I don't want to dump him but I'm going to have to aren't I? [sad]

[poshsinglemum]

I've posted about this guy before.

I met a man a month ago in a club and have been seeing him ever since. There have been some positives; he's lovely with my dd and spends time with her. He gave me perfume and cooks for me, the sex is FANTASTIC but tbh I'm getting big alarm bells.

He says he loves me but I'm not sure if he does. He's got a very close female friend (like his sister) who he sees regularly. He is from Spain and so is he and I know it's important for him to have mates from his own country here in the UK. She just copped off with one of his mates so she's claerly not a big threat but I do feel very insecure about it.

He was planning a meal for us all tonight. She was invited and so was I so I could meet her.
Recently he has been bringing his computer to mine because his internet is down at his place and when he comes here he prints off some stuff for work then goes on facebook. Bloody fucking facebook.

My dd has got attached to him and last night she was crying for him to give her a cuddle but he ignored her because he was busy messaging this femnale friend on facebook. She had messaged him to cancel the meal tonight.

I hitb the roof. I feel it's awful of him to get close to my dd and then blow her out. He just said that it was the first time he has done this.

He went home, I asked (no begged) him to come back so we could sort it out. He came back. We argued, we cried and had great sex and then he went back on the computer. It's a slippery slope isn't it?

Plus he called me crazy for feeling insecure about this girl. It just feels wrong.

I'm so sad becaue it was going well but he's sooo full on. I'd rather he spent less time at my house and spent proper time with his mates than spend all the time at my house and not so much quality time. so sad that I've been a mug again.

Agree the man shouldn't have met the child, agree he sounds an intense dick but PSM is also sounding a dick for getting jealous over a friend of his after knowing him a month

The whole situation sounds very wrong, two very intense people getting together sounds like disaster about to happen

poshsinglemum, your boundaries with men are very poor. I feel I must point that out - not to be deliberately cruel to you, but to tell you how it looks from the outside, honestly.

'I didn't want for him to get so close to dd but he bulldozed his way in'

You are an adult and a parent. You cannot let men 'bulldoze' their way into your life and, more importantly, your child's life. If you feel unable to say 'No' or to set proper boundaries with people, you will not attract decent, genuine people.

I will say it to you straight:

1. A good man will not expect to come around to your house or meet your child so early on in a relationship. He will respect the boundaries ypu put up / ground rules you lay down, IF you do are clear to set them in the first place.

2. A good man will not form a bond with a small child too quickly, withoutbeing very sure and very clear that the relationship is a long-term one.

3. A string, stable, emotionally mature man man will NOT tell you he loves you a month into a 'relationship'.

You say you are lonely, you need and want sex, you felt flattered by the attention this man showed you. This is all normal and natural. But you simply cannot put these needs of yours above what is sensible and right long-term, especially for your DD. If you do, you will almost certainly find that you do not build good, lasting relationships with kind, decent men. You also run the risk of damaging your DD.

You may care about him, but you have known him for one month. How can your attachment to him be so deep after such a short time? It just screams 'low self worth'.

For the sake of your DD, you really need to honestly examine your attitude towards men and relationships.

Fwiw, I am not against single parents having sexual relationships. If you told me that you were going out on dates once a week and shagging the living daylights out of each other, away from your DD and her home, I would say 'Good on you!'.

3. strong, stable

PSM

How did you expect people to react btw?. Its all far too quick and he's barged in with no thought for yourself and your child actually. You don't really know him at all do you?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

What are you now teaching your daughter about relationships?.

Love your own self for a change: I don't think you actually like you at all. You stand a chance then of not attracting low lifes and cocklodgers like this current individual. Such men are guaranteed to send their women's/victim's self esteem and worth throught the floor. You allowed this to happen to you and that to me is concerning.

Posh, sorry you are feeling personally attacked by the advice you are getting. There; that is some empathy for you.
But, regarding this man, and the circumstance of your youngster-no you are not getting much sympathy or empathy because you really are making wrong decisions 'managing' these two aspects of your life. It is very dangerous for you and exponentially so for your daughter. He could be a peidofile for all you know of him! The anger you find here may be on behalf of your dd, who has no voice in the matter. Please consider that.

However you take it, the advice here is for you to cope with your issues.
Maybe a little honesty and humility on your part would go a long way in just identifying specific issues you are having...and then you may find meaningful solutions. Huffing off because you don't like what you read for its tone or word choice seems immature. Just saying.

Do you know that when an adult becomes a parent, then the world isn't all about the adult anymore?

That means you can't always get what you want when you want it. If you need sex, then the self-service route would seem the appropriate avenue until you get your head sorted about the purpose and administration of personal boundaries.

Yes, Posh, that goes 24/7/365.

for the DD involved in this mess.

You need counselling.

I feel for your child, tbh.

'Pedophile'
spelling, spelling...

SenoritaViva and Dittany are perfectly compassionately expressing to you what is ringing alarm bells with this relationship. Listen to them.

