Husband cheating with prostitutes

[dazedandconfused71]

I've had the worst night ever, my world has been turned upside down.

I needed to change the parental controls on my DC's email account. Logged into the master account which I haven't done for several years. Noticed husband has set up a second account for himself. I googled the name he was using and found him on a BDSM site arranging to meet women and couples. At our apartment in another city that he uses for business.

I found his phone and can see that he's been logging onto escort agency websites. I then googled every phone number he has dialled and found one for a prostitute in our city. The days he phoned were when I took our children away to an amusement park for a weekend with my sister and family, the other day when he said he was going to a gig.

I confronted him about the escorts and he admitted everything. I think. He said that he has been going through a bad time the last couple of years (work could be going better but wtf?) and that he has been using the for around 2 1/2 years. He says he doesn't have sex just hand jobs, BJ. He said it was all over now and that he had decided this himself, it's a new years resolution apparently.

I asked him several times if there was anything else he wanted to tell me he said no each time. I then told him that I knew about his other email and the websites he's been on and that he was on them all through Jan and Feb, so not much of a resolution. He said it was all fantasy and he'd never meet anyone on there.

We've been up all night. I can't look at him, I'm distraught. I thought things were good. I want him to leave but he's says he's going to stay to prove to me it's all over and that he's always loved me. He's says leaving wouldn't help anyone.

He's always known my feelings on infidelity. It's over. But he's trying to put a positive spin on it, best thing that could happen, it'll make us stronger...

I don't think we can recover from this. How can I let him touch me again knowing where he's been?

We've been together 11 years, married since 2003, we have 2 young children. Sorry it's a long post, just needed to "talk" it out.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

For me, my marriage would be over. I would never be able to look at my husband again. And the idea that he is trying to start again from now is just not acceptable. So gets to wipe the slate clean and you just have to accept it.

I hate to say this, but think your marriage is over and it would be best for you to divorce him and move on.

Really Sorry

He thinks he deserves you? He doesn't.

Him going through a 'bad time' is just cause to blow your life apart? No!

There is no justification for such complete deceit, lack of respect and endangerment of your health, physical and emotional.

He's not a partner, he's a player. Selfish to the core.

I'm so sorry for you that he isn't the man you thought you married and I hope you find the strength to keep him out of your life from here on in.

I know from experience that it's hard but it's absolutely worth it.

very sorry to read this, knowing the hurt to you and DCs.

Thanks everyone

I've slept a lot and cried a lot. In between I've been obsessing about the prostitutes I know of, looking at their online profiles.

I know I'm attractive, husband definitely married out of his league but these women are beautiful. 20 yrs younger, one claims to be a TV presenter and lads mag model. She's like £400 per hour. I don't understand, why would anyone pay that for a hand job or BJ. There must be more to it.

We spoke last night. He said all he asks is that I judge him from now and that it's not much to ask. I don't understand why he doesn't get that it's a big deal. He says that I need to help him?!? He also drinks way too much and he says he wants to stop. He blames the drinking on his behaviour but some of the times he's called these girls and been on the websites has been in the middle of the day. This is not just a drunken mistake, it's premeditated.

The awful thing is that we run a business together. If I don't get up and go to work tomorrow we don't make any money and we all lose everything.

I hate him so much. I could just kill him for this.

He has been caught out in spectacular style and is still lying. He knows you are confused and shocked and this "I have a plan" nonsense is him taking advantage of your shock and uncertainty and trying to bustle you into going along with what he wants you to do; effectively take leadership of the situation. I would blank him completely; take his control away, refuse to see him, answer calls etc and just be for a while until your head is clearer. He did this because he could, there was nothing "lacking at home" or whatever the first poster said. Having unusual tastes does not give him the right to compromise your feelings, relationship and health the way he has. Refuse to take responsibility for his mistake; the blame isn't yours. He has thought only of himself and now, whatever you decide, it is your turn to do the same. Really hope you feel better soon.

While you are busy going into work otherwise you don't make any money he has been paying someone £400 an hour for a bit of light relief. How many times??!!?! Only has to be a few times for it suddenly to be £1,000s!

