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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a rubbish Nanny?

62 replies

RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 13:53

I'm crying so hard as I write this, I've just had a row with my DD, or should I say she has just had a row with me and she has said that as from now I have no grandkids and she wants nothing to do with me.

I'm breaking my heart, I love my DD and my grandchildren so much, I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 15:32

Bozza, with dd yes, she says that she needs the whole afternoon proir to the evening out to get ready, then she needs until 6pm the next day to 'recover'.

TBH I think that she is lucky I don't know many other Nanny's that would 'wear' that. My mother never babysat for me, not once!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 15:36

Actually I think I should be called Doormat!

OP posts:
Bozza · 20/10/2005 15:39

Well since my DD was born 17 months ago she has been overnight to my MIL once (when DS was having an op early the next morning). And they have been together to my Mums once - when we were attending the night do of DH's cousin's wedding and I got DD to sleep before I went out and got ready there in about 15 minutes.

So yes you are a saint!

doormat · 20/10/2005 15:43

rn I have stepsons in teens and they would rather be out with mates most of the time than stay with us, could your dp not have them for a few hours a day instead of overnight and all weekend.
I realise that he like to spend time with his kids etc but as I said earlier does it have to be overnight. Could this overnight stay be like once a month instead.
the reason I am saying this is I think you need a break from all the kids and they are all old enough to fend for themselves, including your ds, so you and your dp can spend some quality time together.
As for your dd I think she is being very unreasonable with you and I think she needs to grow up and take responsibility herself.I realise you like to see your grandchildren but not when a gun is held to your head.
It sounds like you have helped her out alot, but she is taking this for granted, she may feel resentful but tough life doesnt always work out how we like it.

doormat · 20/10/2005 15:44

LOLrn that name is mine

aloha · 20/10/2005 15:48

I know you say that she is difficult to reason with but have you tried saying what you said so eloquently here - that when your dd was growing up she had her every single day, but your dp only sees his children every other weekend?
There is a huge difference between children and grandchildren but she sounds very jealous, emotional and unstable even. However, if you want to be part of your grandchildren's lives, I suspect you will have to eat humble pie - even if it is through clenched teeth!
Maybe something like, 'I'm so sorry I put the phone down on you? Can we talk? I love you so much, and you sound really sad and angry with me atm, and as if you feel pushed out.' - basically make her feel listened to and understood. Perhaps even say that you never though of finding a partner while she was growing up because she was always your focus, and you are so proud of her and the grandchildren.
But tbh I think she expects an awful lot from you - overnight babysitting from 1pm to 6pm the following day! As you say, your mother never babysat for you once. I think some mothers do expect a hell of a lot from their own mothers these days.

vicimelly · 20/10/2005 15:58

Wow you really are a saint, I think I am incredibly lucky with my mum as she adores dd (4yrs) and has always babysat for me regularly.
Although this has always been at her instigation with the exception of 3 or 4 times when I've asked myself.
I wouldn't dream of expecting her to babysit she's done her bit with us, she needs a life too - luckily for me my dd plays a large part in it
I think you are already doing an enormous amount of babysitting for your dd, and she is taking it for granted and expecting it from you.
I don't think for one second she'll stop you seeing your grandchildren, if she's relied on you so heavily in the past for help what will she do now?
I might be going against the grain here but personally I wouldn't contact her first, unless you're really sure that she will not contact you. I would be inclined to say that she will though - when she realises she has no more babysitter! and when she does I'd take the opportunity to explain to her that you really are doing a hell of a lot for her but you need time for yourself too, and it really isn't anything to do with your stepchildren.

good luck xx

Original poster
RubbishNanny · 20/10/2005 16:17

Doormat, my step children live a long way from us, so its not practial for us to only have them for a few hours take them back then have them the next day, in any case they want to spend the weekends with their Dad, I must say he is a fantastic Dad. I wish my Dad had been more like him (that sounds a bit wierd, don't take me wrong I fell for dp long before I realised what a wonderful Dad he was!)

Yes, you are right I do feel as if she is holding a gun to my head and being very manipulative.

Thank you everyone for your views I was really convinced that I was being a Rubbish Nanny and I fully expected to get slated in this thread, maybe I'm not such a rubbish nanny after all

I think I may give her a little time to reflect and calm down, then I'll probably text (she can't scream and shout at a text (well she can but...) hopefully she will read it a couple of times and maybe see reason.

OP posts:
crunchie · 20/10/2005 16:20

TBH my veiw is that your dd will call you as soon as she wants another babysitter!! She will not cut youout of her life, as she will not want to stop going out Personally I would send an apology that you couldn't help this time text, and say that perhaps you are free next weekend (or whenever you are free!). Then sit back and wait for her call.

I think you do far to much for her, but that is up to you, I also understnad why she is upset. But she is acting very childishly.

