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Relationships

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Original poster

Odd question - why DON'T you cheat on your partner?

91 replies

happiestblonde · 09/03/2011 10:58

DP claims to have not found another woman attractive since he met me - he is faithful because he feels incapable of being attracted to another woman because I captivate him sexually/mentally etc, more than just because he loves me and wouldn't wreck our rather wonderful relationship.

I love this, but I don't know if I could echo it. I am faithful to him because a)I love him and wouldn't out of respect for him b) I don't want to c) No man compares to him - that's not to say I couldn't see other men as attractive

I wanted MNer takes on this. Are you faithful out of a moral desire for honesty, because you wouldn't want to wreck your family or becasue your DP/H is the only attractive person alive to you?

OP posts:

PoledrathePissedOffFairy · 09/03/2011 11:21

Well, I can see other men are more attractive physically than DH, viewed objectively and with an eye to the 'norms' of what is considered desirable in a man. But I can also see women who are clearly more physically attractive than me etc etc. But I love my DH dearly, he is my best friend, we have a wonderful family which I would not risk for anything.

It's really just a Phwoarr moment, as someone else said. I know DH's body in a way that I have never known someone else in my life. I can see his scars and know where they came from. He looks at my pg-ravaged frame and sees a body he knows, and that carried his children. It's more than just 'conventional' (not the right word, but I can't think of one to fit better) ideas of what's attractive.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 09/03/2011 11:22

I'm faithful because I love my DH, we have years of solid friendship/shared history between us, and the risk just wouldn't be worth it. I still find other men attractive (I have eyes), but it's a superficial attraction iyswim. It doesn't compare to the deep connection I feel for DH

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 11:23

We did split up 3 years into our marriage, not because of infidelity on any side, and spent 4 months apart. Once we got back together we both realised what we nearly lost, and I am so glad we did sort it out.

siriusmew · 09/03/2011 11:26

I find other men attractive and can appreciate beauty in women too but I never have sexual thoughts about men who are not my DP.

I don't really like sex, never have. The only person I have ever "clicked" with is DP.

GlynisIsFixed · 09/03/2011 11:32

I don't cheat on my DH because I don't want or need to.

I have done in past relationships, but it was a symptom of a bigger cause.

I married this man because I really don't want to be with anyone else.

I would truly miss his friendship

Rhinestone · 09/03/2011 11:42

Because I love him, fancy the pants off him and no-one else comes close.

Plus I took my marriage vows seriously and would consider it plain wrong so even if I was ever tempted (which I don't think I ever would be), remembering my vows would stop me.

BertieBotts · 09/03/2011 12:01

With XP because he kept accusing me of cheating constantly I stayed faithful out of a stubborn desire to prove him wrong.

But now it's more about respect and just if I was ever in that situation, thinking okay, this might be fun and exciting, but is it really worth hurting my partner that much? I would hope that I would always decide it wasn't worth it. I would hate to hurt someone that much, especially someone I love. Also having a mutual trust and not wanting to break that, so being open about things and not having to hide them for fear of being accused of cheating, and therefore less likely ending up in a situation where you might cheat. Of course you would avoid these situations yourself as well, but I think in talking about it you find yourself having to avoid situations less - the situations just don't come up. This is a bit theoretical though because the relationship I'm in now is still new and the only long term relationship I've had was the one with a paranoid, controlling person.

I don't think a bad relationship is an excuse either BTW. If your relationship is that bad then end it, if there is someone else (like if you fell into a close friendship/flirtation with a friend for emotional support from an unsupportive relationship) then if they are decent they won't want you until you are single anyway.

I cheated once, in my late teens, near the beginning of a (short lived!) relationship, and that was because, in hindsight, I wasn't ready for a relationship. I went back and slept with my ex, it was a one-off, and I still loved my ex whereas I didn't love my boyfriend, it was still early days. The relationship was a rebound thing, but still, it wasn't fair on him. If that was now, I wouldn't put myself in that situation, but then I also wouldn't be in a relationship if I was still in love with someone else.

lubeybooby · 09/03/2011 12:05

I don't cheat because I'm in love with and very happy with my man, his feelings are important to me and I couldn't bear to hurt him, and I very rarely even notice other men in 'that' way and if I do it isn't really a phwoooar thing, just kid of matter of fact "oh yes he is attractive isn't he" that's it then the thought is gone.

jaffacake79 · 09/03/2011 12:16

I love him and wouldn't want to hurt him. I respect what we have too much, I love the way our relationship works and how well we know one another.
Of course we can look at other people and superficially see them as attractive, but no-one's as attractive to me as my dh is.

