Boyfriend and his sister....probably should have put this in AIBU

[everblack]

Wasn't brave enough!

Have been in a relationship for about a year. The man concerned says he loves me and I think he does but I'm a bit concerned about his relationship with his sister.

He often talks about how beautiful he thinks she is and buys her jewelery. He never buys me jewelery. Disclaimer: he is not mean with me at all - offers to pay for all kinds of things, but never anything romantic - just practical things (which I tend to refuse).

Now, I know I probably sound petty and jealous (perhaps I am!). I'm an only child, I don't understand sibling relationships. But he wants us to get married. I've been married before and don't want to get it wrong again! I'm glad he loves his sister so much but I'm not sure how appropriate his love of her is or where that leaves me?

Am I just being an idiot?

How long have you been with him? when are you supposedly getting married/having kids etc?

Do you have children already? from the previous marriage?

sorry, shed loads of questions, but it does help us help you.

Yes, it was he who moved. I think his family do miss him. We've been together only 1 year. Yes, I already have children but he doesn't.

"His views about my 'place' in the home are an unfortunate consequence of his upbringing as I see it"

That sentence rang a couple of alarm bells for me, tbh. Do you work outside the home? Do you want to continue to do so? Will he be supportive of your career? Will he expect you to have a career AND run the house and iron his shirts? Will he sulk like a baby if you don't iron his shirts and make life unpleasant?

There are blokes out there who will cook and hoover, you know!

Honey, you have to put your DC first, and foremost.

If you have only been with him a year, tbh if you are feeling this noise out of joint and so low down on his list of priorities then you need to be honest with yourself that this is probably not going to work.

A year in to a relationship, you would usually only have eyes for each other, feeling worshipped and adored ,the PAIR of you.

If you didn't have kids, it'd be one thing, and I'd say that you would be bonkers not to get out, but each to their own. The fact that you DO have children, really makes it imperative that go into this happily, hopeful and delighted to be with him, the DC need to be delighted to see their mother so happy and adored by this man.

How long ago were you married? did you manage to have much time to yourself before you met this guy? You really need to spend time to mourn that relationship, to learn from it and to make better decisions the next time around.

If I were you, and in this relationship but not feeling at all valued, this soon in? I'd end it. I'd spend time on my own and regain my confidence, regain my routine and self esteem.

You do say you are a glamorous/well turned out girl, and take great pride in your appearance, so you will not have any difficulty in attracting partners, but this means that you have a lot more chancers to wade through than, say, I would. You may be proud of your appearance, but your posts are coming over as someone somewhat unsure of herself as a woman. Even insecure perhaps. I mean these words to help you btw, I do hope I have managed to convey that correctly.

This man is telling you who he is. A man who expects a woman to obey him and service him, that's who. A man who intends to be your boss/owner as soon as possible. Never mind the sister/jewellery business, he's a controling sexist knob. For your own sake listen to him and dump his sorry arse.

Ooooh, this is just like an episode of friends I saw recently. Rachel's new boyfriend was 'overly friendly' with his sister.

I don't like the sound of him either

Are you sure you want to tie yourself to man like this ?

It appears you are sleepwalking into a bit of a disaster, love

Hey the gang's all here!

Why go to AIBU when most of us who live on AIBU can come to you OP!!

The others say in a few words what I say in a bazillion. No change there then.

Where is he from OP, does he have a visa situation?

Are you sure it's his sister he is buying for (have heard all sorts of stories where blokes and OW are concerned)

"Sister" could = wife back in the mother country

OP, how well do you know this man? And I am not talking about the front he maintains whilst living in this country.

LittleMissHF - I think your assessment of my character is spot on actually.

He doesn't need a work visa as his country is part of the EU. I think it's very unlikely he has another wife that I don't know about because I have met his family (cousins etc) who live here and he is quite well known even within circles of friends that I have who are from the UK. I spend a fair bit of time with him and his friends. He seems to be liked by everyone - I took this as a good sign as I have dated men who were obviously not liked by anyone much and found out the hard way that this was indicative of wider aspects of their character that I was not yet privy to!

