What should I do? very long

[enthusia]

I have been with my husband for 15 years, we met at school and now have two young children.

About 9 months ago my husband said he just didn't feel it anymore. This was news to me as we have always been incredibly close.

6 years ago my parents ran into financial difficulties, we helped them out but this left us with debts.

My husband loves work and always wants to be the best at what he does. This means he works 6 days a week from 7-7.

My parents started working with me in my business to help pay the debt in terms of time rather than money. However this meant they saw more of the children than my husband did.

When my husband came out and told me he was unhappy and some of the reasons I put our house on the market, to clear the debt, and stopped my parents working with me.

My husband has said that I am perfect and that none of this is my fault but that he is a stranger in his own home and to pay the debt he needs to work so hard.

However this has been going on for a while now and I know that my husband could get a job being paid more doing less hours but he doesn't want to as it is a lesser rank, i can understand this but my parents are not his reason to work then.

He demonises my parents as if they wanted this, when actually they have been left in a less than nice situation which they are making better all by themselves. They haven't asked for money in 6 years.

My husband says he wants to leave to see if he can be happier elsewhere but our house won't sell so he can't.

I said I couldn't cuddle etc then becuase if it is over I need to deal with it and cuddles etc give me hope. However he constantly wants them and has lovely evenings with me.

We have now started arguing more on his days off and he has started saying nasty things such as he is so bored with me and has been for a year and that today, when I caught him looking at some other women, I noticed that one had caught his eye when I asked him he said she certainly had and that it was none of my business. When I said that hurt me he told me to grow up and stop ruining his day.

I am so confused. When we are together cuddling it feels so right, he pays me compliments and it feels like it is getting bcak to normal. Then it will all go down hill again.

He is not a bad man, he has always been lovely and caring, although has always been a workaholic. He is now miserable at times, andhis mood swings are quite dramatic. He seems to see the kids as an inconvenience at times and flies off the handle very quickly, considering he only sees them one day a week.

When I ask him about us he says it is all over and he wants to move out, but if I withold ccuddles etc he doesn't understand and either pleads or gets irritated with me.

He wants to live in a flat but stay here when he looks after the children and me stay in the flat, he would like us to still be best of friends and to still have movie nights and for me to accompany him to work dos etc. He hasn't told anyone at work and hates anyone knowing about it at all.

What do I do, I am so confused? I love him, I want him, but I keep getting hurt and am getting real mixed messages constantly.

How do I get through this until the house sells?

Anyone been in a similar situation?

By 'cuddles'do you mean sex? I hope not, as your self esteem must be very low to be having sex with a mand who is treating you this way.

I think you need to be firm - either you are a couple (admittedly having a bad time) or you are not. If you are not, then he needs to leave, end all 'cuddling', tell people and leave you free to heal your hurt and maybe, eventually meet someone else.

He is behaving unreasonably - it is not fair to you for him to have it both ways, and I think you know this.

yikes. That is pretty unfair of him. He is giving you mixed signals big time.

I agree with the idea of asking him to make up his mind. But for a different opinion check out this article theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him

I can relate to the issue of feeling stuck with the house not selling. But it sounds like if the house sold he would be out of there quick as a flash.

You have the right to put your foot down. Unfortunately it looks like he is willing to continue to hurt you with mixed messages.

He can't have his cake and eat it too with regards to you still coming to work dos etc. That's a bit bizarre in my opinion. If he is dumping you he should get on with it so you can build him out of your life.

Nobody deserves to be strung along like this.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds really hard

Sounds like a shocking situation to me, and he is, as the others have said, being utterly unfair to you. It's all about what he wants - not what you want or what is fair for the family as a whole.

He needs to sort it out. Tell him he has to move out - go to a friend's, his parents, a B&B or something, just get out. Then he can see whether or not that is actually what he wants before you go to the extreme of selling the family home.

Stop having the cuddles - he cannot treat you like this and then expect you to make it all better for him whenever he bloody well feels like it - you're not his mother!

As for telling you that his roving eye is none of your business - well how very bloody rude. Actually, it IS your business as you are married and you are entitled to know if he plans on having sex with someone else for your own health.

Frankly, stop being a doormat to his wishes - make him decide one way or another, stop letting him keep one foot in each camp until he decides which way to jump.

here is elephant's link - happy it worked for the lady involved! It might work for you too if you can stand it. If you can't, tell him to move out.

