DH want to migrate... I don't

[iknowanoldlady]

For months, maybe even years now, DH has talked about wanting to move abroad, Australia is the country he talks about most. We travelled there together a few years ago. I do love it but do not want to move so far away. Our DS (18 months) has four fantastic grandparents who adore him and who help us, and also aunts, uncles and cousins (who are around his age). DH knows I am not keen but drops a comment about it at least once every day or two. What can I do? Is this going to break up our marriage? I think I would be miserable moving so far away, but he must feel I am keeping him back from a 'better life' that he dreams of.

If it was to be a choice between you and your son, or living abroad, ask him what he would choose.

He has to respect your wishes, even though he may yearn to live abroad.

I cant say I blame him for wanting to emigrate. It is something I would love to do too. But we have my husbands mum who is on her own, not in the best of health at times, and there is no way we could even contemplate being thousands of miles away from her.

However, if you have siblings, your parents would not be abandoned as such, and they could (if finances permit) have fantastic holidays visiting you.

There is also skype which is the greatest way to keep in touch.

Ask yourself, if your parents were to tell you they planned on moving to Australia, would you stop them? If one of your siblings were to go, would you be pleased for them.

You see, I really would love to leave the UK, and want to live in the USA, but dont have the option due to family, and my husbands wishes are valid, and therefore I will stand by him on them.

If I could bundle MIL and her menagerie of pets, and our dog into a ship and set sail, believe me, I would.

If you dont sort this out it will be the end of the relationship.

I am sorry to say I am not exaggerating either. The visa process is long, stressful and puts an enormous strain on your both, and that's BEFORE the move. I have seen several relationships fail because of something like this.

Mine didnt fail because of this reason but because of the stress of the validation date and the actions he made afterwards.

If you both are not 100% certain on this it's not going to work. It's a long way away and can be lonely once you get there - especially if you are close to your family.

It's a great oppertunity but if you have any doubt, it's not worth it.

ExP, still says now how much better life is over there and still tries to convince me to go over.

If you can make a life there, you can make a life here.

There is a very common saying amongst expats - Same shit, Shinier bucket.

If you are not happy about going, then dont. A holiday is one thing, living out there is entirely different as you know.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but please make this decision with your head straight and not full of "what could happens".

Completely agree with moles! It must be something you both really want.

I'm one-half of an international couple, an immigrant myself, it can be very hard at times even years after you've moved even when you wanted it.

The other thing is that your child/children will consider themselves Aussie or what have you and, even though later on you may be able to move back, they may not wish to go.

Agree with Expatinscotland.

Thinking forward if you DO move but you split - you have no safety net there and to make things worse...

You would not be able to take the kids with you back to the UK without HIS permission until they are 18, which means you will stuck in a country you dont like, in a situation you hate and resent and this WILL lead to depression making an already difficult time 10 times worse.

It's an hell of a thing to go through in the best of years but a downright NIGHTMARE in the worst.

I'm not trying to put you off the idea, but making sure you know the facts of what could happen in a worst case senario.

Exactly, mole.

I know a woman who stuck out nearly 16 years here (she's from NZ) after her relationship with her British partner broke down following their son's birth.

Now she'd come here voluntarily, years before she met her partner, but she was effectively stuck here until he was 18.

The other thing I've seen happen is a spouse emigrating on a visa that makes them effectively a dependent of their husband/wife, then the relationship breaks down and it truly a nightmare scenario if there are children involved.

Yep Expat.

That was the visa I started on before common sense took hold and woke me up.

The spouse visa has two parts - one where it is temporary for 2 years, then get's changed to permanant, where if the relationship breaks down you are not reliant on him, BUT you can not take the kids out of the country.

(because I was already granted a perm visa it would have gone straight to the second stage but didnt want to be tied to a country just because of HIM and he WOULD have kept me there out of spite.)

If the relationship breaks down before the two years change over, you could be deported but the kids will have to stay, unless HE gives them permission to leave.

Back in the day, when I came here, that temporary visa was only one year . It was free to get, too! And you could naturalise with no test or ceremony.

But I saw and still see people getting into serious problems because of situations like this, because as you pointed out, permanent intercontinental moves are hard.

I would certainly not emmigrate if I wasnt 100% for it. Speak to him it may be a pipe dream, I have a American friend who with her partner moved back to America they had great jobs lovely house but he was never happy there they came back struggled for money, jobs she resented him for making her leave a good life and they split up.

It may just be a pipe dream, escapisim (sorry spelling) I know I often dream of emigrating and talk about all the good bits about it but in reality I am not sure I would want to go.

lol.

The visas now are about £5000 if you go with an agent, and you have to wait 4 years before you can become a citizen.

Like you I see this all the time now, on both sides of the scale. It's heartbreaking to watch them go through it.

mole!

