would it be the right thing to do HIDE an 'AFFAIR' if...

[catinhell]

the marriage was already on the brink of being declared 'over'?

background:
both parties worn down over the years by being in volatile marriage with numerous issues.

both parties agree to separation. have had many temporary separations in past. got back together each time for sake of ds1 and 2. both feel marriage is over.

BUT a week before partner X decides to instigate the final separation, partner Y unexpectedly meets someone else.

partner Y has been loyal person for 20 yrs and was only receptive to meeting this new person as they craved affection due to the state of their marriage.

SO... given that the person was only ever on the scene for such short time, is it kinder to keep quiet about it? or is honesty always the best policy?

Peter I've lost track of who is who in this drama (like you I don't think well in x & y LOL) and yes, I would normally say honesty is the best policy, but in my opinion - in this case, when the relationship is over and the affair isn't the cause and is only a very new. short term thing - I think there is more to gain by keeping it quiet. There is no need for the OM/OW to 'get the blame' and the other partner needs to face up to the fact that the relationship is dead in the water, not just 'blame' the OM/OW - for their own sake IMO.

I don't think 'options' should be kept open, not at all, the 'cheating' partner needs to move out now. They both need to deal with the fact that the relationship is over without tangling it up with the OM/OW.

I just think it's easier for the other partner to move on once they accept the relationship is over and when you don't have an OW/OM to 'blame' or cloud the situation it's easier to accept - once again just IME/IMO.

WWIFN - I'm talking about this case.

Anyway, the OP isn't even x or y so I doubt much of what any of us is saying will help anyone :(

chip, I get ya

pros/cons for both sides of course

lying always gets found out in the end though, IME

at least with honesty, that shitty thing ain't gonn ahappen, these siuations are shitty enough

I think "Y" is a bit shitty all over, all being said

on that note..

I don't think it's fair to say Y is shitty. Catinhell doesn't appear to think Y is shitty. Just that they are unhappy to be stuck in the middle. Separation/Divorce can really shake peoples foundations and it doesn't sound like he has had a lot of affection over the years from Y. Catinhell seems to side with Y but wants to be a friend and support X. I'm wondering how Y met soulmate. And if soulmate knew/knows the full situation. Did Y end it?

You can't continually be in a marriage where there is a constant threat of separation/divorce. I feel sorry for both Y and X because it just sounds like a totally unhappy situation and what about the kids? Surely it's unhealthy for their parents to constantly be splitting up and getting back together. They need to either commit or split up for definite. If X knew about the soulmate - it could very well be the catalyst. Sad situation all round.