How do you cope with people you just won't stop talking?

[neolara]

I've been wondering how others deal with people who talk non stop. I don't mean chatty people who talk a lot, but who have genuine conversations. I mean the kind of person who talks "at" you, instead of "with" you. The one who goes on and on without really seeming to notice that your eyes have glazed over. Often their non-stop talking dominates to such an extent, it is difficult for others a group situation to have conversations between themselves.

I know a few people like this, and I find them very difficult. Even if what they say is genuinely amusing and witty, I end up feeling frustrated and annoyed because it seems so one-sided. My current coping mechanism is to just let them get on with it and I fall silent. However, I think this is a pretty unproductive response. I just feel cross, they carry on blissfully unaware, the situation continues.

Now obviously I could just avoid these people, but sometimes this is not possible. Also I suspect other people have ways of communicating with "non-stop talkers" which make for more successful and interesting conversations. So that's what I'm looking for. Survival tips. So what do you do?

I know a woman who does this, it is beyond rude. She calls me up, talks at me, then talks for ages to her ds while I'm waiting. I hang up. She still calls. Some people will never learn, they don't want to change.

My DP does this, particularly the round-the-houses, going off on tangents thing, and it drives me up the wall at times. I don't think there's any cure for it - even telling DP he's waffling on and we're all losing the will to live doesn't stop him, we just get 'Yes, but...' and he carries on again! I've tried walking away, he just keeps talking until I return (it's a small flat we live in!).

I have tried to join in the conversation before, but it's very apparent that he doesn't actually want me to participate, he just wants me to listen and marvel at his words of wisdom

My answer is just to nod and say yes occasionally - oh, and putting the subtitles on the telly helps, as then I can actually watch something interesting while he's waffling!

I work with someone like this and sooner or later it's going to cost him his job, I'm sure of it. He's public-facing and in a senior position in the company, but he just talks and talks.

The problem is he rambles at the clients and now they're are asking not to be put through to him, or looking like they're desperate to get away if he ever goes up to them. Awful.

The worse thing is he's incredibly indiscreet in his babbling and just says whatever comes into his head. Often, it's just a bit inappropriate.

I do this... arrgh! My good friends know just to tell me when I'm going into monologue mode so I can reign myself in. They're not mean about it - we have code words or a "look"... I prefer it this way as there's nothing more mortifying than to wake up the next day and realise that you didn't give anyone chance to talk or share their news or stories. I'm getting better but sometimes nerves get the better of me and off I go!

Sandinmyshoes - can I ask why you do it? Is there a reason?

I'm asking because i think the guy I work with is either a) lonely b) undergoing some kind of mental breakdown or c) like this and just totally unaware. If it's a) or b) then there's a chance things will change for the better for him (and us!). If c) there's no chance.

I cannot bear this. I have a morbid fear of being boring so am very very careful about how I talk and to whom and in how much detail

Sadly I was conditioned years ago to be the open vessel for other people's inconsequentiall shit so I can make a fair job of seeming polite and receiving.

It's the level of detail for fuck's sake. The arrogance. Do NOT tell me the whole film script - I will go if I'm interetsed. Do NOT assume your interest in the intricacies of public transport connections are shared by everyone you meet on the daily commute. They are not.

Do not think that all pauses should be filled. Silence is precious.

It's a serious issue. I have a few friends who zone in, offload, and depart. I hate it.

If I'm due to make a call to a regular bore I make sure to be installed in front of my laptop with a glass of wine. Both great for distancing yourself if you need to.

My FIL does this. My technique is to, after a decent interval, stop responding even minimally - like, not even a disinterested "mm" and then surreptitiously time how long it takes for him to wind up. Once I have released myself from the pressure of having to feign interest, it's easier to deal with and I can let my mind wander.

I figure it's no ruder than him. Once he talked for seventeen minutes after I stopped even making eye contact, so clearly my participation was not required.