I try to always treat people how I wish to be treated.

newtotheplanet · 09/03/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HorseWhisperer · 09/03/2011 13:43

Ahhh, lovely thread. Reading all the contributions has really made me smile.

I wouldn't cheat on DH because I respect him, I love him and I like him. I couldn't hurt him or us. He is the only man I have ever been intimate with and after 12 years together I still fancy him, he is getting better with age. A few have tried it on - one a friend (friend no longer), but I was never tempted. From an vanity point of view I love the way he loves me, no man can compete, he adores me.

My DH, DCs and I are a wonderful team, so I could not/ would not risk that so I could just get my leg over.

JessicaDrew · 09/03/2011 13:48

happiestblonde i think you should start watching him when you are out in the car, should his eyes follow an attractive lady walking buy, then you know he is "noraml" and lokes to window shop, what he is saying is just giving you the feel good factor
ps when i catch mine looking i give him a slap round the head, we both laugh at the time!

madonnawhore · 09/03/2011 14:12

Because he's absolutely gorgeous. Since I've been with him, no other man has turned my head. I can still recognise when other men are good looking but I don't feel attracted to them IYSWIM?

Also, I have enormous respect for him. I think he's a fantastic, good, kind person and I could never do anything so shitty to him.

ShowOfHands · 09/03/2011 14:16

Because I don't cheat. In relationships, in life. I choose not to.

Grumpla · 09/03/2011 14:17

Plenty of men would probably shag me, but I can't imagine anyone apart from DH would ever love me as much as he does, or put up with my "little ways", or indeed last more than 24 hours living in the same house as me.

Since I don't subscribe to the "it just happened" school of thought, but think that most things in life are a decision you actively take, I can't imagine weighing up a shag on the one hand and my whole life in the other and choosing the shag.

thehairybabysmum · 09/03/2011 14:18

Same as madonnawhore. Ive never fancied anyone else since ive met him, even though i can appreciate when someone is good looking. Plus i cant imagine having such a laugh with anybody else, we are just on the same wavelength.

Im pretty sure he feels the same...judging by how he is around me!

We do have a mutual agreement regarding Kylie and Johhny Depp though...they dont count if ever the opportunity arose!!

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

talleyrand · 09/03/2011 14:27

almost every post so far is talking about infidelity as though it is a purely sexual, lust-based, physical thing. An urge for a momentary physical gratification that you control (or not) for the sake of longer term goals. like chocolate perhaps.

I don't think that's the case .. sometimes people just fall in love...

Magicjamas · 09/03/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinkyWinkola · 09/03/2011 14:45

I don't think I'd want to hurt dh that badly.

Sometimes I want to throttle him i.e. when he's filming the dcs being cute on his iPhone instead of helping me get them out of the door for school but I don't think I could be such a bitch to hurt him in that way.

And the mess. And the horrible effect on the dcs. And the long term unhappiness caused by lack of trust. If there's a deep problem, I'd rather split up if I was unhappy and simply not involve other people.

It's just not worth it for a few shags and heart stopping crushes. I mean, I do fancy other people. Only vaguely and not even much to think about but I'm human. I know dh does too. That's fine just as long as we don't drag other people into our drama!

newbeemummy · 09/03/2011 17:15

It started out that I would never cheat on him, because we've both been there before and know how much it hurts.

But now aside from the odd brief celeb crush - I really just don't fancy anyone but him. He found this very hard to believe when I told him this a couple of weeks ago, and it may mark me down as being sad and settled, but I love and respect him, and he still gives me butterflies when he kisses me after 10 years - what more could I want?

HecateTheCrone · 09/03/2011 17:55

I don't want to.

I think it is cowardly and disrespectful.

If I wanted to be with someone else, I would have the common decency to end my relationship first.

Hulababy · 09/03/2011 17:59

I love him.
It is a breach of trust.
I respect him.
I wouldn't want to spoil to relationship we have together.
I wouldn't want to spoil the family relationship we have togetehr with DD.
I don't feel the need to look elsewhere.
I don't have the urge or desire to look elsewhere.

I just don't want to. DH has been in my life since we were 16y and I don't feel I want or need any other man.

Hulababy · 09/03/2011 18:04

talleyrand - I don't believe that, if you are already happily in a relationship, you would "just fall in love" with another person. You can also chose not to. It's an option someone makes.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 09/03/2011 18:16

i have a low opinion of cheating as a behaviour and wouldn't want to lower myself.

cheating always spoils the relationship you are in and i wouldn't want to do that.

if i became unhappy i'd leave. i wouldn't want to muddy the waters with a third party.

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