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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a rubbish Nanny?

62 replies

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 13:53

I'm crying so hard as I write this, I've just had a row with my DD, or should I say she has just had a row with me and she has said that as from now I have no grandkids and she wants nothing to do with me.

I'm breaking my heart, I love my DD and my grandchildren so much, I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

OP posts:

flamebat · 20/10/2005 13:53

What happened?

FangAche · 20/10/2005 13:55

TBH I've said that to my Mum before (didn't really mean it). There are 2 sides to every story though.

Why don't you tell us a bit more.... if you like.

spookylucy · 20/10/2005 13:55

Oh rn, this is a terrible thing to happen and an awful threat of your dds. I dont know what happened but you might have to build bridges even if it wasnt your fault. Maybe your dd said this in anger and will calm down and not carry it through.

MeerkatsUnite · 20/10/2005 13:58

I was going to ask the self same question. What drove her to come out with all this?.

There are two sides to every story but even so your daughter should not use her children (your grandchildren) as pawns to get back at you. Everyone suffers more this way and it is to no-one's real benefit.

I hope you manage to get things sorted out.

FangAche · 20/10/2005 14:02

I said it to my Mum after she had fed my (then 2yr old) ds Peanut butter after I specifically warned her that he was high risk for developing food allergies (as I have allergies and he has excema). She said I was talking rubbish and that he ate it and is fine..... acting like she had proved me wrong. I lost the plot and told her she that it was usually the 2nd exposure that resulted in a severe reaction!

Anyway.... you see where it went. I told her to get the f*ck out my house and that I couldn't trust her to take care of my children ever again.

She told everyone that I had accused her of trying to kill ds and and then told her to f*ck off.

So..... I would say its pretty important to hear both sides of the story.... its hardly ever clear cut.

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 14:12

It?s a bit long and complicated. I met my dp when my dd was expecting her first child. I?d been single for many years and had been a single parent to her and her brother.

When dd was 13 she had a kind of mental breakdown, suffered from depression and I lost count how many times she tried to kill herself. So meeting and having a new dp at that time (when she was 13) was not an option. But when I met dp she was better and starting a family of her own so I thought ?why not? Its time I had a life?.

Dd had a hard time accepting dp, but did eventually after me being with him for nearly 5 years. The problem is dp has two children form a previous marriage and we have them every other weekend. I think she resents them being here in what she still sees as her home.

My son still lives at home and dp and I never have any time on our own, but ds is going away for the weekend so we were looking forward to spending some quality time with each other. Dd phoned earlier and asked if we could have her kids this weekend but I tried to explain that it was our first weekend on our own so it wasn?t possible.

She went mad and started saying but you can have your dp?s kids every other weekend but not mine! Why do his kids always get put first? I hope that you stay with him because the only grandkids you are going to get are step-grandkids.

I do try to help out with her kids as much as I can, when I do babysit for them overnight I usually have them from around 1pm until about 6pm the following day, I just wanted to spend some time with my dp.

Am I being a Rubbish Nanny putting myself first for once?

OP posts:

doormat · 20/10/2005 14:22

rn as a nan myself I cant blame you for wanting time alone with your dp.I think your dd is being very unfair to you.

I love spending time with my gd but i am not there just on tap unless it is an emergency of course, i fully agree you need a life too.

I think you need to get this all straightened out ie with holding a full family meeting as these resentments will just continue to breed and fester and cause even more trouble in the future IMO.

FangAche · 20/10/2005 14:26

RubbishNanny - No of course not! And your DD is bang out of order.... but TBH I can understand why she feels a bit disgruntled by the fact that your DPs kids are there every weekend. Not saying she's right at all..... just that I can understand why her nose is out of joint. Doesn't warrant that reaction from her!!! Especially since it was such short notice, she cannot expect you to just drop everything.

It'll blow over.... I have had arguments almost to this scale with my Mum a few times!!! Give it a week.

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 14:31

How do I sort this out?

My whole life has revolved around my children especially dd (because of her problems in the past)

It sometimes feels like she will only be happy if dp and I split up and I devoted my life to just her and her kids.

She was the same when I was working, she would phone me up while I was at work and ask me to just take they day off so that I could look after the kids, and she got stroppy when I refused, told me I thought more of the job than I did her.

I love her and my grandchildren dearly but my life can't just revolve around her now, she is a grown up, a parent herself. I don't understand why she is having a tantrum because I am not dropping everthing to be at her beck and call for once.

Surely I am entitled to a life?

