I don't want to dump him but I'm going to have to aren't I? [sad]

[poshsinglemum]

I've posted about this guy before.

I met a man a month ago in a club and have been seeing him ever since. There have been some positives; he's lovely with my dd and spends time with her. He gave me perfume and cooks for me, the sex is FANTASTIC but tbh I'm getting big alarm bells.

He says he loves me but I'm not sure if he does. He's got a very close female friend (like his sister) who he sees regularly. He is from Spain and so is he and I know it's important for him to have mates from his own country here in the UK. She just copped off with one of his mates so she's claerly not a big threat but I do feel very insecure about it.

He was planning a meal for us all tonight. She was invited and so was I so I could meet her.
Recently he has been bringing his computer to mine because his internet is down at his place and when he comes here he prints off some stuff for work then goes on facebook. Bloody fucking facebook.

My dd has got attached to him and last night she was crying for him to give her a cuddle but he ignored her because he was busy messaging this femnale friend on facebook. She had messaged him to cancel the meal tonight.

I hitb the roof. I feel it's awful of him to get close to my dd and then blow her out. He just said that it was the first time he has done this.

He went home, I asked (no begged) him to come back so we could sort it out. He came back. We argued, we cried and had great sex and then he went back on the computer. It's a slippery slope isn't it?

Plus he called me crazy for feeling insecure about this girl. It just feels wrong.

I'm so sad becaue it was going well but he's sooo full on. I'd rather he spent less time at my house and spent proper time with his mates than spend all the time at my house and not so much quality time. so sad that I've been a mug again.

psm, I totally get the problem with not having a babysitter. I really do. But why on earth wasn't he told to come only after your dd was in bed? A simple solution that could have avoided this whole mess. I htink you would benefit a great deal from being on your own and having some therapy, in the kindest possible way. You cannot put your dd through this again

OP the biggest problem is you are taking no responsibility for this situation whatsoever. any criticism is immediately deflected whether to this new man (he "bulldozed", "pushed" etc) or his female friend.

he sounds like a waste of space but if you want to get it on with him do it. just stop pretending to play happy families at the same time. you pretend it's just a shag but if that was the case why would you be bothered about introducing to your daughter, getting cuddles for your daughter from him.

if you set some boundaries he would not be able to "bulldoze" but he clearly has been sent the message that being nice to your kid ight get him more brownie points for free broadband / sexual favours. now he is getting the message he doesn't even need to be nice to your kid he is not bothering as he seems to be getting the free broadband / sexual favours anyway.

wise up and get rid and next time don't rush into this set up. get to know someone slowly. if they are into you they will wait (and actually get more into you and respect you the less you give out early on).

OP I think it is irresponsible of you to allow someone who you met a month ago to get close to your daughter.

You are responsible for your daughter's happiness, not someone you met in a club a month ago.

If you like him then carry on seeing him, if you think he's leading you on, dump him. SIMPLES.

SmashingNarcissist is absolutely right.

Suggesting you had no choice about him meeting your daughter doesn't sound very good does it? Everything you have said seems to have him in the driving seat, you say no he does it anyway.

Im stunned he has even met your DD, let alone gained a attachment after 1 month

SEX thing - Do what most people who have not got babysitters do, wait till childs in bed ASLEEP, then invite male over, make him disappears before child wakes up, not sure though after a month you should be even doing this.

If things really are that desperate down there, invest in buying something from an Ann Summers catalogue, to tied you over, while you put your DD best interests ahead of your sexual urges

Ps, not sure if Im allowed to type AnnSummers on here, incase Im promoting them, so just to be clear, I do not work, nor have any attachments to this company, I do quite like the stuff though

As for the bulldozing etc, simple "NO" is the answer

/sigh

Psm you know when you say to your friends 'why didn't you tell me you thought he was a knob?'
Well I think this is that moment where people who have got to know you on here are saying that. And to be careful.

I definitely wouldn't introduce a new partner to my DCs after just one month.