BTW my marriage ended 5 years ago. I have been in therapy for about 8 months and I feel that this has helped me grow into someone who feels worthy of a man who will treat me very well. But I still have a lot of work to do. I don't feel undervalued by him most of the time - the opposite really. If I did I would have already left the relationship at this point.

Do you know his home country well? Don't even think about moving in/marriage until you have a better understanding of where he is coming from, in all senses of the word.

How does he get on with your children? From your last post he sounds like a nice enough bloke, but a year is a relatively short time to make a marriage decision.

Can I just say I don't think there is anything wrong with him buying his sister jewellry as a gift . When I was 18 - 25 my eldest brother worked abroad in very far flung places, and most times when he returned home (every six months or so) he would bring gifts for myself or my two siblings, including a diamond necklace, precious stones, watches, cameras etc .we didn't expect gifts or ask for anything , but I think it was his way of telling us he missed us and also perhaps showing my family that he was doing well in his job - he was never good at words or expressing his feelings. (being a pretty tough Glaswegian!) I think there is something else going on here as others have said , and pehaps you are not comfortable with other aspects of your relationship. I wouldn't like to think my brother's girlfriend at the time thought his behaviour towards his siblings inappropriate just because he bought us gifts.

Weeteeny - thanks for giving your perspective. I think that when you put it like that it makes more sense to me. He doesn't go home very much - maybe twice a year.

He's lovely with the children. I agree a year is too long to make a big commitment.

I'd say they behaviour is odd, not suspicious worthy

I'm more bothered about the fact that he buys her nice stuff and not, i would make an issue out of that. not like shouting but next time he does make like a snide remark may get the message.

She is his younger sister, and buying jewelry is probably an easy gift. My brother bought me earrings before. We were best friends, and if he brought a girlfriend to meet me, it meant he liked her a lot. I never was jealous of any of his girl friends, now I would find that weird from anyone over the age of 17. It was the opposite, "any friend of his was a friend of mine".
I was not allowed to accept jewrly from boys, perhaps he was raised in that same way, and does not want to be disrespectful? "
Nice" girls did not accept anything valuable like jewelry or money.

Because that's a great way to communicate Delia

OP "His views about my 'place' in the home are an unfortunate consequence of his upbringing as I see it."

It might be unfortunate, but just because he has these views and is nice in other ways doesn't mean you have to live your life in this way. Unfortunately if it's as ingrained as that he's unlikely to change however much you try to "enlighten" or "train" him. Save yourself the bother!

I am also an only child so can't really comment on the normality or otherwise of his relationship with his sister.

Don't mind my asking, but you say his family is abroad and he seems to have quite 'dated' percerptions of what a woman's role should be - is there a difference of cultures involved here as well?

Yes, definitely a cultural difference. His family are from the south of Italy. I do get the impression they don't have very enlightened views about the role women have.

Unfortunately I do think it's something you need to take into consideration if you're looking at this long term. A friend of mine married someone with a different cultural background with a similar perception of a 'woman's role'. She had a very high flying job and all was well until she left to have their two daughters. Now that she is at home he does nothing whatsoever in relation to the house or the children and it drives her nuts.

There are some blokes who are fun to go out with but a nightmare to marry. He may be one of these. If you have kids and a house then there is no rush to live wth this guy. would gve it alot more time, and you may decide you never want to live wth him as he would be too restrictive.

My DS and DD are 9 years apart, 33 and 24 and I can see him buying his sister jewellery as a gift and not think anything of it. They were very close as children and he just doted on her. If he treats his sister well that is probably an indication of the type of person he is. But I think he is brainwashed as to what he thinks a womans place in the home is.

Thanks again for your insightful replies. They have certainly given me food for thought as MNers always do

Just a (practical) thought. I live overseas and often send jewellery as gifts for family and friends as it is very light and easy to post.....just saying....