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Original poster

would it be the right thing to do HIDE an 'AFFAIR' if...

78 replies

catinhell · 27/02/2011 16:34

the marriage was already on the brink of being declared 'over'?

background:
both parties worn down over the years by being in volatile marriage with numerous issues.

both parties agree to separation. have had many temporary separations in past. got back together each time for sake of ds1 and 2. both feel marriage is over.

BUT a week before partner X decides to instigate the final separation, partner Y unexpectedly meets someone else.

partner Y has been loyal person for 20 yrs and was only receptive to meeting this new person as they craved affection due to the state of their marriage.

SO... given that the person was only ever on the scene for such short time, is it kinder to keep quiet about it? or is honesty always the best policy?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 27/02/2011 16:54

unless X is completely thick, it is going to be bloody obvious that the new person was on the scene before the actual separation.

Original poster
catinhell · 27/02/2011 16:54

HECTATE thats what i told Y re naively hoping to produce 'new partner' a year later!! as if no-one would twig.

PETER, one is a very close relative. one is an in-law. i am being cagey because i dont want to be recognised-not beacause i am X or Y..

OP posts:
missmehalia · 27/02/2011 16:55

Just an added thought, but this idea of a 'soulmate'.. I don't always set a lot of store by this notion. If someone is perceived as the answer to your prayers when you've stuck out a long loveless marriage, then what that new involvement is showing you is only what you've been missing out on.

And once you've left the marriage, you see the new 'soulmate' as the human being they really are, which is not necessarily the answer to your prayers. It takes far more courage to leave to be on your own, rather than simply rebounding into a new/different involvement.

I can see Y's need to confide in someone (excitement of someone new, etc) but I really think if you're a friend of both X and Y, Y should not have compromised you, for I think that's what it has done. And it puts you in a very awkward position further down the line when X finds out you knew all along (and it IS likely to happen.)

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 16:56

hec is right, how long do you keep another human being hidden" ?

6 months ? 12 months ? 5 years ?

silly situation

telling lies is always wrong, or at least you will always get caught out which means more to some people Wink

Original poster
catinhell · 27/02/2011 16:57

MISSMEH tahts what i'm worried about

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 16:57

missm, I completely dispute the idea of "soul mate" too

but that is perhaps a different thread Smile

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 16:57

Of course they'll know.

And it will be worse because Y will have lied.

And nobody will believe anything except that it had been going on for years and the break up was because of the affair.

What exactly is Y afraid of? Or rather, who is Y afraid of? What does Y think will happen if s/he is just straight and says "This marriage is over. I have met someone else and I want to be free to have a relationship with them."

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 16:59

cat, what you need to do is tell Y to stop confiding in you and putting you in an impossible situation

if you wish to stay friends (family?) with X, you also need to tell Y that if he/she doesn't tell X soon, you will do it yourself

Y should never have told you

dignified · 27/02/2011 17:00

Im wondering who on earth would go for Y whos

Newly seperated
Lying to their wife
Contemplating keeping them secret for a year
Hmm

IngridBergmann · 27/02/2011 17:00

I understand the idea it is 'easier' therefore that might make Y think it's wrong and they'll feel guilty.

However, the truth is that the marriage is over ANYWAY and therefore the new person is nothing to do with it.

I think new person needs to be informed of situation and kept on sidelines until Y is properly free or it will be a nightmare.

It's also more respectful.

But no, I would not tell X. It isn't an excuse nor is it a reason that they cannot get back together, the failing marriage is the real reason therefore it'll complicate things and it shouldn't be allowed to.

Keep it separate.

Youllskimmer · 27/02/2011 17:01

If another person enters the scene before the divorce and finances are sorted it can turn very acrimonious.