Spending the money you make working your ass off on himself. Cheating, lying and making a mockery of your relationship, your love, your commitment to him, your marriage and your business.

Judge him from now on? Yeah right? Judge him on all the above and that he has compromised your sexual health, not had the decency to at least tell you and still STILL thinks he has done nothing wrong!

It is way way too much for him to ask. He doesn't have the right to ask you for anything from the moment he first called/met one of these women.

He really doesn't get it does he. He has destroyed your marriage and relationship with his cheating over the last few years.

He has absolutly no respect for you as his wife or as the mother of the DC's. My heart is breaking for you.

I could not continue in any sort of relationship with him and really can't see how you can get past this as he is showing no remorse or regret.

This was not your fault. He did it because he could and it would be continuing now if he wasn't caught.

You would be best to ask him to stay away indefinatly, gets yourself for an STI check.

Thank you both. Particles, I think it's a good idea to ignore him for a while. I have 1,000's of questions but the answers don' really matter do they? It's over.

Xales, I might print out these pages to show him. I think he thinks everyone else would just put it behind them. He doesn't see that this isn't the norm, the Rooneys of this world aren't the norm.

I'm going to tell him he can move out the easy way or the hard way. A few phone calls and I could destroy him.

I agree he's prob still lying, and it's v unlikely to be fixable.
Absolutely you need to be away from him.
Right now do things for YOURSELF, not about 'the relationship'. He's made shitty choices, they are NOT your responsibility.
Do whatever you feel, day to day, that can even begin to heal you, and for a few weeks there might be nothing. When you can eat, eat well, accept all offers of help with the dc, get massage, exercise, things can make your body feel good. That way you build up yourself from the inside, you're more likely to make good decisions. Sending un-mn love.

And yes, STI check

I hope you had a good night. Take some time to look after yourself. do what you need to. don't consider himm he hasn't considered you. only share with your friends what you want them to remember!! Hugs

"Don't judge me from what I've done recently, judge me from what I say I'm going to do"

Hmm.

Would that wash anywhere else?

"I know I stole out of your till, boss, but I will never do it again. Now I want you to forget I did it and carry on giving me free access to the till".... nope, wouldn't wash.

"Yes, officer, I was caught doing 70 in a 30 zone, but you see, I'm never going to do it again, so you have to pretend it never happened and not fine me or put points on my licence" ..... again, can't see that working for him.

"Yes, your Honour, I did stalk Lady Gaga for 3 years, but you see, I haven't done for the past two weeks and I'm all done now, so you can't prosecute me" .... Nope. Doesn't work like that.

"Yes dear, I was seeing prostitutes and spending an extraordinary amount of the family budget on hand jobs without your knowledge or consent, but I'm never going to do that again, so you have to pretend it never happened and behave like you never found out" ..........???????????/

oh my god this man is appalling - judge me from now???? Eh??? from when he got CAUGHT - how would any relationship work if people betrayed their partner and said - oh you can only judge me from now.

He has lied to you, betrayed you, cheated on you repeatedly for a long period and has only stopped because you caught him.

He is showing a total lack of respect to you by refusing to acknowledge that you have a right to be angry.

Honestly, words can't do justice to how much I want to beg you to throw this man out at once.

If you/ he want to try and make this work, he has to go NOW. YOu need space to think.

How can you trust this man? he sounds horrendous and bullying and unkind.

While I would say just end it now, if that is too much, please make him leave and say you need a month to think, see a counsellor, talk to friends and family.

He has to work HIMSELF if he wants to prove he has a very very serious problem.

But step one - get him out of your house.

people would 'put it behind them'??? is he on crack?

How would he feel if he discovered that you have been having sex for two years with a variety of men. He is in la la land.

Please end this relationship. If he wants to persaude you, through months of counselling that he deserves another chance that can happen in the future

Good point waterrat - how would he feel if it were you fessing up to using escorts and paying for men???

Agree that he has blown it. His lack of remorse is chilling.

Can I kill him for you ?

