why is he doing this?

[wishingforhappiness]

First time post by long time lurker so please bear with me.

Have been with my DPfor 5 months. He is absolutely lovely most of the time. Says he loves me often and that he thinks the world of me ( very different to how exH was)

We spend a lot of time together as we are both single parents.

The problem is we have split a few times during the 5 months over really silly things which have escalated.

All couples have arguments but with him it is always over. He doesn't even argue, just goes stony faced and wont talk if I am with him, or puts the phone down and wont speak if we are on the phone.

Last time( Jan) he also sent abusive texts after he had been drinking. we then didnt have any contact for about 5 days when he sent me an email to tell me that he was thinking of moving away, but wouldnt go if I wanted him to stay.

He then sent a message to me through his mum to say he wanted to apologise so I ended up ringing him.
We were on the phone ages, he sounded almost suicidal and had been drinking.
Tis resulted in him asking if we could see each other again, and I said I would let him know after I had tried to sort things in my head later in the week.

He then started sending emails saying he thought the world of me,couldnt bear to think of loosing me, etc.
We got back together and things have been great..... until yesterday when it all started again.
I said something ( not nasty- just something he didnt agree with me on ) and he put the phone down.

He sent a few texts saying I didnt trust him ( not true- I do )
Now he wont speak to me and I'm devasted.
I love him to bits but why is he treating me like this?
( I know he has been let down badly in the past)
Sorry this is so long, its hard to explain.
What shall I do?

truth even!! :)

Thanks Coppertop and Monty27

You are both right.

He is lovely when things are going his way but gets funny over silly things if we dont agree. He likes things his way which is quite controlling.

I put up with a lot from my exH and thought this one was so different. How wrong was I !!!!

Thanks for your support.

WFH - I can relate to that. The loveliness, the support, the kindness, until it wasn't his way.

I can't believe I'm writing it, but we used to walk round on eggshells here for fear of upsetting him, because when he got upset, he just left.

I called him a bully once, and he was devastated and then I felt bad.

Years on, I can't believe I did it. And also, my dc's were trained to put up with him and cope with him.

:(

Sorry to hear you've been through this too Monty. Its so upsetting isn't it.

We usually go to his house on a sunday and my youngest plays with his DS. He was asking all morning if we were going there today.

I know what I have to do but its going to be so hard to do it. We have been a big part of each others lives since we got together and I'm going to miss him.:(

I suppose I need to forget the good times and just remember the bad.

Sorry to say this, but you sound like you really want to be loved, and in love, to the extent that you have blinded yourself of the actual behaviour of the person you've been with.

He won't change. If you stay with him it will be like this - up and down, unstable, abusive then apologetic, and so on...

Bin him, spend time with your friends and family, love yourself.

wishing, please don't think your sister will be all "ner-ner" if you split with him. What she will be is relieved! If she didn't care about you, she'd have said nothing.

Oh I'm so sorry. My ex's actions never matched his words. He would often say lovely things but they were just words. I agree with the other posters - make a break now before it really starts messing with your head. Much love x

Thanks everyone- you are all so kind. I feel I've got no-one to talk to in RL. Keep crying but I know I need to pull myself together and stop being stupid.

The messages from him have started tonight on FB- not nasty though. He deleted me as a friend but he did that last time. He sent private messages which is what he usually does to get back in touch.

Along the lines of how he will always love me, hopes I will find someone better, that he's not going for his hospital tests now and that he is going away for a while soon.

He is still trying emotional blackmail to try and control me isn't he.

Yes he is. It's very easy for him to glibly say he loves you but he does not seem to know what love means. Love means respect, giving your partner freedom to express themselves and be themselves, enjoying your partner for who he/she is. This man sees love as control. You are probably slightly addicted to his approval (I was with my ex) and it is sort of exciting in a way when you win it and he says he loves you. But a good relationship should not be a constant emotional rollercoaster. My friend always says "How does this person make you feel?" and if it is anything other than settled and happy, that person isn't for you.

Most of the time he was really nice and loving and caring which was the opposite of my exH for a lot of my marriage.

That makes it look like I just want to be loved- I do, but by him.

I was happy on my own but had my eyes opened to a real loving relationship until this started to happen, which wasn't straight away.

