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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Right to be disappointed with my parents?

70 replies

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 11:53

Please can you help me to work out whether this is just pregnancy hormones, or am I justified in being sad and disappointed with my parents?

I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. DC1 is 6.5. I anm divorced from her father (he showed little interest in DC1 and the relationship became violent at the end). DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. He adores DC1 and is more supportive and hands-on than any other father that I know.

My DP and my parents dont get on. DP is protective of me, and is angry at them for the fact that they still speak fondly of ex-DH, and say how much they liked him, as they like to take as they find and he was always nice to them. My DP told them that he thought they behaviour was selfish and unsupportive of me.

My parents have taken no interest in my pregnancy. I am house bound with SPD. I am in a wheelchair and cant go out on my own. They live 200 miles away, but visit my brother and SIL who live close by. Whilst I see them when they visit, they wont come to my house, and dont want to see my DP. They havent asked if I need anything, or offered to take me out. They havent offered to get anything for the baby (they bought my DNs travel system). They are often 'too busy' to telephone me for a week. We used to have a close relationship and spoke every day. This is all because they dont like my DP.

I feel so lonely without them, and so sad that our relationship has got so bad.

They want my DP to apologise to them for criticising them. My DP wont. Am I right to be disappointed in them. What can I do to recitify things?

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading!

OP posts:

newnamethistime · 04/03/2011 12:36

Your parents sound awful - sorry.

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:38

"your parents still socialise with him,"

er, talk about reading between the lines!!

tehy dont socialise with him. he lives in australia!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2011 12:40

If your parents and new man got on well to start with, what was the catalyst/s for their relationship breakdown?. I would think about this at some length.

There could well be a number of reasons; the fact that he told them to leave was perhaps just a small part of it. Your parents still speak fondly of your ex H, why do you think this is?.

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 12:40

thumbwitch I was putting myself in my parents place - he was never violent to her. Although he was violent infront of her. I left him when she was 3.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:42

Don't blame you, Narcolepsy - he hospitalised you!

Tell me, how does it feel to know that this has no effect on how your parents feel about him? surely more than just "disappointed"?

Pancakeflipper · 04/03/2011 12:42

So you were close once and did you like your parents? Did you think you had a happy relationship with your parents or have issues been there for ages and DP has just 'unveiled' them?

newnamethistime · 04/03/2011 12:43

Sorry, I missed the post about australia, I was thinking of the OP mentioning having common interests or something (must go back and re-read).

I still stand by my opinions though.

Present DP appears to be extremely supportive (and understanding of violence that OP and her dc suffered), parents are ignoring that OP was put in hospital by ex.

DP is right. Parents not supportive and are instead insensitive and hurtful to their daughter.

BooyFuckingHoo · 04/03/2011 12:47

no that was me. my dad and EXP share common interests and get on very well. tehy still contact each other over different things.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2011 12:48

Re your comments:-

"He gets upset when they say 'take as you find'"

I would wonder why they are saying such things to begin with. That to me sounds loaded with condition on your parents part.

How do they get along with your siblings btw?.

"and 'I know he hospitalised you, but he was always nice to us'".

So that to your parents makes it alright then!!. Also their attitude smacks of denial along with ignoring what this man did to you, their daughter, and your DD.

"We moved for them rather than them for us".
Why exactly?. Was it somehow expected of you to do so or were you trying to keep them happy?.

"They rented their house out. When things came to a head, they just moved back into their house".

At least they had a house to move back into.

"Nobody took them for viewings. They were just going to drive around the villages whilstw e were at work, and find some nice ones, so thatwe could all look together at the weekends".

Sounds like they wanted someone else to do the legwork for them, no wonder their plan which was both ill thought out and ill conceived to begin with backfired.

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 12:49

My mu and my exDH are similar in nature (over bearing at the best of times). I believe that my mum's heart in in the right place, she just has difficulty in empathising and listening. She doesnt deal with emotions at all. My mum is controlling. My dad is a nice person. He just goes along with mum for a quiet life.

AttilaTheMeerkat I thinkt here were lots of factors to be honest. Part of it would be my DPs fault. He went from living on his own to living with me and my DD and my parents within a space of 4 months. It was done with the best will in the world, but it was stressful for everybody I think. We never had the house to ourselves. My parents are horders and messy by nature. My DP and I are not. We used to go to work, and then come home (via the supermarket) and make dinner. They acted like house guests and did very little. But we all muddled along.

Things became worse after 5 months when i had a miscarriage. I told my mum, and didnt get much of a reaction (she claims she didnt hear me). My DP went downstairs and said that he thought that I would just like a hug fgromy Mum. She said 'well why does he get away with it', pointing to my Dad. I dont think that my DP every recovered from that. It was that, and then references to my exDH that made my DP fall out with them. He felt they were being unsupportive of me.

In my mum's defence, she had a mini stroke just before this, so was perhaps not behaving normally?

OP posts:

newnamethistime · 04/03/2011 12:55

Mini-stroke may be a slight mitigating factor - but not really if you consider the 'well why does he get away with it' comment - the mind boggles.

Seriously OP - these are serious failings on your parent's part.
I would have a very very hard time forgiving them for what they have said/behaved.

Your DP sounds fairly normal - he was/is genuinely shocked that parents could treat their daughter so shabbily.