I find sarcasm to be a great tool, and said with a smile, usually leaves them speechless. A "Wow, that was a long way to the shop for milk to find out they were out of it" works. Or excuse yourself to the washroom, and if you have to come back to their company, you'd better have a subject to talk about, like entering the room with a "So I was thinking the other day... " but here you need to keep going and be strong not to let them overtalk you. Art school taught me how to deal with obsessive and over talkers. Someone who tries to interrupt me during a discussion before I am able to get my complete thought out, gets a pointer finger in the air and I continue without a pause. My MIL is like this and when I rang her for something quick, if she uttered the words, 'let me get my wine/tea and cigarettes' I knew I was in for the long haul... me and DH have even gone so far as to put the phone down and walk away... she never once noticed.

Hi Lemon - sorry haven't been here for a few days. There are different reasons I do it - sometimes nerves and sometimes it's a total lack of awareness or a desperate need to appear witty and interesting... some days I just stick my head under the duvet and crringe recalling my "monologuing" from the night before!

I agree with the no response thing... if you don't interact or respond at all there will be a gradual awareness as the other person starts to "hear themself". It's mortifying and either results in winding up the story or (just to prepare you!) talking EVEN MORE to try to make the story more interesting to justify all this time you've taken up speaking!! Either way the awareness will creep in.

Another good tactic is when they've finally shut up to summarise back to them in one or two sentences what they've said... hits home how much they've rambled to make a relatively simple point.

Sometimes (more often in personal contexts than in work contexts) what the non-talker needs is silence, not to speak. Some of the advice on this thread (from talkers) implies that the only alternative to one person talking, is the other. It's like going to someone's house where the telly is always on, and their hospitable acknowledgement of you and your child is to reach for the remote control - you think for a moment they are going to turn it off - no, they put it on CBeebies.
If you are a talker, yes you could say "and how was your weekend?"; or you could just be quiet, because if the other person isn't talking maybe they like quiet.

Sorry to be so blunt, I don't mean to put the boot into talkers who are already acknowledging they are embarrassed about this and lord knows we all have faults.

My MIL does this and it is the cause of quite some annoyance for many of us (especially my own mum, who rarely sees her and thought it was just her she did it to!)

If you try to start a conversation with/tell my MIL something, most of the time she will talk over you and completely change the subject. It was only when my DP told me she does it to EVERYONE that I stopped taking it personally! (I see her at least 3 or 4 times a week, so you can imagine how bad it can be!)

I decided to play her at her own game one time and do the same back to her. After less than 10 minutes she huffed off home...

I'm prepared to accept that she is probably so set in her ways she doesn't realise she's doing it. When you challenge her about talking over you she says "I'm listening!" in a slightly bewildered way!

It winds me up no end as it's so bloody rude, and I can't believe NO ONE has pulled her up about it before... We have a slightly tense relationship anyway, so if I say something about it, it'll just be another thing " MMB is being unreasonable..." about.

My mother does this. It's very hard. She's incredibly dull. Quite often it's lists and delivered in that salesman style: "You've got your carrots, your broccoli, your beans, your courgettes, oh your whatever, I don't have to make a list..." YOUR? THEY'RE NOT MINE.

I did once tell her that she was doing my head in and she said 'I KNOW abut the talking, don't think [stepfather] doesn't tell me about it often enough, for goodness sake I'm not doing anyone any harm.'

I actually find it quite painful. I am quite chatty at times and I worry that I am turning into her, too. I do check with DH sometimes

It was once suggested to me that she might be a bit on the spectrum. I have no idea how true that might be. There were other things, not just the talking.

One of dd's friends mother is veeery difficult to get away from. It takes me ages and endless 'well I must be offs' but nothing works.

I went to collect dd on one occasion and eventually after about 50 fruitless attempts to go I just drove off and left the mum still talking on the pavement.

My MIL does this. She starts telling a story, and then wanders down lots of little conversational alley ways that have fuck all to do with the original story, before meandering back to the point eventually. By which time you have lost the will to live and couldn't give a flying one about what Mharaid's doctor said about her toe. I try to avoid eye contact.

