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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why do women stay with abusive men?

111 replies

notpythagoras · 25/02/2011 16:51

There is thread after thread where women are in an abusive relationship, posters tell them to leave and later the OP namechanges and asks essentially the same question. It might be (has happened to me) that the first thread was hijacked by calls of troll, or that she thinks she was misunderstood and got freak advice but often it seems that she is just frozen. Why is this? Is it for practical reasons? Is it a question of time to adjust one's mindset?

In a survey, 36% of female college students said they had been assaulted by a boyfriend, and of those, half stayed in the relationship afterwards. Is that the same syndrome? That can't be for practical reasons (like sharing a house and kids) so why do they do it?

I have some ideas but wanted to know what others thought/ had experienced.

OP posts:
ullainga · 28/02/2011 11:52

longtalljosie, your earlier post was just so spot on. This what happened to me (luckily, my experience was very "mild" as emotional abuse goes, but still).

You love them, you assume that as they say they love you, they are actually interested in your well-being. And if he says then that he is sulking as something you said or did really upset him, you don't even consider that this might be anything but true. Only that..you seem to be doing an awful lot of upsetting things suddenly. Can't really do anything right any more. You just don't know how to appreciate him and of course it's your fault that he's sulking. Again. So you spend all your time obsessing about things not to do that would upset him, walking on eggshells, basing all your decisions on his possible reaction..exhausting.

I did have occasional vague thoughts that funny, I used to be smart and fun and generally an ok person, how come I'm so useless now? And hmm, was this reaction really justified? But I quickly threw thouse thoughts out - he loved me, so of course what he did must be right.

I was devastated when he left me, I thought he was the love of my life.

Only later, when I happened to read some articles about emotional abuse I realized what this relationship really was. Everything he did was there like they had been observing us. Scary.

dignified · 28/02/2011 13:02

I wonder if things will be differant in 100 years ?

Most of us probably grew up with a sahm who fussed around their dad , scuttling to get his tea and being given " housekeeping " . Even if we didnt , i think many of us grew up being aware of male priveledge , we are constantly bombarded with it in the form of adverts , soaps , books , its reinforced constantly by society and challenged by few .

Its not that long ago it was perfectly legal to rape your wife.

Ocasionally a man will post on here whinging about his wife. He,ll drop in casually that he cooks one night a week and takes his dc to school on his day off. Hes openly praised for that with comments like " ooh your wifes so lucky ". Ridiculous really .

NanaNina · 28/02/2011 13:20

Certainly hope so dignified - I grew up in the sort of household you describe with a SAHM in the 50's. My dad was lovely and not at all controlling but she still did a lot to make sure he was well fed and comfortable. Mind he did do a 12 hour day and did all the "male" jobs around the house and garden.

I am somewhere in the middle. In theory I believe that men and women are equal and was in the Womens Movement in the 70s and fought for equality (both in and out of the home!) However I am now in my late 60s and we are both retired, so my DP does the hoovering and washing up and his own ironing and I do the rest. He would do it but it's just habit somehow. The cooking thing is the worst for me as I still feel that I have to cook an evening meal, even if I don't feel like it (comes from my mum I think) although he is quite capable of cooking and did so as I have been ill (physically and mentally) over the past 12 months.

I can see a big change in my adult son's relationships, all married with children. There is most definitely a big difference in the roles and the men are expected to do as much (sometimes more) than the woman. I am not criticising this but it is interesting to see. I am sure not all today's r/ships are like this, but I can only go by what I see.

SO........my g/chdrns generation - things should change even more and maybe then there will be true equality between the genders. Mind that is a bit of a blanket assertion because it is still going to depend a great deal on the individuals concerned. I'm sure for instance that DV (sadly) will still happen. Ah well I probably will have fallen off my perch by then, but I can only hope..........

NanaNina · 28/02/2011 13:22

Sorry I think I am detracting from the real issues of this thread - was just interested by a comment made by dignified............as you were!

ullainga · 28/02/2011 13:32

dignified, I'm not sure this is the main issue. My mum was not a fussing SAHM and I certainly don't think men are somehow better than women, that single women are worth less so I should do anything to keep the man or anything in those lines. It was exactly as longtalljosie described - I loved him, I trusted him, therefore he could manipulate me.

ropesend · 28/02/2011 13:36

so a question then is --- why do [some] women continue to love their abusive, bullying man

NicknameTaken · 28/02/2011 15:14

Hope you're feeling better these days, NanaNina.

