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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i invisible

62 replies

feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 10:08

thats how I feel. DH and 2 DC just seem to ignore anything I say. Please hurry up and have breakfast - always late. Hurry up and get into car now please, we have to leave for school - always late. Please do your homework - drags it out. Get ready for bed - drags it out. It just doesn't seem to matter what I do or what I say, nobody is listening. Is it stupid of me to feel so hurt? I hide my tears frequently and feel so undervalued as person. Have told said people how I feel and nothing, and I mean nothing ever changes, no words of apology, nothing. DH frequently talks over me before I have finished talking and that is so rude. When I complain about that he switches it round so that I am the one in the wrong. Sad. I just dont know what to do anymore and today I feel sadder than ever. Any words of wisdom ladies?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 14/03/2011 10:12

Tell them all how you feel and withdraw..... This has worked to some extent with my teens....... I just stopped organising them and watched their worlds fall apart. Just for a week

No homework done or of done, not on time
Clothes not washed as still on bedroom floor
Belongings scattered where they were left

5 sc so it was chaos, but message got through. No DH thankfully, so not faced the adult scenario

3littlefrogs · 14/03/2011 10:15

They are taking you for granted. I agree with ILoveTIFFANY. Tell them once, then leave it up to them, let them face the consequences.

How old are the dc? Clearly they are taking their cue from their father.

Stop being a doormat. Sorry you feel so unnappreciated - it really does hurt.

Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 10:16

I love them all so very much its hard for me to withdraw although I did leave them all for a week or so last year, for the very reasons mentioned here. Nothing changed Sad. They knew I was having a break because I felt sad at the way things were.

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3littlefrogs · 14/03/2011 10:18

Do you have a job outside the home?

I ask, because if you haven't, it might be worth looking for something. It can build your self esteem, give you some extra cash, and get you out of the house and force dc and dh to pull their weight, and fend for themselves a bit.

smokingnuns · 14/03/2011 10:19

Not sure how old your children are but they are taking the lead from their dad - learned behaviour. If you are frequently crying - and have to hide it Sad - it suggests this has been going on for some time, is an established way of treating you. I'm so sorry this has got so bad, I really feel for you. I don't know what to suggest but your problem is your husband.

porpoisefull · 14/03/2011 10:20

I think you need to focus on your DH's behaviour. It's a bit of a MN cliche but I don't know whether relationship counselling might help since part of its purpose is to make each person really listen to the other.

Are you a SAHM by any chance? Could that be linked to your DH undervaluing you?

porpoisefull · 14/03/2011 10:21

x-post!

ChildofIsis · 14/03/2011 10:22

It seems like your self-esteem is very low.
Whilst your feeling of being invisible is with you, that's how you'll be perceived.

I appreciate that this isn't how you want to be, no doubt you've found yourself in this situation and don't know what to do.

Have you thought about practising being strong/authoritarian whilst looking in a mirror?
You could practise using a low, quiet forcefull voice, one that will be obeyed!

If you believe that you will be heard then your demeanor will alter to fit your perception of yourself.

As the prevoius poster suggested you could do less for them, they'll have to ask for your help and be polite to get it.

You are a valuable human being and require respect from those who love you.

Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 10:30

Yes I am a SAHM and even tough I say so myself, I a the most attentive mother. Quite frankly I suppose DC are spoilt, spoilt with love, with possesions, with my attention. DH says part of my trouble is that I shout and it is ineffective. I do shout, yes, but only after I have spoken and asked nicely 2/3 times. DH works long hours so mostly the childcare is down to me. When DC are really not doing as requested I do take away laptops, Playstations, phones etc for a while. Have stopped clearing up bedrooms (they really dont care), especially DD, her room is totally disgusting now. DC are 12 and 16

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smokingnuns · 14/03/2011 10:32

Are they your world? I love my children more than I can express, would die for them in a heartbeat, but I don't like them much at the moment and that is apparent in that I don't want to spend much time with them - their behaviour stinks. That the difference: who they are and their behaviour = two entirely different things.

