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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why is he doing this?

80 replies

wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 17:24

First time post by long time lurker so please bear with me.

Have been with my DPfor 5 months. He is absolutely lovely most of the time. Says he loves me often and that he thinks the world of me ( very different to how exH was)

We spend a lot of time together as we are both single parents.

The problem is we have split a few times during the 5 months over really silly things which have escalated.

All couples have arguments but with him it is always over. He doesn't even argue, just goes stony faced and wont talk if I am with him, or puts the phone down and wont speak if we are on the phone.

Last time( Jan) he also sent abusive texts after he had been drinking. we then didnt have any contact for about 5 days when he sent me an email to tell me that he was thinking of moving away, but wouldnt go if I wanted him to stay.

He then sent a message to me through his mum to say he wanted to apologise so I ended up ringing him.
We were on the phone ages, he sounded almost suicidal and had been drinking.
Tis resulted in him asking if we could see each other again, and I said I would let him know after I had tried to sort things in my head later in the week.

He then started sending emails saying he thought the world of me,couldnt bear to think of loosing me, etc.
We got back together and things have been great..... until yesterday when it all started again.
I said something ( not nasty- just something he didnt agree with me on ) and he put the phone down.

He sent a few texts saying I didnt trust him ( not true- I do )
Now he wont speak to me and I'm devasted.
I love him to bits but why is he treating me like this?
( I know he has been let down badly in the past)
Sorry this is so long, its hard to explain.
What shall I do?

OP posts:
yogididabooboo · 20/02/2011 17:27

if you have already had to split a few times within 5 months then i think you need to call it a day.

at 5 months in you should still be honeymooning, everything should be rosey and you are eager for each others call.

for such large cracks to appear so soon it is very telling.

sorry

EricNorthmansMistress · 20/02/2011 17:28

Why is he treating you like this? Because that's how he treats women he is in a relationship with. After five months I'd say cut your losses, he sounds a nightmare. Is he 12? He has dumped you several times in five months????? To vary a phrase - dump me badly once, shame on you, dump me badly twice, shame on me. You shouldn't be dealing with this shit after five months! (not ever, but certainly not in the honeymoon phase)

When a man tells you what he is like, listen. This man is immature and emotionally abusive.

emmyloopsyloo · 20/02/2011 17:29

Run far, far, far away and stay there.

squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 17:30

What shall I do?

Change your number, send him an email saying you no longer wish to see him and are ending all points of communication.

He is a control freak, and he is mentally abusing you and playing power games.

Can you really imagine living with this person? He will make your life hell.

Run now while you are able to do it quickly and easily. Believe me, you are worth more and will meet someone else who wont behave like this towards you, and is deserving of your love, because this idiot isnt.

BooBooGlass · 20/02/2011 17:31

Why do you want someone like this around your children? ANd why do you feel you're worth no better than this absolute tool?

ImFab · 20/02/2011 17:32

He is doing it because he can.

You deserve better.

A man who can hurt you deliberately is no great partner material.

janiesmum · 20/02/2011 17:37

run forrest, run like the wind

early relationships are about fun, laughter and getting to know each other

not rows and splitting up and abusive texts

mark my words

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/02/2011 17:41

He's doing it because he wants to. Whether he's ating out his own pain or is someone who simply gets off on drama and on bullying, he's a dickhead and you can do better. Just dump him and move on.
If he won't go away, you can take legal action against him. SOmetimes men like this do need to be reported to the police when they won'[t fuck off.

Original poster
wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 17:53

Thanks for all your replies.

You are all saying what my head is telling me. Its just my heart says different as I love him so much.

Most of the time he is lovely but this is just going to happen time and time again isn't it.

If I was looking in on this situation I would be saying the same.

This relationship is never going to work, although I really hoped it would.

I know I need to ignore any calls, texts or emails. Its going to be hard but I have to do it.

The only thing is my sister warned me this would happen ( she knows a bit about his past, but doesn't know him well)
Its going to be hard admitting she was right!

Just gutted and upset a bout it all.

Thanks so much for your time and advice

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 17:55

I am sure your sister will understand. If she didnt care about you, she wouldnt have given you the warning in the first place.

She will just be glad that you have seen sense and will be supportive I bet. :)

Sarsaparilllla · 20/02/2011 17:58

You need to listen to your head, it's telling you the trush :)

He's no good for you, 5 months in shouldn't be this hard, it should be fun, you need to get out of this relationship, it's for the best

PeterAndreForPM · 20/02/2011 17:58

Five months isn't all that much to give up

Best to get out now, before you waste any more time on this joker

Walk away, with a clean break

Don't listen to any more emotional blackmail

Who cares what your sis thinks...should you stay with a plonker like this just to prove her wrong ?

PeterAndreForPM · 20/02/2011 17:59

take care x

you gave it a good go, but you are right, it isn't going to work...not ever

ENormaSnob · 20/02/2011 18:02

Get rid.

Original poster
wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 18:04

Thanks squeakytoy

Haven't told any of my family yet.

My 2 Ds will be back from there Dads soon and the eldest is going out with my sister tomorrow so didn't really want to tell him or her to know yet but he will see I'm upset.

The annoying thing is I hated him after the texts last time and was trying to put the relationship behind me but then he started
contacting me again and being all nice.

I feel I took a step forward and now 10 back as I have to get over the upset and try to forget him.

OP posts:
ImFab · 20/02/2011 18:06

You love him but he doesn't love you. It can't work. New week tomorrow, make it a new start.

Katisha · 20/02/2011 18:07

Do you actually love him or the idea of what he represents - stability, relationship etc?

I think you have had many warning bells - I don't see a good outcome if you stay with him - you will be on eggshells for evermore and he will step up the mind games.

Original poster
wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 18:08

Thanks for all your replies.

I know you are all right.

I know I tried my best and wanted it to work, but its not worth this much grief.

Have never posted before, but often come on here.

You really are all lovely :)

Thanks again

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 20/02/2011 18:08

take care x

Original poster
wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 18:10

ImFab- he said he loved me but how can he treat me like this if he does

Katisha-I do love him but theres no point anymore so need to try to forget him

OP posts:
Amieesmum · 20/02/2011 18:11

Walk away. This should be your honeymoon period. All should be smiles & sex. Any troubles now show you're obviously not right for esch other.

Original poster
wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 18:13

Amieesmum- there have been lots of smiles and sex but this is happening too often.

I think he still has issues from the past and they will always be there.

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
coppertop · 20/02/2011 18:18

He's only lovely when he's getting his own way and you're agreeing with him.

Sorry that things didn't turn out better for you, Wishing.

Monty27 · 20/02/2011 18:23

WFH - I put up with this for years. Don't do it to yourself or your dc's.

I have so many many regrets and don't know where the low self esteem came from but his behaviour only served to make it worse and I let him do it.

Please don't do it to yourself.

ImFab · 20/02/2011 18:34

I had a few men who said they loved me. It is only now I am with DH that I know that actions are more important than words.