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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why is he doing this?

80 replies

wishingforhappiness · 20/02/2011 17:24

First time post by long time lurker so please bear with me.

Have been with my DPfor 5 months. He is absolutely lovely most of the time. Says he loves me often and that he thinks the world of me ( very different to how exH was)

We spend a lot of time together as we are both single parents.

The problem is we have split a few times during the 5 months over really silly things which have escalated.

All couples have arguments but with him it is always over. He doesn't even argue, just goes stony faced and wont talk if I am with him, or puts the phone down and wont speak if we are on the phone.

Last time( Jan) he also sent abusive texts after he had been drinking. we then didnt have any contact for about 5 days when he sent me an email to tell me that he was thinking of moving away, but wouldnt go if I wanted him to stay.

He then sent a message to me through his mum to say he wanted to apologise so I ended up ringing him.
We were on the phone ages, he sounded almost suicidal and had been drinking.
Tis resulted in him asking if we could see each other again, and I said I would let him know after I had tried to sort things in my head later in the week.

He then started sending emails saying he thought the world of me,couldnt bear to think of loosing me, etc.
We got back together and things have been great..... until yesterday when it all started again.
I said something ( not nasty- just something he didnt agree with me on ) and he put the phone down.

He sent a few texts saying I didnt trust him ( not true- I do )
Now he wont speak to me and I'm devasted.
I love him to bits but why is he treating me like this?
( I know he has been let down badly in the past)
Sorry this is so long, its hard to explain.
What shall I do?

OP posts:

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 16:21

wishingforhappiness - sorry to say it but this guy has fed you the love drug early on to hook you in and then as soon as he feels he's got you he behaves badly. he's probably not even consciously aware this is what he's doing but he's learnt a pattern that gets him the attention he craves.

real love does not declare itself in this grandiose way early on (despite what you see in the movies). real love is being kind and patient and not self-absorbed. real love will nurture you and let you grow. it doesn't make selfish demands and behave like a petulant child.

it is sooo understandable how you fell for his charms after the neglect from your husband. but that's all they were. charms.

there is something better out there for you. it's not a choice of neglectful men like your husband or abusive charmers like this man. look for the slow burn nurturers. and maybe first try to feel that emptiness a little yourself too before you move onto the next one.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 16:25

"slow burn nurturers"

brilliant

I have been saying this for years, but nobody ever listens to me. Too many women get swept away by OTT declarations and blokes rushing things along far too quickly

It is a big fat red flag

Ignore it at your peril

Original poster

wishingforhappiness · 21/02/2011 16:28

Thanks for all your replies. You are all talking sense. Its what I would think if this was happening to someone else.

I will have to be strong because his games have always worked before. He has always got whats he wants-a bit of time on his own and then I go running when he clicks his fingers.

I'm so tempted to read any messages just to see what he puts but I really don't need to as I know what they will say.

By the way, I live next door to his mum so am bound to bump into him at some point but last time I just ignored him but gave in when the messages started.

Thanks so much for all your support. :)

No one thinks he should have another chance- that says it all really!

It is hard though because things could have been great but I know he will never change :(

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 21/02/2011 16:31

Can I just say something which should be blindingly obvious but never is when we are caught up in the romance.

You say you love him except for this behaviour. Thing is, that behaviour is him.

What you are doing is wrapping all the bits of him up that you like and telling yourself that that is who he really is. And that he would be perfect if it were not for these odd behaviours.

You are completely re-shaping who he actually is to make him fit with who you wish he was.

You really need to swap it and see that actually he is quite a whiney manipulative shit . Occasionally he throws romance at you when he wants something.

The bits you don't like are not aberrations that he choses occasionally for reasons that you don't understand.

He is really showing you who he actually is. You 'love' him because you are deliberately ignoring that. You 'love' him because you really really want to.

caramelwaffle · 21/02/2011 16:34

"there is something better out there for you. it's not a choice of neglectful men like your husband or abusive charmers like this man. look for the slow burn nurturers. and maybe first try to feel that emptiness a little yourself too before you move onto the next one."

Excellent, Excellent! advice!

MigratingCoconuts · 21/02/2011 16:38

Pagwatch, fab post! very well put...

Peter, I always hear what you have to say!! you always speak such total sense... (but your songs are a bit rubbish)

Original poster

wishingforhappiness · 21/02/2011 16:43

Pagwatch- you are right. I keep saying he's lovely apart from this but it's happened so often this obviously is him.

Just needed someone to point that out to me I suppose although it was staring me in the face!

He must think I will always go running back for more, but there has to be a limit because all this is really doing my head in!

Will think of the wise advice from Mnetters if/when I start feeling vunerable. :)

Thanks!

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 16:44

< applauds pag >

People can be their own worst enemies sometimes.

Hey, MC, my song Insania is a modern-day classic I'll have you know !