If you have made them the be-all and end-all of your existence, they will take you for granted. What's the history with your husband - has he always treated you badly, taken you for granted, not given you much status as a person? What was your parents' relationship like, was mum the doormat? Do you have a history of low self-esteem or find it hard to push yourself forward? Sorry for all the questions, some of them clunking, but our parents' relationship does have an effect on how we parent, how we are in our 'marriages' imo, one way or another.

Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 10:35

DH just returned from a 5 day business trip, and still managed to be rude to me whilst I was talking. So, once again, there was no goodnight. I get so hurt that I just don't talk to him, he obviously manages this quite well as he ignores me too and doesn't even bother to ask whats wrong. I feel like giving up, I never in my wildest dreams imagined my life would turn out to feel so lonely and sad. DH and I dont have an intimate relationship either - he is not interested in me, this makes me feel so shitty that I don't even like myself anymore. I never smile or laugh anymore I just feel like shit.

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Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 10:46

Yes I suppose it would be fair to say that DH has not given me much status as a person and has put me down more times than I could ever remember. DC are my world, as is he, I feel I give so much and receive little in return. I'm not really asking for anything other than to be treated with respect, I would go out of my way to make my loved ones happy and I always thought DC wanted to please their parents. Is it a generation thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 10:48

I actually believe I could leave this family and no one would really be bothered, I would not be missed. I dont want to leave.

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 14/03/2011 10:53

Not got much time to reply now but the thing that stands out to me is "Don't get sad, get mad"! Sounds to me like you need to remind yourself of your own value, and that you do NOT DESERVE to be treated like this, and then work on some justified anger!

Mouseface · 14/03/2011 10:53

feeling

You need to tell DH how you are feeling.

If he thinks all is well with you, he's just going to carry on regardless.

Start by telling him how he makes you feel without using it as a personal attack.

Just keep it light and calm.

See what he says to you and take it from there. I'd just tell him about one or two things, pause and let him respond rather than a firing a barrage of 'you make me feel like this' or 'you don't do this anymore'

Failing that, take yourself off on a two week holiday somewhere exotic and leave them all to it. Wink

RudeEnglishLady · 14/03/2011 11:08

This might sound cliched but do you have regular activities or nights out that don't involve DH or DCs? If you build your life up then its harder for people to take it away from you. It wins you respect and makes you feel better and cheerier. If you felt better about yourself you probably wouldn't be so bothered about your husbands crass ways and he'd probably be trying to get your attention more and so be more positive. This is not a critisism but right now, what are your family seeing? Someone who is sad, shouty and a bit weak. No wonder they think they can take advantage of you. Also not much fun to be around.

Please start valuing yourself more and doing stuff you enjoy. I bet you could be feeling happier within the week if you just stop fighting their apathy and rudeness and did something you enjoy. I'm not really one for discussing stuff like this - if I feel a bit out of it and unappreciated I tend to just organise a night out or a new project.

Its a real shame though that this is your reward for all the caring you've done for them all these years. Get a bit meaner!

Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 11:11

DH knows exactly how I feel Sad. If i tell him he is rude to me or something he takes it as a personal attack and then is even worse, like he couldn't possible be responsible for me feeling so hurt. As for going off on a 2 week holiday alone, well that fills me with dread. I adore my family so much it hurts. I don't want to run away, I need to find a way of having a happy home again, I need to find a way of having my family listen to me and respond accordingly.

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RudeEnglishLady · 14/03/2011 11:14

So - activities and projects etc. that might take you out of the house for 2-3 hours a few times a week?

Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 11:17

RudeEnglishLady, you are right on every point. I meetup with friends once or twice during the week and weekends, as a family, we often go out for dinner. I wouldn't choose to go out and do my own thing at the wkend even though I stupidly so look forward to the wkend for us all to be together, only for them all to go and do their 'own thing'.

