Help please

[RueDay]

Hello,

First post on here but have been lurking for some time.

I have just finished with someone who I loved but wasn't making me happy. I am half glad but half wishing a period of time might help us both and we reconcile, unsure.

Friends said he was a Narc, I don't think he was, maybe had a few elements.

For all the time we were together I was constantly on edge, not sure why, he would never make plans in advance but would text usually early evening and say lets go out and be irritated with me if I had already made plans and then ignore my suggestions of other days when we could meet. Sometimes when
I can?t meet him t short notice he used to say Fine lets just leave it shall we or I think we should be friends nothing more. But then he would calm down in a while.

He lied about something quite big over xmas and when I got angry he ignored me for a week.

Not sure now if I over reacted when I finished things, last week I had people staying from US and couldn't see him so kept last Sunday and Monday free (and told him) as they had then gone.

He was supposed to be away till Sunday himself, so I made plans on saturday. He texted Saturday afternoon and said actually I am back lets meet, I apologised and said I couldn't as thought he was away and already had plans, but suggested Sun or Mon or later in the week.

He replied and said Not sure I might be away.

I texted sunday at 6pm, he replied it would hhave been good to see you but a bit late now. Monday came and went, he went to pub no effort to see me.

At which point I gave up. I said I think we are better as friends for now, both busy etc and I find it frustrating that you refuse to make plans in advance etc.

At first he was fine, now he is being bitchy accusing me of having met someone else etc.

Sorry for stupid ramble.

Am I being a nutter? (Thats what he says)

People like this do make you behave like a bunny boiler.

But it's them causing it.

Whether they do so knowingly, intentionally or otherwise is actually irrelevant to you.

Just run.

He will try to goad you into replying by being more and more offensive. The ultimate victory is not to engage - DO NOT respond.

(Btw I do think they do it intentionally.)

I dont think its much to do with being made to behave like a bunny boiler

or about 'ultimate victory'

Simply don't reply to him in anyway OP. Not at all. Nada. Nothing. And as Solid says keep all his texts.

Jog on, wankfestman

actually youtalking that was a v good post.

Sorry.

Rueday, he is the nutter not you. I repeat what many here have said, you are well rid of him. Just read back over what you have written yourself, that you were turning into a nervous wreck etc. He is bad for you and whatever you were getting out of this relationship, it wasn't enough.

Why pin all your hopes on this loser? You will meet someone else whose company you enjoy and who treats you with respect.

By the way, well done to you for getting out now :)

Your well rid of a strange man like him.

It does come across as him wanting you to drop everything to accommodate him and he isn't willing to meet you half way.

Thank God he 'didn't get you pregnant' imagine having him in your life forever.

Well done for getting out.

he sounds horrible :(

and he sounds like my ex.
my ex was just like this, and i was living on tenterhooks the whole time we were together.
he would make out that he was really laid back, but then would jump down my throat when i didn't make a choice that he wanted me to make.

sorry - that did not make sense at all!
for example, he would say he did not mind which lager i got him, then get really angry because he apparently hates fosters on weekends or would say he would not mind what i made for dinner, then get angry because he had wanted a certain meal and i should have known

basically the pattern evolved around me doing him favours, him not being remotely specific, him getting angry because i had got it wrong.

being unavailable at the drop of a hat was a major issue, because he had a major issue with me having some kind of a life. he wanted me to not make any plans. he would criticise all my friends, or flirt outrageously with them therefore compromising my friendships.

sorry, that was quite a long message, but it's always good to share what i have learned: that this is revolting, abusive behaviour, and that it can only end in tears. i was a nervous wreck when i was with him, and so unsure of myself for a good while afterwards.

and i am so utterly grateful i didn't fall pregnant. i would never want to bring a child into such a destructive situation. there would have been no chance of a child of ours not being horribly manipulated by him. i am so pleased to not have this toxic bastard in my life, and i really hope that in time you feel completely like this too.
please get rid! :) you deserve so much more than this juvenile poor excuse for a man!

UA.

I think my writing style takes a bit of decoding, but I've never understood why.

'Ultimate victory' was not the right phrase at all to be fair.

RueDay - I have read through your post - I too think you are much much better off without this person - you say that you think the situation is "your fault" - IT IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT - please believe this and repeat it to yourself often...
You miss his companionship (but maybe not after his last offensive text) but there will be companionship with nice men who are not abusive - focus on that and on all the things you want to do with your own life - friends, hobbies, work, studies, travelling - whatever.....
I wish you all the best.

Sorry, meant I have thread through your thread.

Run away, run away.

Your friends are right, he's very narcissistic. He needs you to revolve around him like a little satellite. There is no respect for you as a human being in your own right at all.

Making you feel it's your fault even when there's no way it can be is a classic technique, you know. Like, he says he's not going to be there on Saturday so you make other plans; why was that wrong of you? Then he punishes you by not being available on a day that's convenient for you. Message is: be there for me at all times, or you will suffer.

Accusing you of seeing someone else is also a classic technique. It puts you on the defensive, so that you want to prove you aren't with anybody else. But you aren't, anyway, so why do you have to "prove" anything? Answer is, you don't.

In the end a partner like this makes you feel more and more dependent on them because your whole life revolves around what they want, what they will think about what you're doing, how to avoid upsetting them etc. You think of them far more than you would a normal nice man because they force themselves up your agenda (as it were). Thus they leave a larger gap in your life when they go. I've used the analogy of having a bad tooth extracted before. It leaves a big bleeding gap for a while, but you are far better off without it. Healthy teeth (and partners) don't hurt, therefore they don't need to be extracted.

Rue, your priends say he's a Narc and they are bang on the money. As a bloke I can tell you that 99% of blokes will think the same thing. HE is the bunny boiler.

