So fed up with DH

[Ieattoomuchcake]

I have a 10mo DD. DH has always had bonding issues with her. Even when I was pregnant he seemed to chop and change his mind re whether he was happy about it. Then she was prem and poorly which didn't help.

Anyway my latest issue is the way he speaks to me in front of DD. We've spoken about it before, but this morning he said to me 'shut up you're talking nonsense'. I asked him to not say that to me in front of her. Response was something like 'why not? You are talking nonsense just like your f-ing mother does'.

I said that DD will be talking soon (which I think is an exaggeration), and that she will certainly understand us (which I think is more likely to be true).

He then said if I didn't like it I should f- off and take DD with me. Then said 'no I'll go' and stormed off to work shouting 'I hope you have a shit day'.

He forgot his wallet so came back in for it. When he came back in DD beamed at him and he ignored her and I said 'oh look she's smiling at you', meaning that he should acknowledge her. He said 'I don't give a flying f-' and left.

I feel like I'd be a crap mum to let DD grow up in a house like this. This is a more extreme incident but not out of character.
I am not the most decisive or confident and I just feel all in a pickle.

I don't think I'm overreacting in thinking DD shouldn't grow up with this?

Not sure I'm that brave. I've not done it yet!!
He's still not home from work yet and I'm starting to get more anxious.

I think I've painted an overly bad picture of him. I really don't think it's abuse. But it is unacceptable behaviour.

Ieattoomuchcake.....it is abuse. but you need to realise that for yourself.

Shit. I completely messed that up.

He came home and I basically said the way he spoke this morning wasn't acceptable, I wasn't willing to put up with it and said either we work on our relationship and go to relate or I would leave.

He initially said it was my fault he spoke the way he did because I provoked him. I said that I didn't think I had provoked him but even if I did it still wasn't acceptable for him to speak to me that way especially in front of DD. And I said his hurtful it was that when he came back in and she smiled at him he didn't even acknowledge her and just spat some more abuse at me.

Anyway to cut a long story short he has made ms feel mean for threatening to leave. He has said he won't go to relate but that if I provoke him in future he will draw it to my attention outwith DDs earshot and in a nicer way.

I feel so crap. And to make matters worse I feel anxious telling you all about it because I think you will all judge me. I certainly think I need a self confidence injection!!

Oh FFS what a wanker this man is. I understand why you wanted to give him the option of going to Relate, but what he says makes it clear that he still considers himself your boss/owner and thinks he is entitled to reprimand and punish you.
His definition of you 'provoking' him is you asking him not to speak rudely and unkindly to you. SO what he's saying is 'Shut the fuck up, bitch, you are not allowed to criticize me in any way, know your place.'

Pack your bag, my lovely. This man will only get worse.

See I now feel like I've made a mountain out of a molehill.
I was so fired up and then he just made me feel stupid for making such a big thing out of what happened this morning.

He said that if I was going to leave I would already have done so.
And he said he'd really started to bond with DD over the past two months (since we last had a big chat about his bonding issues).

This is so hard. I almost wish he'd hit me or have an affair so I would have a concrete reason to go.
I know that sounds bad and I'm really sorry to people going through abuse, affairs etc. But I just feel like I need a better reason to leave.

I'm having coffee tomorrow with a good RL friend who I'm hoping will give me some advice and hand holding.

OP please leave asap. He's emotionally abusing you and the talk about you provoking him is a huge red flag. You've been with him for 12? years and in that time he's ground you down, got you doubting yourself.

For yours and your dd's sake please leave him.

I work in the charity sector and recently attended a training day where a lady from the local Women's Refuge came to give a talk.

She explained to us what emotional abuse is, and it's everything you've said in your posts, OP.

You sound like a really lovely person and a fantastic mother. I reckon the best possible thing you could do for your DD would be to leave him.

The Citizens Advice Bureau can give you lots of info re benefits, money, divorce etc and is a good place to start for some general advice about practicalities.

All the best.

I've just read through your upshot of the conversation you had when he came home - basically he said it was your fault for provoking him, you're mean to consider leaving, and if you "provoke" him again he'll do you the kindness of chastising you out of your daughters earshot. So in a nutshell, all your fault.

Did he actually apologise to you? Say he would try and curb his temper and language? His attitude to you and your dd is awful. You sound brow-beaten, to be frank. I would seriously, seriously question whether I would want to raise my DD around such a man. Your use of the word "provoke" is telling. We tend to use words/expressions like that relation to things that may do us harm - snakes spring to mind.

Get angry, OP. You and your DD deserve better.

Oh sweetheart you don't need a reason to leave other than 'I don't want to be here'. That is a concrete reason to leave, and if you feel you need to back it up with something, read back over your posts. This man is abusive to you, you have said so even if you didn't use the word.

No one will judge you. We'll just cheer you on.

OP, that's shocking. This relationship isn't going to improve it's just going to get harder.

I had a very similar relationship with my XP. The language wasn't as bad as in your situation but XP did lots of unreasonable things and lied to me incessantly. When I questioned things it was always my fault. I was paranoid apparently. In the end it just ground me down and I ended up very depressed.

I finally summoned up the courage to give him the boot, was on my own for three years then met my wonderful DH. I now realise how shockingly bad my previous relationship was. My DH is supportive, kind, never speaks down to me or turns the tables on me to put me on a guilt trip. He was a revelation.