I'm so confused- I really thought we had a future and I can't understand why he is doing this because I know he loves me deep down. But real love shouldn't be this painful should it?

Its almost like I'm being punished for mistakes his other partners have made and that he can't believe I love him as much as I do and that I won't hurt him like others have.

I read this back and think how pathetic I am being. I know I am better off without him.

Googoomama I think you are right. He does see love as control.

Googoomama, what a wise friend you have - how nice would it be if we all asked ourselves that question at the beginning of and throughout a relationship - answered it truthfully and acted on it!!

Wishing, a lucky escape I think. And will you be able to talk to your sister about it? I should think if she warned you she will be only relieved that you're out of it!! And maybe you can start a new Sunday tradition with your DCs...

you are better off without him, have you actually told him it's over? I think you should, would be a whole lot better than just ignoring him if he gets back in touch.

"Along the lines of how he will always love me, hopes I will find someone better, that he's not going for his hospital tests now and that he is going away for a while soon."

Oh FGS, what transparent manipulative histrionics.

Block him on FB and from your phone and just stay away from him.

He's unhinged.

Punishing you like this every time you disagree with him about something?

That is not love. It's control.

giagindi- haven't spoken to my sister much about the relationship since it started as she was really against it and sent him a message warning him to treat me right.

Which was really weird considering I'm older than her and old enough to look after myself! So don't really feel able to talk to her about it. She didn't know the nice side to him.

Duellingfanjo- haven't told him its over. He hasn't actually told me its over but has changed his FB relationship to single.
Thats the childish way he always does it i'm afraid.

Off to bed now- thanks so much for all your wise advice and support :)

Sorry just wanted to reply to spidookly

Yes this is always the way his messages start.

Then it will be "I haven't been well, been crying, don't want to lose you, etc.

He sent a few messages tonight and I replied but in my last one I told him it was the last one ever.

Good idea- will block him on FB now

Swallow your pride and tell your sister she was right about him - and you'd appreciate her support getting over him, if she would normally be the person you'd talk to about all this. One of the things blokes like him do is put wedges between you and your family/friends, don't let it continue.

He may well have a nice side, but he's also trying to load guilt and emotionally blackmail you into doing whatever he wants. He's not capable of a healthy relationship.

MadamDeathStare and zikes you are both right.

There is definitely a pattern to his behaviour. It always goes the same way so he has obviously done it many times before with other people.

I can't really talk to my sister about it because we don't really confide in each other which is sad. She is having a few problems herself but doesn't really talk about them.

I know he will contact me again and my heart says that its him I want but my head says thats madness as this behaviour would continue.

I think it's the intensity and roller-coaster: it's kind of addictive. But it doesn't make for happiness.

Well done on seeing that it's a pattern occurring, he is trying to manipulate you and when the guilt trip doesn't work he will no doubt get annoyed.

Block him on FB, on your phone if you can (if not pop it on silent for a bit), email, etc. Make it as easy as you can to avoid communication from him.

Start a new sunday tradition of a walk to the park maybe with your dcs?

He seems very insecure, could be the behaviour of someone in control, for example, he finishes it, expecting you to come running, to get things back on track, I dont think he does actually wants to split, just using it possibly as a control game, IYSWIM.

Walk is my opinion, head games aint healthy

Welshbyrd- I think you have hit the nail on the head there.

That is exactly what happens every time.

Its like he's testing me (my love for him) and testing himself (his control over me)

Its such a shame because apart from these mind games and this sort of behaviour from time to time, the rest of the time he is lovely.

There really isn't any need for him to be like this

ok, then, this time it is an epic fail

call the bluff, finally

you are not a puppet on a string to be yanked around

Please tell us you have got rid, there is not 1 reply that thinks you should stay? In my experience this childish behavior is testing you to see how far he can control you. It always end badly. Cut your losses, you never know what is around the corner

You are going to have to be strong because I suspect he try to crank up the levels when he realises it won't work.

From what you have said he has tried using his mum and also sounding suicidal before.

I would really try to prevent all contact. Don't listen to the messages at all and filter your calls. Otherwise you risk being sucked in on the 'pity' card.

Well done so far though. I've just read the thread, you don't sound pathetic in the least. you sound very loving, responsible and honest.

You deserve a good relationship with a truly good man