why do women stay with abusive men?

[notpythagoras]

There is thread after thread where women are in an abusive relationship, posters tell them to leave and later the OP namechanges and asks essentially the same question. It might be (has happened to me) that the first thread was hijacked by calls of troll, or that she thinks she was misunderstood and got freak advice but often it seems that she is just frozen. Why is this? Is it for practical reasons? Is it a question of time to adjust one's mindset?

In a survey, 36% of female college students said they had been assaulted by a boyfriend, and of those, half stayed in the relationship afterwards. Is that the same syndrome? That can't be for practical reasons (like sharing a house and kids) so why do they do it?

I have some ideas but wanted to know what others thought/ had experienced.

Oh, well done, Libra! Glad your mother understands properly. I hope you're now feeling safer and more sure of yourself. Good luck :)

I talked to lots of people, wotnext, looking for perspective. I didn't get much - just minimisation, being told I was misunderstanding/oversensitive/insecure, etc. All the crap I question on here. So many people were basically telling me it was my fault - just like my abusers - I thought it must be.

Eventually I found some common sense on an internet forum. This coincided with a new GP who actually listened, and the very long road to recovery began for me. You evidently have strong views differing from mine, but I couldn't disagree more with what you said. Ime it matters very much what other people say.

I'd be interested to know from those of you who have been through this, with hindsight, can you see that there where clear signs or circumstances at the beginning of the relationship that could have alerted you to what the future held, or whether what you experienced developed from "nowhere".

Clear signs at the beginning of the relationship Giveme, which in my naivety, I ignored, believing that we would find a way through as I was having a baby.

After that it was downhill all the way

Very much so. I didn't see them because I was 'conditioned' to accept behaviour I should have found weird. My instincts knew, though - I felt a sort of shock, a kind of attitude adjustment, at the first signs, but didn't get what it was about. This is why I do take posters seriously when they feel upset about things that look superficial at first glance.

Women stay for all manner of reasons. They are too weak to leave; they are too strong and see leaving as lack of control; they are too proud; they fear for the future of their children. Mostly they stay because their abuser has found their button and continues to push it.

When I left my Ex, I had examined and done everything I could, there was nothing left that I could do to change the situation. He wouldn't let me use the internet (he didn't say that but he said I put the puter at risk), so there were a number of things that led up to my decision. He became medically psychotic (that in itself wasn't enough), I watched Jeremy Kyle and realised that if I was on, I would be shouting at the TV to leave him and then, one night I went out and got drunk. I had to be brought home (never happened before) and when I woke up on the livingroom floor, I had to go upstairs because I was afraid that I had killed him in my stupor.

I hadn't killed him. But I put the other things together and had left before the sun had set on that day.

I have no impatience with women who complain of DV. When you are in that situation it doesn't matter that others say "leave". You need to get to that point and be willing to face the consequences alone, yourself. I listen, I reflect, I paraphrase. That way the seed of freedom is planted. If I can do anything to propagate it good, but I do not impose my feelings on her situation. Nor am I disappointed if it comes to nought this time.

It may succeed next time and I will not punish anyone for not taking my advice, because I know how hard it is and how leaving has to be her decision and her decision alone. Before, during and after I will give as much support as I can.

giveme I knew very early on and didn't listen to my gut. It was actually when we were walking across the concourse at Waterloo station and he was freaking out about the way I was carrying my bag. He was mainly freaking out that I wasn't carrying it the way he thought I should.

I was a textbook case of moving too quickly, as at that point we had been together 4-5 months but were in the process of relocating and buying a house. Looking back, that would have been such an easy time to leave although it seemed so hard, I chose to ignore it.

I have a lot of patience with men and women who post here with the 'am I overreacting' threads even if I don't always post. I know very much how that feels. The best advice I got was to keep a diary, that really helps clarify if it's a one-off or a pattern. I did this at the end and even though I knew it was bad, it shocked me to have the irrefutable evidence in front of me that he was blowing up several times a day.

I have sympathy for footballsucks and hope she realises that such a half life is not what she needs to settle for.

I typed a long reply on here at around 3am as I couldn't sleep, when I clicked "post message" the server was down for maintenance.

So I'll try again now but it will necessarily be shortened if I am likely to be interrupted.

Footballsucks - I feel similarly to you.

I decided about 6 years ago to stick this out until youngest left school.

Like you (I think), we have had some great times as a family and I and the dcs would miss all that.
Other reasons why I am still in this marriage are: we are a good parenting team; DS (particularly) needs his Dad around to do "guy things"; we have worked hard to get our home nearly as we want it - it is my home, is well located for schools and work and is in a low-crime area; I have invested time, money and love into it; we would all (including the dcs) suffer financially if we split as neither of us earns enough to keep a family unit and therefore neither of us could buy the other out; I do not want to have to explain to wider family and friends what has gone on to lead to a split. A friend of mine who wanted to leave her h was told by a local help agency that she and her 3 dcs might be put up in a B&B anywhere in Greater London, therefore possibly far away from her job, their schools and extended family - I could not submit ds to that at a crucial stage in his education.

The good times do outweigh the bad. I have some bad things happening atm, but I hope this period will blow over as it has many times before.

Following on from my above post, I have also been considering whether there were clear signs at the beginning of the relationship that things would turn out as they have.

The issue with my situation is around internet porn and contact websites, which didn't exist when our relationship started.

But perhaps there were signs around some of the controlling issues- he always liked to drop me off and pick me up if I went anywhere without him (which was often nice at the time and which I rarely saw as being a problem). Then early on in our marriage I was invited to attend a conference for work and he would not let me go - got insanely jealous (which is ironic now). I gave in that time but went the second time the opportunity arose. By then, of course, we were married and it didn't seem a bad enough thing to think about leaving over.

But if I had had any idea that things would turn out as they have, I would not have married him. And if all this stuff had reared its ugly head before having dcs, I would have ended the marriage.

FeelingBlue2 your posts have really moved me

I'm having problems too at the moment. In a women's refuge now, with DS (13yo) and 27wks +5days pg (I've posted a bit of it on this thread and others).

I'm finding myself today, after a busy week of sorting out benefits and the refuge place, feeling a bit hollow and empty .

It's really hard. But I know this will pass, I just have to stay strong. I know what H has done and it's NOT my fault.

I just have to keep on telling myself that. But it's still worth doing it, because I do also feel a lot better, a lot freer and lighter .

It's a crap position to be in, but for everyone who finds themselves in an abusive relationship, you must leave. You'll lose all that you are if you stay.

Thanks for your supportive message LibraPoppyGirl.

I won't de-rail the thread with further details, but it is good to be listened to.

Thanks for your supportive message LibraPoppyGirl.

I won't de-rail the thread with further details, but it is good to be listened to.