Am i invisible

[feelingsodownjustnow]

thats how I feel. DH and 2 DC just seem to ignore anything I say. Please hurry up and have breakfast - always late. Hurry up and get into car now please, we have to leave for school - always late. Please do your homework - drags it out. Get ready for bed - drags it out. It just doesn't seem to matter what I do or what I say, nobody is listening. Is it stupid of me to feel so hurt? I hide my tears frequently and feel so undervalued as person. Have told said people how I feel and nothing, and I mean nothing ever changes, no words of apology, nothing. DH frequently talks over me before I have finished talking and that is so rude. When I complain about that he switches it round so that I am the one in the wrong. . I just dont know what to do anymore and today I feel sadder than ever. Any words of wisdom ladies?

You need to put yourself first becuase they clearly aren't. You need to instigate tough love and mean it. I am guessing that at the moment they jsut don't take you seriously becuase you don't take yourself seriously. Stop doing things, stop being a skivvy, that is not what being a MOTHER is about. You can still be a mother, love and nurture without being a general dogsbody.

Do you worship your husband OP? It sounds as though you won't hear a word said against him - not that a counsellor should give their opinion, unlike me . But if plenty of people are saying it, do you think there may be something in that?

this is such a sad thread :(

I'd like to echo what has been said above. You need to start putting yourself first. A job, a hobby, volunteer work, adult ed course - whatever floats your boat. Do something for you, to build up your self esteem a bit. Stop pandering to every 'need' of your family and let them look after themselves for a bit.

Hmm this sounds familiar. My husband is self employed and works from home. I was fed up of feeling like an invisible spare part so I got a job. Unfortunately (for my dh) my job doesn´t fit in with school hours as I teach children after school in the afternoons. So he is at home with the dc in the afternoons.

What a difference this has made!! As if this wasn´t enough I then enrolled on a college course so two nights a week I go to college straight from work and I don´t get home until past nine o´clock.

I feel a little guilty at times but it has given me a sense of worth and has reminded me that I am a person (sorry a bit cliché). I am currently advising my sister who is going through similar albeit with just one child who is still a toddler that she can´t make the home and the family her world that she needs to carve out a life for herself whether it involves hobbies, work, studying...

for you feelingsodown

Your DCs - one is a teenager, one is close to being one, so it's perhaps natural that they are in a stage of ignoring their mother, because we parents know nothing as far as teenagers are concerned.

Easier said than done I know, but is there any chance of you getting a job? So that instead of saying "Please get ready so I can drive you to school" you can say "I need to leave for work in five minutes. If you want me to give you a lift to school on the way, then you need to be ready."

• I need a job for the same reasons. I feel that house/kids is all I am and all I do, so I am expected to run around after them and pick up and tidy up after them. If I had a job I could legitimately say "Sorry, I don't have time to do that, I've got to go to work."

In the meantime my DH had a good strategy with our DS1, who is always late/disorganised. When it was something that DS1 wanted to do, he would remind him once, then let him be late for it and miss out.

I do think your DCs are a bit old to be nagged about having breakfast. Would it do any harm if they went hungry one morning because they had left it too late? Can they get to school on their own? Would it be the end of the world if you invented an appointment and went off in the morning without them?

Or - if one is ready and not the other, take the one that is ready, and come back for the other one. Who will then presumably get a detention.

boot camp stylee is definately the answer here, you are their mother and a wife, not a skivvy/slave to be ignored when they feel like it.

I do this with my DCs

I will not answer to either of them shouting 'mummieeee' from any part of the house, they have to come and look for me if they need something

oldest is given an allowance, quite high but she has to buy all her own clothes, school lunches if she can't be bothered to make her own which I provide ingredients for, pay any excess on mobile tel ( she now knows the price of everything ). This allowance is docked if she is cheeky or fails to do her chores of which she has a list.

I do not help with homework, but discuss it

I refuse to discuss issues if there is shouting and rudeness, stating that when they are ready we can sit and talk calmly

No means NO, you cannot do it ( giving reasons ) or you cannot have it

My 12 year old gets the bus to and from school.

I implemented these tactics about 10 months ago and its worked wonders.

Start with the DCs then move on to DH

Be strong and take charge of them, they will actually probably appreciate it and if nothing else will learn a few life skills

DCs school is too far away so I have to drive them, they also school for really long hours so I do not ask them to do chores, although I know it would be good for them. DH will always help if I ask. I sometimes wonder do I just expect too much, life is not perfection is it. It took rounds of fertility treatment to give me my DC, maybe thats why I have pandered to them so much.