FioFio etc - I'm always harsher on my own class. I expect better from them What's the point in being 'posh' if you're not superior in some way?

Your poor daughter :(

Until you learn to set some boundaries with men, then you will always leave yourself open to this kind of scenario.

You are a mother first and foremost, and sex, a relationship and everything else should always come second to that.
Any decent bloke will feel the same.

I am actually speechless that you've let a man who you have known a month be on bedtime story terms with your DD. If you cannot respect yourself enough to set boundaries on your own behalf, then at least develop enough of a spine to set some to protect your child.

I don't get what he's done wrong?

(sorry)

PSM: Yes I was a bit blunt in my post to you but that's because you have repeatedly posted about your desperation for a man and this clingy, whyiny, needy state of mind is fucking you up. You need to get it sorted before you date again, as at the moment you are putting off the nice guys and making yourself a magnet for arseholes.

PSM, I'm not saying this to be bitchy, but because I hope that you see sense and change the script. You're not going to hear what you want to hear because the reality of your situation is so patently clear for all to see. I have read this and other threads of yours on here over the past few months and I'm afraid you do come across as a bit desperate.

I can't understand your reasoning for letting your DD get attached to a random stranger you met in a club only a month ago. And you know it's not normal or accurate for him to be declaring love after less than 4 weeks right?

I honestly think you should spend a good amount of time being single, re-estabilshing your boundaries and concentrating on your DD instead of subjecting her to whichever bloke you currently 'fancy a shag' with.

There are ways of getting your needs met without having to drag your DD into your pseudo relationships with relative strangers.

cumbria81 - I see your point; he has not exactly done anything to denote 'arsehole' exactly.

But, the OP has history and some issues of desperately wanting a man. I think posters are concerned she has found someone who has seen her vunerability and is playing on this.

Some of the oddities are:

declaring love (within a month, although this IS possible from normal people - the OP states she 'doesn't believe him')
posters are concerned that he has thrown himself in with the DD too much and will use this as leverage (seen many times sadly on MN, however, the man could simply be utterly naive)
posters are concerned that he is now using her internet - not that this is a problem but over using it and that within 1 month of going out it should still be that exciting stage
that the OP has said that he is 'too full on'
that the OP has since said he bulldozed his way in to her and DD's life

I think that's a balanced view of it - I'm sure I've probably missed a few

SV - that's the thing isn't it? He doesn't sound naive to me, I suspect he knows precisely what he's doing. Once you have the other person begging then you've definitely got the upper hand!

The 'in love' right away isn't bad in itself, but he isn't behaving like a man in love.

DH told me he loved me after 5 days and asked me to marry him. 6.5 years, 1 DS and an 8-month bump later we are blissfully happy. I think I would just about class DH as a 'normal' person

While I think PSM shouldn't have let her daughter meet this man - and I doubt very much she will come back to this thread - I knew after two months that I loved my boyfriend. We have now been together for 15 years and married for 11.

OMG please can we try not to turn yet another thread into a case study for bullying...
I hate the name calling, do people have to insult the OP?
I agree with the majority of posters but I think if we all said it in a civilised manner, without insults and name calling, we would have a much better impact and possibly be able to change OP's mind much more effectively.
And OP, yes, if you ask, I do think you should take it a lot easier if not dump the guy...

DH told me he loved me after 5 days

Which is as long as I'd known my wife of 15 yrs before we moved in together (there was nowhere else for her to stay anyway), so it does happen and it's not always 'red flag'.

Mind you there were no children involved and this does seem to be the big issue here.

I don't think you're deranged or any of that, possibly easily swayed. If a man was buying presents for my children after such a short period of time my guard would be up. You said it feels wrong, so somewhere inside you aren't comfortable with it, listen to your instincts. And yes, dump him.

How cockblinded do you have to be to let this rubbish be going on after a month?

Sort yourself out before something bad happens.

i haven't seen your posts before so im not judging on any past history.

i simply dont understand why you'd let your dd meet a boyfriend of yours after 1 month. Especially if at the start (1 week? 2 weeks?) you were only in it for sex so you knew he wouldnt be around long.

If you can't afford babysitting as many of us can't, simply see him after your dd is in bed and get rid the next morning before she gets up.

TryingVeryHard - I don't think this has all been bullying, although some strong opinions and some could possibly have been put more delicately (which I don't believe Mumsnet is known for!)

I hope OP (if you are still around) you haven't felt I have bullied; I have revisited this post a few times today and tried to give a balanced un-bullying opinion. Sadly I do think that you have some self esteem issues that you need to sort out and I think that a number of mumsnetters feel that you have made a grave error in allowing your daughter to be exposed to a new man so soon. If in all this, this is a lesson learnt then next time you find someone you could stick to this rule? As others say, if you cannot find a babysitter then have then come and go whilst DD is in bed.

I think if know deep down that this isn't quite right and so I hope it doesn't drag out for you and get worse as it will be harder to extricate yourself, and most importantly your daughter.