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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well it seems like DH is having an affair

71 replies

Killey · 12/03/2011 09:37

Please don't out me if you recognise me. I'm not upto just yet. But basically around November last year DH started being protective over his phone. Very unusual for him so after a while I got hold of it, had a look and saw that he'd deleted all received and sent text messages PLUS calling history. Made me more suspicious but no real grounds to accuse anything so I just kept an eye on things for a while. NYE he went out with work friends, didn't come home until early hours of the morning (around 4.30am) and was EXTREMELY, UNUSUALLY nice to me for days afterwards. January time saw the start of the "overtime" at work. One day I called him at work, he wasn't there. But I knew that before I rang. Still I didn't say anything. End of January he joined a gym. Bought himself a massive sports holdall, t-shirt, shorts and new trainers - this was his excuse to go out 3 nights a week. After 2 training sessions I looked in his bag, took out his trainers and sniffed them (I know!) guess what - still smelt like freshly bought trainers and not only that, the idiot had forgotten to take the bloody tag off one of them so no way have these been worn.
So to confirm it all (not that it needed it!) I got his phone, found the "dodgy" number, changed it to my number under the same name and hey presto, next day I get the following text:

"Hey, what you upto? I'm bored at work lol, miss you, see you later? xx"

I didn't reply. 20 minutes later:

"I guess you can't talk right now? I'll call you later, around 7pm as per norm x"

He leaves for "gym" at 6.50pm.

So what do I do now? Its hard pretending that I don't know, can't keep it up for much longer.

OP posts:

follyfoot · 12/03/2011 13:11

She's put her number in under the 'dodgy' name so when he thinks he is texting 'backendofabus' he is in fact texting his wife....

So so sorry for you. No advice really other than you cant go on like this long term, but then you know that already

TheSleepFairy · 12/03/2011 13:11

Opps pushed send to quickly.

Pack his bags for the shock effect even if you think you may be able to work it all out.

How long have you been togeather?

EmmaBGoode · 12/03/2011 13:11

ginnyjeans, I think the OP changed the number of the OW to her own number, so he sends a text to the OW, but it goes to the OP.

Have to say, that's a bloody good idea!

lubeybooby · 12/03/2011 13:14

OP I'm so sorry this is happening. I have to applaud your stroke of genius with the phone thing.

What's your next move? Hope you're ok xx

Youllskimmer · 12/03/2011 13:18

Wouldn't he have twigged that the number was different by now after he didn't get any replies?

said · 12/03/2011 13:18

How has he explained away lack of extra wages re all this "overtime"?

colditz · 12/03/2011 13:22

text him back, and say you have a surpise for him, and will meet him at X pub.

Ring a friend or relative and arrange for them to be at that pub.

HomeintheSun · 12/03/2011 13:36

I can't believe how strong you are, no real advice but sending you big hugs and a suggestion of what I would do.
I would take his trainers and shorts out his gym bag and change them for some of mine and then wait until he got home from the "gym" and ask him how his gym session was, wait for an answer and then pull out his trainers and shorts and ask him if he thought I was a f***g idiot.

AnotherMumOnHere · 12/03/2011 13:46

Thats another good one Homeinthesun.

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 13:51

Yes that is a good idea, or send him with a bag full of rubbish!

mastercress · 12/03/2011 14:06

You don't trust him. Talk to him about it. If you still don't trust him, you have to make a decision - stay or go. Don't torture yourself or your family by holding on if the trust has gone.

droves · 12/03/2011 14:14

Id txt him (via dodgy number ) and ask him to meet at pub /park/bus stop at x time , and have friends with you , each with a bag of his tat. Make sure you look stunning

Hand him the stuff ...then go out and have a fab night out with your mates.

oh ...and post her number on dating sites so she gets attention from OM ... with any luck she will dump him too.

AnotherMumOnHere · 12/03/2011 14:30

Oh droves I thought it was just me that has those nasty thoughts.

droves · 12/03/2011 14:55

I dont think its nasty ...more pro-active.
Actually shows the bloke in question , that OP will not be sitting around crying her eyes out.

Instead she'll be laughing her head off , looking good probably getting chatted up , and having a blast.
Whilst he wonders where on earth hes going to live? And how he will get all those bin bags back there without looking like a complete arse in the process.

droves · 12/03/2011 14:58

As for posting ow number on dating sites .... all your doing is giving her a head start on finding someone else who is not a lying cheating scunbag.

Shes probably unaware the op exists...and i think hes been lying to her too.

Melly19MummyToBe · 12/03/2011 14:59

Exactly droves! Not nasty at all really, not when you think of what he has been doing! Wouldn't have the best effect if he had a car though. He could just chuck all the bags in the boot.

Youllskimmer · 12/03/2011 15:00

Can't you say 'are you having an affair?'

And show him the evidence.

It would make things far simpler.

Deliainthemaking · 12/03/2011 15:04

Poor you OP must be sickening

I think you have enough evidence to confront him.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/03/2011 16:29

Killey why do you need anything more than you've already got to leave this relationship? You've said you'd never forgive an affair, yet you know he's having one. If that really is your deal-breaker, then it's already happened.

I suspect what you mean is that if you confront him with all the evidence, he will still lie and try to offer explanations for all of it, that unfortunately you cannot disprove either way - and that actually, until you have incontrovertible evidence (a smoking gun) you can still exist in some denial that this is actually happening. At the moment, the pay-off to you of not confronting is that you won't have to follow through on your own beliefs.

So it might be wise to question those beliefs and challenge whether an affair really is a deal-breaker. If you can see that you could get past this if you are told the truth and the affair ends, get your evidence and confront.

But if you still come up with the answer that you cannot forgive, then you don't need anything else, except your own self-permission to end this relationship.

colditz · 12/03/2011 18:42

Hope you're ok.

withagoat · 12/03/2011 18:54

In like the number changing trick.

Vv good

Do I know you?

BattyNora · 12/03/2011 18:58

It must be awful for you.

Can you explain WHY you have not confronted him.

Is it because you cannot bare to face the fallout? scared of the truth (whatever that may be)? Need or want to discover more for yourself first?

If its the latter then use this time wisely - that he does not know you are onto him. If you feel the need to know who she is etc etc then I think you need to follow him when he goes to the "Gym". Enlist the helps of some good RL friends and gather info.

You cannot just keep carrying on though. You need to do something - either confront now or gather enough info that satisfies your curiosity, then confront him with that.

Good luck - let us know you are OK.

TDada · 12/03/2011 20:09

killey, genius idea of putting your number next to the 'dodgy name'

shemademedoit · 12/03/2011 20:30

If he doesn't know you're on to him, he will as soon as the OW phones him and her name doesn't appear on the screen.... I'd be preparing to confront him about it tonight. Good Luck: I feel for you.

Original poster

Killey · 12/03/2011 21:05

Test

OP posts:

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