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 16:45

OP, print off this thread. Put it in your purse, and read it when you wobble x

Original poster

wishingforhappiness · 21/02/2011 17:37

PeterAndreForPM - thats a great idea! :o

OP posts:

CheerfulMe · 21/02/2011 18:31

Pagwatch, that is SUCH a good post. And so true, too. OP, in I'm a similar situation and I'm gaining loads from lurking on here so thanks for posting in the first place. You've had some sterling advice. I've also been reading 'How To Break Your Addiction To A Person' by Howard M Halpern, and it's been an absolute godsend. I really hope you stay strong, it sounds like you're doing the right thing

Anniegetyourgun · 21/02/2011 18:35

The bit that makes me spit is when a bloke expects you to put up with his bad behaviour because someone else (allegedly) treated him badly in the past. Saint Lundy of Bancroft lists that in his wonderful book. You're so keen to prove that you're "not like those other women" and "one day he will learn to trust me" that you allow him to walk all over your boundaries, to dictate where you go, who you see, what you wear. He can't help it, he was hurt so badly in the past... it's a classic line.

He never will learn to trust you, you know. He never will "realise I'm not like those others who let him down". Whether they even existed is doubtful. My guess is that previous girlfriends left because of his behaviour, rather than the other way round. He has been seen doing it before, you gave him a chance to prove he was better than rumour painted him, but he wasn't. Run away, and in future take no shit from someone who respects you so little as a person that they have actually mistaken you for someone else.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/02/2011 20:32

If your last partner before him was a knob, then your radar is bolloxed, and what you have here is just a different flavour of knob.
Women are very much socialised to 'give him a chance', whether it's a man you don't want to date at all because he's pig-ugly and smells, or whether it's a man who's nice enough but exhibits odd or unpleasant behaviour. Tell this one to go and stick his head in a bucket of shit, and block all further contact with him - then promise yourself a year of man-free living to sort out who you are and what you want, so as tominimize the chances of you bagging yourself Knob version 3.

wileycoyote · 21/02/2011 20:45

I married someone like this and he ended up physically attacking me, and was VERY difficult to leave. I managed it, but only after 7 years. The behaviour that you describe is IDENTICAL to the first few months of his and my relationship.

My advice? Get away while you still can..

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 21/02/2011 20:56

"different flavour of knob"

SGB you have me creased up here

listen up OP you have had advice from the maestro!

googoomama · 21/02/2011 21:11

Oh I've had lots of "different flavours of knob" lol - they all had different packaging but all of them ended up giving me heartburn! Knob radar now firmly in place :)

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 21:21

loving that analogy too

soooo true

Original poster

wishingforhappiness · 21/02/2011 22:19

CheerfulMe- sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Yes the advice on here has been fab and makes sense completely.

Anniegetyourgun-that is so true. I really wanted to prove to him I was different from the exes that let him down.

SpringchickenGoldBrass- that made me laugh.
Yes my exH was a knob in different ways which is what made this one so lovely because in a lot of ways he was the opposite of my exH (more loving, attentive and affectionate)

Wileycoyote- there are rumours he was physically abusive in the past although he denies it and to be fair he has never been like that towards me but then it was early days I suppose

I am trying to be strong by remembering the bad times but to be honest its hard as although it was only 5 months the relationship was quite intense and it felt like we had been together longer.

I'm ok for some of the time then the sadness wells up and the tears come.

Trying to get through it by thinking he doesn't deserve my love or tears.

OP posts:

MigratingCoconuts · 22/02/2011 10:23

Stay strong, it will get easier. Look after yourself

spooktrain · 22/02/2011 10:42

let the tears flow - you are grieving for the promise you thought this relationship had, and that is perfectly natural. You are grieving for the good times you had together.

It feels shite right now, but remember that YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING and the whole of mumsnet (or at least 3 pages of it) is behind you on this.

be strong and delete any messages that come without opening them - you already know the script anyway

an unmumsnetty hug and a bet that in a weeks' time you will feel a lot better

caramelwaffle · 22/02/2011 11:37

"different flavour of knob"

Good grief. Hahahahaha with knobs on. Tis' so true

Original poster

wishingforhappiness · 22/02/2011 12:21

Thanks for all your support.

He did text last night about dropping a couple of things in to his mums for me to collect.

Then the usual stuff about he will always love me, he's not good for me, etc

Ended by saying maybe chat tomorrow (today)

I have just sent a text saying he is just messing with me and its best not to stay in touch because if he loved me he wouldnt be doing this.

Was really sad about it but feeling more and more mad he treated me like this now.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 22/02/2011 12:37

Don't answer all calls/texts at all for the next few days while you gather your strength

cheekeymonkey · 22/02/2011 15:23

Don't weaken, we are there for you. I know soo many people who have had similar relationships and after many many wasted years things only got worse - never better. Don't let him stand in your way of having a better future. Some men can be nice without a down side.

Original poster

wishingforhappiness · 22/02/2011 17:57

Thanks you are all great.Everyone is giving me so much support.

I know there are nice men out there. I suppose I've just been unlucky

OP posts:

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