Right to be disappointed with my parents?

[NarcolepsyQueen]

Please can you help me to work out whether this is just pregnancy hormones, or am I justified in being sad and disappointed with my parents?

I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. DC1 is 6.5. I anm divorced from her father (he showed little interest in DC1 and the relationship became violent at the end). DP and I have been together for 2.5 years. He adores DC1 and is more supportive and hands-on than any other father that I know.

My DP and my parents dont get on. DP is protective of me, and is angry at them for the fact that they still speak fondly of ex-DH, and say how much they liked him, as they like to take as they find and he was always nice to them. My DP told them that he thought they behaviour was selfish and unsupportive of me.

My parents have taken no interest in my pregnancy. I am house bound with SPD. I am in a wheelchair and cant go out on my own. They live 200 miles away, but visit my brother and SIL who live close by. Whilst I see them when they visit, they wont come to my house, and dont want to see my DP. They havent asked if I need anything, or offered to take me out. They havent offered to get anything for the baby (they bought my DNs travel system). They are often 'too busy' to telephone me for a week. We used to have a close relationship and spoke every day. This is all because they dont like my DP.

I feel so lonely without them, and so sad that our relationship has got so bad.

They want my DP to apologise to them for criticising them. My DP wont. Am I right to be disappointed in them. What can I do to recitify things?

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading!

NQ

Am glad to be of some help to you.

(Have disinterested parents and dysfunctional outlaws myself!).

I have also see the many consequences of "no ground rules" (hence my comments on that subject) with regards to family members moving in together and it more often than not ends in disaster and rancour for all concerned.

I would also consider counselling for your own self as mentioned by waterrat. BACP have a list of counsellors and won't charge the earth. There certainly needs to be firm and proper boundaries set by both of you with regards to your parents and a united front needs to be presented to them (that is vitally important as well).

You may actually want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as she writes about dysfunctional families at length.

Hi NQ,

re your comment:-

"They have often made me feel that I havent done enought though. Their expenctations of me are so much higher than their expectations of anybody else".

Why do you think that is?.

The above is a typical reaction of people who are themselves inherently dysfunctional.

They've really piled it on you haven't they and I guess too they have done this since your early childhood.

Did they treat your siblings differently?. I would bet a crisp £5 note on it they did.

thumbwitch No, she has never, ever apologised for maything in her life! Shge dismisses everything with "Oh, you know I wouldnt mean it like that!" or "You shouldn;t be so over-sensitive" etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you - I shall have a look into that book (any excuse to get a new book!)

Some of the posts at the beginning were suggesting that DP was controlling, and that they didnt blame my parents. But I think, having read through everything, that my DP is totally right. He just presented it to them in a less than ideal way.

I really dont know what to do now then. We have moved away from friends etc, so that my Mum and Dad could live near us, and my brother. my DPs parents live 3 hours away too. They say that they are excited about their first grandchild - but they dont phone or visit. We have to do that. It is going to be hard and lonely with a new born huh?!

AttilaTheMeerkat Im not sure I can think of good examples of the different expectations. She will ask if I have spoken to my brother. I will say that I have sent him a text and not heard back. She will then say that it's not the same as a phone call, and that I should know what he is like, and that I should make more of an effort to make up for the fact that he is bad at keeping in contact. having said that - I have always been the 'chosen' one. The favoured child.

There you go then, Narco - do not put your DP in a position where he will be backing down (and let's not forget, he is realistically in the right here) and then she will put the boot in by refusing to apologise, or saying something similar to what you have said above.
That would be very humiliating indeed and would make him pretty resentful and angry, possibly even with you for putting him in that position.

I am :( for you that you have left friends and a support network for these people who don't honestly care all that much about you. I would, for now, let things slide - wait until the baby is born and then see what they're like - if they have no emotional investment in your new baby, their new grandchild, or refuse to come and see him/her, then tell them where to go. He/She will still be your child and their grandchild - if they can't look past your DP and their dislike of him, then they aren't deserving of a part in your child's (or your) life.

"thumbwitch No, she has never, ever apologised for maything in her life! Shge dismisses everything with "Oh, you know I wouldnt mean it like that!" or "You shouldn;t be so over-sensitive" etc".

Hi NQ,

Your mother is working to the usual script here and downplaying it all again.

All of the above is typical toxic parent type response. They do not take responsibility for their actions and never apologise. They are more than happy though to give you a laundry list of your own supposed shortcomings.

Do order the book I spoke of when you can.

NQ the best you can do re your parents is to make your own family unit a healthy functioning and happy one. You can do this. You don't have to feel obligated to phone or visit them if they themselves are not bothered.

Good luck too with the birth of your second child:).

Thank you for all your support and advice! I have just spoken with my Mum who is angry with me as I havent invited them to my DDs school Easter service. She thinks that she should go instead of my DP. That she was there for all of my DDs 'firsts' and why should she miss out now just because of DP?!

"She will ask if I have spoken to my brother. I will say that I have sent him a text and not heard back. She will then say that it's not the same as a phone call, and that I should know what he is like, and that I should make more of an effort to make up for the fact that he is bad at keeping in contact. having said that - I have always been the 'chosen' one. The favoured child"

Why does she want to know whether you've spoken to your brother or not?. Why is she so interested, does she like to be at the center of things the whole time and know what's going on?. Not her business frankly, you're both adults after all. It sounds to me like on this occasion your role was that of scapegoat with your brother being more excused/favoured (the golden child). She would have found fault in whatever you did/did not do.

