How do you cope with people you just won't stop talking?

[neolara]

I've been wondering how others deal with people who talk non stop. I don't mean chatty people who talk a lot, but who have genuine conversations. I mean the kind of person who talks "at" you, instead of "with" you. The one who goes on and on without really seeming to notice that your eyes have glazed over. Often their non-stop talking dominates to such an extent, it is difficult for others a group situation to have conversations between themselves.

I know a few people like this, and I find them very difficult. Even if what they say is genuinely amusing and witty, I end up feeling frustrated and annoyed because it seems so one-sided. My current coping mechanism is to just let them get on with it and I fall silent. However, I think this is a pretty unproductive response. I just feel cross, they carry on blissfully unaware, the situation continues.

Now obviously I could just avoid these people, but sometimes this is not possible. Also I suspect other people have ways of communicating with "non-stop talkers" which make for more successful and interesting conversations. So that's what I'm looking for. Survival tips. So what do you do?

I clicked on this thread because I thought, "I bloody hate people who talk all the time. I'll just tell the Op to avoid them. That's how I deal with them". Only when I clicked, I realised this was a thread I started years ago. I really must take my own advice....

neolara

that is hilarious! you dolly!

good one neolara =)

Have this with my stepfather. Kind man but oh god, he talks over you. I'm getting to the stage that I just don't say anything. In his self defense he wasn't allowed to talk for 30 years so I kind of get it, but it's sooo annoying.

Once our then-5 year old looked at him in surprise as he talked over me yet again and said "don't you know it's rude to interrupt?" in wide eyed, gormless surprise. It was wonderful.

I've encountered a variation of this. I have colleague who never ever ever ever agrees with what anyone says. This not an exaggeration. They say no/reverse anyone else's contribution as a way of delivering lecture on their own point of view. While wagging their finger at you.

I've not been entirely fair, there have been (few) moments of agreement, followed immediately by an explanation to X as to why they X were right. At length.

I talk a lot but I hope in a slightly unbalanced conversation way.

MIL talks at you.
When I was in hospital she came and talked at me about herself for the full 2 hours every visiting time, every day.
I was exhausted and could not see anyone other visitors because of it.

I asked dp to tell her not to come just one day and he wouldn't.
My parents still have not forgiven me for the resultant outburst when I finally snapped.

My mums advice in this situation is just close your eyes and feign sleep till they go away.

There's this old guy who is a neighbour of one of our friends. He drops in unannounced and invites himself to dinner etc. My friends are so patient with him. I know he's quite lonely but i find him incredibly rude. People make excuses for his behaviour. Oh he's lonely...set in his ways etc.
The last time we visiting he dropped over and just hit me with the verbal diarrhoea. You know the types that start out "do you want to hear a story? Because i can tell you all about x,y,z. But if you don't want to hear it then fine i won't tell you. But anyway this is what happened with x,y,z". All the while i am politely nodding. At one point, my baby (who i was feeding dinner) began coughing and gagging. He shouts over it "are you listening? Because i am not going to bother if you're not going to listen!" I won't to say GOOD! Don't bother!! But instead i did the whole "hmm, yeah, sorry, just err.. One sec..." I wish people would have a bit more social etiquette.

I stand by what I say, aurynne, but perhaps you misunderstand it. Your comment is also needlessly rude.

I see talking in social situations as conversational bait: giving people something to grab onto, and respond to, so that they can respond, elaborate, take the conversation in their own direction...

We all have different social skills. Some people do stay in mute silence until someone gives them something to talk about. Those are the people who walk out of parties early because nobody has engaged them in conversation, and they have a hard time initiating conversations themselves.

Now hogging the floor is a different matter, yes.

But I was pointing out that talkers do perform a useful social function, in filling a void, and providing threads of topics that others can grab onto if they so choose.

.

Oh God, the suffering of having to listen to somebody go on and on and on about absolutely nothing. I know one of these. She is very sweet and I presume that it must be an anxiety thing, but God it is so boring.
I wish that her husband would have a word, but he is a bit self absorbed too.
Just see such people as little as possible.

I used to work with someone like this who would go on and on about really boring topics eg. How to fill in a form properly (with the paragraphs properly aligned), his views on the failings of our management, etc etc. The worst thing was it meant I could never get any work done. Once I missed my train home because I had my coat on and way halfway out tge door but was too polite to just turn my back on him and walk away. Eventually one day I snapped and (politely) said 'could you please stop talking' and he did. He took it quite well and it became a bit of a joke which was great as then I could tell him to shush whenever it got too much.

MIL does this all the time. And she has that way of talking in a re-enacting kind of way to make a very dull point twice as long and boring.

So, say she wants to explain that she felt poorly and needed to make an appointment at the doctor's but couldn't get one until next Tuesday, this is how that would go...

