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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to dump him but I'm going to have to aren't I? [sad]

94 replies

poshsinglemum · 24/02/2011 12:21

I've posted about this guy before.

I met a man a month ago in a club and have been seeing him ever since. There have been some positives; he's lovely with my dd and spends time with her. He gave me perfume and cooks for me, the sex is FANTASTIC but tbh I'm getting big alarm bells.

He says he loves me but I'm not sure if he does. He's got a very close female friend (like his sister) who he sees regularly. He is from Spain and so is he and I know it's important for him to have mates from his own country here in the UK. She just copped off with one of his mates so she's claerly not a big threat but I do feel very insecure about it.

He was planning a meal for us all tonight. She was invited and so was I so I could meet her.
Recently he has been bringing his computer to mine because his internet is down at his place and when he comes here he prints off some stuff for work then goes on facebook. Bloody fucking facebook.

My dd has got attached to him and last night she was crying for him to give her a cuddle but he ignored her because he was busy messaging this femnale friend on facebook. She had messaged him to cancel the meal tonight.

I hitb the roof. I feel it's awful of him to get close to my dd and then blow her out. He just said that it was the first time he has done this.

He went home, I asked (no begged) him to come back so we could sort it out. He came back. We argued, we cried and had great sex and then he went back on the computer. It's a slippery slope isn't it?

Plus he called me crazy for feeling insecure about this girl. It just feels wrong.

I'm so sad becaue it was going well but he's sooo full on. I'd rather he spent less time at my house and spent proper time with his mates than spend all the time at my house and not so much quality time. so sad that I've been a mug again.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 24/02/2011 13:19

Actually, to be fair to OP, it does depend on what age her DD is for wanting cuddles etc. DD is 3 and makes connections very easily with friends who come for weekend - DH has a couple of bachelor mates that come down every now and again and she gets very demanding of them. So the cuddles might not be strange if a young DD but OP I think you need to slow relationships down. (I use the plural because I think this is already going downhill, so I am thinking a future relationship(s)).

And FWIW I don't think it is too awful to 'need a shag', as long as this does not mean any interaction afterwards from your DD. (In other words, you have needs, if they can be accommodated whilst DD with friends/family then no harm done).

MooMooFarm · 24/02/2011 13:22

Posh and PS forgot to say - I would be seriously concerned about somebody saying they loved me after a month - surely that's a big red flag? How can he really know you, let alone love you?

HHLimbo · 24/02/2011 13:23

Hi PSM,
What, your internet has gone down too?
And youve run out of paper for the printer?
Oh, thats such a shame Wink

I think you need a few more boundaries here, as it is so new. If he wants to meet up with you, make sure he plans it at least 3 days in advance - you are a mum, you have plans and a busy life, things need to be planned in advance!

And then make sure there is a plan, with a start and end time. This is to make sure he doesnt take you for granted, and stops farting on the sofa.

MadreInglese · 24/02/2011 13:25

of course you can shag who the hell you like, it's your vagina

but introducing a new partner to your child before you even really know him yourself is just lunacy

KazBarTFG · 24/02/2011 13:26

One month..??

Stop being selfish and concentrate on your child woman!

You sound desperate to me and that is not the example you want to be setting is it?

EasyCrew · 24/02/2011 13:26

You met him amonth go. he has met your DD and is hanging out at yours. He says he loves you.

Bonkers!

You both sound extremely needy and pretty emotionally unstable.

emmyloopsyloo · 24/02/2011 13:27

You do need to get a grip. One month, met in a night club and you have let your dd get attached.

You sound insane.

NoSuchThingAsSociety · 24/02/2011 13:28

I'm presuming 'posh' is used in an ironic sense?!

Sarsaparilllla · 24/02/2011 13:29

I think you completely overreacted, he was busy and didn't jump to your childs attention immediately? I don't think that's a crime tbh, kids needs to just be told, 'not right now this second I'm busy' sometimes, surely

It's your jealousy about his friend that's the real issue here, and the fact you've only known him a month and are arguing like this is madness, I wouldn't bother with all the agro after 4 weeks tbh

FioFio · 24/02/2011 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Sarsaparilllla · 24/02/2011 13:30

damn, pressed post too soon

To add, after a month if I was him I'd be the one doing the dumping

EasyCrew · 24/02/2011 13:31

let's not forget 'he says her loves her'.

Nutjob alert. Or nasty, manipulative freeloader alert, at the very least.

CaptainNancy · 24/02/2011 13:32

Lots of tough love on this thread- but please listen to some of it. You shouldn't be introducing your (v young) DD to new partners in this kind of timescale - it is too confusing and traumatising for her to attach to constantly changing partners at her age.

My parents met and married within 6 weeks- love can happen like that (together 40 years and counting) - but there are other factors here. It certainly doesn't sound as though he is 'the one'.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 24/02/2011 13:33

Right you all. I clearly come across as some deranged, needy, desperate nut who will do anything for a man. And have been earrmarked for it on here.

