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Original poster

Boyfriend and his sister....probably should have put this in AIBU

51 replies

everblack · 14/03/2011 11:48

Wasn't brave enough!

Have been in a relationship for about a year. The man concerned says he loves me and I think he does but I'm a bit concerned about his relationship with his sister.

He often talks about how beautiful he thinks she is and buys her jewelery. He never buys me jewelery. Disclaimer: he is not mean with me at all - offers to pay for all kinds of things, but never anything romantic - just practical things (which I tend to refuse).

Now, I know I probably sound petty and jealous (perhaps I am!). I'm an only child, I don't understand sibling relationships. But he wants us to get married. I've been married before and don't want to get it wrong again! I'm glad he loves his sister so much but I'm not sure how appropriate his love of her is or where that leaves me?

Am I just being an idiot?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 11:52

based on the information you have given, you sound scarily suspicious about very little at all

is there more to this ?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/03/2011 11:53

Have you let him know you would like to be bought jewelery? Do you wear much jewellery? I don't wish to be rude and I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong with you, but are you generally a practical sort of woman (jeans and flat shoes, don't bother with make up unless it's a special occasion)?
It may be that his family dynamic has always involved the sister being a bit of a princess and it's something he does without thinking (the praising her and buying her jewellery) but it sounds as though he might have cast you in Wife&Mother mode so you're all practical and sensible but not glamourous.

Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 12:01

'it sounds as though he might have cast you in Wife&Mother mode so you're all practical and sensible but not glamourous.'

You've hit the nail on the head SpringChicken. I am not the practical type at all so I don't want to be cast in that role. I'm definitely vainer than the average person and always try to look my best. My looks tend to draw admiration (sorry to sound conceited, I don't mean to) and I do work in an industry that demands it as well. So he has no excuse to think I'm not the type who would appreciate it.

What I feel is that he is already imagining me pregnant with his baby and wants me set up at home in this way. He thinks it's 'my job' to groom him and cater for his needs. I have other children to think of as well.

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waterrat · 14/03/2011 12:10

I think the sister is a red herring here. I have friends with brothers they are really really close to, and there is often jealousy from them when the boyfriend gets a partner. It's normal and just needs to be dealt with - him and his sister have been close all their life remember, just be grateful he gets on with his family.

PeterAndreForPM · 14/03/2011 12:26

if you having doubts like this, then I would back away, sister or no sister

it sounds like you don't wish to be a trophy wife

so don't

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 14/03/2011 12:28

Does he buy his sister jewellery willy-nilly or is it for special occasions; birthdays, Christmas etc?
My DP is incredibly close to his sister, as I am to both of mine. If I had to choose between my sisters and him it wouldn't be him who came out top, and I know it would be the same vice-versa.

Perhaps because you are an only child you are used to attention focussed on you, and reading between the lines you're saying you're quite high-maintenance so perhaps you don't like to feel that your sharing his affections. I'm afraid you are so you will have to get used to that, but they are very different affections so don't feel insecure. He can love both of you without loving either of you any less.

Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 12:33

I'm aware I possibly don't sound very nice and I do think it's a positive things that he is so fond of his sister.

I am just about to move and he seems to want to move in with me and is talking 'we this' 'we that'. I don't feel ready for his expectations of me in that respect - perhaps I'm projecting my unease about that onto his relationship with his sister. I suppose I'm afraid of not being able to get out of a relationship where I'm not cherished - just expected to be a skivvy. My mum has a relationship like that with my dad and she has never been happy.

OP posts:
crazygracieuk · 14/03/2011 12:35

Have you met the sister? If there was something worrying I think you would see something when they interacted together.

What was his upbringing like? What is the age difference between his sister and him? In some families, older siblings become like an extra parent.

Have you told him how much you like jewellery? He may assume that you don't want jewellery because you have turned down practical stuff and he likes how strong and independent you are.