Rather than discussing with him the issues you have with him when he is doing things like looking at other women, I would suggest discussing his hypocrisy when he is trying to cuddle.
If it is over, you must act like it is, even if you still live together ( you could therefore look at other men too!).
Otherwise, if it is not over and he is just trying to make you jealous with his wandering eye, then you both need to commit to working at making it work.
As others have said, he should not have his cake and eat it too, but currently it appears you are letting him.
Tough situation, and marriages are worth saving, but only if you both want to save it. Good luck

He wants to live in a flat but stay here when he looks after the children and me stay in the flat, he would like us to still be best of friends and to still have movie nights and for me to accompany him to work dos etc

And he gets to screw around, but also you should preferably keep putting out on demand. Nice to be him.

I don't understand why you stopped your parents working with you, but perhaps it's not the point. What's the plan if the house sells? Where will you go? Does he want shared custody? Selling the house seems at odds with his desire to go live in a flat and then come stay at the house; does he want you to keep the house, then?

Lots of questions, but I'm trying to understand what will actually happen if you formalise the split. Because that's really what you have to do.

Thank you everyone for your posts.

Elephant that article hit the nail on the head!

My husband has changed so much in such a short amount of time, I have been doing a lot of what was said in the article already but have found the 'not getting hurt' bit difficult. I just need to stop overanalysing and continue I think.

The cuddles are just that cuddles, he wants to cuddle at night to get to sleep and in the morning when we wake up. He likes me to rub his back, play with his hair all as normal.

When I asked him to leave when we had a hurtful incident he wouldn't, he said he had nowhere to go, wouldn't go to his parents, we haven't the money for a b&b and wouldn't kip with someone from work because he doesn't want to tell anyone.

I really don't think he wants this but feels trapped!

It is like living with someone with a split personality! I see my old husband in there battling to get out!

We need to sell the house to pay the debts, they are trapping us and making it hard to live from month to month, we survive rather than live.

I asked my parents to stop working with me as I could see DH point about them seeing the kids more than him and him not being the man of the house but my Dad being it. I work from home so Dad was doing the 'bloke' stuff becuase my dh was never here.

All my freinds also think I am being walked over but I just don't see it like that. I did start to wonder yesterday, hence the post as I just didn't feel strong enough to carry on but that article has really helped.

I just need to learn to duck the pain more!!!

All the way through this I have said that I don't want to be the person who makes the decision how this is sorted out. It is not my situation, it is his and he needs to sort it out not me. I think he is looking for me to solve it, to kick him out maybe. But I refuse to, he created this situation, he needs to solve it.

I just need to hold on.

Am going to print that article and read it daily. I need something to keep me going.

Enthusia - just one more piece of advice then - do NOT let him see the article. It will be utterly counterproductive.

Do you have a spare room? If not, can you create one? Because if he wants out, you need to stop sharing a bed. He needs to get used to you not looking after him - and you need to stop doing it. If he won't sleep in the spare room, then you will have to (although he should be the one to move of course). He needs to feel the impact of what he is doing to you, IMO.

I was thinking that this morning, but am not sure.

That is the issue, I am not sure what to do for the best.

If I push him away I am making the decision for him, and a decision I do not want.

If I stay with him as I am I get hurt.

To make a spare room I would need to put the kids in together and do some furniture swapping but it is possible. However, my DH is very stubborn, he would see it as my decision and not let on that it was hurting him. He needs to make the decision and see its affect!

What a mess! I really never saw this coming, we have been together since we were 15, grown up together, been the 'only one' for each other, lived around the world together, fought together through some really rough times, had some truly wonderful times and made two gorgeous children!

It is not just me he has 'dropped' he isn't speaking to his friends or family either. None of his friends know, and he has stopped contacting them. His parents know and are completely supporting me, but he won't talk to them about it at all.

Before all this DH would speak to EVERYONE before making a decision, it used to be a standing joke that we couldn't move without consulting his friends and family, but about this he says he doesn't need and is not interested in anyone elses opinion.

I have wondered whether he is having a breakdown but he is ok at work. He says work is the only thing that makes sense and he would live there if he could. But then when it is going wrong at work he wants my support. But he wants to please work so much, he drops everything for work, and always puts everyone else second!

aaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!

Will definitely keep article away from him, that wouldn't help.

Hi there, I feel very much for your situation.

However, if you allow him the parts of the relationship he likes (cuddles etc) then you run the risk that he will talk you into this 'best of both worlds' life. that would just cause you continued pain.