He just wants you to run after him and indulge his insecurities. Don't respond in any way to to any more contact from him.

Thanks for all the messages, I'm not quite there
on being indifferent,but I am alot calmer this week and have arranged to see friends etc.

I don't think he will text again butI can block himon my phone, I'mnot sure now that himas a friend even in a month or so is a good plan from what I am reading.

In the past when I have had enough he has always waited a while and then come back, once a year usually.

You are all right though, I'm not usually a bunny boiler but he brings out worst in me and makes me very insecure and jumpy.

xx

Rue: What you have to understand is that he makes you insecure and jumpy on purpose. He wants you insecure and jumpy. That's what I mean by percieving this man as an enemy, not a friend or a lover. What's lovable or friendly about someone who is deliberately making you unhappy?

He has come back, says he loves me but a few thigs happened this week, either I am over reacting or he is a twat

He's a twat. He sounds just like my ex. This type of man all seem to follow the same pattern, it's like they have a secret handbook they all read.

Thats funny actually!

He told me he loved me and then had a party and didn't invite me, and wondered why I was hurt when I saw a load of pictures posted on his f/b wall

Think I have seen the light

Rue: are you very young? If not, what happened to you to make you think that a shitbag like this 'loves' you|
Please get a grip on yourself and tell this man to fuck right off, that you never want to see him again, and if he contacts you again you will inform the police.
Or he will make your life hell. He will wreck your confidence and mental health and quite probably there will be physical abuse at some point in the future because his behaviour is TEXTBOOK ABUSIVE. Don't walk blindly into this trap.

Not notyoung just stupid inthis instance.

Have told him to go away and not contact me, and have blocked him everywhere

He has asked if we can stay friends, I said No.

Well done! Now put him out of your mind and concentrate on all the good things and nice people you have around you.
It's possible this man may continue to pester you and if he does, think seriously about reporting him. Because woman-hating bullies like this sometimes give up when they sniff easier prey elsewhere, but unfortunately they sometimes see a woman who is smart enough to reject them as a challenge and become obsessed with 'conquering' her. The fact that he's already done the swinging from nastiness to 'But I Wuv Yoooooooo' wailing once shows he thinks it's a pattern that will work. But it doesn;t work on a smart woman who's been forewarned and forearmed.
Best of luck.

You won't be the only woman that he is trying to string along, trying to manipulate and turn into a basket case in order to make himself feel powerful. There will be others out there, I'll wager, that he pings off to when you fail to totally submit yourself to his pathetic machinations.

he keeps coming back because he hopes that you will be weaker this time and more likely to be his puppet.

The pregnancy thing is a total trap - if he got you pregnant he wouldn't even have to bother with these games as he would expect you would be totally vulnerable and at his mercy.

your friends are right. Keep listening to them.

Are you with my exP?

I remember the disappointment of him saying he'd see me on Christmas/NYE/my birthday and then him never showing up or choosing to be with his friends instead. Trust me, you are so much better than him. You deserve someone who dotes on you and trust me, men like that do exist.

All the best.

Thanks,just had another message..

I am a lovely girl who deserves to be treated well,he is more than happy to
be friends with me now

Is this part of the handbook too or genuine?

Haven't replied as confused

Tell him to piss of. He sounds like my ex too, they really do all follow the same patterns.

Part of the handbook, Rue. Ignore ignore ignore. This man, quite fundamentally means you no good. I quite expect that within a maximum of 48 hours there will be a hostile message about how 'stuck up/frigid/bitchy/fickle' you are.
He thinks he's very clever and that his constant seesawing from nice to nasty back to nice will eventually suck you back into the game he's playing. But once you have seen through this sort of behaviour, it stops working.
If you get a bombardment of nasty messages, save them, and then it's time to send one reply along the lines of 'Do not contact me again. Any further communications from you will be reported to the police.'
He may go away, but if he doesn't, be prepared to hit hard with legal backup. He's not a nice or reasonable person, and the only way to deal with unreasonable nasty people is firmly and from a distance.

Agree with the consensus. He is dangerous, at a minimum, to your mental health. There are worse things than being alone, and he is one of them.

My impression of not making plans is because he has loads of plans with other women and wants you on stand by incase they are not available or don't satisy enough. He is just blatantly using you.

Please do not be tricked by his 'nice-nice' tactic. It is an old manipulative strategy: just a little bit (no one could possibly reject this teeny tiny amount that is asked-just friends), then a little bit more (how could one say 'no'-perhaps it has been done before and it is awkward to say 'no' now when you've said 'yes' before...) on to stage three: the request is bigger, but combined with stages 1&2 there is momentum (sad, sad, sad, there really isn't anyone else who could do it as well as you)...see what I mean? Just say no from the start. No. You do not need to explain. Well, there is the old standby: Your schedule is full. No discussion.

Do you understand the concept of 'lip service'? That is all the nice stuff is, isn't it? Just from what you have posted in this thread, it can not possibly be sincere.

Consider reading up on manipulation.
"Who's Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life" may not be a waste of your time to read.

I think part of the script is to be Prince Charming and offer the brainwashed 'Happily Ever After' package...could that be what you are in love with, rather than himself?

You've been on again/off again with him for six years? I'd say that you have enough information about him to make the final decision with metaphysical certitude and arrive very quickly at complete indifference to his existence for ever more. Don't waste one more minute of brain space or soul space or heart space on him-except to exterminate him from your life of course.

Sorry to sound so preachy. I was lucky to make my escape and avoid marriage/dc from such an abuser when I was in school.

Good luck. Stay strong and focused. You are getting alot of good information from SGB and others-clarity and vocabulary that can validate your frustrated feelings.