You are ruining them if you spoil them OP. Wonderful that IVF was successful but it's a level playing field once they're born. Are dc's at public/private school? That often gives kids an exaggerated sense of entitlement (mine went to both public and state schools and the difference in them when they went to the public school was marked - they were obnoxious). Your setup could be from the 1950s by the sound of it (apart from the IVF) - you the SAH wifey, hubby man of the house, kids and hubby treating you like an unpaid servant, you weeping into the ironing. If they aren't ready in the morning they make their own way, on the bus or on foot. Are your dc's boys? oh OP! When will the worm turn?!

I think holySchmoley's post at 12.12 sounds great.

They have no reason to stop doing this right now because you are allowing them to treat you like this. They take you for granted. I think you need to hold a house meeting and set some very firm ground rules, whilst explaining exactly how you feel. Your feelings matter too and they will only respect you more in the long run if you put your foot down. I feel so angry with them all on your behalf. Especially your DH. How dare he treat you so poorly? You sound like a wonderful mum and wife and anyone would be lucky to have you.

Would you reconsider some counselling? Maybe CBT? To have support in putting rules in place and valuing yourself more. I think it would really help. What advice would you give someone else in your position?

OP - I really feel for you. Have you read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"?

I've found it really helpful in allowing my DS to take more responsibility for himself, and not spending all day nagging for things to be done.

Good luck.

Without reading what every one else has said, i will add this.....

You love your family & you feel invisible?

I think this can be said for many SAHM me included.

You'r husband & kids have life's away from the home work/school.

Your life revolves around them, thier lifes are busier outwith the home, you'r life is consumed by the home & them.

You need to find something other than them & the house to fill you'r time. Weather that be a part time job, Hobbie or just some good old fasioned me time whatever you want to do.

You are the rock of the family & they know that you are there no matter what & maybe they are being a bit selfish too by knowing this.
You are not invisible it has just became the norm that you are there regardless of what they are doing.

By doing you'r own thing this will help you to find something else to talk about or detach from the invisibilty you feel. It will also give you & them something else to think about, you cant always be at thier disposal (you probably will) but it will give them something to think about & they will apprecciate your time more if they see you invest in other past times activities, you may find they buck up to you. I find this works for me :)

OP, you just don't seem to have any boundaries, you are giving it all out, all the time, and emotionally running on empty. People with your innate "giving" personality can take this to the extreme of having absolutely nothing left, and breakdown beckons. I think you are close.

I would take a different line on the advice and suggest that you don't worry about how to manage your children or your husband: I think you need to learn how to manage yourself. Be a bit more selfish: you deserve it just like any other human being does. So you do enough at home, but not too much. You get a job, or if finding a job is hard and you are solvent, volunteer. Believe me there will be an organisation somewhere local to you that will really appreciate someone with so much giving. Meet some new people, have evenings out with new friends....none of this stops you caring for your family. But don't tolerate them taking you for granted.

Good luck.

You said in one of your earlier posts that developing things outside of the home won't address the main issue ie you want your husband and family to change, to love and appreciate you, that's all you want. tbh OP they will change when you do. It's so sad that you're beating your fists against a door that isn't going to open! You've said over and over to them, tried it the same way for a long time now, if things were going to change they would've by now. When you change, it will change.

Thank you all for your kind messages of advice, all which I have taken on board. The sun is out and I am feeling much more positive. Today DS was late for school,we left the house 15mins late because he was slow to get ready, did he care? NO, today neither did I but did I drive fast to get him there on time? NO. If he gets into trouble he will have himself to blame. I am going to, definately, give them all more rope to hang themselves instead of constantly rallying round, there, said it, mind made up. Feel so petty for having had a moan and and a whine here anyway, look at Japan, now that is a problem. My heart goes out to thosepoor people. Today and for hereonafter, I appreciate my life.

feelingdown,you are me ,except i have three children and a dog and a husband with a long hours job,I also work three days a week and I am without doubt invisable as a person ,even at work where I have a job which is on the face of it quite high level I am invisable because I work part time hours and by definition therefore am less important and valued .

I have been sad,am sad ,it's all very well saying let the teenagers (my ds1 is 17) get on with it but the back lash is awful,he has a heck of a temper and I am on my own most of the time.Dh leaves the house around 7am and is rarely home before 9pm ,my yougest is 9 so doesn't see much of him during the week.
My dh is good at cleaning etc but essentially I feel they need a housekeeper not a wife/mother because they want all the services;washing ,cooking ,cleaning ,taxi service,IT engineer,holiday booker,social secretary and diary maintainer ,but they want it on their terms and and they want it for free !!