I would tell DH of yours that you are leaving him and just do it. Don't go back. He will soon find someone else to use as a punchbag.

Listen to what all these very wise and experienced people are saying. You are being manipulated into thinking you have a problem, whereas the reality is that this man makes you feel rotten about yourself.

The thing that made me snap in a similar situation was sitting in a cafe hearing the Midge Ure song that went something like "If I was a soldier, captive arms I'd lay before her. I suddenly realised with a jolt that if we were on a sinking ferry or suchlike, DH would save himself but never save me, and there would always be some excuse or other. He would never put me first in a month of Sundays.

I am now happily married to someone else and when I hear the Proclaimers "When I wake up, I gonna be the man I am because of you. When I'm earning, I'm bringing every penny back for you" and so on (forget the exact words). In terms of walking 1000 miles, DH would certainly walk to London, Paris, New York or even Australia to find me if he had to, and that is what a marriage is supposed to be about. If you haven't got that, you are selling yourself very very short, and you can do a lot better.

Don't go through any more hurt. You do not have to feel bad about yourself with this controlling, mean minded man.

" he spoke the way he did because I provoked him" this is very classic abuse - as was said.
it is not your fault. yes i know it is hard to get your mind set aorund "this man is abusing me = but he is....

"I said 'oh look she's smiling at you', meaning that he should acknowledge her. He said 'I don't give a flying f-' "

how is you saying "she is smiling" enough to provoke verbal abuse?

it amkes mo sense.

keep talking to your friends.

Ieattoomuchcake - no one is here to judge you. i think we all just want what is best for you - even though we don't know you. it is very difficult to set boundaries with an abuser. in fact you can't. as you are finding out.

you seem to think you have made a mountain out of a molehill but believe me you haven't. the fact that you think this is trivial is all to do with your lack of self esteem and his manipulation as an abuser. as you say, no matter what you did you did not deserve to be spoken to like that. i understand you might find it hard to leave at the moment even though we might all say it's the best thing to do.

why don't you just be mindful of what he has said. let's see if he can really keep that rule and not insult you if he feels 'provoked' (his definition, not the reality - would you ever lash out to him in the way he has to you even though he is being far more 'provoking'?)

try to stay calm in all your dealings from now on and know that you can always come on here to get some sanity when he is trying to manipulate things to look like your fault.

Absolutely classic manipulation and abuse, OP. Can you look into getting Relate counselling just for yourself? Or counselling from elsewhere if necessary.

And have a look on Amazon for "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You are NOT making a mountain out of a molehill. You deserve so much better than this - and so does your DD.

You can't reason with him or negotiate or get him to understand your point of view. You've got to take a long hard look at your situation, and decide what the best thing is for your DD. For what it's worth, I'm on the "leave him now" bench.

He sounds awful, I would absolutely not tolerate being spoken to like that by anyone! It's not just a case of inappropriate language in front of your DD either - my DP tends to swear 'casually' in conversation which I don't think is particularly nice, and he's going to have to get out of the habit when we have a child. But he would never swear at me IYSWIM or speak to me in a disrespectful or hurtful way. Very worrying that he seems so cold and unpleasant towards your little girl as well.

Good for you for realising this is unacceptable and starting to do something about it. I could have predicted he'd try to turn things around on you, and claim you 'provoked' him or it's your fault he behaves the way he does. Don't have any of it. He's an adult and he's responsible for his own words and actions, absolutely classic tactic (you'd think they'd come up with something more original from time to time!).

You're always going to be the one blamed for everything......

He is abusive.

Thank you everybody.

I'm afraid the reality is I'm not leaving immediately. I'm too hung up on where would I go etc.

I do think it might be useful for me to get some counselling just myself, if for no other reason than to sort out how I feel about everything.

I spoke to my friend today and she said I shouldn't do anything immediately. I should get together a running away fund, look into renting a flat on a six month lease, and wait till I'm back at work so I have an income. I go back to work in two months.

I can also take stock over the next few weeks and mentally record any behaviour which I think isn't acceptable. I still kind of need to justify to myself that leaving is right. No idea if that makes sense.

You have all been lovely and supportive. I'm just having a hard time getting my head round this all. The behaviour has been Happening on and off for as long as I remember. Definitely 9-10 years. So it's taking a bit to get my head round the fact it's not acceptable.

Well, knowledge is power. Get yourself onto the entitledto website (can't remember the full address); also Women's Aid; read the book that has been recommended; get a savings fund sorted and also take photocopies of all important documents and keep them somewhere safe AWAY from your house.

HTH.

How about your child tho?

Ok for you to decideto wait/put up with it/accept it....... But what about her?

I think what your friend says has a lot of sense to it - but I do think you need to do more for yourself too.

I honestly think it would be worth your while seeing a counsellor, not a marriage one, but just one who will listen to you. It doesn't sound like anyone listens to you in your marriage. It sounds like you get told what to think and like you say - you lack confidence. These are all things a good counsellor will help you with.

You are being very strong even looking at moving out, so don't put yourself down.

dont just mentally record any behaviour which I think isn't acceptable

keep a log/diary and write it down (or send emails to yourself

Your friend is completely correct.

Kick him in the bollocks !

Speaking to you like that is No-no

Swearing infront of your DD is a no-no

being indifferent to his own child is a no-no