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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Right to be disappointed with my parents?

70 replies

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 11:53

Please can you help me to work out whether this is just pregnancy hormones, or am I justified in being sad and disappointed with my parents?

I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. DC1 is 6.5. I anm divorced from her father (he showed little interest in DC1 and the relationship became violent at the end). DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. He adores DC1 and is more supportive and hands-on than any other father that I know.

My DP and my parents dont get on. DP is protective of me, and is angry at them for the fact that they still speak fondly of ex-DH, and say how much they liked him, as they like to take as they find and he was always nice to them. My DP told them that he thought they behaviour was selfish and unsupportive of me.

My parents have taken no interest in my pregnancy. I am house bound with SPD. I am in a wheelchair and cant go out on my own. They live 200 miles away, but visit my brother and SIL who live close by. Whilst I see them when they visit, they wont come to my house, and dont want to see my DP. They havent asked if I need anything, or offered to take me out. They havent offered to get anything for the baby (they bought my DNs travel system). They are often 'too busy' to telephone me for a week. We used to have a close relationship and spoke every day. This is all because they dont like my DP.

I feel so lonely without them, and so sad that our relationship has got so bad.

They want my DP to apologise to them for criticising them. My DP wont. Am I right to be disappointed in them. What can I do to recitify things?

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading!

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 04/03/2011 11:57

Have your parents and your DP had a big shouting match or is this Chinese whispers with you in the middle. I doubt anything will change whilst your DP and your parents are all being pig-headed. There are children involved in this and from your brief post it seems like the adults need to bear that in mind, draw a line and move on.

Underachieving · 04/03/2011 11:59

Yes you're perfectly within your rights to feel disappointed in them. Sadly there isn't a lot you can do, you can't make them side with you. That's not meant to sound as harsh as it does, I mean it more in a step back and accept you can't change them for your own good kind of a way. Not a don't criticise them kind of a way.

Pancakeflipper · 04/03/2011 11:59

Sorry I meant to say I think you can speak to each person involved in a calm manner says how this upsets you and there are kids to think of. and could they accept it's not been a good start but can they not move forward.

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:05

i think you should be disappointed in your DP aswell. he has an opportunity to make amends and he wont, he is part of the problem. also, it isn't up to you or your partner whether your parents still liek your EXp. that is up to them. you DP has no right to be angry at them for still talking about someone who is/was part of their lives. my EXP and my dad now have a relationship that is separate from the one he had with me. they have common interests and will contact each other about things from tiem to time. it is no skin off my nose. i mightn't always think the best of EXP but my dad is not my posession and is entitled to maintain a relationship with anyone he sees fit to.

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 12:10

Thank you! It is a tricky situation. My parents and DP got on well to start with. We went on holidays together. They wanted to move closer to us (they are 3/4 hours away). We moved 2 counties away to be nearer to my brother and SIL, so that my mum and dad could move near us all. My DP and I got a large house, so that mum and dad could move in for a year to suss out areas etc and decide where they wanted to buy a house. The plan backfired. My parents never went out. They never looked around villages. My mum just said she found the house depressing as it was isolated (we have 4 acres and are surrounded by orchards). We sat down with them lots of times to talk about the difficulties. In the end my DP expoded and told them to move out. I have told them how sad I feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 12:11

BooyFuckingHoo I can see what you are saying - but I cant imagine having a relationship with somebody who was violent to my DD.

OP posts:

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:16

no, neither can i but you have no say over who they are friends with. MY exp was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. it is up to my parents if they cut him out of their life or not. if i am honest i am glad they didn't, it makes it so much easier that EXP can be civil to my family when collecting the dcs. it takes less energy to get on with people than it does to hate them. I'd rather they and I focused my energy on raising my children than holding grudges when they wont change what happened.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/03/2011 12:17

I am sorry you are caught in the middle. Your dp does not sound very nice.

He cannot control who other people like, he does not have a right to be angry with your parents that they still like somebody who has been nice to them.
He on the other hand, does not seem to be very nice to them, so they do have a point. I am not surprised they are not visiting and have no interest in you and your pregnancy.

I am sure they are deeply upset that you have let your dp treat them like this, and kick them out when they went to the effort of moving so far to be close to you.

Moving to a new area and try to find where you like to live, is not that easy. Did anybody take them for viewings? Or did you just expect them to do this themselves.

Pancakeflipper · 04/03/2011 12:17

So your DP won't apologise?

