Am i invisible

[feelingsodownjustnow]

thats how I feel. DH and 2 DC just seem to ignore anything I say. Please hurry up and have breakfast - always late. Hurry up and get into car now please, we have to leave for school - always late. Please do your homework - drags it out. Get ready for bed - drags it out. It just doesn't seem to matter what I do or what I say, nobody is listening. Is it stupid of me to feel so hurt? I hide my tears frequently and feel so undervalued as person. Have told said people how I feel and nothing, and I mean nothing ever changes, no words of apology, nothing. DH frequently talks over me before I have finished talking and that is so rude. When I complain about that he switches it round so that I am the one in the wrong. . I just dont know what to do anymore and today I feel sadder than ever. Any words of wisdom ladies?

What is it you love about your husband if he doesn't treat you with respect, show you love and affection or want a sexual relationship with you?

Good luck OP. It sounds like you are having a tough time, but the answer really does lie with you. As long as you make up for their lack of responsibility they will continue to let you. I also agree that the larger part of the problem is your DH. Please give some careful consideration as to what you believe is acceptable in your relationship, and don't put up with what isn't!

Feeling - You are not being unreasonable, but with respect you seem to be coming across as a person who needs to be needed perhaps too much. Nothing will remedy the situation until you take control of your life and remember that it doesn't have to be like this. Sorry to be repetitive if this has already been said, but you need to build up your sense of self and only then will you be able deal with your family with confidence and authority. Have you thought perhaps that they really do not need you as much as you think? With respect, your DCs are not tiny children - they are teenagers and personalities in their own right, as is your DH. I would endorse everything that has been said about spendign time away from them - you must have a good deal of time to yourself after all as a SAHM. There must be loads of things you could get involved in where your contribution will be appreciated. My DP is very similar to yours in his attitude towards me - no affection, no respect etc but my answer is to need him less, not more. I accept that he's never going to be any different but at least I have interests outside of him that are a pleasure to me. If he doesn't want to spend time with you, just get out and do something else and let him get on with it. Good luck.

Yes, I know that making a life for myself and getting my own interests etc would help me feel so much better about my life but come the weekend I want to BE with my family. I wouldn't have thought that too much to ask. I can do all my stuff during the week, I look forward to spending time with my family at the weekend. Isn't that whats being a family is 'being together'. Here I am again, on MN on a sat morning when everyone else is off out 'doing their thing'. I couldn't imagine not 'being here' at the weekend whilst I go off and persue 'my thing'. That said, I DO really understand what you are all saying. I admit, I am sure I would feel a whole lot better about life and would feel so much less needy and neglected if relationship with DH was ok and he was having a 'proper relationship' with me.

nurseblade - I ask myself that a million times. I cant help that I still love him, I am from the old school whereby you get married for the long haul. I cant imagine being anywhere else, I have been here 25yrs, half my life. I just want him want me.

Don't shoot me OP - does he have aspergers characteristics?

As for the long haul - I applaud you on that (so refreshing to hear it amidst the baying 'leave him!' crowd) but if you are in for the long haul then you need to do a lot (a LOT) of work to keep it - either that or leave him. Can't stay AND do no work iyswim. It's those who don't want to do the work, think mr perfect is just around the corner, who are quick with the 'leave him' trigger.

Your teenagers (nearly) are really not interested in 'family time' also OP - which will increase as they get older and the time will come, quite soon, when they won't even come on family holidays. That'll leave you with misery guts - best to do some intense work now (therapy, counselling, reading, building yourself up) in preparation...

You could insist on a family day eg once a month, where you all go out on a family jaunt for the entire day. Take instructions for your 3 CHILDREN, that they behave themselves, make it clear what you expect. I always find it's better to programme them all before we leave the house.

Relationships take work from both people, not just the woman. He isn't making any kind of effort so however much you try you won't get anywhere. I don't think marriage for life is an old school idea, I think it's what most people want when they get married. People just have different limits to what they will tolerate in a marriage.

If he isn't having sex with you OP do you think he could be having an affair?

As for your children, it's unfair to expect teenagers to want to spend time with you. Part of growing up is finding your own life and interests away from parents. However they should be helping around the house.

In an ideal world they both work on it Nurseblade but that's not always how it pans out. OP wants to stay in her marriage come hell or high water - and has shown a very high tolerance for appalling treatment. If you, OP, do some work on yourself you'll at least enrich your own life and not be on the end of your negligent OH's behaviour, even if he never changes.

As things stand, your marriage sounds like a prison sentence with regular solitary and torture thrown in. You are not actually in prison, despite how it feels, and have freedom to carve out a life for yourself. It is your choice if you want to stay in a marriage that never comes up with the goods and is a serious drain on your self-esteem - a lot of people do stay in marriages like that. All the more reason why you must build your own life.

It's probably against MN 'rules' but have you had a snoop to see if he is playing away? Can I also ask if you are financially independent, do you have freedom to spend the family finances without the third degree?

Can't help much with the husband side, but as for the teenager/12yo I think you need to be careful to separate two things:

their willingness to do housework and get out of bed

and

their love for you

These two are very unlikely to be related in their minds. Most teenagers are sloppy and lazy. They can be made to be fairly useful simply because they should.

But if you make them associate basic housework with your own feelings of being unloved, they will come to dislike it possibly to the point where they are still slobs long after you are gone.

I reckon this is why I spring cheerfully to any outdoor or cooking or academic work, but only do the dusting under duress: the former tasks were things that my mum dealt with quite briskly (don't be silly, of course you have to learn your German verbs and make a cake for tea and lend a hand with the boat). The household work always seemed to come with emotional baggage, a kind of feeling that if you did it badly or reluctantly it was because you didn't value her as a person. And underneath it all was a feeling that however hard I tried, however perfect my dusting (not that it ever was) I probably wouldn't be able to fill that hole and make her happy. She was a great mum, but I do think she suffered from depression during my teens- and I also think there was unresolved communication issues between her and my dad. But at the age of 47, I still feel uncomfortable at the sight of a duster...

So do by all means make them behave- but try to keep the emotion out of it. The emotions are what you and your dh need to deal with.

Great post Cory

I am with nurseblade on this, I think. I applaud you for being in it for the long haul - many wouldn't contemplate staying in your position. You obviously love your DH. As he's unlikely to change and doesn't seem to respect or desire you, why on earth would you WANT to spend time with him? And as for the teenagers, I think I would be worried about a teen who actively wants to spend time with parents! Flame me if you like, but you seem to be living in cuckoo land as regards the way other families spend their time at weekends - in my experience, very few spend time together in the way you seem to think they do, and the ones that do are those with younger children. Are you perhaps idealising things? Do you perhaps have an idea of the way a perfect relationship should be in your head? If that's the case, then you are very likely to be disappointed. Meanwhile, please, for your own sake, try to find something that the rest of you family can't share and just get on with enjoying something without them. It's your call.

Cory, brilliant post.