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Original poster

Am I a rubbish Nanny?

62 replies

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 13:53

I'm crying so hard as I write this, I've just had a row with my DD, or should I say she has just had a row with me and she has said that as from now I have no grandkids and she wants nothing to do with me.

I'm breaking my heart, I love my DD and my grandchildren so much, I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 27/10/2005 12:43

Not surprised you're at a loss as to what to say next, sorry but her attitude beggers belief! You have done nothing wrong here so please don't let her make you believe this is your fault

Wonder why she can't understand that you simply don't have the room (or the sanity!) to have all of them together? And presumably if she can't see why it makes a difference when she asks you to have them, she must think that you should have them whenever she asks you to regardless of what else you have planned? That is so unbelievably selfish. As for her saying you should have her children as much as the stepchildren, I would say to her that YOU don't have the stepchildren but YOUR DP has them - this may sound harsh but they don't come to see you, they come to see their Dad and so they should. I don't see how she can compare the two - your DP must, of course, have his children over to stay but you are not in any way obliged to have your grandchildren to stay. If you wish to babysit that's your choice and she should be bloody grateful that you do it at all! My Mum and Dad have 10 grandchildren and they never babysit for any of them let alone have them overnight, and I know of many other people who's parents never have their grandchildren overnight. Your dd really doesn't realise how lucky she is

Sorry, I know this doesn't really help you - just wanted to assure you that this is not your fault. At least you've had an apology, I suppose that's a start but I really do think your dd needs to count her blessings

Squirrel3 · 27/10/2005 13:00

I wish she could see things that way, I have tried to explain Step kids.

Below is a how I explained it to her in the letter.

'DSS and DSD come to see their father not me. They only get to see their Dad every other weekend and one evening during the week. When you (DD) were a child I was fortunate to be able to be there for you everyday, how could I deny the short time that they spend with their Dad when I know that they would love to see him everyday?'

I tried to explain that she asks me two days before I should not be expected to cancel arrangements that DP and I have made weeks before.

I also added that I love her, that she, DGS and DGD occupy a huge part of my heart and life and that whatever happens that will never change.

I told her that I would be more than happy to babysit, but I need more notice.

What do I do next? I'm at a loss, I lose no matter what I do, do I let her walk all over me so that I can see my grandchldren or do I put my foot down and hope that she comes around and risk not seeing her or my grandchildren?

tarantula · 27/10/2005 13:15

Sorry Squirrel was really hoping that she would come round and see your POV. Hows about you say to her that where you can you'll help out with babysitting even on short notice but that you cant garantee it as you may have other things to do.

Its a really difficult one as you want to see your grandchildren and she is not being fair holding them to ransom like this.

NotActuallyAMum · 27/10/2005 13:15

I certainly wouldn't let her walk all over me if I were you. Asking for notice when she wants you to babysit is absolutely NOT unreasonable of you - IMO you should't have had to ask! Your dd seems to think that you SHOULD babysit - she seems to think it's her right to expect you to do it. Wonder if any of her friends have unpaid babysitters/parents who drop/cancel everything at little notice? I very much doubt it! I really don't think though that she would cut off from you completely, she may threaten to but I don't think she would do it although I do appreciate of course that I don't know her. But either way I don't think you should allow her to hold you to ransom like this - if you do where will it stop? Will she keep making more and more demands of you so that you have no life of your own at all? That would be very unfair - specially when you and DP are only just starting to have some time on your own

Really don't know what to suggest - apart from telling her outright that you are in no way obliged to babysit for her at all and if you do she should be grateful instead of grumbling about timing/frequency

Prettybird · 27/10/2005 14:31

Difficut for you Squirrel3. You sound like a very loving mother and grandmother.

My opinion, FWIW, is that you should now use a bit of "tough love". Go back to her and just repeat that you are sorry she doesn't understand but that is the how things are - and you are not going to change just because she doesn't accept it. Repeat that you are still happy to babysit provided that you have more notice and that both she and her children are very precious to you.

She will probably have another tantrum - but at the end of the day, if she cuts you off, she would be cutting her nose of to spite her face. Adn she would qucikly realise that, when she is not able to take advantage of your generous babysitting.

It will be difficult in the short term, and you need to steel yourself for that, but tbh, the more you continue to bail her out or give in to her, the more she won't have to face up to her own issues and stand on her own two feet.

Squirrel3 · 27/10/2005 14:37

I think you are right Prettybird, I do need to be firm on this and hope that she comes round.

Scatterbrain · 27/10/2005 14:41

Blimey Squirrel - cannot believe your "adult" daughter is behaving like this ! You sound like a lovely Nanny - I wish my dd's grandparents were as hands on !

They have only ever babysat a few times in dd's lifetime - and then it has to be at their houses and she has to be put to bed and settled by us !

You stand your ground - she needs to see the wood for the trees and realise what an asset you are !

Prettybird · 27/10/2005 14:57

From a different perspective, and without going into details, I can see a parallel situation with a close member of the family, who, as a result of always having been bailed out and supported, is now quite stunted emotionally and very self centred. And I would say that the parents were partly responsible for always having done the bailing out, so that that person never had to face the full consequences of their actions.

I really do think "tough love" is the best approach in the long term, althugh painful in the short term.

ninah · 27/10/2005 17:28

I think your dd will realise that the benefit of having your support as a loving mum and nanny will outweigh her temptation to stay in a strop for too long. She needs you ... agree she can't hold you to ransom, I think she'll come round. Don't know her so just a guess. Thoughts and wishes are with you squirrel x

Squirrel3 · 31/10/2005 16:17

DD got in touch with me this weekend...

Because she wanted me to babysit!!!

~sigh~ (I don't know if that's a sigh of relief or one of exasperation!)

It wasn't an over night one, just for a few hours during the day!

ninah · 01/11/2005 10:17

don't think there's much chance of losing her squirrel

NotActuallyAMum · 01/11/2005 10:23

At least you've make your point that you're not going to let her walk all over you - let's hope she's got the message

It must have been a relief to hear from her, and to see your grandchildren

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