DH bugging me for sex constantly...

[Professor]

and TBH, I'm getting really pissed off with him about it.

Every day we just seem to have this undercurrent about sex. I feel like I'm living in some sleazy Carry On film, with DH making suggestive remarks all the time.

Today, I actally 'hid' in the car at a Tesco car park, eating a sarnie and reading the paper, rather than go home because I knew he'd be there and would start making suggestions for a shag as soon as the DCs were at school.
I mean, how wrong is that???
When I did return, making sure I had the DCs in tow, he made some remark about 'waiting in bed' for me, but I didn't come back after taking DCs to school.

I just feel so uncomfortable with him just lately and hate being in the house with him without the DCs, because I just know he will start banging on about sex again.

It's really starting to get to me now. Does anyone else have this problem?

I know how this feels, I've stayed out of my own home rather than go back there and stayed up til the early hours several nights a week rather than get into bed beside him and deal with 'the conversation' (for it always had to be discussed, he never just accepted that I didn't want to). I gave in often, for a quiet life. I even started keeping a note in my diary when the deed was done, because he would say it had been x weeks and I would then say, no, actually, only z weeks...

A miserable existence, anyway. I didn't want to do it because he was a selfish, controlling, self-centred bastard who never showed me any affection unless he wanted sex. And I absolutely could not get my head around what sort of person he must be to have sex with someone, supposedly someone that he loved and cared for, even when that person was unwilling.

If you've spotted that this is in the past tense, that's because I ended the marriage after 13 years for just this reason. Was I frigid, as he said? Did I need counselling? No, I just needed to be with someone who truly loves me and shows absolute respect for me in every thing he does and says. My life is very different now, and a million times better.

OMG Quattro, that is foul!

I went through a phase of just not wanting to at all... it probably drove my husband mad... as he knew I was just doing it for the sake of keeping him quiet.. and that was about once a month.. sometimes once every couple of months.

how did you get over it Squeaky? (i presume you did)

lilac...what was your ex DH like in your everyday relationship? I mean when you say he was controlling and selfish, was he violent or abusive?
Sorry to be nosy, but he sounds like my DH but not violent IYSWIM.

I can't believe you ladies who give in for a quiet life. You have the right to remain unmolested and to say no if you don't want sex. For the OP, I'd be telling him either he packs it in or he packs his bags.

professor, he wasn't violent but he wasn't much fun to be around either. He was emotionally abusive, liked mind games and the phrase 'walking on eggshells' could have been written just for me. At one point he said to me 'I'm 50, I don't want to think that my sex life is over'. I am ten years younger than him and didn't want mine to be either...but it wasn't that I didn't want sex, I just didn't want it with him. The DDs were 9 and 11 when I left. I will never tell them what really happened and why I ended my marriage to their father. I don't think they have a rose-tinted view of him any more, but they don't need to know that he pressurised me for sex night after night for up to an hour, year after year.

Blimey, I thought my DH was bad!
I think you just start to lose respect pretty quickly for someone who takes you for granted everyday and gives you no respect themselves.

Fred, I decided I wanted us to try for a baby.. and realised that to get anywhere with that, I would have to put a bit more effort in, and I found that I was really enjoying it and looking forwards to it rather than thinking up excuses to avoid it. Admittedly that isnt an option that would work for everyone but it worked for me/us.

I am not sure what it was that had put me off it in the first place, but I think it was depression related as it was fairly soon after my mum died, and I sort of went into a world of my own for quite a while after that had happened.

I think if you have long held resentments towards your partner, in the case of women, then it's very hard to just be in the mood for sex. Whereas men seem to be able to just separate sex and bad relationships and can actually want sex with someone they don't get on with.

Professor, have you read this thread?

This is the part that meant the most to me: Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

I hope you manage to sort things out.

I've never understood why some men think that nagging, begging and attempts to wear a woman down are such great seduction techniques. I think they must be a bit deficient in the thinking department.

That sounds gross. He's not making any effort to read your feelings and figure out what you would like, he's just pointing to his willy and saying 'how about it babe'. In what universe is that sexy?

I'm not surprised you're totally turned off. Your pleasure doesn't seem to cross his mind at all. There's nothing seductive about desperation and selfishness.

If you actually feel the need to hide in a car park for three hours to get away from the spectre of this man's cock, then you need to tell him straight that you are thinking of ending the marriage because you are so sick of being pestered for sex. Nothing is more offputting than being asked for sex constantly.
It is miserable being the higher-libido partner when there is a libido mismatch, of course, but nice people communicate with their partners. Are there things you would like him to do, that would make you feel more inclined towards sex? Whether that's doing his fair share of housework (men who don't do their fair share and pester for sex get less and less of it as the woman feels more and more resentful and more and more as though he is perceving her as there to meet his needs, with sex being another chore she does for his benefit) spending leisure time with you and DC without nagging for sex or working on his personal hygiene/sexual technique, if there are things you have suggested or asked for and his response has been to do none of them but to continue asking for sex, then he's a selfish dickhead.
I think the technique one is quite common in situations like this: the bloke's never been that good at it but the woman used to put up with it because it was OK and because they were Madly In Love at the beginning of the relationship, but slowly and surely sex has become about despunking him, which is not much fun for her and so less and less appealing to her.