Ropesend, if they were horrible all the time, it would be easy to get over them. It's the fact that sometimes they'll be lovely that's the killer. It's the inconsistent reinforcement that keeps you trying and trying instead of giving up. You become really invested in the good times - they are heightened because you're so damn relieved that he's being nice. Niceness from someone who is capable of being nasty feels so much more significant than niceness from someone who is reliably nice the whole time.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 28/02/2011 15:26

I was head over heels in love.this was my addiction,no other way to describe it.I got so many adrenaline rushes from him I was addicted.completely co dependent,I accepted his violence dope smoking and alcoholism for years.he was v sexy great in bed good looking .I was completly hooked in.
He dumped me after 16 yrs we have 2 young dcs and I asked him to sort out his drinking,he chose to leave instead.only after 16 mths apart and finding out he had been seeing the 21 yo barmaid from the pub ,can I honestly say I would never go back.WTF is that all about unless its addiction.my self esteem has improved big time.I am so much healthier now I wouldn't find a bloke with so much dysfunction attractive.
But why did I stay with him,I loved him,great sex and I accepted zero tenderness out of bed was normal behaviour.

stubbornhubby · 28/02/2011 15:36

tooposh - perhaps that landing lightbulb will be your, um, lightbulb moment.

ladymystikal · 09/03/2011 17:42

Well I stayed because I honestly thought I couldn't get anyone else.. I was told I was an ugly bitch, he was the best I could get, his friends thought he could do better etc, etc. And when he was violent and used to fake apologise after, I used to accept it because it was a rare time he was actually being nice. And when he sometimes cried afterwards(like when he bashed my head in by headbutting me)I used to think wow.. Maybe he does love me....Sad

footballsucks · 10/03/2011 09:28

my reason for staying in an abusive relationship? primarily, to keep the family together - some of my happiest times are when we are all together as a family having a good time, the children adore their father - i live in a nice house, and have an other wise nice life

i see it as the awful price i have to pay for all the good things in my life

stubbornhubby · 10/03/2011 09:56

women in this situation so often say "he's a good dad" and "the children love their father"

I always struggle to believe it. In my experience a bully is a bully.

footballsucks · 10/03/2011 10:09

i agree a bully is a bully, but i've weighed up the options and the alternative seems grimmer - a single mum with 2 kids under 3? i don't think i could do it

when things are good they are good, and I just have to learn coping strategies to get me through the dark bits and from one sunny spell to the next

i wish things were better but life isn't perfect and unfortunately life is rarely black and white -
the abuser and the abused, surely there are many shades of grey inbetween. I'm not saying i 'provoke' his abuse as such, but there are 2 people in every relationship, i have to take some responsibility for the less than perfect marriage, don't I?

ladymystikal · 10/03/2011 12:08

Football sucks- never say that. U DID NOT provoke him, or contribute to his behaviour. That's what they want us to think. I did the freedom programme and the things they taught us were excellent.

humptydidit · 10/03/2011 13:36

I left my abusive ex-h at christmas. I must admit that before I decided I was going to leave, I read posts on here which all seemed to follow the same pattern, op would come on asking for advice and then she would be appear to be bombarded with people telling him to ditch him asap. I thought there were a lot of bitter man hating girls on here.

