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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Well it seems like DH is having an affair

71 replies

Killey · 12/03/2011 09:37

Please don't out me if you recognise me. I'm not upto just yet. But basically around November last year DH started being protective over his phone. Very unusual for him so after a while I got hold of it, had a look and saw that he'd deleted all received and sent text messages PLUS calling history. Made me more suspicious but no real grounds to accuse anything so I just kept an eye on things for a while. NYE he went out with work friends, didn't come home until early hours of the morning (around 4.30am) and was EXTREMELY, UNUSUALLY nice to me for days afterwards. January time saw the start of the "overtime" at work. One day I called him at work, he wasn't there. But I knew that before I rang. Still I didn't say anything. End of January he joined a gym. Bought himself a massive sports holdall, t-shirt, shorts and new trainers - this was his excuse to go out 3 nights a week. After 2 training sessions I looked in his bag, took out his trainers and sniffed them (I know!) guess what - still smelt like freshly bought trainers and not only that, the idiot had forgotten to take the bloody tag off one of them so no way have these been worn.
So to confirm it all (not that it needed it!) I got his phone, found the "dodgy" number, changed it to my number under the same name and hey presto, next day I get the following text:

"Hey, what you upto? I'm bored at work lol, miss you, see you later? xx"

I didn't reply. 20 minutes later:

"I guess you can't talk right now? I'll call you later, around 7pm as per norm x"

He leaves for "gym" at 6.50pm.

So what do I do now? Its hard pretending that I don't know, can't keep it up for much longer.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 12/03/2011 09:44

Confront him you have all the evidence. Can I just say that I am in awe of how you've played this. Do you love him? Could you get past this?

epicfail · 12/03/2011 09:49

Killey how long have you been holding this in? I am afraid you will need to lay your evidence on the table, but how are you feeling? You sound a little numb, understandably. Only you can judge when is the best time, as you know him and can predict what his reaction may be.
So sorry you (or anyone really) has to go though this.

Original poster
Killey · 12/03/2011 09:50

It's been really difficult and I've almost given the game away a few times tbh. Everynight when he says he's going to the gym I just want to shout "no you're not!!" and a few times when he's gone back to work to do "Overtime" I've said "enjoy your overtime" and he's pulled a bit of a face. He may have an idea that I'm on to him. It is really difficult pretending that I don't, I'm sure I must be acting differently. I won't forgive an affair. Things have been going downhill for a while but we're supposed to be patching things up and "trying". Obviously this means something different to him than it does to me.

OP posts:
Ealingkate · 12/03/2011 09:54

If it were me - I think I would have a good trawl through any other affair type threads and take all the best advice from them.

Then decide what you want in the long term - how happy were you before all the secretive stuff started??
So sorry that it's happening to you Sad and an un-mumsnetty hug coming your way

bronze · 12/03/2011 10:02

I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

Make sure you're angry. really angry when it all comes out so that you can be strong

I too am impressed, the switching numbers thing is genius.

Have you worked out when you want to do something about it because obviously it can't continue like this forever

Sunflower38 · 12/03/2011 10:06

Agree that looking through other threads would be helpful.

OP, are you still in the phone under the other name? Just wondering if he has clocked it yet?

I don't know how you have kept it together so well. I would not have been able to keep that in.

Sorry, don't have much advice, hut am sure plenty of others that have been through what you are going through will be on here soon.

Take care.

Sunflower38 · 12/03/2011 10:08

Actually, I would have followed him to be honest the next time he went to the 'gym'!

I'd want to know who/what/where.

And yes, get angry OP, real angry. What an arse to treat you as if you are stupid. trainers with the tag still on them. Good grief.

AnotherMumOnHere · 12/03/2011 10:21

OP I am another one who is in awe of you and your genius re putting your name beside the number. Brill.

Im also so sorry you are going thru this and like Sunflower said I think I would be following him next time he goes 'to gym'.

Call in a RL friend to back you up if necessary (if you have children that need watching) or if you dont have transport. Even perhaps say you are going to see a 'friend' who is in need of help/something similar and you could do with a lift in that direction. It may knock him sideways.

Take care whatever you do. Thinking of you. (((((hugs))))).

HecateTheCrone · 12/03/2011 10:22

silly question, but why have you not just left / asked him to leave or at least just laid it on the table? would that not be more simple?

"I know you are having an affair (list trainers, text message, etc) do not insult my intelligence by even trying to pretend otherwise."

