Husband cheating with prostitutes

[dazedandconfused71]

I've had the worst night ever, my world has been turned upside down.

I needed to change the parental controls on my DC's email account. Logged into the master account which I haven't done for several years. Noticed husband has set up a second account for himself. I googled the name he was using and found him on a BDSM site arranging to meet women and couples. At our apartment in another city that he uses for business.

I found his phone and can see that he's been logging onto escort agency websites. I then googled every phone number he has dialled and found one for a prostitute in our city. The days he phoned were when I took our children away to an amusement park for a weekend with my sister and family, the other day when he said he was going to a gig.

I confronted him about the escorts and he admitted everything. I think. He said that he has been going through a bad time the last couple of years (work could be going better but wtf?) and that he has been using the for around 2 1/2 years. He says he doesn't have sex just hand jobs, BJ. He said it was all over now and that he had decided this himself, it's a new years resolution apparently.

I asked him several times if there was anything else he wanted to tell me he said no each time. I then told him that I knew about his other email and the websites he's been on and that he was on them all through Jan and Feb, so not much of a resolution. He said it was all fantasy and he'd never meet anyone on there.

We've been up all night. I can't look at him, I'm distraught. I thought things were good. I want him to leave but he's says he's going to stay to prove to me it's all over and that he's always loved me. He's says leaving wouldn't help anyone.

He's always known my feelings on infidelity. It's over. But he's trying to put a positive spin on it, best thing that could happen, it'll make us stronger...

I don't think we can recover from this. How can I let him touch me again knowing where he's been?

We've been together 11 years, married since 2003, we have 2 young children. Sorry it's a long post, just needed to "talk" it out.

dazed, im so sorry for you going through this - I feel absolutely furious on your behalf.

Well done on being strong enough to know you want him out - this is irredeemable behaviour and you deserve so much better.

You will emerge stronger and free to meet someone worth your time - on the other side of this awful time,life will be bright again. Hard as it is to see that in the midst of this. Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of in believing in him - you were naturally trusting of him, he is the one who betrayed that.

"Remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of in believing in him - you were naturally trusting of him, he is the one who betrayed that."

permission to borrow that line myself waterrat? That's a really good post!

I wouldn't show him this thread D&C.

The less he knows about what you are thinking - the better IMO. He sounds able to deceive and plan things well - you need to be one step ahead and not be brainwashed by him.

This thread should be a private, supportive sanctuary for you...

So sorry you are going through this - thinking of you :(

The business side certainly adds complication so ensure that you plan any break-up on your terms.

He says leaving wouldn't help anyone?

Well it would help you.

But clearly he doesn't even see you as a person worth considering.

Even now, after all he's done he's trying to minimise your feelings.

I hope he's gone.

Gum clinic and solicitor tomorrow.

Hi,

I read this thread earlier and it's been playing on my mind so much so I had to respond.

Reading through, you say that you want him to leave after thinking about a few things that didnt add up.

Please, dont give up.

After EXP left I was so confused, hurt, upset and was in shock. It's horrible and wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. He took advantage of my shocked state by lying a bit more and convincing me that he had changed and didnt know what he was doing and that none of it was planned. Bollocks.

It took me 6 months to realise that he was trying to lead me up the garden path again.

OK, my situation is slightly different to yours but the hurt is the same, as is the deception.

Keep note of everything said and done, no matter how innocent it seems. I'm still trying to piece things together and get on my feet, it's not easy but I'm getting there as you will too.

The more you try to remember and make a note of the easier it will be to tell when he is lying to you in future.

It's a shit thing to go through and I still have my down days now, but the more I find out, the more drive I get to get my life in order that little bit more and make something of myself BY myself..

Please, look after yourself, dont listen to anyone if you do not trust them totally. You will soon find out who your friends are. I certainly have and it's been an eye opener I can tell you.

Make sure you eat, even if you dont feel like it, treat yourself, get a new haircut, new clothes, give yourself another little boost to help you fight through another day.

I would suggest too, to go to the gum clinic, solicitor about the marriage and about the business.

Good luck.

OP, "a few phone calls and I could destroy him."

Don't do anything hasty, it's not in your interest nor in your children's. Whatever the justification.

It is in her interest to use the leverage she has to get this bastard out of her house.

Agree don't show him this thread - keep it private and remember to delete your browsing history.

Oh Jesus this is awful. It turns my stomach to hear stuff like this..

I haven't read all the thread yry DAZED, as I just finished work and skimmed through. Will read it all in a bit.

I guess most posters have said leave him. Probably some have said that you cpuld work through it.

Personally speaking I could NEVER get over this.it would be no use me trying. I could live with him platonically if I had to in the meantime. But that's it. I could not not be intimate with him again.

It does not matter if he has or has not had full sex, a BJ or hand job is no better.I would just feel yuck at these women pleasuring him.

As for going through a bad time, well that wpuld infuriate me. Going through a difficult time makes you actively seek out sex acts with other people?What the hell?? Was he all upset when these young hotties were wanking him off?

I am sure that you are a lovely woman and this is nothing to do with you. I bet though there are a couple of issues here-number one he wants to pay for it anyway and number 2 he maybe has some fetish with the BDSM. Some unfulfilled fantasy that he can't discuss with you.