Supportive parents would be utterly horrified that their daughter had been hospitalised by their partner.
Supportive parents would give their daughter a hug if she had just had a mc.

newnamethistime · 04/03/2011 12:56

parents'

RudeEnglishLady · 04/03/2011 12:57

"when they say 'take as you find' and 'I know he hospitalised you, but he was always nice to us'".

Your parents sound stupid and horrible. I'm with your DP on this. I'd not be able to keep my mouth shut.

Its like your Mum is just being contrary to be a bitch.

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 12:58

Stop defending the indefensible, Narcolepsy!

Your DP, by the way, sounds like a good man - who is angry with yoru parents for the lack of proper care they are showing you.

He does not need to apologise - they should be apologising to you for their lack of parenting.

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 13:00

I think, Narcolepsy, that you have been conditioned to believe that your mother's behaviour is normal - it isn't. She is a cold woman. Her heart might be physioloigically in the right place but her soul isn't.
Sorry.

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 13:03

RudeEnglishLady Contrary sums her up!

I am easy going by nature. I honestly think that my parents have lots of good qualities. I adore my DP. He is the most supportive person I have ever met. I know I cant make them like each other. I realise that I wont ever feel the same about them. My life would just be so much easier if they didnt dislike each other! Selfish, I know.

I just think that things could get even worse once the baby is born. The were always so close to my DD. They are going to treat the new baby differently arent they?

OP posts:

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 13:05

thumbwitch Perhaps that's true? Psychoanalysis is sooo hard to do on yourself isnt it?!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2011 13:06

"My mu and my exDH are similar in nature (over bearing at the best of times). I believe that my mum's heart in in the right place, she just has difficulty in empathising and listening. She doesnt deal with emotions at all. My mum is controlling. My dad is a nice person. He just goes along with mum for a quiet life".

I was wondering why your parents were talking nicely about your ex and this is why. Thought one or both of your parents was similar in nature to the ex, this is why I asked.

The above to me is very telling. They have always been like this and will not change. Your mum is controlling and your Dad has acted (like many men do in dysfunctional family units) as the bystander. I would not let him off the hook as he has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. I would also add that he has completely failed and still fails I might add to protect you from the worst excess of her behaviours.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; you're still in that role you were assigned by them. They at heart do not think you are capable.

Were any ground rules established before you as a couple and them as your parents moved in all together?. It does not sound like it (ot if some discussion happened then your parents ignored it) so small wonder it did not work. With you all being very different in terms of both personalities and tidiness it was unlikely to ever work anyway.

waterrat · 04/03/2011 13:06

I agree that your parents behaviour is appalling and your husband is a good man trying to protect you.

You need to look at your own relationship with your parents - I know it must be incredibly hurtful but accept they are not nice and will never be what you want them to be.

however - if it is important to you to get along with them - and they are your only parents after all - then perhaps your partner needs to put a smile on his face now and again.

But I think the problem lies with your parents, not with him. He can probably see that you are putting up with completely unacceptable behaviour from them.

there are many people on mumsnet to talk to about toxic parenting.

waterrat · 04/03/2011 13:08

what about having some counselling for yourself? it might help you see clearly the role they are putting you on - and help you establish boundaries about how they treat you and your partner.

What is important is that you dont end up alienating your partner while trying to keep your parents happy.

Wht about a comprimise - you create some distance from them but he promises to be polite?

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 13:09

AttilaTheMeerkat I think that you raise lots of interestign and valid points for me to mull over.

There were no 'ground rules' exactly. With retrospect there ought to have been. Neither my Mum or my DP are 'easy going'. My DP is direct. If he doesnt like something he will say so.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2011 13:11

How do you yourself feel about your parents these days?.

Have they over the years made you feel fearful, obligated and guilty?. I ask this as many children, now adults of toxic parents often feel a mix of all the above.

I am glad you now have a nice partner. I think he is seeing them for what they really are like, small wonder he is feeling as he does. It can often take an "outsider" (what I mean by this is your man who is from outside your family unit from whence you came) to clearly see the familial dysfunction that was always there.

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 13:14

To be totally fair to my DP, he invited my parents down for Christmas, for me. It went a lot better than I thought it would. If my Mum was to put her arms around my DP and say "Im sorry that things didnt work out for us. Lets put it behind us and move one. We are so excited to have another grandchild coming" my DP would move on and do his best. I have put this to my Mum, but she says she wont apologise until he does. She maintains that my DP should never speak disrespectfully to my parents. She also says that he has only 'been on the scene for 3 years'. I am 37.

OP posts:

Original poster

NarcolepsyQueen · 04/03/2011 13:17

AttilaTheMeerkat I dont feel fearful or obligated. They have often made me feel that I havent done enought though. Their expenctations of me are so much higher than their expectations of anybody else.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 04/03/2011 13:19

Narco, be realistic - has your mum EVER apologised for anything, ever? Even when she's been fully and blatantly in the wrong?
She wants your DP to abase himself but even if he did, she would not apologise, not properly. If she said anything at all, it would be a conditional apology (and those don't really count) - you know, "I'm sorry I said X but it's all your fault that I did because..."

Parents are people. They are not Gods. They do not get worshipped. Nor do they get respect unless they deserve it - your parents don't, not from your DP. They expressed no sadness at the loss of his first child (yours too of course) nor any excitement at the news of your pg with his next child (again, yours too of course) - why the hell should he respect them?

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