

I enjoy it much more if we haven't had it for a week or two. However there is a point at which it becomes difficult to bother with it again. For me about 1-2 times a month is fine but I aim for 3-4 times so that Dh can at least count on once a week.

I know he would be happier with 2-3 (or more) times a week but that is just not going to happen

dignified · 15/03/2011 15:37

I dont think this is about differant libidos , many couples have that problem and manage it by compromising instead of acting like Benny Hill.

Mithering and pestering is extremeley unattractive in itself , i think the question should be asked why the H in this scenario is activeley choosing to make himself unattractive by whinging all the time. Who wants to have sex with someone whos behaving like that ? And why does he feel entitled to behave like this ?

It got so bad for me i couldnt bare to go near him , he had become like a demanding whiny child and his whinging was similar to a small child whinging for sweets . Ugh.

Interestingly we used to have a reasonable sex life , like most adults i wanted to enjoy a nice sex life and he made it impossible with his ridiculous pouting . I did not want to end up in a sexless marriage in my 30s but thats exactly what happened , and he made sure of it.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/03/2011 16:22

BB: I have found something fairly similar in past relationships. For me it's that I get bored with having sex with the same person after a while. This may not be the case for you but there may be something in it: there's been some research which suggests that there's a biological impulse behind people getting bored with a partner because you've been with him/her long enough to breed a child and raise it at least beyond infancy. Women are no more inherently monogamous than men, monogamy is a cultural construct, not an instinct.
However, we have choices over our sexual behaviour and it may be that you choose to remain in a monogamous relationship because the advantages of it outweigh the moderate adjustment to your H's sex drive.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/03/2011 16:27

But I didn't say that all women or all men want a sex life. That's precisely my point. We are all individuals. I was speaking for myself and my H, Bumblingbovine.

I think we should challenge the assumption that men are up for sex the whole time and that women find sex itself as a chore, or a "benefit" for her male partner. The realities for many men and women are very different.

I do think men and women are socially conditioned very differently about sex, hence this notion that men want sex and women give it - and the perception that men can have sex regardless of what else is going on in the relationship. Some men can - probably more in fact, because that is after all the societal expectation. But so can some women - more than you might think in fact.

I also think that some manipulative men trade on this expectation and belief, pretend they want sex all the time and bully their partners, all to hide the fact that actually, they don't want sex either. That's the pay-off for this Carry-on style behaviour, along with a false justification for seeking sex outside the relationship Hmm. They usually end up telling some daft OW that their wives never wanted sex - and she never wonders why....

I think for some men and women, what happens in their sex lives often hides other choices they are making about the relationship.

And of course, individual libidoes and enjoyment of sex itself differs enormously between individuals, regardless of their gender.

dignified · 15/03/2011 16:49

I also think that some manipulative men trade on this expectation and belief, pretend they want sex all the time and bully their partners, all to hide the fact that actually, they don't want sex either. That's the pay-off for this Carry-on style behaviour, along with a false justification for seeking sex outside the relationship .

Thats not the first time ive heard that , and thats exactly what hapened to me .

My ex idiot would grope at me when the kids were in the next room , or suggest sex when it was ridiculous to do so , ie , as we were driving or sat in a resteraunt . As if. He also stank and his personal hygeine left a lot to be desired . Yet still he blamed me , i was uptight and frigid , yet he was the one denying me a reasonable sex life by behaving like that.

Skifit · 15/03/2011 19:35

What exactly puts you off having sex with him . . .or have i missed it. I can understand how annoying it must be. My only thoughts are you dont want him running off and having sex with someone else. But that is no reason at all for you to comply. Do you still love him, want to be with him and stay together?

Original poster
Professor · 15/03/2011 19:53

Some very intersting replies on here. Has given me food for thought.

I think he feels entitled to sex because he views me as 'his' wife, if that makes any sense, so it could be all related to power.

He always refers to things as his. For instance, if he comes home from work and the DCs are watching something on the TV, he will just change channel to something he wants. When they protest, he replies that 'it is his TV (he paid for it) so he can watch what he wants on it.

Same goes for the PC, and even the office itself...DCs not allowed in to use PC unless HE (not me) gives permission.

He seems to think that everything is 'his'. The house, the tvs, computers, money, everything. So I suppose he sees the DCs and myself as 'his', so as he sort of owns us, he can use us whenever he wants. That could be playing with the DCs when 'he' wants to, and having sex when 'he' wants to.

Does any of that make any sense?

Also agree that women do not want to have sex with someone who does not pull their weight.

OP posts:
Skifit · 15/03/2011 19:58

So he is a Male C Pig ?
Do you do all the house work and cooking? Do you do all the child care?

PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 20:02

He seems to think that everything is 'his'. The house, the tvs, computers, money, everything. So I suppose he sees the DCs and myself as 'his', so as he sort of owns us, he can use us whenever he wants.

and you are with this bloke... why ?

dignified · 15/03/2011 21:05

He sounds awful op. Kick his butt.

Original poster
Professor · 15/03/2011 21:39

I think there is a general feeling with him that he has more rights than I do because I'm not earning money as he is.

His friend is going through a bad patch ATM and is inbetween jobs. His wife is some kind of head of nursing department and brings home about £50,000 a year. My DH seems to have lost any respect he had for his friend as he is now in a weaker postion in the home because he is not working and his wife holds the power because she does.

So he really does seem to view a person's worth by how much they earn. I find this so wrong, but as he has obviously held this view all his life, how do I get him to change?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 15/03/2011 21:44

he won't, I am afraid

why would he ?

he believes in his superiority

I think you have 2 choices here

  1. decide you have no wish to share your life with a sexist, arrogant bully

  2. put up and shut up, essentially changing your own behaviour to cope wih his

No.(2) although not something I could recommend, is actually not that unusual in a lot of marriages

Quattrocento · 15/03/2011 21:45

This thread is about more than sex, I agree with WWIFN

I don't know if you can get someone to change a view that seems fairly fundamental. I don't know if that's possible. It's certainly not possible if you're hiding in a car park.

I'm wary of suggesting counselling, following a friend who endured around three separate bouts of it, causing her to prolong an unhappy marriage for years longer than she should have done

But here, maybe it would help for you to be heard. I'm not sure you are being heard right now.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 15/03/2011 21:50

Professor, the view this tosser has held all his life is not that worth is counted by what you earn so much as women are not fully human, only men are human, women are appendages/property of men. As has been pointed out on this thread, it's not sex he actually wants. It's power over you, and this sexual pestering is about putting you in your place.
Men who think women are an inferior subspecies very rarely change, unfortunately. I think you might find it helpful to have a look at a couple of books about living with unpleasant men: one is called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft; the other one WWIFN linked to or mentioned is called Living With The Dominator. Finding out that your H is following a pattern of behaviour that is widely regarded as unacceptable and NOT just 'the way men are' can be very helpful in giving you the strength to challenge the behaviour and consider putting an end to the relationship.
You should NOT EVER have to spend hours huddling in a car park because you are afraid to be in your own home due to it containing a man who is constantly waving his cock around in order to intimidate you.

AllDirections · 15/03/2011 21:52

When I'd just had DD2 and I was too tired for sex my XH used to tell me that I didn't need to do anything except lay down!!!

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