No role within a dysfunctional family unit, be it that of scapegoat or golden child, is without price.
I am saddened your parents are like this, all you can do is be determined to follow a different path to them. Make your own family unit both a happy and healthy functioning one.

Um, perhaps because DP is parenting your DD, unlike your own mother who is an incompetent parent?

Good for you, inviting DP - if I were you, I'd work on the principle now that DP, DD and the new baby are your family - your own parents are peripherals, if that.

As a matter of interest, what are they like with your brother? and what is he like? Does he have any DC yet? How do they get treated?

Sorry, I meant "good for you inviting DP AND NOT YOUR MOTHER" - of course DP has a right to be there, he is effectively Dad to your DD, he should be there.

NQ that's ringing bells for me. My mother tried to nudge DP out of the picture when DD was first born, claiming that as she had been so supportive (financially) during the pregnancy, she deserved a greater prominence in DD's life, and a greater say in things than even DP.

I wrote her a letter, reminding her of how close I had been to my GM (her mother), and why that was. We had a very special relationship, but she was my Nan. She played a very different role to a parent. I told my mum to go away and think about the kind of GM she wanted to be. There is no room for a third parent in this picture, and your DP sounds like he's doing a good job of being a step-dad, but a GM could be a very special perrson in DD's life, if your mother chooses to take on that role with the correct attitude.

NQ

Your mother is really a piece of work isn't she?. Now she is throwing her toys out of the pram because she thinks they as a couple are more deserving than your partner in being invited to the Easter service (she can then tell her friends she sat in the front row etc). I am wondering if she is narcissistic by nature.

Limit all phone calls you make to your mother, infact don't phone her at all if she is being this unreasonable. Set your own boundaries with regards to her because otherwise she will continue to ride roughshod over you.

If you don't already have it, install caller id on your phone. If you see its your mother you can then choose not to answer.

My brother and SIL had their first child at the end of last year. My parents love their new grandchild, but arent as close or hands on as they were with my DD. My brother is very different to me. Eccentric, and dry sense of humour.

My DP is amazing with my daughter. He always refers to her as his daughter (if questioned, he will just reply that she is his daughter, he just didnt provide the raw ingredients). When he brings me floweres, he will usually bring her a asmall bunch too. He gets up at 5am so that he can do some work before she wakes and then does the school run with her (he likes to do either drop off or pick up). I have no hesitation in saying that he would die for her without a second thought.

I have put it to my Mum that I am so lucky to have met him, and shouldnt she be so relieved and pleased for me that we are so happy together, and that he is so amazing with my DD. She does concede that he is amazing with me and DD. But that she thinks he bullies her by being critical.

she thinks that he bullies her by being critical??

No, what she means is that she can't bully him because he sees through all her crap and he won't let her bully you either if he can help it - so she is experiencing a loss of control. She can't control him and there is a real possibility that she may lose control over you as well (here's hoping!) - so she's playing the martyr card - or in fact any card at all to try and get you back under the thumb.

Watch out for any "illnesses" around the Easter service - they will be fake.

ah feck, the italics aren't working properly now!!

thumbwitch I think that you are right. The last year and a half have been a real eye opener for me! I just wish she sisnt make me feel so guilty! From what you have all said, I realise that I shouldnt, but it is kind of built in

Yes, it takes a long time to overcome the conditioning, sadly. But you can do it, you know - the trick is to realise that she can't really make you feel anything - it's your (admittedly unconscious) choice to let her affect you. So - you can choose to refuse to feel guilty. Take back the power - you don't have to tell her that you have, she will notice by the fact that she has lost control.

It's hard to realise that your mum has let you down so badly, that the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally and always be there for you, isn't - and that the other person who is supposed to stand up for you and protect you and also love you unconditionally is such a moral coward that he has also let you down badly.

Your DP sees this. He probably won't say it as bluntly as we will, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you - but blunt is the best way to be because it will help you see it from an outsider's point of view, and that will open your eyes to their shocking behaviours.

You have no need to feel guilty. None at all. Any losses your mother experiences with regards to you and your family are ENTIRELY her fault - because she has set up this situation, expecting you to choose between her and your DP - and you are choosing your DP (and thank God you are!), who is the loving, supporting person that she never was.

You can beat the conditioning, you really can. :)

Having re-read the whole thread a few times, there were quite a few posters at the beginning who thought that my DP was being controlling by saying who may parents should and shouldnt like, and that they didnt blame my parents for not bothering with me or the pregnancy? Before I contemplate life changing decisions - can I just check?

NQ - they are wrong.

Seriously, think about it. You parents seem to think it's ok to think kindly of someone that put their daughter in hospital. You DP is not being controlling here. He sounds very concerned about your emotional well-being. THta is being kind and supportive.

I think you would benefit greatly from talking to someone, a counsellor of some sort, about all of this.

NQ - I believe those early posters missed the stuff about your exH being an abusive twat, and of course they didn't know that he had put you in hospital at that stage. That does rather change the dynamic of the situation, and it might be why some of them haven't returned.

So yes, as newnamethistime says - they were wrong because they didn't have all the info. The more that comes out about your parents, the more obvious it is that your DP is in the right and your parents are so very wrong.