4 years?! Yikes. Was three when I got it.

This may sound really silly but have you thought about applying or at least watching that programm on BBC "Wanted down under".

I'm not making light of this as obviously, agreeing with Moles, this is make or break. But on the show it does show the pitfalls of moving so far and can lay it on the line as to how hard it is to meet people / find work / settle in generally.

Me and Dh walked about this in the past but now we have DS, we already live 2 hours up the motorway from both sets of grandparents and know how hard it is with them not being able to see our DS every week and see him grow and change. We have Skype but although it does help, its not really the same.

4 now.

2 if you are in the forces or a copper. I think that changed 3/4 years ago.

Alli, I can see why you suggested that but.

Anyone who has made the move will tell you that programe is a load of shit. The wages are exagerated by a huge amount, they dont tell you that you have to start from the bottom (no matter how long you have worked in that job before) and in most cases, they wont even set you on without Aus qualifications and experience. It this that is the biggest thing that a lot of my "migration friends" are complaining about. No job, no refernces, no house, saving dwindling etc.

I'm still on an expat site where one of the people who were on the programme joined. They said it was editied to hell and put a nice spin on everything, anything they didnt like or wasnt sure about was left out of the programme.

It doesnt really show you the crap you have to really deal with. Notice how everyone says how nice it is since they moved there? How they regret not moving sooner - of course they miss thier families, who wouldnt? but it is a very one sided show on the whole. Any expat site will tell you this as will the poster themselves.

I know I am sounding like a know it all - and I agree with you, however. I spent the last 5 years looking into and applying for a move to Australia and it's a subject very close to home at the moment. I spent 3 years researching the state of Queensland alone, the prices, the cost of living, the restrictions you have on certain visas, the plants, the wildlife, house selling, renting and buying, debts both in the UK and in Aus, the areas, the shippers, the insurances, the healthcare, the schools, the phone lines, contracts, jobs, employment contracts - you name it I've researched it..twice over.

Sorry if it sounds as though I am pooing all over your post, I dont mean to, and I do know that people do not tend to believe everything they see on the TV, it's a programme that infuriates me as it is only JUST accurate and really shouldnt be shown as a migration programe. It's entertainment only.

How are you Ipom? Did you sort your PC issues?

You know, having been here almost 5yrs, I think I can say that there is no 'better life'.

You get taxed for everything...and I mean everything. Dh bought a new car & there were 3 different types of tax on it.

Car reg here (SA) is fairly low, until they add the compulsory 3rd party ins & tax. Almost $200 for 3mths.

Food is getting expensive. Clothes are expensive. There are no good quality cheap clothes. They all fall apart/lose shape after a few months. My youngest dd is wearing clothes from Asda & Tesco that her sister wore (5yr age diff) but the clothes dd1 has here, are thrown after a couple of seasons.

Australia doesn't import fruit/veg, so you get times where bananas are $9 a kilo (because of QLD floods) when they usually don't go above $2!

Ye, it is warmer, but just as you can't go out in the rain in the UK, you can't go out in 38+ either. At least if it is cold in the UK you can wrap up warm. You can't escape the heat here, unless you stay home in the air con.

I don't mean to pull it down, but a move here is something that needs complete commitment. And losing the illusion that it is somehow a better life. It isn't, not really!

Just this week I have realised how much I miss my dad, really miss him. I was crying about it, for the first time in 5yrs! But I can't just hop on a plane to see him (can't afford it), and as he gets older, I worry that I might miss the last years of his life. It is really hard for me at the moment.

Yes thanks Little miss.

All sorted although he has left with another set of problems I'll talk about another time.

Thanks for your thoughts folks... a lot to take in. Was interested to read about your views on the telly programmes Mole, haven't seen the BBC one but we watch 'Phil Down Under' and DH points out to me how much better we would be off in Oz, with a better teaching salary for me and the news the other week that the Aussie government pay 50% of child care costs.

I know that a lot of this is due to DH really not liking his job at the moment, but if that doesn't change then the dream will not go away.

We have spoken about it a little and I bought some time by saying that if we are lucky enough to have another baby (which we would hope to do in the next year or two) then I would certainly want to be here at home with family support for that...

It's just on my mind a lot. I hate him being unhappy, but my heart would not be in a move at all.

God you have to watch 'wanted down under'. It will give you lots of info.

I think if I was in your situation I would try to have a sabbatical/extended break and spend a few months in the country I or my partner wanted to live in. So at least you'd get a spell there, have lots of fun and then come back to your relatives at the end of it. You just have to be able to afford to do that!

Aussie government pay 50% of child care costs

Only if you are eligible. This depends on joint salary coming in.

And salaries here aren't that much better, tbh! And tend to be lower than the UK in comparison.