AMumInScotland · 14/03/2011 12:36

Then it sounds ike the problam isn't really the sister at all - it's the way he treats you, and the way you think he will treat you once you'r emarried or moved in together. You need to sort it out pronto if you're not happy with this, as it won't get better on its own. If you don't want to be the "wife and mother" then you need to make it clear, and be prepared for the relationship coming to an end if he's not able to re-think what he wants.

Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 12:37

I hear what you say dickie - but I think if you marry someone they should come out on top above anyone else. Perhaps that's idealistic but I know my friends expect to be their dh's priority.

I don't mind sharing his affections at all but I'm concerned about his perception of me. I would not say I was overly high-maintenance but tbh I'm not in a position to be objective about that Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 12:39

No, I haven't met his sister. The jewelery is random gifts not for special occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 12:42

He's nearly 30 and his sister is 23.

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squeakytoy · 14/03/2011 12:59

You havent met his sister???

Have you met the rest of his family?

Random gifts of jewellery are not what you would buy your sister in my experience..

Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 13:02

No, squeakytoy - his family live abroad and he lives in the UK. I have not had a chance to stay with them yet due to work.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/03/2011 13:05

I am afraid to say I think this sounds very odd.

I certainly wouldnt marry anyone until I had met his family either.

I think you need to get to know this man and his history better before you make any life changing decisions.

HecateTheCrone · 14/03/2011 13:12

It really depends how he is saying it.

I mean, if he was all "phwoor, my sister is gorgeous, she's got great tits..." then you should run away, very fast indeed. If he appears to be using phrasing and tone of voice that you would normally expect to find coming from someone in a 'lustful' way, then run away. But otherwise he loves his little sis. No big deal.

You are, of course, sure that this woman is his sister?

oh but this - "He thinks it's 'my job' to groom him and cater for his needs" If you marry someone with that attitude, you're a twat.

Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 13:31

He says it in jest hecate but is enough to make me uneasy.

OP posts:
Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 13:32

No, there is nothing lustful about how he says it.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/03/2011 13:36

The sister aspect is a complete red herring here. Forget about her and concentrate on your own relationship.

You haven't said anything about what you want. Just because a man says he wants to marry you doesn't mean that you have to go along with that! Do you love him, does he make you happy, respect you etc etc.
What is his relationship with your existing children like?

These are all far more important questions than whether he should be buying jewellery for his little sister.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/03/2011 14:06

Why are you being so passive with this dickhead? As Alibaba says, you don't have to be his wife and servant just because that's what he wants.
What's in this relationship for you? This sounds like a man with a bit of a madonna\whore type complex going on - am n who divides women into categories and doesn't really see them as people. I wonder if he's shit in bed as well.

zikes · 14/03/2011 15:08

Hmm, I'd slow right down: if he's expecting you to take on a role you're not happy with, he needs to change his expectations or you need to get out.

HHLimbo · 14/03/2011 15:37

It sounds like youre saying he loves his sister, but he doesnt love you :(

Time to reconsider the relationship?

You are certainly not an idiot. I wouldnt marry someone who didnt make me feel loved.

Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 16:48

Thanks for giving your opinions. I do love him and the reason is that generally, we get on very well and I enjoy his company a lot. He is very attentive if I'm out with him and considerate of my feelings. He always goes out of his way to prioritise his free time to be spent with me (he works long hours so we can't see each other whenever we want). He is generous with me, certainly in ways that don't involve jewelery!

His views about my 'place' in the home are an unfortunate consequence of his upbringing as I see it. I am no stepford housewife and I think he will have a shock of he believes otherwise. I've tried to explain this to him but I don't think he fully understands and I see the potential for arguments ahead. I also worry about whether he will change and be less attentive etc once I've committed more fully to the relationship. I find the jewelery thing with his sister strange but I suppose it may be that she has certain expectations of him wrt what presents he buys her.

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Original poster
everblack · 14/03/2011 16:49

I think he does love me.

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HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 14/03/2011 17:01

If his family live abroad the present buying may well be guilt about leaving his little sister - who moved?