So fed up with DH

[Ieattoomuchcake]

I have a 10mo DD. DH has always had bonding issues with her. Even when I was pregnant he seemed to chop and change his mind re whether he was happy about it. Then she was prem and poorly which didn't help.

Anyway my latest issue is the way he speaks to me in front of DD. We've spoken about it before, but this morning he said to me 'shut up you're talking nonsense'. I asked him to not say that to me in front of her. Response was something like 'why not? You are talking nonsense just like your f-ing mother does'.

I said that DD will be talking soon (which I think is an exaggeration), and that she will certainly understand us (which I think is more likely to be true).

He then said if I didn't like it I should f- off and take DD with me. Then said 'no I'll go' and stormed off to work shouting 'I hope you have a shit day'.

He forgot his wallet so came back in for it. When he came back in DD beamed at him and he ignored her and I said 'oh look she's smiling at you', meaning that he should acknowledge her. He said 'I don't give a flying f-' and left.

I feel like I'd be a crap mum to let DD grow up in a house like this. This is a more extreme incident but not out of character.
I am not the most decisive or confident and I just feel all in a pickle.

I don't think I'm overreacting in thinking DD shouldn't grow up with this?

Neither your DD or you should live in a house with a man like that. If you think this mornings incident is not out of character, and usual behaviour I would be worried. It must be very hard for you, if you have lived with behaviour like that since DD was born. Has he always been like this with you? Do you think he could learn to bond with your DD?

:-( No, DD shouldn't grow up with that, but just as to the point, nor should you have to put up with that. It sounds awful. If your DH is regularly like that then you should look at all your options very carefully. It sounds like he has no respect whatsoever for you which is not a good place to be. Is his dismissive and offensive treatment of you new, or has he been like this a while?

I have never before been a "cut and run" poster but that is my instinctive reaction here unless this is a very very temporary phase caused by extenuating circumstances (like DH losing his job yesterday or something) and is followed by a sincere apology.

Easier said than done though. Are you on ML?

Why are you with him? Serious question. What are his redeeming qualities? He must have some as from the above he just sounds utterly odious. No way he should talk to you like that, whether or not your DD is there.

Taking your DD out of the equation he should not speak to you that way particularly as matter of conversational course. Did he speak to you that way prior to DD being born? No one should have to put up with being spoken to like that. Where's the respect?

What Fooffy said

Hi all. Thanks for replying. Yes he has always spoken this way on and off. We've been together for 12 years, since I was 17!!

I feel like such an idiot at times for being with him, but I do know that he loves me.

Redeeming features - when he's in the right mood he can be very supportive. He's generous to a fault, by which I mean helping folk out practically and emotionally (though if I'm totally honest his financial generosity doesn't go amiss). He makes me laugh. He stands up for me when I am being a wuss (I'm not the most confident so tend to let people walk all over me).

I'm aware that the last statement maybe needs some adjusting but DD is kicking off so must dash

No you are bloody not overeacting! What a twat!

You and your daughter deserve much better. An odious man with no respect for either of you. She's going to have a very troubled and difficult childhood if he continues in this vein as she grows up.

when he's in the right mood he can be very supportive.

Not good enough, sorry. A good husband should be supportive all the time, not just when it suits him!

Are you happy in your relationship? I mean I know that there will always be niggles and ups and downs but are you emotionally happy?

The last post speaks volumes in that you have been with him since you were barely more than a child.

this phrase

"He stands up for me when I am being a wuss (I'm not the most confident so tend to let people walk all over me). "

I can't help ending it with "unless he's the one doing the walking".

I am getting a feeling of child/adult dynamic in your relationship which is why it may have come to this point. You need to assess whether you are happy to remain with this imbalance or whether you want to redress the balance and be equals.

I find his emotional removal from your DD worrying though. She will picking this up in waves, now never mind when she walking, talking and can comprehend more.

Sorry pressed post too soon.

You are an adult with choices. She is relying on you to make the important choices for her. Unless you think that DH can redeem himself and become a loving and emotionally involved Father ( I have my doubts but it's not my relationship) then you might need to consider a better environment for her.

Is he older than you?

dietstartstomoz I really don't know if he can/will learn to bond with her. We've had a few 'false starts' where I've thought he's getting there but he really doesn't seem that fussed. He doesn't dislike her or anything, he's just not all that keen to spend time with her other than 'to help me'

notpythagoras yes I am still on ML. Going back in a couple of months.

I feel quite guilty and mean presenting DH like this to others. I don't think he's a bad person at all. I just feel strongly that I want DD to have a healthy childhood. And also since having her I've realised I don't want her to model her own future relationships on mine and DHs current relationship.

Sorry x posted.

I really don't know how I feel. Not much help is it??!!
He is a little over five years older than me so when we got together I was 17 almost 18 and he had just turned 23.