Dazed I cant imagine how bad this situation is for you, I know how hurt I am from my DH having an affair, but your situation is so much more unpalatable.

Do what is right for you, personally I wouldnt want him anywhere near me. Keep strong.

Sorry I cant give any advice, you are getting plenty of excellent help on here though.

Just want to reiterate the advice you have been given. Infidelity with a consenting partner is unpalatable enough.

I don't want to open up another thread but this is something else again and raises all sorts of issues about his attitude towards women.

Be strong. You deserve some much more.

Dazed, I'm so sorry he's done this to you and the DC.

Don't let him talk to you anymore. You don't have to listen to his excuses and his lies right now. You need some space to get your head straight.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Hi, just wanted to thank you again for your messages and let you know I'm ok.

I've spent a couple of days away with the DCs, no internet, no phone and, despite everything, we had lots of fun. I thought I'd be the type to hit the wine and the chocolate but i've been super healthy, it wasn't conscious decision, just how I feel. I might even make it back to the gym next week.

Husband has told his family and has moved back home with his parents who are supporting him and he's already started therapy.

I'm not working this week but next will be hard. I'm obsessing about the women he's been with, viewing their profiles, etc. I'm desperate for him to tell me why he chose those girls, what they did, what did they talk about, was he kind to them, etc. Do you think it would help? Or i was wondering if I too had some therapy maybe they could help me to just forget about it.

Thanks again x

I can totally understand that desire to know - I think it might help at this point to have professional help to pick apart what you hope to gain by knowing. Whatever happens, have that therapy and be prepared to look back at your own life as well - and why you chose him, what attracted you to him and where that comes from in your own past.

It will only be helpful to know these things if he is going to be honest - do you think he would be? Being told a pack of lies - or a story which frames him in the best light possible - or basically listening to him self pitylingly wingeing - wont be helpful.

Perhaps you could think that further down the line when there is more distance - you could sit down to get some answers. But you might be a little too vulnerable for that right now.

This isn't cheating it's adultery. I don't understand why some people call adultery and infidelity "cheating" as though someone just nicked a few hundred quid from the bank playing monopoly.
If my husband had used prostitutes for 2 years our marriage would be over. Breaking that sort of habit is very difficult.

dazedandconfused71 firstly, i'm so sorry for you.

It's probably a good idea he's back with his parents- you both need space right now. You need some time to get your thoughts in order and work out what you want to do next.

Wishing you lots of strength in this horrid time.

I'm new to mumsnet. I am pregnant with a little boy now but before I used to be a successful escort and also a dominatrix.
My advice to you is that men always lie, get yourself checked out at the GUM clinic and dont trust that he didnt have sex or that it was protected I would say 80 percent of clients I saw asked for unprotected sex. Often offering more money to get it

You have answered a zombie thread, Lucy

look at the dates

how did you come across it, btw ?

2nd one, maybe lucy is searching for key terms and just not seeing the dates [credulous]

Shall we hazard a guess at what key terms that might be

lucy why are you commenting on all of these 3 year old threads telling us all how you used to be a prostitute

Hi, I know this is an old post but I wondered how things worked out for you a year on? The same thing has just happened to me but unlike what everyone thinks 'ditch him or you're fool' - it know I'm not sure its the straight forward ..... .Since finding out a few weeks ago my partner has being living elsewhere at my request, that time has given us both the chance to reflect and talk and establish some pretty sad things & I realise its not quite so clean cut. I suppose Im looking for hope or maybe a reality check from someone who actually knows. Im finding this a real tricky one because its not your standard office fling and its not something you really want to discuss with friends.
Thank you & wishing you all the best x

Hi

I feel your pain! Same thing has happened to me too. I have been with my fiancé for 13 years or so and we have 1 child (19m). It started off last april when i went down my mums for the night, he took that opportunity to sleep with someone in our bed! (the cot was even next to it) he was drunk and he didn't even bother to hide the evidence, hair extensions were even left! i threw him out, i was so upset and shocked....he then went totally off the rails and i had a phone call to come get him, he had been up all night, with prostitutes, on coke, drink driving and raiding his bank accounts, he was a total mess....so I took him back (he has no family around to take him in!)... a few months went by and one night he doesn't come home from work, i have a phonecall from a friend who has seen him enter a hotel with a woman. basically it goes pretty much like that until now...getting slightly better but still when i think we may be getting on the right track, something fishy happens again. i am at my whits end, he's blamed it on stress, which i can say he has had a lot of... but that's no excuse.

it's not as cut and dry and that's why ive forgiven him so many times. the facts ive been clinging to is that escorts are providing one thing - sex. there's no deep and meaningful feelings to it. i would say 70% of men have visited a prostitute once in their life!

i honestly believe he loves me.... but, that's the worst thing, escorts seem to be fairly cheap to what i imagined they would be and so easy to come across online. how can he ever stop this, what seems to be an obsession? how can i compete with the excitement sleeping with someone new offers? especially when im a tired busy working mum.

i am at the point where i no longer know what to do, i feel the whole situation is turning me crazy, im a paranoid mess and getting rather depressed. my life feels like it's on hold.

i don't want my LO to grow up in a broken home and more so without any siblings. I don't want baby's by different fathers and I know I want more children.

I've even considered putting up with it for those reasons but i can't, its not in me to look the other way

HELP