but
now that I have done it, I realise I am starting to fall into the other camp! I am in danger of sounding like a bitter man hating type too! It's not because I am bitter and man hating. I am very angry with my ex for his behaviuor towards me but I don't hate all men. However, now when I look at ohter people and I think I see shades of how my life was, I am desparate to help that person to leave. Maybe that comes across as a bit strong but it's not "all men are bastards and let's ditch them all" rather it's "sweetheart things are really crap for you and if you can just get away from this nasty excuse for a man then your life will be so much better".
Does that make sense, that's now the way I see these threads.I left less than 3 months ago and now my life is a million times better. It's still very raw and it hurts a hell of a lot but it's so much better and I am desparate for anyone in a similar situation to gain that freedom that I now have.
Just for the record, my lightbulb moment was reading a thread on here with a link to this article the loser

footballsucks · 11/03/2011 15:23

i know , reading these threads does sometimes feel like every one is man hating, but i guess my point is that when 2 people argue, it is very rarely just one person going mad and the other person absolutely silent

he provokes my anger as much as i provoke his, the difference is his anger is much bigger, scarier and nastier than mine and i do think about leaving him, but then i also think perhaps we can get through this, people do, i know of a couple who have been married for 40 years, where the man used to be violent, he is now 'cured' and they have one seems like a good marriage!!

dementedma · 11/03/2011 15:33

they stay because they are afraid to leave

NicknameTaken · 11/03/2011 15:56

Oh footballsucks, I'm often one of the "leave him" posters, just because I know from experience that life is so much better on the other side. I only have one child, not two, and yes, I'm sure it would be harder to leave with two, but you just have so much more energy and enthusiasm for things when you're not walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion.

I'm desperately trying not to preach at you or tell you what to do, but the resignation in your post is one of the saddest things I've ever read here.

Can you just play a little in your imagination and fantasize what life would be like without him? I've never ever ever heard anyone who left wishing that they'd stayed with a violent man because life was so much better.

wotnext · 11/03/2011 16:15

Only when the person in the abusive relationship decides to go they will.

No common sense, good advice or help will make them leave until they themselves decide its time to change things then they do what they need to.

Unfortunately some people never see & the outcome is not good.

Its sad but true

garlicbutter · 11/03/2011 16:21

Unfortunately some people never see & the outcome is not good. - often because the advice they receive is similar to yours on other threads, wotnext. That's certainly what happened to me Angry

Isthreetoomany · 11/03/2011 17:12

Long long time ago I was one of the college students who stayed in a sexually abusive relationship (for a couple of years), when there were no practical ties (not even living together). Looking back I cannot believe I did stay, but at the time I was very young, pretty naive, and he was a smooth talker who made me feel as if there was something wrong with me if I didn't want sex.
Would certainly like to think I would never put up with being treated like that nowadays.

LibraPoppyGirl · 11/03/2011 18:22

Today, I secured a place to live in a refuge for me and my DS (13yo). I am 27wks +4days pg. DS is not H's son but is father of baby. I've known him over half of my life, but have only been in a "relationship" within this last year. Fell pregnant at first few sneezes. I'm 40yo.

I left where we were living almost a week ago.

I didn't post, pre leaving, about any of what was going on, in the abusive relationship, I found myself a part of. But I have been here, reading and listening and thinking.

I've done what I had to now, my D-Day came and there really was no choice for me. I left.

From the very beginning, I let my DM know what was happening and we talked regularly about it. She lived the same abuse as a DW< to my F and me and DB as his DC's! She left. And I believe her to be the most amazing woman I know Smile

Once I left, I posted on a couple of threads here, with posters I know and know of. I cannot tell you the value of the support I have been given by all of you, the MN Community.

I gained strength in numbers and I wanted to thank you and share my thoughts with you. Smile

wotnext · 11/03/2011 18:42

FGS, garlic butter

My whole point is it doesnt matter what anyone says to a victim.

They have to go through the process, i have been there so i know too :(

footballsucks · 11/03/2011 19:33

nickname taken, i certainly don't feel as sad as your post makes you feel! i'm just being realistic - apart from the crap bits, i am happy with my life and some of my happiest times are when we are all together as a family, i am not ready to give that up

besides, i have kind of been through this situation before and it is certainly not a bed of roses once you get out to the other side

maybe i am just crap at long term relationships - i saw therapist for 6 months once - a few years ago- she told me that i inspired violence in men! not a great thing to be told and I am still grappling with that notion to this day....

humptydidit · 11/03/2011 22:52

footballsucks
"i saw therapist for 6 months once - a few years ago- she told me that i inspired violence in men!"

I would question the opinion of any "therapist" who told anybody something as cutting as that... Please don't dwell on that Shock

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