I look up stuff on the internet about people who talk too much while they are yacking at me or texting me or messaging me on FB while I feel like shaking them until their head rattles. If you ever RESPOND to these people even with one sentence...it loosens an avalanche of WORDS. They can't help themselves....it is a DISEASE. The best way to deal with them is to politely say, STOP TALKING...Shut up would probably be too rude...but if the please stop talking doesn't work, turn around walk away and leave them in mid-sentence.

you can say "stop talking I have a headache"

you can go to the loo and play Hayday till they leave

you can just hang up the phone

you can say "sorry but this is not interesting enough, can we talk about something else"

you can say "will you ever shut up and listen to me?"

you can look at you watch and say "time's up my turn to talk"

or start charging them for your time like shrink would

you can always say no to people wasting your time. you must

When I was much younger I was the sucker everyone came because I wanted to please and must look like I was interested. The only thing I got in return were headaches and hours and hours of immense boredom. Constant talkers have no clue that people don't really give a flying fuck about what they are telling them.

For many years I have just become more assertive (some may even call me rude). I change the subject, tell them I need to go and do something important (like cleaning my nails), or simply interrupt them and ask them to get to the point, if any (most times they have forgotten it themselves). I have lost some potential friends like these, but honestly, I do not want or need "friends" like these. I love silence, I don't need anything breaking it if there is no good reason for it. I abhor empty talking. I like to talk for a reason, not for the (supposed) pleasure of listening for my own voice. And I want friends who share these treats with me.

Talkers give me a headache in about 2 min. Why put up with it? (unless you like it)

*everyone came to

My eight year old DD sufferd from verbal diarrhoea too, the strange thing is when there is something on her mind, you have to coax it out of her. Love her to bits and have chatted to her about it, given her a taste of her own medicine but nothing works.

Oh Lord. Just tell me to shut the hell up. Or buy me a drink. Can't talk when I'm drinking

I know 3 people like this - all women and all clearly bored and with not many chances to discuss the riveting details of their existence

NDN shares very personal, inappropriate info, totally unprompted.

Colleague - loud and unstoppable, opinionated stories about her children.

MIL - like PP I just don't answer the phone or it's 40 mins of a crushingly boring detailed monologue about her day - literally everything she's done ot thought of, shopping lists, what's for dinner, plans to decorate or fill the flowerbed, people seen on the way to the co-op, what documents have been filed today, where the cat has been, TV programmes reviewed, the roadworks in a place you've never been to, moaning about people you've never met etc.

They need no input, have no self-awareness and don't care about you or me so I avoid like the plague or just excuse myself or leave. Don't worry thinking that this rude - they don't care, they have barely noticed you and they will find another victim soon enough.

It's a shame that they don't notice they drive people away when what they crave is company.

My son is like this since the day he was born.

The best you can. I do remind him to pause for a second though.

Btw, my son have adhd (and couple other issues) and I read one signs of ADHD is talking nonstop.

Have you thought about saying something to these people op?

Have you got a strong enough relationship with theones that are important to you ( and hopefully you to them) to explain to then how you feel when they dominate the conversation and you don't feel heard sometimes? It can be done in a nice tactful way.

I don't think I am on the scale of some of the talkers that are being described on this thread however when it comes to my relationship with DP I am naturally the one that talks more.

He told me once in the way that I described above and I hadn't even realised I did it or that he felt that way. He explained that sometimes he might say something that is important to him but that I immediately dive in with something to do with my life or change the subject ( or go into loads of detail)

I was mortified actually and I now make a conscious effort to make sure that the conversations are more balanced. Because he is more quiet and less animated ( so the cues are less obvious ) I consciously listen and look for glazed over eyes or make sure I leave 'gaps' when I think he has finished saying something to see if he wants to carry on.

He now says he feels more heard and I also agree it feel like more of a balance. We now have a bit of a joke about it and I genuinely don't mind.

I say this as I was really glad (if slightly embarrassed) he said something. I agree that some people may not change even if you did say something.. But others might not even know they do it and it takes somebody pointing it out for then to become aware of it. That's why sarcasm or subtlety probably won't work.,

If it's done in the right way with someone you value it could change the dynamic of the relationship and what you get out of it for the better.

Can you think of any of these people that you could potentially do this with op?

I used to work with someone who would just walk away mid-sentence if cornered by Mr Garrulous, wouldn't even say 'oh, excuse me I have to go and do something over there

This is the best way to deal with it in my opinion - a little nod of the head and walk away, no explanation nothing. These people don't have the social skills or more importantly the self awareness to take on board any comments you may make or body language to try and join the conversation. Proximity is the body language they have to heed. Once you are gone they will just HAVE to stop.

It's not rude, the person droning on and on is the rude one.