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Mouseface · 14/03/2011 11:30

Hmm, well if he knows how you feel and still behaves like that, he's being a bit of a shit.

I knew he'd take it as a personal attack, which is why I said what I did about the way you talk to him.

TBH, he sounds quite draining on you.

Does he support you with the DCs? So if you say 'come on, we need to leave now or we'll be late'

Does he say 'come on, mum's right, let's go'

Or does he ignore you?

If you plan something at the weekend, how often does it actually happen?

Mouseface · 14/03/2011 11:36

I think you need some time out for them all to miss you and notice just how much you do.

Sorry you are so upset.

RudeEnglishLady · 14/03/2011 11:39

Feeling - you sound so sad :(

I think you should maybe talk to a counsellor or someone who will definately listen to you. Talk about your expectations and adjust them into what you can live without (e.g. levels of family time unsustainable as the dcs get older) and stuff thats non-negotiable (e.g. basic level of respect.)

I suggest that because my husband cannot talk about anything 'feelings based' without panicing or getting upset and so I have learned to go to him with definite actions and requests which will then get responded to. I figure feelings out with family or friends and then get him to take part in the action points and I don't have to face the indignity and humiliation of having my innermost thoughts ignored or trampled on! (For those that think thats wierd - it works well for us and thats all that matters!)

You sound like you feel very rejected though, and I bet if someone actually asked your family "what do you think of Feeling?" they'd say they loved you wildly. I think they are just caught up in themselves and not trying to reject you or make you feel like this.

Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 11:48

Mouseface, DH doesn't often back me up in front of DCs, even when they are rude to me. He says its for me to deal with and that he should not interfere Sad, I disagree and have told him as such. He is not around much for the times when I am asking DC to hurry up and do as I ask, he is usually as work. He is also more relaxed with DC than I am, perhaps because he doesn't have to do so much for them?? Whenever I ask can we do something at the weekend, DH always says yes, he is very good like that, its not as though I am never heard, but I do have to ask. DH and I never go out as a couple.

RudeEnglishLady, talking with a counsellor is an option I agree, albeit an expensive one, although sadly, from prvious counselling experiences, and there have been quite a few, it always makes me feel worse and a few of them have unprofessionally told me what they thought of Dh and it has not been complimentary.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelingsodownjustnow · 14/03/2011 11:51

DH has on numerous occasions accused me of thinking about 'me, me, me'. It could certainly come across that way and yes I am thinking of 'me,me,me' its me who is feeling sad at the way we live. I NEED recognition, love and attention. I also NEED the love and respect of DH (an intimate relationship would be a good start). I don't think I am being unreasonable. DH is so busy and caught up in his work (self-employed) he probably doesnt have the time to ponderabout any dissatisfaction in life. Yes I could get busy and not spend so much time thinking too but that will only mask and not remedy the situation.

OP posts:
smokingnuns · 14/03/2011 12:07

I'd stop trying to get him to change (he is the source of the pain imo) and would change yourself. Get into counselling, absolutely pronto, to talk to someone who listens to you, values what you have to say and can point you towards some strategies - at least. It may be easy for me to say I don't know why you love your husband as he sounds like a total shit, a baby - sorry if that hurts you. It is unbearably painful, soul-destroying, to be in a family where you aren't shown love and respect but are subjected to rejection and dismissal as a matter of course. You are worth much more than this OP - I know that is a catch-phrase these days, often used inappropriately, but in this instance it is apt.

As for your kids - yes, imo this is a generational thing (mine are foul Angry) but it isn't helped by your husband taking the lead, not only supporting but advocating treating you very poorly, training your kids in it. It's a shit life for you OP, crushingly painful. I have longed for my kids too (I am not married, kids grown), longed to have some good times together but my hopes are inevitably crushed. I have turned away and I get on with my own life. They have to earn my love, it isn't handed to them on a plate to be trodden over, pearls before swine.

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