HecateTheCrone · 12/03/2011 10:23

and re the phone number - clearly he knows you did that, because I assume he is not still texting you?

So you know. he knows you know. you know he knows you know - it's getting silly now, don't you think?

perfumedlife · 12/03/2011 10:26

I'm so sorry.

I agree with Hecate, I would confront him. Every day this goes on is another day he is treating you like a fool. This is precious life, months in your life where you are being made a fool of, treated second best. Don't take a minute more of it. You have done the groundwork, you know what's gone on, ask him to his face to be truthful with you, at least once.

FreudianSlippery · 12/03/2011 10:27

Oh god how awful. You are a genius changing it to your number. How did you know which number was the dodgy one though, if he has been deleting the history?

Surely he'll call her at 7 as usual, and it will come through to you... Job done.

AnotherMumOnHere · 12/03/2011 10:27

Just an afterthought but have you considered getting a male RL friend to call the 'dodgy number' and see what response he gets. Even texting it yourself on a 'spare' mobile phone ......... you know the kind of texts the guys do ... then pretend it was a wrong number and start the chatting up. You might get some useful info this way.

God I feel like James Bond here, still cant get over your genius re changing numbers tho. ROFL.

Sunflower38 · 12/03/2011 10:32

I think the reason I'd follow him and get all the facts is so that I'd know there is no way he can try and wriggle out of it, spin you, your family etc a line that you got it wrong.

I'd have done it straight away though - God knows how you are evenable to sleep in the same bed with him holding this in.

HecateTheCrone makes the obvious (and good) point that he should be just asked to leave. I understand you must be hurting and daresay in a lot of shock, but why put yourself through this anymore.

He is obviously having an affair. Get the gory details if you need to (like I said, I'd want to know it all because he is hardly going to tell you it all in the aftermath of this being in the open)and then tell him to get the hell away.

I know how shocked/hurt you must be, but carrying on as if all is OK is achieving what exactly?

xx

squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 10:32

I agree with the others on this. Confront him sooner rather than later. The longer this goes on, the more you are torturing yourself.

TheSleepFairy · 12/03/2011 10:35

So sorry that this is happening.
When did you change the number? It does sound like he knows you know & is now just stringing it out hoping you are just going to let him have his "gym" time.

I wouldn't let it go on any longer like this as I would feel like a mug.

waterrat · 12/03/2011 10:36

Im not sure I agree that you need more facts - you are unhappy and you know what he is doing. Don't drive yourself mad by keeping this to yourself much longer. If you just confront him openly it will surely be clear from his expression?

Im really sorry you are going through this - as Perfumed says above, you get one life, dont waste it living in an unhappy relationship where your partner is not committed to turning things around. You deserve to enjoy your life and be happy.

THere will be a lot of pain to come, but on the other side you will be free - either through confronting him and dealing with his lies, or escaping him altogether.

squeakytoy · 12/03/2011 10:39

I would be very tempted to have a holdall of my own at the ready, and tell him you are going to the gym with him as he sets off.

SeeJaneKick · 12/03/2011 10:43

Why can't you face it? Is it fear? Do you have DC? I am so sorry this is hapening...I can't imagine not saying anything myself though...watchng him go out must be awful!

I think you need to put yourself out of your misery....

Particles · 12/03/2011 10:50

Just want to add my support. You sound like a strong, together person and I am hoping for the best possible outcome for you whatever you decide to do from here.

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 11:14

You sound like you have nerves of steel, if that was me I would've confronted him as soon as I found out! I hope it all works out in the end

squeaky thats a good idea, can you imagine the look on his face if OP did that??

Oh and killey, genius idea of putting your name next to the 'dodgy number' I applaud you for that! How did you find it was that one?

EmmaBGoode · 12/03/2011 11:22

I would be very tempted to have a holdall of my own at the ready, and tell him you are going to the gym with him as he sets off.

Fantastic advice!

ginnyjeans · 12/03/2011 12:49

Is it just me who doesn't understand 'putting your name next to the dodgy number'. You mean on his phone? How are you getting the messages to your phone? Confused.

What a git though. Here's hoping he gets something from her or some intense anal itching at least!

MrsVidic · 12/03/2011 13:04

Do u have dc? If not just leave, dignified feels so empowering

TheSleepFairy · 12/03/2011 13:10

ginny I assumed that Killey had replaced the OW's number with her own mobile number but kept the ow's name so her DH would assume he was texting the OW.

I agree with mrs - no children = pack his bags.

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