Ooh I felt awful today, so I rang the surgery.
I says to the woman "hello"
And she says "Hello"
So I says: "I need to see a doctor."
She says "You what?"
So I says "I really need to see a doctor."
So she says "Really"
And I says "Yes please."
So she goes off and looks at the computer and says: "Tuesday at 4pm"
I says "You what?"
And she says: "Tuesday at 4pm, that's the earliest i can do."
And I says "Really?"
And she says yes.

The weirdest thing is that all these non-stop talkers would probably do really well in the sort of shop job where you're required to be chatty and friendly to customers at all times and the management operate a tick-box scoring system to make sure you're saying everything you should and you leave no 'awkward' silences.

Oh god, my mum's monologues about people I don't know and don't care about...

While she's taking I sometimes visualise one of those chaos patterns - theory here you know, the way they spread and grow in a manic way, with branches growing off branches...
"Well, I was talking to Maud about the lawn, you know, Maud, the one who goes to the Mimsy Ladies' lunches? Such good value those lunches. £7.50 for three courses, though the prawns were really tiny and a bit watery last time I had a starter. I don't know why you'd have watery prawns. I bought some lovely prawns from Lidl the other day. Gorgeous they were. Shame it's so hard to park near Lidl. Mind you if I had a car like Betty's... Did I tell you about Betty's nephew? Terrible shame about his foot..."

mini

I didn't know your mum was my MIL!

not even just the monologues. but she repeats them many times.

I sometimes tell her "yes, you told me this before"
a few weeks ago she actually heard me say it and replied "well i have to repeat it because I'm never sure if you are listening"
aaaarrrrrgggh!!!
I replied "well I always hear it the first time but if it doesn't conern me than it's already more than I needed to know"
yes, bit rude. sod it. i have no energy for that crap

Kindly

glad you are free of the Drone

but a little bit great writing style

I used to work with someone like this who would go on and on about really boring topics eg. How to fill in a form properly (with the paragraphs properly aligned), his views on the failings of our management, etc etc. The worst thing was it meant I could never get any work done. Once I missed my train home because I had my coat on and way halfway out tge door but was too polite to just turn my back on him and walk away. Eventually one day I snapped and (politely) said 'could you please stop talking' and he did. He took it quite well and it became a bit of a joke which was great as then I could tell him to shush whenever it got too much.

You know, the fact he talked in that way about those subjects, and then took it so gamely and reasonably when you told him to stop, does make me wonder if he might not be on the autistic spectrum. The cheerful willingness to accept direct bluntness, the talking about subjects others find dull in a monologue... he may have been boring but sweet, of course, but in my experience non ASD bores are rather self-involved and easily offended. So I wonder? My family members with ASD like it when you tell them to stop talking, because they don't realise the other person isn't interested with subtle non-verbal cues.

KindlyElephants - YES!

My aforementioned friend has that effect on me when she's at her worst. I've actually felt tearful with frustration.

My next door neighbours daughter is like that OP - she talks and talks non stop (she about 33). One day I clocked her talking in the garden for over 6 hours and her mother was reduced to just hmming and hahing.

I just play Chas and Dave's 'Rabbit' full volume so she can hear it - she still hasn't twigged (too busy listening to her own voice I suspect).

I am a bit of a talker, but I do think there's nothing wrong with being chatty but everyone has their own level of talkativeness and you have to fit in with that. Obviously the people who just rant on for ages letting no-one else get a word in are awful. But then there are people who like to chat and people who only really want interesting relevant details. I think I sometimes talk a bit too much for these types of people. The kind who say that nobody should tell stories about their children. But I am improving and hope not to be one of the MiL mentioned on here.

You may have a point, sleep

"Also, from the pov of a talker, I feel a good response from others would be to interrupt and talk back at length. I had a friend to stay with me over half term and I was very conscious that I was doing all the talking and boring her silly. Yet when I tried to get her to talk about herself, she didn't give me much back. You need to be rude, interrupt, and be forthcoming about yourself, to shut a talker up."
I take a talker over this any day. I am not talker , but some people bores me to death with their quietness. But i am quiet myself and i bored myself but i always feel i have to force a question to end a silence awkward that makes me too uncomfortable.

I interrupt by saying " I'm sorry to have to interupt you but I have to dash, shall we catch up another day? Bye, I'll text you ( and I do) yes, bye bye" be firm but nice:)

Or " Im sorry etc but I have to finish this- can we catch up another time?"

Or "oh- wait- susan ( or anyone nearby:) loves this type of story! Susan! Come and meet chatty pants" Then say " oh, look there's tina ( or whoever) I must go and say hello - I'll be back in two unless I get caught! Haha!"

Pick up a remote control
Point it at the talker
Press mute button
Shout 'mute! mute!'
That should do it

My brother's housemates appear to deal with him by throwing empty beer cans and shouting "shut up, brah!" "Nobody cares!" and the like.

Not sure how well that would go at a posh restaurant though.