OP posts:

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 14:33

BTW, dd is not the type you can easily reason with, I just don't know how I am going to sort this out.

OP posts:

doormat · 20/10/2005 14:35

rn let her stew in her own juice then, she will soon come around.
I totally agree with you theat you should not be at her beck and call all the time.

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 14:46

Will she calm down? I can't bear the thought of not being part of their lives.

She doesn't understand that when she was a child I had her everyday of her life until she spread her wings, became an adult and started her own family.

So why doesn't dp have the right to be part of his kids life? I do sort of understand her resentment but they are his kids, and his kids need to see their dad just as much as she needed me when she was a child.

OP posts:

doormat · 20/10/2005 14:49

rn how old are all the kids

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 14:51

FangAche, how do things usually get sorted out with your Mum?

Is it Mum that gets in touch to smooth things over?

I've got to admit that when dd started to shout and scream I told her I didn't want to argue with her about it, but she kept on, so I put the phone down, should I call her in a few days and see if she has calmed down?

OP posts:

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 14:56

Doormat, dgs is 4 yrs old and dgd is 3 months old, the baby is changing everyday and I don't want to miss out on her.

OP posts:

Bozza · 20/10/2005 14:56

Your DD is being irrational and unreasonable. Your DP has great responsibility towards his children than you have towards your grandchildren.
I can totally see why you had your plans for the weekend.

To me, it sounds as if she is jealous and insecure. I think you should give it a bit of time to blow over and then try and explain and offer to have them sometime.

Does your DD have a partner who would understand your pov?

doormat · 20/10/2005 14:57

no your ds and stepkids

FangAche · 20/10/2005 14:57

RN - In most instances I haven't thought it my responsibility to smooth things over. I can be very stubborn. My Mum is usually the one to get in touch.

I think your dd probably feels very pushed away at the moment.... like you've replaced her with the new kids. Not condoning her behaviour.... just offering an insight.

My Brothers are 16 and 13. My Mum will do anything for them and spends her whole life running about after them..... I resent the fact that she can't even have a 5minute phone call with me without implying I'm taking up her time.

I kind of know a bit of what your dd is feeling..... whether she's a grown-up or not she will still feel like she needs her Mum. And putting the phone down on her will probably make her feel quite alone..... I think you should make the first move (I don't think she will, she'll just get more and more anxious about it all).

Bozza · 20/10/2005 15:05

I suppose you could apologise for putting the phone down and take it from there.

FWIW I think you sound lovely and your daughter is very lucky. If I had suggested leaving either of mine overnight with either set of grandparents at the age of 3 months I would have been met with looks of horror.

FangAche · 20/10/2005 15:07

Bozza - Thats a good start. She probably can't think beyond the fact you put the phone down on her and haven't called back yet.

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 15:14

doormat my step kids are young teenagers my son is 19.

FangAche, I try to spend as much time as possible with dd, I do so much for her, everytime there is a slight problem its always me that has to sort it out for her. If I don't see her I phone her at least once a day and we speak for at least 20mins.

I think that some of her resentment is down to the fact that for most of her life I have been at her beck and call and have done almost everything for her. I guess its my own fault really, I have spoilt her but with the problems she had from aged 13 to 17, I think its understandable why.

DD knows that if she needs me I'm there for her, but babysitting whenever she clicks her fingers is not really on, if she had asked me last week I might have sorted something out and been able to have them.

She also knows that the step chldren can never replace her and grandchildren, I think she just resents the fact that dp has his kids every other weekend and I don't have hers every other weekend.

OP posts:

Bozza · 20/10/2005 15:17

But his are his children and hers are your grandchildren. Think she needs to realise that.

I would ring up, apologise for putting the phone down and offer to have them some other time. And good luck.

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 15:25

I don't think that dd would answer the phone to me if I called her now.

I put the phone down because when she gets like that you can't talk or reason with her. As it is she just sent a ranting text msg saying that before I met dp and she told me she was preg with dgs I would support her and do loads of babysitting, I do babysit, its just that when dp's kids are here there isn't room for me to do it. I can't put 4 kids (one in a cot) in a small box room there is just not enough room. And it wouldn't be fair to dp or his kids to say "no the are not staying this weekend because my grandchildren are staying.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes.

I might text her and try to explain things, don't quite know where to start though.

OP posts:

Bozza · 20/10/2005 15:27

Does it always have to be overnight babysitting?

Original poster

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 15:28

p.s. I already offered to have the another time, but she was to busy shouting to take any notice.

OP posts:

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