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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

would it be the right thing to do HIDE an 'AFFAIR' if...

78 replies

catinhell · 27/02/2011 16:34

the marriage was already on the brink of being declared 'over'?

background:
both parties worn down over the years by being in volatile marriage with numerous issues.

both parties agree to separation. have had many temporary separations in past. got back together each time for sake of ds1 and 2. both feel marriage is over.

BUT a week before partner X decides to instigate the final separation, partner Y unexpectedly meets someone else.

partner Y has been loyal person for 20 yrs and was only receptive to meeting this new person as they craved affection due to the state of their marriage.

SO... given that the person was only ever on the scene for such short time, is it kinder to keep quiet about it? or is honesty always the best policy?

OP posts:
catinhell · 27/02/2011 17:39

baby, i knw that, but someone asked about money issues

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 27/02/2011 17:44

OP - I have read most posts and skimmed through others.

Are you the other party- ie the other woman ( or other man?)

If Y had a fling thinking the marriage was well and truly stuffed, and now X is not so sure, I cannot see it is such a big deal for Y.

Why are you so concerned? Unless I have missed it, it would help enormously if you would say what your relationship is to X and Y.

cabbageroses · 27/02/2011 17:47

Okay- have seen that one is a close relative and the other an in law- that sounds confusing to say the least! You are related to both- are they related to each other too? Confused

I think this is being over-thought here. All that matters if for the couple to decide what to do now.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 18:03

just stay out of it, OP

I think that is your only choice here

those who gessed that Y is a bloke...no big surprises there

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 18:03

guessed

catinhell · 27/02/2011 18:07

cabbage- they are married to each other, related i guess! one is my rel, one is in law.

yes they do need to decide, but X doesnt know all the facts .

BABYAPPLE, i think you are spookily astute re your about X wanting to get things back on track if only they knew about the affair. i think that the fact that X is now back pedalling is due to sensing a shift in Y 's feelings. usually Y is the one pushing for a reconciliation, and maybe being too avaialable. not any more. a bit of reverse pyschology is kicking in and all of a sudden X can sense a change is starting to do the running and maybe want Y back.

this is v sad, as Y is normally the one being pushed away. X has started now to show some affection . but its too late.

OP posts:
dignified · 27/02/2011 18:07

I think the soul mate bollocks gave that away.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 18:10

not up to me to judge, but tbh I am feeling less sympathy for X the more you post

like WWIFN said though, you really don't know what goes on in other people's marriages, behind closed doors

you need to step away

this isn't your judgement to make

dignified · 27/02/2011 18:13

Its not totally unlikeley that he will come grovelling back when things dont work out with his soul mate ? Isnt not telling just really keeping his options open ?

catinhell · 27/02/2011 18:15

peter, i do want to step away, but when theyve had issues in the past, i've always talked to both and been able to be a friend to both parties.

this time i cant face talking to X at all as it'd feel like a deception. yet if i dont call then it'll look like i dont care or have taken sided. (we are close friends as well as inlaws.)

OP posts:
catinhell · 27/02/2011 18:16

dignified, i really dont sense that, tbh.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 18:19

Grin I really thought Y was a woman.

The 'soul mate' thing - I have never heard a bloke come out with that. and the loyal for 20 years....

I really thought Y was the woman.

Youllskimmer · 27/02/2011 18:21

I haven't got a clue what is going on and keep getting the urge to transpose the formula.

catinhell · 27/02/2011 18:21

dignified, i can understand all the stereotypes (eg adulterous male pig)that people may be assuming apply here, but at the risk of saying to much...

Y has been told for years by their spouse that they are not loved.

suddenly and unexpectedly Y met someone who showed them affection and made them feel good about themself. soul mate? maybe.

OP posts:
dignified · 27/02/2011 18:45

Im agreeing with Wwifn here . Its easy to rubbish your marriage when someone new and exciting comes along , and thats not fair on the other spouse .

If it was over , they would be living seperateley and divorced . Whether your relative is worried about this third person being blamed for the divorce they will understandably be blamed anyway.I He is married , he has a wife , and until that relationship is properly over he is not really in a position to start another one .

Sorry , but it really looks like he is attempting to explore other options while keeping his wife in the dark , thats not nice.

ginnyjeans · 27/02/2011 19:06

Not sure I agree fully with Dignified - as Catinhell has said that X has repeatedly over the years told Y that they don't love them and the marriage was volatile. Who wants to live like that?

The soul mate doesn't appear to be on the scene anymore? Did Y end that?

