Well it seems like DH is having an affair

[Killey]

Please don't out me if you recognise me. I'm not upto just yet. But basically around November last year DH started being protective over his phone. Very unusual for him so after a while I got hold of it, had a look and saw that he'd deleted all received and sent text messages PLUS calling history. Made me more suspicious but no real grounds to accuse anything so I just kept an eye on things for a while. NYE he went out with work friends, didn't come home until early hours of the morning (around 4.30am) and was EXTREMELY, UNUSUALLY nice to me for days afterwards. January time saw the start of the "overtime" at work. One day I called him at work, he wasn't there. But I knew that before I rang. Still I didn't say anything. End of January he joined a gym. Bought himself a massive sports holdall, t-shirt, shorts and new trainers - this was his excuse to go out 3 nights a week. After 2 training sessions I looked in his bag, took out his trainers and sniffed them (I know!) guess what - still smelt like freshly bought trainers and not only that, the idiot had forgotten to take the bloody tag off one of them so no way have these been worn.
So to confirm it all (not that it needed it!) I got his phone, found the "dodgy" number, changed it to my number under the same name and hey presto, next day I get the following text:

"Hey, what you upto? I'm bored at work lol, miss you, see you later? xx"

I didn't reply. 20 minutes later:

"I guess you can't talk right now? I'll call you later, around 7pm as per norm x"

He leaves for "gym" at 6.50pm.

So what do I do now? Its hard pretending that I don't know, can't keep it up for much longer.

You OK? x

Ok thanks for the replies. I changed the number back to normal when he came home. I knew which was the dodgy number because after having looked at his phone a couple of times I realised that whilst he deleted all texts as soon as they came, he only deleted the call history every couple of days (maybe assumed I wouldn't look there?) and this one number was called at the same time every night and always at a time when he would have just left for the gym. I changed it to my number, kept the name the same. He text it thinking he was texting her. I changed it back to normal that same night, don't know if he twigged on or not, if he has, he hasn't let on. People ask why I've not confronted him. Well I don't think I'm ready to open that can and let those particular worms escape just yet. Infact, I'm scared actually. I'm scared because I know that once it's all out in the open the shit will hit the fan and all hell will break lose. It's a bit like trying to gather the courage to get onboard a huge coaster ride which you know you'll hate but you know you need to get on anyway. I don't even know what to say when I say it. I don't know if I want to know the details but I'm sure I won't be able to resist asking. I don't know how he'll react, will he say "yeah, you're right, I want a divorce" or "I'm so sorry, please forgive me" I don't know which will be worse.
I'm just scared. I don't know what to do

Well now that it seems you have some time, you need to decide what you want to do. If you want to go: make a get out plan now. Move important documents, put cash away somewhere, gather evidence etc. Then confront and leave if you want to. If you want to stay, then you'll need to work through this together. Work out what you want to say to him, and which questions you need answered in order to move forward together. I'd still gather evidence/stash stuff though, because if he decides he wants to divorce you'll need those things anyway. You must be very strong to let him leave for the "gym" knowing he's exercising elsewhere. x

Killey - You need to do this. We are all here for you. You need to confront him without letting on what you know. Then sock it to him if he denies.

I found a glass of wine for you and a glass of beer for him and a clear message of you'll remember this day for the rest of your life. March the 12th(?) was the day you got found out and your life changed and marriage ended went down well. He knew that I meant business and I'm not the confrontational type!!

We're rooting for you.

We've been there.

Speak later XXX

I suppose the answer here is to ask yourself what you want to do. Do you think you are the type of person that can really get over this?

If you really and truely think that you would be able to get through this if he came clean and admitted it, but still wanted to be with you, could you truely trust him? If the answer is no, then don't look back.

I am sorry this has happened to you, but be strong and know that there are loads of us virtually holding your hand whilst you do this, whatever you decide.

hi killey - hope you ok - or as well as can be expected. if you don't want to confront him yet think about what you do want. do you want him to beg forgiveness and stay with you or do you want him to leave? i know how you feel though. when i went through hell with dh i really clung on, i think just for the continuity because the thought of all the hassle of splitting was too much.

how is everything else in your life - are there other big issues which make the thought of a split on top seem unbearable in which case is there a window coming up when it might be more bearable to ask him to leave?

what you ultimately decide is up to you but after the initial heartache things cannot be any worse if you split. at the very least you wont know someone is taking you for a ride and consequently treating you as if you are worthless which is what he is doing. there is life beyond this x

What he wants is irrelevant now. You hold the cards as you haven't been shagging someone else.

You tell him to go or you tell him you know he is cheating on you and if he wants to stay then it stops immediately. Whatever you want.

OP, you're very brave. When my exH was found out, red mist came down and I smashed up his car with a garden implement and threw everything in the house at him that I could pick up. It's a really shitty thing to have to go through and my thoughts are with you. All strength to you. I personally feel you need to decide your relationship is worth trying to save and then you will know how to proceed. I personally couldn't forgive but I have known people that can and get past this.

Ah, I get it now. Thanks!

I really feel for you OP
And while I myself would have confronted him, I do understand why you have not.
Ultimately, is there going to be a better time to confront this?
Because if this has been going on since November, is highly unlikely its going to stop.

Very clever, with switching numbers. Fab idea.

Have you thought of taking the OW number, if your not strong enough, see if a friend will ring her?
Its that, or confront his
Or of course you can ignore it all

I really do feel for you OP
Really sorry your dealing with all this

How are you today op?

Don't give him a chance to say "I want a divorce" or "I'm sorry lets work this out". Let him know that you know and then cut off all communication with him. Completely.

How are you today OP? Have been following this with growing disbelief at the extent of his deviousness. I'm not sure I could forgive such calculating lies and deception but obviously for many of us it's not just as easy as walking away or chucking them out. It's the beginning of a whole separation process which is very painful for lots of reasons.

Think about all your options here, try to get some legal advice and be very prepared when you eventually do have a conversation with him. Keep calm, he doesn't know just how much you have busted his whole operation wide open so hopefully if he tries to deny it initially this will fuel your anger and disgust at him and make you stronger.

Really really feel for you Killey. So sorry you're going through this.

Next time he goes to the "gym" go with him. Tell him your joining as want to be more active and whats the best option? Join the Gym with your DH :)

Let us know how you get on

Suggestion, tell him your thinking of doing the race for life, and want to come along to the gym with him, to increase your fitness, and see what he says?

so, what is happening here now ?

Either he's very stupid or he thinks you are. He's made a crap job of covering his tracks.

Have you confronted him yet OP? I reckon you're stronger than you think you are - your resolve to hold out as long as you have getting more evidence so you're sure proves that IMO.

Wondering what happened when you talked to him OP, if you're ok?

OP amazed that you changed the number by ow name. Genius!

How are things now?