We are in the middle of another blow up about this ,I am getting to the stage where I can't be bothered with dh,we met at Uni,we were a good team I never thought this would happen to me I have a good degree from a top 5 university and two professional qualifcations ,now I am everybody's dogsbody/skivvy.I feel humiliated constantly asking for support and then not getting it,or getting it for a couple of weeks and then him thinking,oh she's got over it now I can go back to normal.

I want to get mad not sad but even if I withdraw all labour get my own life etc they don't change ,ultimately if I am going to be comfortable in my home I have to get back into it,also my 9 year old shouldn't have to live in a house full of shouty angry teenagers and no clean crockery.

Everything's relative OP - Japan may be suffering but you have been too (ditto Woodentop). I don't think you were 'moaning', I think you have a legitimate angst which is causing you both a lot of pain and unhappiness. Telling yourself 'not to be so silly' isn't going to get the job done imo. woodentop, if you 'ask for support', the assumption is that it's your job and you need some help - is it your job to be the family's unpaid servant? imo a lot of men get out of balance with the work/life thing, spending too much time at work at the expense of the quality of family life. A tragic mistake imo.

Don't sweep it all under the carpet op, I think getting it all off your chest on here must be some kind of help to you.

At least on here, you're not invisible and people really do care.

You really ought to start doing something every week for you. A class in something that you would enjoy?

Thank you Mobly and beautiful night. I am thankful for your comments. mrs woodentop - i am sorry you are in a similar situation to me, I never thought I would be invisible either. I feel totally redundant as a 'person'. I think it must be worse for you as you have a job also, and still feel the way I do. I wish I had the magic answer to make it better for all those who walk in our shoes.

There is a magic answer OP - read the advice on your thread!

There is a way to change it. You, and people in your position eg woodentop, may have some family members who don't recognise, are ignorant to, when they should be pulling their weight (in all ways) but that means you have to be that bit more tough with them. Bootcamp, imo, from what you both describe. If you wait and wait for them to get less ignorant you'll be waiting a long time, as you have been . You're in a powerful position to change it - stop adoring the ground they walk on for a start OP.

You HAVE to make a stand OP.

By sitting back and taking this you are adding to it.

I'm not blaming you for this, but if you don't stop this right now, who is going to.

You clearly love your family. By allowing them to treat you like this, to do nothing to help, to allow your H and the DC to abuse your position, pay you no respect you are creating monsters.

You HAVE to do whatever it takes to be heard. SCREAM, SHOUT, whatever it takes.

Strike, don't pick up after them.

Tell H to keep quiet unless he is going to back you up 100%

If he's not going to keep quiet OR back you up, tell him his presence is detrimental to the development of your family and you would all be better off without him. BLUFF IT, look as if you really mean it.

If you don't take responsibility for your own happiness and self-fulfillment, who will? You'll get more and more worn down, and either snap or being prone to an affair. Which would damage your relationship/family, possibly beyond repair.

Draw a line NOW. Take a stand.

You can only change yourself, not other people. Yes you deserve more, but you are not getting it, so off you go into the wide world and find a new life for yourself. By caring less about what the rest of your family are doing, you might make space to take care of yourself a little. I don't mean massages and manicures, I mean find a way to respect yourself for what you are doing each day. Charities, volunteering, work, fitness, education etc etc will all do it...just pick one. Be the centre of your own world. Make yourself important to YOU. Basically, it is time to get SELFISH.

That sounded a bit bossy, sorry. Support, help and handholding always available here as well :)

The thing is that you can absolutely expect that your children help around the house and treat you with respect. You need to start doing that. They're 12 and 16, it's ridiculous that you do everything for them.

But what you can't do is demand that they give you the love and recognition and feedback that you want. They're teenagers. When children are small, and you give everything to them, they repay you in kind. But teenagers, it's their job to start breaking away from that interdependent relationship so that they can become adults. They don't do it nicely, of course, which is why they're so hard work, but you do have to let them do it. I think you want emotional payment for them for all the effort and love you put in, which is understandable, but I think you're better off if you don't try and exact a high price.

It sounds like your entier world revolves around them, and frankly that's not fair to them anymore than it is to you. I know that you look forward to weekends, and want them to want to be with you, but they're teenagers. It's not a generation thing, it's a developmental stage thing.

You need to get a job outside the house. Really, you do. A life which revolves entirely around pandering to the every need of teenagers is no life, and you need to seek self-worth and positive feedback elsewhere.