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 12:19

My exDH lives in Australia and sees DC1 twice a year. He telephones once a fortnight. He isnt involved. It isnt like they have anything to do with each other, they just bring his name up in a "do you remember when we went xxx and did xxx and exDH was so funny wnen he said xxx" kind of way.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 04/03/2011 12:21

Well, so what? They have fond memories. Does your dp want to erase the past? He is involved with a woman who has been married, it goes with the territory. He should accept this. The two of you know that the marriage was not good, he could still be a good son in law to them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2011 12:22

I am wondering why your parents continue to speak so fondly of your ex H. Presumably he was actually similar to them in nature?.

Why did your parents too want to move closer to you in the first place, was it actually to keep a close eye on you?. It was not your man's fault that their plan backfired either, he should not need to apologise and it is not within your power to do this either.

The two of you now need to put on a united front with regards to your parents; if they don't like him then that means that they are distrusting your judgment as well. Think your parents are being very precious and unreasonable here. Do they always want their own way?.

Longer term as well, how are they going to act when your second child is born?. Again boundaries need to be put in place here by both of you.

BranchingOut · 04/03/2011 12:23

I think the real problem here is rooted in what went on when they were told to leave by your DP.

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:25

i still have a photo of my EXp in my living room and i don't censor any memories i have of him, nor do my dcs or my children. he was a part of our lives, he has a place in our memories. the fact that he is no longer my partner does not mean he no longer exists, it does not mean it is wrong to think about him in the same way i think about the times i had with friends i no longer see. he is not a taboo subject and i have no right to make anyone feel guilty for thinking or talking about him.

Pancakeflipper · 04/03/2011 12:25

I could be way of beam but it sounds like your DP is a little jealous of your previous life, he just wants to erase it. But he's got your parents who refer to it and he's not comfy with it.

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:26

nor do my dcs or my parents

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:27

Umm - you had a violent ex, of whom your parents still speak fondly.

There's your answer right there. YOu are absolutely right to be disappointed in your parents - they still think it's worth caring about someone who physically abused you, their actual daughter.

Stuff 'em. Preferably with marrows.

waterrat · 04/03/2011 12:28

I think there are two issues here. Firstly is why your parents are supportive of your abusive ex partner. That is worrying - in that it suggests they condone his behaviour and you have never recieved enough support from them regarding that.

Presumably one of the reasons you ended up in an abusive relationship is because of patterns in your own childhood - have you had counselling to look at this?

But - the second issue is whether or not your DP is now making things more difficult than they need to be. If your parents are unsupportive and condoned the abuse, then I completely get why your partner now is angry with them.

But - if he is making life hard for you then he is not helping you. You have a history of being controlled by men I presume? Make sure this isn't happening again now.

If your partner is really a caring man, perhaps you need to sit down and say, look I know they are not great people but they are my parents and I want to get on with them, can you just help me in this.

Don't let any of these people bully you - but in the long run, if your parents are toxic, you might just have to accept they are not great parents and move forward without them in your life.

If they were good people your partner would not be putting them off visiting, they would come anyway.

Its hard to know from your post whether your partner is right in protecting you from them or not - what do you think?

Ormirian · 04/03/2011 12:30

Why shouldn't they speak about your ex? What has it got to do with your DP what they think or say?

Tell him to say sorry and get it over with. I'd be more disappointed in him TBH. If he loved you he's want to build bridges since the situation is making you unhappy

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:32

i agree orm.

speaking fondly of someone is very different to being supportive of them and caring about them thumb and waterrat.

whether they do or dont speak to him will not change the fact that he abused their DD. but it will make their own heads a nicer place to be if tehy aren't taking up space hating someone.

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:34

Sorry, just noticed that your ex was violent to your DD - was that as well as you, or was it just her that copped it?

So your parents still speak fondly of a man who hit his small daughter? Lovely!

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:35

Or did I misread your post on that - are you putting yourself in yoru parents place there?

newnamethistime · 04/03/2011 12:35

I don't understand why some posters are saying your present-dp is in the wrong here??

Your ex was violent towards you, your parents still socialise with him, your dp tells you truthfully your parents are being unsupportive - he's dead right as far as I can see.

There is no way he should apologise to your parents.

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 12:35

Perhaps I have phrased a lot of this badly (blame the raging pregnancy hormones!) DP doesnt mind who they like. He gets upset when they say 'take as you find' and 'I know he hospitalised you, but he was always nice to us'. We moved for them rather than them for us. They rented their house out. When things came to a head, they just moved back into their house. Nobody took them for viewings. They were just going to drive around the villages whilstw e were at work, and find some nice ones, so thatwe could all look together at the weekends.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:36

Sod that, booy - expunging him from their headspace would make their heads a nicer place to be, rather than implicitly condoning his behaviour by remembering him with fondness.

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