I was with my last bf for 5 months before he met my boys. Even then I was wary as I knew he wasn't Mr Right, simply Mr Right Now so I didn't want the children to get too fond of him.

In the end it all worked out okay as despite splitting up we are still good friends (and work colleagues) and my eldest son plays on my ex-bf's football team every week!

It's not a crime to be single PSM, you don't have to be in a relationship to validate yourself.

Good post Dolly.

I hope PSM is still reading, ive re read my post and it seems harsh now, but it's only been a month. This isnt how healthy relationships starts and I kind of wanted to give that perspective of how very short a time this 'relationship' has been going.

Maybe I'm over cautious, but if I were dating a man for a month I would still hesitate to call it a relationship and I would definitely baulk at being told he was in love. That's not normal.

Oh, and an argument within a month of dating equals trouble.

PSM, you have been given some great advice here, please try to take it on board - you really, really need to spend some time alone working on your self esteem.

FWIW, I've been a single parent for just over 2 years, I've definately not been living like a nun, but my kids haven't had the slightest notion about any guys I have met. No way in hell would I even consider letting them meet someone unless I was sure it was serious.

I have a friend just now that I care about very much, who is lurching from one full on live in relationship to another because she believes that she is only worth anything if she is part of a couple....she just doesn't want to hear advice begging her to take a step back, yet each time, her confidence is taking more of a knock and she is damaging her self esteem even more. She doesn't even have kids and I can only imagine how confusing life would be for any children caught up in her choices. It's very painful to see her go through this.

You owe it to yourself, but more importantly your dd, to take a step away from dating completely until such times as you are happy by yourself.

Nothing wrong with wanting a shag BTW, just keep it totally seperate from your dd in future!

psm - please, to echo other posters, think about your DD first.

I've had several relationships prior to DP after splittting with XH, one (big mistake) met DS after about 3 months, and as soon as he did I knew it wouldn't work out, on one hand yes let your child meet them in a friend capacity further down the line, but not coming to your house & setting up camp etc.

The whole him reading a bed time story etc sits uneasy with me, as does buying her gifts so early on, DP has only just started to read bedtime story's to DS nearly a year down the line - he took 6 months to even be here when DS went to bed. etc etc. Sometimes it can work yes, but please your DD is small she can't be a voice to defend herself, you need to do this for her.

other than that - get any 'visitors' as it were, you may have to come over when DD is asleep - lord knows DP would sit outside in the car or drive around th block a few times if DS wasn't settling so he didn't hear or see him. and if he did stop the night he was gone before 5am incase DS woke up early.

this man is using you and I fear your vulnerability is attracting these idiots. you do deserve better, but most importantly so does your DD.

FFS "oh you're so judgemental"? People tend to judge you when you act monumentally stupid. Thats the way the world works.

PSM, some of the language here is a bit over the top, but the sentiment from ALL posters is the same. You need to look after yourself, and more importantly your dd. Don't put up with this shit from men. Anyone worth having will totally understand that you need to set up boundaries.

It is fine to have sex. Noone is making moral judgements about that. But having a "relationship" and involving your dd at this stage is BAD.

Oh that went well didn't it?

Some harsh words indeed, but the essence is right as many have said.

SLOW DOWN! please?

Posh , i know some of the replys are hard to read , but really , they are meant well , people are concerned for you and thats nice really .

Its obvious from your post that you know things arent right with him , your not daft and your not excusing him. I think as others say you need to work on establishing some boundarys , which if your not used to doing isnt as easy as it sounds .

Ive had counselling and read a thousand books and i still find it really hard to set limits , and i know i would find it very difficult if someone attempted to bulldoze me .

psm, virutally every time I read a post of yours I think, please get some counselling. Honestly. You always sound as though your self esteem is rock bottom, and while it stays that way, you aren't going to be able to pull yourself out of this rut.

You know what's going on with this man isn't right though, you don't need us all to tell you. Wishing you well.