Get it all sorted then start a relationship.

realrabbit · 27/02/2011 17:01

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PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 17:01

if there is any sniff of shit about child support or making somebody else out to be the bad guy/girl, I would just tell everybody right now

if this is anything to do with money, disassociate yourself right now, and don't be party to it

SoupDragon · 27/02/2011 17:02

So, has Y actually done anything with the new person? personally, I think they should hold off, explaining to the new person that they need to end the marriage first and tell X it is over as they have met someone new. honest and upfront.

missmehalia · 27/02/2011 17:02

Y can't have their cake and eat it. He/she would be taking the wisest option to apologise for dragging you into it, and proceed with separation and divorce and tell the 'soulmate' to stand back while they sort their stuff out.

A 'soulmate' would wait, surely... Smile

catinhell, you would certainly be within your rights to explain to Y that you understand why they wanted to talk about this new person, but that actually you wish they hadn't told you. You can't 'unknow' about it now, iyswim.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 17:03

dignified - why do you assume Y is a man? OP has not allocated gender to either X or Y

SoupDragon · 27/02/2011 17:05

"and possibly for Y's new person to be named in this.".

This is not true. The other person can not be named without either their consent or a protracted legal battle.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 17:06

I think this always goes back to "is it a good idea to jump straight from one relationship into another"

it isn't...and this is why

realrabbit · 27/02/2011 17:10

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babyapplejack · 27/02/2011 17:11

Haven't read whole thread but...to the OP:

OK so X and Y have decided to separate. I would virtually bet my house that if X knew about Y's affair, then X would want to get the marriage back on track. I have seen this in RL as well as read about it on here.

I know you are not revealing your position, which is fine. I am going to guess at sibling and sibling in law. Now, if X is your sibling, you need to either get Y to tell them what's going on or tell X yourself. If Y is your sibling, you still should advise Y to tell X but I don't think it's really your place to tell X yourself if Y has confided in you as your sibling.

X and Y may be volatile, but they have been together 20 years and have 2 kids. That will never ever be forgotten and it is a very big deal for them to get divorced. They can't just never contact eachother again as they have kids. And shared relatives, like you.

Y may think (s)he is with the love of their life, but that is a very difficult thing for Y to assess objectively, given Y's position and the fact that Y hasn't actually exited the primary relationship before starting the new one.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 27/02/2011 17:13

I think unless you are actually hearing both people's "truth" OP, a third party friend/relative cannot really assess whether the marriage was over. I'd apply the same logic to the OW/OM because there are so many people in their position who get told and want to believe that they weren't the catalyst for ending a marriage, but very often in these situations it transpires that the marriage really wasn't on its last legs, or could have been saved had it not been for their intervention.

If the people you are advising are on the same page that their marriage was coming to an end, then the discovery of a new love interest needn't be kept secret. On a general point, I feel very strongly that it is dishonest to "hide" new relationships. If a couple has children and therefore need to work out an amicable co-parenting relationship, perpetuating lies by omission is going to be damaging to that future relationship, not to mention that it is pretty disrespectful to lie to someone who has been a big part of your life for so long.

IME, people only lie about these relationships because it turns out that the affair was much more longstanding than they are making out. If the relationship really is this new, it shouldn't matter what other people think - your loved one knows his/her truth and that should be enough. Telling the partner left behind the truth is actually much more of a kindness, because it allows that person to move on and detach more easily.

dignified · 27/02/2011 17:13

I perhaps wrongly assumed , but either way , id stay well clear of a situation like this.

Original poster
catinhell · 27/02/2011 17:28

my head is in a spin. i wish i wasnt involved

thanks, all.

i think i will tell Y not to call me any more to discuss his situation until they have told X.

i feel really compromised. y knows that and is sorry and wishes they hadnt dragged me into it.

i want to support X through the separation but i have become an involuntary part of the decetion.

i just couldnt threaten to tell X myself, but i do feel very angry.

btw, i know for sure that theyve only just met- not an old affair. also, money is not an issue in the family- lucky them. X will be getting the house and plenty of maintenance, way above any CSA guidelines. Y will be living in much more modest accomm- by choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
catinhell · 27/02/2011 17:29

'deception'

i want to be a friend to X at this difficult time. but now i cannot, due to my involvement Sad

OP posts:
babyapplejack · 27/02/2011 17:35

Y can't make it OK for X by giving money/assets.