Good Luck

emily05 · 20/10/2005 16:57

I dont think that you are a rubbish nanny - so change your user name! Basically, if you are not at her beck and call for babysitting duties then she will blow you off!? That is so unfair and to use your grandchildren as a weapon is appalling.

Sometimes I ask my mum to babysit and she cant. At first I feel disappointed but give myself a nudge to realise that my mum has done her share and deserves a life.

It sounds to me that this has been an excuse for her to vent her anger due to her jealousy issue about your new family. There is nothing that you could do differently.

I would perhaps write her a letter. Dont get sucked into the argument again though because you will go round in circles. Just tell her how important her and her children are to you, how much you love them and that you are sad that she is upset. You hope that she will change her mind about not seeing you as that is not what you want. Any other time babysitting duties would be number 1, but you need to spend some time with your partner too. How about suggesting also that you spend a day together just you and her, to patch things up.

I hope that this makes sense. Families are a hard thing to juggle. I have lost track of the amount of fall outs and "I never want to see you again" my family has had, but in the end it all works out. I hope that it does for you x

hunkerpumpkin · 20/10/2005 16:58

It does seem as though you are guessing at why she's upset with you - the underlying reasons, I suppose.

It's really easy to ascribe all sorts of thoughts and feelings to someone else.

Please write to her, saying you're sorry that things have come to this and that you'd love the chance to spend some time with her.

Squirrel3 · 23/10/2005 17:03

Well this is me Rubbish Nanny posting under my 'real' name,

I am trying to write a letter to dd, (she will not answer my calls) so I have decided to write to her.

The trouble is I am having difficulty trying to explain the differences between being a parent and a grandparent.

e.g the differences between the responsibility that dp has towards his kids and the responsibility I have towards my dd and my grandchildren.

Also the fact that because I don't have the degree of responsibility towards the grandkids as dp has towards his kids or indeed the responsibility I has towards her and ds when they were children doesn't mean I love my grandchildren any less, I love them to bits.

(OMG there was a lot of 'responsibility' in that), I don't really know how to explain it to her simply without her getting upset.

doormat · 23/10/2005 17:05

sqirrel had an idea it was you
sending you hugs
i think your dd will understand in the long run
xxx

Squirrel3 · 23/10/2005 17:07

I mean the responsibility that I had towards dd when she was a child as opposed to the responsibility that I have to her now as she is grown up with children of her own.

Squirrel3 · 23/10/2005 17:09

Thank you doormat, our posts crossed.

It wouldn't have taken a genious to work out who I was, would it?

doormat · 24/10/2005 15:56

How did you get on squirrel

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 16:13

I've written a letter doormat, I'm going to look at it again later, I'm not sure if it is quite right.

Its so difficult to put across that I am not just here to do anything that she wants, when she wants and that I am entitled to a life but at the same time I am her mum and I love them to bits and I would love to baby sit for when I can.

I didn't want to cave in and say "ok, I'll have them", because the next time she will use the 'gun to my head' tactic again. But it would have been the easy option in the short term but not so good in the long term.

when I get the letter 'right' I'll post it to her and then leave the 'ball in her court'.

doormat · 24/10/2005 16:15

hope it goes well squirrel

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 16:18

Thank you, I didn't think that things would ever get so bad between dd and I that I would have to communicate via letter with her.

doormat · 24/10/2005 16:20

I know what you mean squirrel but she will come around, I am sure of it
you sound like such a caring mum and nanny

ninah · 24/10/2005 16:24

squirrel didn't realise this was you. You are a lovely nanny and mum and I hope your dd comes to realise it. Sounds like taking a step back is a good thing, I am sure she will reflect and realise how much she loves and needs you in her and her children's lives. good luck and keep us posted!
I'm sure she does love you very much. I wish I'd been more appreciative of my mother when she was around. She was as lovely as you are with your dd and I'm afraid I took it for granted a little.

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 16:29

DD is soooooo stuborn though, she will prefer to cut of her nose to spite her face than admit that she might be even in the slightest bit wrong.

I have put a lot of thought into the letter and tried to read it as if I was her, its difficult as she is a bit unstable and gets upset very easily (well, when things aren't going her way) I've tried to put my point of view over in a strong but loving way.

I will let you know what happens, thank you doormat.

Squirrel3 · 24/10/2005 16:39

Posts crossed Ninah, thank you.

I'm sure your Mum is looking down at you and is proud of the way you are coping with everything {hug} and she knows/knew how you feel about her.

ninah · 25/10/2005 10:55

thanks squirrel
good luck with dd, she's a lucky girl!

Squirrel3 · 27/10/2005 12:21

DD received the letter this morning and she appologised, but she still doesn't 'get' it, she still thinks I should have the grandchildren as much as we have the stepchildren, and she can't understand why its difficult to have them all at the same time or why it should make a difference when she asks me to babysit.

I'm at a loss what to say next.