I have never heard such a lack of remorse and attitude of self-entitlement in all my life ! How dare he spends such vast amounts on his own sordid pleasure ? You are also right, it isn't just HJ's and BJ's, you would be a fool to believe that.

he sounds utterly devoid of a conscience

He actually does remind me of Wayne Rooney, who apparently said to Coleen, on getting caught for (at least) the 2nd time, "if you don't like it, there is the door"

and like WR, your husband will do this again if you roll over

please don't roll over, this man does not deserve to be married to you

I feel really, really angry on your behalf, so much so that I cannot articulate it

I can't begin to imagine how shocked and stunned you must be dazed, You must be feeling sick. My heart goes out to you.

I agree with all of the fabulous advice before me, and have nothing better to add than has already been said here.

Wishing you strength, serenity and courage. You are awesome.

What else is there to say? 'Bye bye, slimy prick. When the kids are old enough to understand, maybe you can explain it all to them?' perhaps?

Vile, vile, vile man.

You sound really strong, dazedandconfused.

Things will be more complicated because you run a business together, but you WILL get through it.

Your husband is a sick individual, and what he has done says nothing about you. Nothing.

Your emotions will be all over the place because you've made the shock discovery that the person you are married to is very different to the one you thought he was. That is a difficult thing to handle. Your life has been turned upside down but you will come out the other side a stronger person.

Your husband sounds like an addict and quite delusional.

I think you will be well rid as you'll never have any peace of mind while you're together.

Thank you so very, very much.

I've been so completely thrown by this, it's a shock and when I first confronted him I don't think I articulated quite how I was feeling. He's coming home shortly, he thinks to talk and stay in the spare room but he's not he'll be leaving again and you've given me the strength to make him leave.

I can't believe this is happening. If you told me a week ago that we'd separated by my 40th birthday (next week) I would have laughed. He's so lovely and kind but now I know the truth I'm remembering other things. Like the times he visited these women in my OP. He gave me money to buy my whole family a slap up meal when we were away for the weekend. I returned and the house was immaculate. Guilty conscience or was she here?

The other time when he was going to see a gig, something he often does on his own. I remember he was so pissed off that he missed the bus, it was around 5.30 and I remember saying that the band wouldn't be on for hours (we live 15 mins away) but he said he wanted to go to a couple of the bars first. I offered to give him a lift but he didn't want one. At 9.30pm he texted to say that the band had only just come on. Clearly he had gone to see her before the gig.

Anyway I'm out of bed and showered. I had a coffee but threw it up. The house is a mess but I'm watching Jamie O and thinking that I might like something to eat soon.

Thanks very much again, it's really keeping me strong.

I'll keep you posted xx

So sorry you are going through this and glad you are finding some strength through MN .
I seem to remember there have been a couple of posters in the past who have had a similar experience but I cannot remember their posting names but I do remember that one recommended this site. You may find it helpful to get some counselling for yourself, alone, for now - it's like you have been hit by a train now and need intensive care. Please look after yourself, put your and the DC's needs first.

And see a solicitor.

Try not to second guess bits and pieces, not now, you are in too much shock for that. Just deal with what facts you do have right now, there are more than enough to justify you slinging him out.

Did you post about the house being clean after your trip away? there was a thread about that subject relatively recently and the OP was sure something was amiss, was that you?

No Little Miss HF, that wasn't me. I must admit I use mumsnet more as a spectator. There's usually someone who's going through the same thing as me. I've never used it for marriage advice, always children, school stuff.

You're right I shouldn't waste time speculating. I know enough already. Xx

Thanks for the website Countingto10 x

You will get through this dazed it will get easier eventually.

Just be kind to yourself, cuddle your DC and if you find it helpful, keep posting here.

So sorry that you are going through this.

Send him packing today and tell him you have no further wish to "discuss" anything to do with your relationship at this time.

If he has any shred of respect for you at all, he will leave you alone to process your thoughts. Use that time wisely to start taking practical advice on how to extricate yourself from his life.

I expect the business side of things will be less easy, but it should be possible to separate your relationship from the business, for now while you sort out all the practical aspects.