I think DD is ok at the moment as DH works a lot so doesn't actually see her that much, and she has lots if very loving people in her life. But yes I think I may have some hard decisions to make to secure the best future for her.

I've always thought that the best future for any child would involve their parents staying together but perhaps not. My parents divorced when I was five and my mum says she could have forgiven my dad a lot if he had been an involved father. As it was he was emotionally detached and worked a lot (pattern??)

I feel such a wally for having a child first then thinking of leaving DH. Like I shouldn't have brought her into this (not that I'd be without her, or wish I hadn't had her - I really do adore her)

My parents stayed together. They should have split up. I am still getting help because of that.

It sounds like the times your 'D'H is nice do not in any way make up for the times he is horrible. Would you want him speaking to your DD like this when she is a little older and can understand him fully? Do you want him snarling at her when she wants a cuddle?
He sounds truly awful and I would not want my child in the same house as him seeing the aggressive and disrespectful behaviour he is displaying.
If he is living elsewhere he will show his true colours- either he'll step away, remain uninvolved and distance himself. Or he'll realise he has a child and try and be a good dad (being a good husband now out of the picture).

This dickhead has always wanted you to be his 'inferior', his property, his pet. He doesn;'t see you as an adult human being at all. The reason he's being vile now is because you have a more important priority - your lovely DD - than indulging his whims and feeding his ego.
Unfortunately it's very common for worthless men to show their true colours when the first baby comes along (even if they agreed to have DC, even if it was the man's idea in the first place).

"He stands up for me when I am being a wuss (I'm not the most confident so tend to let people walk all over me). "

You have been with him your entire adult life. Do you think you are not confident because he has made you that way?

Just want to clarify I would never put myself amongst the 'bin the bastard' brigade. Certainly not as a knee jerk reaction to a post.

However, now removing yourself from the equation and looking to the future for your DD unless you see him having the ability to.. well.. change, then you might have to consider changing her home environment.

do you want her first word to be "f&ck"??

think practically who in RL you could go to, stay with - even for a few days.

so you can say "i am not prepared to be talked to like this. one more time and i leave with DD" - so that you can actually mean it and follow thru.

get a bag with money, documents etc change of clothes for her.

see a solicitor about your rights and entitlement, should you leave him.

get informed.

if he realises he stands to lose you adn DD then either 1. he will apologise and really show he means to change - you could offer to go to Relate with him
or

1. he will just get worse and start threatening what he will do to you /dd if you leave him

or

1. he might say F' off then

or
4. he might leave himself as he has threatened (best thing i'd say but it really happens like that....unless he has a better offer elsewhere...)

decide for yourself and DD you no longer want to live like this.

speak to HV / GP/ womens aid.

get informed and think practical -so you can be strong and tell him you wont put up with this. and mean your ultimatum and be able to follow thru.

you have DD now to think of.

it rarely happens like that

Thanks everybody.
I've been thinking it through today and I don't think it's an option that I raise her in this environment, if things stay as they are.

I'm going to tell him it's not on, suggest relate, I thought also I might suggest a trial separation so we can both decide what we really want, and he can decide if he cares enough to change.

I can't believe I'm saying all these things. But I feel surprisingly calm about it.

I suspect his response might be 'ok on you go then'. But I guess that speaks volumes.

Anyway thanks all for your support. No doubt I'll be back at some point!

Actually I wouldn't do Relate at this point.

He hasn't bonded with the baby - it was obviously a risk with the way he was talking before she was born.

If you try to talk about it, you are distancing yourself from today's event.

Act now. Pack a bag for him and tell him he'll have to find himself somewhere to stay for the next few months. Say that neither you nor the baby deserve to be ill treated and that he has to go.

Phone your family and tell them. Try to get someone to stay with you for a few days.

If you don't act now, you will soften towards him and this will happen again and again.

Isn't Relate for when you both want the relationship to improve?

I don't think that I know yet whether or not he wants the relationship to work. I thought that if I suggest relate (knowing that it's not really his sort of thing, if you know what I mean?) then either he will come to counselling and really make an effort to change. Or else if he doesn't care enough then he'll tell me to sod off, he's not going to counselling.

So this way I feel like I'm giving him one last chance.

I find it all really sad as I do love him and I know he will be hurt if I leave. But I dont think that's a good enough reason to stay, unless he buckles down.

really well done for your decision OP. you are being very brave.

perhaps if he is willing to acknowledge his behaviour is wrong and take ownership of that and change things it will work out. it's a very big if though and the vast majority of abusers don't seem able to do this so please be strong and stick to your guns and leave if he isn't open to change.

and if the suggestion of a break escalates things (which it could do) then be prepared to get out fairly quickly.

it sounds like you have being putting up with abusive behaviour and attitude from him for a while but maybe the realisation of your daughter being exposed to this is enough to make you appreciate it's not okay.

i wish you all the best.