So fed up with DH

[Ieattoomuchcake]

I have a 10mo DD. DH has always had bonding issues with her. Even when I was pregnant he seemed to chop and change his mind re whether he was happy about it. Then she was prem and poorly which didn't help.

Anyway my latest issue is the way he speaks to me in front of DD. We've spoken about it before, but this morning he said to me 'shut up you're talking nonsense'. I asked him to not say that to me in front of her. Response was something like 'why not? You are talking nonsense just like your f-ing mother does'.

I said that DD will be talking soon (which I think is an exaggeration), and that she will certainly understand us (which I think is more likely to be true).

He then said if I didn't like it I should f- off and take DD with me. Then said 'no I'll go' and stormed off to work shouting 'I hope you have a shit day'.

He forgot his wallet so came back in for it. When he came back in DD beamed at him and he ignored her and I said 'oh look she's smiling at you', meaning that he should acknowledge her. He said 'I don't give a flying f-' and left.

I feel like I'd be a crap mum to let DD grow up in a house like this. This is a more extreme incident but not out of character.
I am not the most decisive or confident and I just feel all in a pickle.

I don't think I'm overreacting in thinking DD shouldn't grow up with this?

Ieattoomuchcake - i think your feelings are totally understandable. it's very hard to fully take on the fact you are being abused and to accept that and name that and then take action on it. i can completely identify with your need to take time to recognise it.

OP, I am you in 5yrs time.

Except I am 43, so DS will be my only child, he was 5 in December.

My 'H' just left last week. I should have left him years ago, I should never have had a child with him. He never bothered really with DS, did none of the work involved, if DS plays up, 'H' told ME off!

If I could somehow show you what a few years of being spoken to like that will do to you, you will know what to do before the week is out. This guy is a controlling twat, an abuser and a bully, he will never ever get any better and if you let him go on, when you do finally have to say enough is enough he could actually get physical.

You are young, you have your life ahead of you and you do not deserve to be spoken to like that. Your daughter will learn all she thinks she needs to know about men from him, so she will seek out men that treat her the same way he treats you.

is that OK with you?

I ended my relationship because I would die if I ever thought my DS would treat a woman the way his dad treats me.

DS and I are doing OK, early days, but we ought to be fine.

OP please contact Women's Aid immediately. Even if you don't feel up to leaving just yet speak to them. They will listen to you and take things at your pace, they will also give you advice on the practical side of things.

WA will help you take it at your own pace but be aware that abusive men very often have a kind of radar which allows them to detect that you have seen through them. Your H may become surprisingly nice for a little while but he will then do something horrible and blame you for it, the aim being to mess with your head and make you feel that if you would only be a 'proper woman' ie obedient and submissive it would be nice all the time. IT WON'T. It's not in the abusive man's interest to be nice in the long run, he needs you to remain aware that displeasing or disobeying him has Bad Consequences.
It's not really possible to change an abusive man. The odds of changing an abusive man into a nice decent loving partner are about the same as the odds of being shot in the head and surviving - yes it does happen but it's not very likely that it's going to.