Im a bit about whats actually going sometimes in these scenarios .

Being pestered like this doesnt work , and whats more , he knows it. He says he wants more sex yet behaves in such a way that guarentees hes not going to get it .

Youve obviously told him you dont like it , its not working for him yet still he continues . I urge you to consider then what his motivations are for continuing this behaviour towards you.

My ex was like this and it disgusted me and would sometimes reduce me to tears. I felt cheap and dirty with the constant remarks and i told him so. He wouldnt stop and in fact he did it more .

Theres a chapter in the book living with the dominater that describes the sexual dominater , the man who constantly demands sex , who whimes and pleads , who makes dirty comments that are designed to make you feel cheap , who then claims its your fault he has to mither and nag because your just no fun. On and on it goes until your so worn down you do it anyway just for a quiet life , and they,ll shag you anyway , knowing you dont want to. Effectiveley it reduces you to a pair of boobs and whats inbetween your legs.

Im not saying this is going on with him , but it might be worth thinking about what he is getting out of this behaviour , because on some level , hes getting something out of it because otherwise he wouldnt keep doing it , and hes obviously not getting the sex he says he wants.

I dont think this is about sex at all , i think its about him not respecting you or listening to you and purposeley engaging in behaviour that you dont like . He wouldnt dare sexually harass anyone else like this and he shouldnt be doing it to you.

Likewise you wouldnt tolerate this from anyone else and you shouldnt tolerate this from him in your own home .I think its a form of bullying and the fact he continues to do it although he knows you dont like it speaks volumes im afraid.

I think i would state firmly that it stops , and that if it doesnt your going to rethink whether you want to be in a marriage where your not being listened to or respected .

"he doesn't have to do as much work during the day as me, so he's bound to have more energy."

Well that needs changing, surely!

you gotta feel sorry for DHs really, when we first meet them we are at all over them like a rash, and then with time and kids our libido becomes less, while their's remains the same!!!!!!!

Well if he wasn´t hinting & making remarks all the time, OP, might find herself turned on rather than off!

Professor, so you have tried communicating, telling him the dirty remarks don't work, you have tried the "lie back and think of the ceiling", you have tried the "wear him out" and still nothing works?

I would seriously read goldbrass and dignified's posts above, they say pretty much what i came on here to say. I think there is a lot of unspoken resentments on both sides in this marriage.

I had this,constant demands,text messages,i stayed out whenever i could,we separated and now i can live in peace again.

Of course he's going about this in completely the wrong way, but -
By the nature of the pity sex you are letting him have, I'd say that sex is as unsatisfactory for him as it is for you and because he's not getting real satisfaction from sex, he's craving it all the time.
I'm assuming that the sex is over pretty quickly with no time for you to even start enjoying yourself?
Good sex isn't (or shouldn't be) all about orgasms, if all he wanted was an orgasm, he's perfectly capable of doing that himself, great sex is bonding and love affirming, you are in some ways cutting off your nose to spite your face, if you were having great, mutually satisfying sex, you would feel far less resentful of his sexual needs.

Alternatively, he could be what other posters have described; a selfish git, only concerned with using your body to masturbate with - only you know which scenario is more likely.

I'm going to counter some of the observations on this thread, because I think that sex/physical affection is often used as a battleground by both partners, to express other dissatisfactions and power struggles.

I profoundly disagree with the undercurrent/received wisdom from some posters on this thread, that women biologically have different sex drives than men, or that only men can divorce sex from other aspects of the relationship.

I think it's possible that your are both using sex as a means of exerting power in this relationship, rather than having an honest dialogue about what's really going on.

OP, what sort of sex life do you want, with what sort of partner? Is it no sex at all, no sex with your partner, good sex with your partner or good sex with someone else?

How would your life have to change for you to enjoy sex with your current partner, or sex at all?

What power do you you feel you have in other areas of this relationship?

What do you think underlies your H's sexual bullying, dressed up as it is with counter-accusations?

How does this mirror other behaviours on his part, especially in relation to entitlement?

I would completely jettison the ridiculous suggestions to introduce him to his hand or for him to use porn, incidentally. I think the sex issue is a symptom of something far deeper here, as it often is, but on both sides.

Yes WWIFN: what is sometimes percieved as 'women don't want sex as much as men do' is actually a matter of 'women don't want to have sex with men who treat it as a service the woman must offer then' eg the man who does nothing round the house, expects his partner to do all of it and all the childcare and be prepared to have lots of sex even though she's knackered and resentful.

Yes. It's the assumption that women don't like sex or don't want a sex life, that I keep challenging on here. I think it's really important to establish whether in fact that's true for an individual woman, or whether it's that she doesn't want sex with this man.