I am also concenred that he seems to blame your parents for what appears to be his problems. The debt seems to be an excuse for not seeing his family when he is a workoholic anyway. You have said he could work less if this was the important thing to him. It isn't.

With your parents giving up their role in your family, has your husband stepped up and taken over?

i would kick him out and let him learn the hard way what he would be losing. Yu deserve a better relationship than the one he is currently offfering you.

sorry, hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I am just worried that, in trying to preserve what you used to have, you will end up stuck in this half way house.

I really think you need to set very clear boundaries that he doesn't cross unless it is to come back properly. and that this decision should not be arrived at accidently but after you have worked this through.

The trouble with that article, I think, is that it doesn't go into enough detail about how she dealt with the "intimacies" of life - what she did about sleeping arrangements etc.

You are already hurting - that much is obvious. You don't want to lose your marriage - that is also obvious BUT it is allowing him to treat you as irrelevant to his happiness, his decision, his life.

I do have a rather punitive attitude, which probably won't help you - but I firmly believe that people should not be able to get away with treating you like this. And he is - completely. :(

So has anything changed now your parents are not helping you out? How would you feel about letting them back in?

My parents now 'help' out in a more grandparent way, so my mum sees the kids twice a week and helps with a few bits and my Dad sometimes at weekends, it is working quite well. I feel more in control of my life as well which is good. So that decision also benefitted me.

I can understand all of what you are saying it all makes perfect sense, before all of this I would probably have been saying similar things.

What I really want is the house to sell and then for my DH to make his decision. I am very aware that he may ( and probably will )go, and that does not scare me anymore. I think he needs to go, he needs to decide what he really wants. But me pushing him is not him deciding, he will always have someone else to blame if it doesn't turn out right. I want him to want me, not to stay with me because I begged him etc.

I think that is the heart of the problem, he needs to decide and he isn't.

He does want me to find and decorate his new flat too, which I flatly refused to do. If he wants a new life he has to build it, it wiull be his life, it won't be mine.

Give this whining selfish tosser a time limit - say another month? After which he either starts behaving properly or he can piss off.
WHile I can see some merits in the article linked to, I am not sure it would do a woman's self respect any good to follow the recommendations. And I don't like the way your H seems keen to isolate you, either.

Just read your last post - this man wants you to be his 'mummy; ie service him domestically and emotionally while he looks for sex with other women. DOn';t let him make the family and your life all about him.

I agree with the fact he wants me to look after him, but the sex thing I don't. He has never looked at another woman in 15 years. We joke about people we like and have always been very open but he really doesn't like the idea of having sex with another person. Think that was why him looking at another woman yesterday was so strange. Usually he would say, she's pretty isn't she and we would discuss her merits and vice a versa but this was different. He has already said he doesn't want anyone else and that I will find someone easily. It is soooooo out of charcter for him. He has never been like this. Wondered if he was trying to make be jealous for some reason.

Is there any way he can move in with his parents or a friend until you have sold the house.

You sound in a stalemate situation which must be just horrible

I have moved the kids in together and moved into my daughter's room. Am now just waiting for the repercussions when my DH come home. Wish me luck.

I'm sorry but I am speechless - this man is behaving like a total fuckwit.

he tells you that he doesn't love you and wants to see if he can be happier elsewhere but in the meantime he would like you to look after him: Wash his clothes, cook his dinners, stroke his hair to get him to sleep. I assume you are still have sex him - and probably being ridiculously grateful for it.

Please please do not let this man treat you like this. Either he steps up and starts behaving like a decent human being or he takes his chances in the big wide world.

Hello Enthusia, I hope the room move has gone ok. I can kind of understand your point about it being all his decision and as you ultimately want him to stay I guess you have a long term 'game plan' - in other words you are maintaining control of your life as far as you are able. I just hope things turn out the way you want.

Let us know how he took the separate rooms thing, I assume that cuddles etc are no longer on the menu.

Good move in the right direction.

Which ever way this relationship goes, you need to set your boundaries loud and clear or you will lose yourself in this.

How horrible for you, I really feel for you.
You're doing exactly the right thing. Be really strong. You absolutely don't deserve to be treated this way, and I can't imagine what he thinks he's playing at. Sounds like an utter midlife crisis to me.

Thank you all!!

Dh came home and didn't say anything. Politely asked if he was cooking his own dinner and then went for a run.

Feel numb but calm.

Will update you of progress.

Feels like I have an army of support.

Thank you

that's what we are enthusia, and army of support.