I didn't want for him to gte so close to dd but he bulldozed his way in and came to the park with us at first, bought her a train set and would come up to read me a bedtime story.
After being on my own for two years as I needed the space I was flattered and felt it showed he was a good bloke. When he met me he had no idea I was a mum so I know he isn't a wierdo.

It is so hard for me to get the babysitters for a date especially as mum is ill and I was flattered despite me pushing him away.

As I have no babysitter I can afford he is coming to mine and dd is there. I am no nun and sorry but I like sex. I want to enjoy it etc.

I apprechiate the adviuce but TBH I can't post on here anymore. I don't mind the advice but some posters just jump on my every word and remind me that I am desperatem for a man and make me feel even more crap.

I don't do judgemental nd mumsnet is judgemental so mabe it's not the place for me. Be careful; you might convert me to the darkside (netmums!) But I doubt it. I'm off to hang out in the tough old real world for a bit. Where no doubt I will get equally as savaged.

I am speaking to hbim tonight. I care about him. So shoot me.

OP posts:
HHLimbo · 24/02/2011 13:34

Also I agree with others here, if you dont feel secure with him then how can you expect your daughter to?
Better to wait until you feel secure.

If he wants to spend his time on the internet, he can do that elsewhere - it is not your job to provide him with internet access, send him away! :)

You are not a mug, you just need to set and keep your boundaries. Show him that you have standards and self respect. Then he cant just come along and turn your life upside down, making you feel stressed out and messed about.

take care x

FourFortyFour · 24/02/2011 13:36

You don't "have" to do anything but if you feel rubbish over his behaviour after such a short time then you need to look at that.

If you want sex there are ways to do that rather than having a relationship and I think it might help to have some time alone with your child and forget about having a relationship just yet.

TakeItOnTheChins · 24/02/2011 13:36

What the hell were you doing introducing him to your DD so soon?

I know people who have waited 2 YEARS to introduce partners to kids, for what should now be obvious reasons.

SenoritaViva · 24/02/2011 13:36

NoSuchThinkAsSociety - why? Posh people can't have insecurities and be single parents Confused

Easycrew - not always a nutjob, DH announced love after about a month. He is not a nutjob. He is a lovely nutjob Grin As CapNancy says, it can happen, but unlikely if I am honest.

EdgarAleNPie · 24/02/2011 13:37

netmums local might not be a bad place to meet other mums who might babysit for you on a swap basis in future (so i hear)

something about this relationship seems squiffy to you - that's why you're overreacting - something in that?

MooMooFarm · 24/02/2011 13:40

posh please listen to what is being said here - why would everybody be saying the same thing if there wasn't at least some truth in it?

Why did you let him 'bulldoze' his way in? Surely your DD deserves more protection than that. I would be seriously concerned about a man I'd just met buying presents for my child and wanting to read them bedtime stories - it's just not appropriate IMO. The fact that he didn't know you had a daughter straight away doesn't prove he's not a wierdo - how can it?

Your DD must be your priority, no exceptions, no excuses about liking sex - so what if you do? Does that mean you are willing to compromise your child's safety rather than go without now and again?

I am going to have to walk away from this thread now as I am fuming and also find it quite disturbing Sad

Snuppeline · 24/02/2011 13:45

Why does your dd want a cuddle with a man her mom has known for a month? The fact that the bloke is on the internet most of the time he's with you and you've only been seeing each other for a month tells me two things. He's weird (who would be that impolite after only a month) and he's just not that into you (who would be that much on the internet when they're hanging out with a girl they've just met). You're right to have alarmbells ringing. Heck mine are ringing on your behalf not to mention your dd. What are you teaching her exactly? That she should throw her affections at any man who randomly takes an interest in her? Get yourself some help to sort out why you can't move a bit slower in relationships and why you seem to need a man so much (other than for the sex obviously). In short, get some help for your dds sake.

dittany · 24/02/2011 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobyLerone · 24/02/2011 13:52

Ok, 1 month/your daughter becoming attached other stuff aside, I think you sound a bit mental. Yes, you've been a mug, because you're needy and desperate and this situation is of your own making.

It sounds like there are serious communication issues here. You wish he'd do this and that. If wishes were horses etc...

MogadoredMemoo · 24/02/2011 13:55

You can have sex when DD is in bed! You just need to get him to come round after your DD has gone to bed.

I know it difficult (and lonely) God I've been there but you must put your DD first and at the moment you're not.

SenoritaViva · 24/02/2011 13:55

The bulldozing does worry me, that you didn't feel you could say no or put the brakes on. Does not sound like he's respecting your wishes / needs much.

The relationship sounds like you have compacted what normally happens in 6 months- 1 year into a month (meet, dates, have some fun and learn about each other, realise love, have the odd fight, meet OH's children, become a bit more mundane - internet etc.) This really SHOULD take longer. I think you should get some help (counselling or whatever) so that you respect yourself more and as a result have better relationships in the future. If I remember correctly your DD's father treated you like shit and I don't think you are quite over feeling like shit. Respect yourself and your needs more, there are better people for you (and your DD) out there.