If Y wants to make marriage with X work, he prob needs to tell X about the affair. But if Y is adamant marriage is over and relationship with soul mate is over, is there any point in hurting X? Would X be hurt by this revelation? Has either cheated before? Was Y completely honest with Soul mate? It's hard to pass Judgement not knowing the full facts.

But yes, It sucks to be in the middle Catinhell. Although, it sounds as though you think the marriage is a no go now anyway.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/02/2011 19:28

Unless I'm missing something, I thought the OP had said that the new relationship was very much ongoing.

The problem is catinhell that unless you've been witness over the years to X telling Y that she no longer loves him, or indeed witness to every nuance in their marriage (impossible obviously) you can't in all honesty say that the marriage is as X is describing now. It's fair enough to have an overall impression of the marriage based on your conversations and interventions over the years, but who really knows why your IL felt the way she did so frequently? Perhaps she was permanently frustrated about the changes Y kept promising that never materialised.

I've often thought, for example, that what can look like a marriage between a laid-back person and a control freak is actually the reverse and that the laid-back person is the real controller in the marriage, but in a very passive way that evades detection from outsiders...

Having said all of that, if X had got complacent and used to a script of being the one who was loved more, it often happens that an affair or sudden emotional detachment from their spouse shakes them out of their complacency and causes a re-think.

Y isn't being fair at all on the third party, because rebound or overlap relationships are blighted by the sort of recriminations he quite justifiably fears. After a long relationship, it is far more healthy to be on his own, rather than using another person to propel him out of a relationship he might have lacked the courage to leave. That person has feelings and emotions too and it would be unfair to use her as a pawn in a marital game.

In her shoes though, I would want to be absolutely certain that no lies were being told, including those by omission. I wouldn't want to be party to any deceit, whatever I was being told about a cold, unloving wife who has cried wolf once too often.

The other thing is although I understand your need for privacy and your hesitation in posting too much, I'm curious about how you can be so definite that this is a new relationship. I got the impression that this was relatively short-lived, which makes the "soul mate" guff seem even more suspicious. Infatuation? Maybe.

cabbageroses · 27/02/2011 19:47

this SO... given that the person was only ever on the scene for such short time, is it kinder to keep quiet about it? or is honesty always the best policy? .... implies it was short term fling that is over .

No?

OP- I think you need to keep out of it. Other option is to talk to the "erring partner" and tell them you are finding it hard to stay silent and have divided loyalties.

This puts the ball in their court and makes it their problem- not yours.

it's not your call. if the topic comes up in conversation you surely have the wherewithall to change the subject- or even say that you are not the best person to advise as you are too close to them all- without giving anything away, of course.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/02/2011 19:51

Oh! Thanks CR. I interpreted that comment as the person was only on the scene for a short time before the marriage finally ended, but that they were still very much on the scene now, hence the subsequent "soul mate" references. Can you clarify OP?

happiestblonde · 27/02/2011 19:52

Been there. Was the OW. Marraige was over entirely in many ways for very long time, both partners happy about separation. DP met me and a week later left her - he left due to years of mutual unhappiness, I was coincidental but perhaps sped the process on by about 2/3 weeks. She never knew but has probably worked it out, harbours no resentment now and is with someone else too. All are happy. Sometimes honesty is not necessary.

happiestblonde · 27/02/2011 19:53

oops didnt read whole thread, may have gotten wrong end of stick about the situation.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 27/02/2011 19:58

I think it's better if the other person doesn't know about the affair because then the split becomes about that and the OW/OM and not about what was wrong with the marriage - I think the other person is left with that 'if it hadn't been for the OW/OM we might have been able to 'fix it'. The OW/OM is unfairly blamed and the non affair having partner doesn't face up to what was actually wrong.

Sorry you are in this position - it is really really hard when you are related/friends with both people in a relationship.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 20:10

chipping, if "Y" was honest though (wow...what a novel idea Shock ..) then this wouldn't be an issue

what happened to grown-up honesty ?

this smacks to me of Y wanting to keep his options open

whic is shit

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/02/2011 21:27

Maybe not in this case Chipping but in hundreds of others, the split is because of that. We keep seeing threads on here too, about men who left with no explanation and a refusal to go to counselling, only for the abandoned partner to discover later, that there was an OW all along. There's one on this board at the moment and like so many others, the second relationship has failed and hey presto, the "bad" marriage suddenly becomes appealing enough to want to return to it. Hmm

Honesty helps people move on with their lives.

romneymarsh · 27/02/2011 22:05

Totally lost?????

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