Help please

[RueDay]

Hello,

First post on here but have been lurking for some time.

I have just finished with someone who I loved but wasn't making me happy. I am half glad but half wishing a period of time might help us both and we reconcile, unsure.

Friends said he was a Narc, I don't think he was, maybe had a few elements.

For all the time we were together I was constantly on edge, not sure why, he would never make plans in advance but would text usually early evening and say lets go out and be irritated with me if I had already made plans and then ignore my suggestions of other days when we could meet. Sometimes when
I can?t meet him t short notice he used to say Fine lets just leave it shall we or I think we should be friends nothing more. But then he would calm down in a while.

He lied about something quite big over xmas and when I got angry he ignored me for a week.

Not sure now if I over reacted when I finished things, last week I had people staying from US and couldn't see him so kept last Sunday and Monday free (and told him) as they had then gone.

He was supposed to be away till Sunday himself, so I made plans on saturday. He texted Saturday afternoon and said actually I am back lets meet, I apologised and said I couldn't as thought he was away and already had plans, but suggested Sun or Mon or later in the week.

He replied and said Not sure I might be away.

I texted sunday at 6pm, he replied it would hhave been good to see you but a bit late now. Monday came and went, he went to pub no effort to see me.

At which point I gave up. I said I think we are better as friends for now, both busy etc and I find it frustrating that you refuse to make plans in advance etc.

At first he was fine, now he is being bitchy accusing me of having met someone else etc.

Sorry for stupid ramble.

Am I being a nutter? (Thats what he says)

Honestly? You are only a "nutter" if you go back to him.

I couldn't even be friends with a twat like this, tbh

His opinion is of no value

Cut him loose, pronto

I think you should run. He sounds manipulative and controlling not too mention childish and selfish. Why would you want to reconsider sounds like you have done exactly the right thing.

He sounds like hard work and not worth the effort. How long are you with him?

Thanks for answering

I sort of think its my fault, not sure why half the time.

Its been very rocky since we met and I am quite tired so will see how I feel in a months time when I am a bit more rational.

In the past I probably would have tried to go back after a row but now I am less sure.

it's not your fault.

stop making excuses for him.

he's not worth the effort.

just be happy being by yourself for a bit.

Known for 6 years, this time since last June

He has been married twice, 42, can be great company
etc but I sort of react badly alot of the time with him, which is why he calls me a nutter

This phrase: "now he is being bitchy accusing me of having met someone else etc."

coupled with the word "nutter" which you say he has used when referring to you would be enough. Add into the mix him being difficult to pin down to make plans with, PLUS trying to arrange things at the last minute/after saying he will be busy PLUS being generally moody and pissy with you when you attempt to paper over the cracks by taking all the initiative with regards to meeting up, and I would say you've had a very lucky escape.

If he really rates you, surely he'd be content to be your friend until you'd made up your mind? I mean, you can't hassle someone into being with you if they don't want to be, that's just daft. He's really got the wrong end of the stick if he thinks calling you a 'nutter' is gong to make you drop everything and run to be his girlfriend, surely?

Listen to your friends they are right - grab your self respect and run for the hills

Thanks I am starting to feel a bit better about this now.

I just decided if he liked me he would have made an effort Sun or Mon, we have been down this road before and nothing really changes, he refused to meet Valentines Day or New Years Eve etc after implying he would, NYE particurlarly upset me.

Also wanted to get me pregnant, and kept testing me to see if that was what I wanted etc.

Draining!

"Also wanted to get me pregnant,"

That is a horrible way of saying that.

His words not mine. Why so bad?.

I think I started making plans in my head which I shouldn't have and got carried away.

A bit of time will help stop me being so emotional about the whole thing I suppose.

Horrible for him to say if I understand right. It sounds more like another way to control you and something to use against you rather than really wanting children and a committed future with you.

You and any future children deserve so much better x

What therealmrsbeckham said.

Holy fucking shit, don't have anything more to do with this dickhead. Red flags everywhere - this is a man who likes to wreck women, mess with their heads and make them as vulnerable and dependent and anxious as he possibly can (the 'let's get PG' isn't becauase he wants to be a father, it's because he wants to make sure you can never forget him or be free of him and also he will be liking the idea of a PG woman being physically vulnerable) - your world is supposed to revolve around him, around pleasing him and indulging him and being frequently 'in the wrong' so he can punish you.

Honestly I don't think he's that bad, can be lovely, but as time goes by its less and less often and I have turned into a basket case according to my friends

No I'm not!!

I need to be strong this time I think, because I have turned into a bit of a paranoid loon and I am not usually, but with this I sort of think my fault or somethng I don't know, very down but know things will get better x

there really are kind nice & decent men out there

there is one out there for you

this man isn't one of them, plus he's stopping you meeting normal guys

But all men can be lovely. The worst ones usually seem the loveliest, just by comparison with their nasty behaviour!

Not saying he necessarily is one of the worst BTW. But he doesn't sound like he makes you very happy. And the behaviour you describe, FWIW, is classed as emotional abuse. He might be a narc, he might not. Either way he sounds like someone to avoid a relationship with.

Imagine if he had got you pregnant! Do you want him to be telling your kids that you are a nutter, when he sees them at weekends?

Couple of links for you:

How to recognise a Narcissist

The emotional abuse RED FLAG list

Warning signs you are dating a loser

Better version of loser article without annoying links every few words

Thank you, I have been reading MN for last month and that is what made me decide to cut ties, still hard and I do miss him, no idea why when he made me feel like crap but there you go, if I hadn't found this site I wouldn;t have realised I guess.

Still love him, but I need to love myself more if the message I keep getting x

Thanks all for answeing, it really helps

x

Just heard from him, I am lunatic, and a slapper who can give his stuff to my new boyfriends, he is fine and has plenty of options and is not heard up for a girlfriend quote.

And he is absolutely fine with us not being togther anymore, in face he thinks its a great idea as I am a bunny boiler.

Thats not normal????, don't think friends is on the cards somehow.

just retaliation since he's been rejected.

don't respond and don't contact him again. you're well rid!

Rue, don't respond to this text but if he makes contact again, either say or text or email, depending on the form of contact 'I do not want any further contact with you.' If he persists after this, particularly via email or text, keep the texts/emails and if it keeps on, particularly if the tone of the contact gets more aggressive, report him to the police for stalking and harassment.
Sorry but you have to percieve this man as an enemy. He doesn't wish you well. He wants you to be unhappy and frightened and desperate to placate him. Just cut him out of your life and if he won't go, sic the law on him.