Help with unreasonable ex !!!!

[lydia15]

I need help. me and my ex split a year ago, we never married or lived together, he does however have a PR agreement. My ex will NOT communicate with me over matters regarding my son, schooling, behaviour etc..i text and ring but get no reply!!!..my ex see's my son everyday as lives down same street..I dont want to talk to my ex face to face as he frightens me. I want to move to another part of town, but apparently he wont let me, i want to take my son out for days with me and my new partner, he wont let me, even tho he takes my son out all the time!!...i have been told, through my son, that if i move out of the street he will apply for full custody of my son!!!!....I feel so sorry for my son cos messages are passed through him, despite me trying to text my ex.apparently when i send him a text he gets my son to read, then delete it!!!....I feel trapped and desperate..I am having such a bad time with my ex..i dont want confrontation, but then again dont want to roll over and give in!!..I dont know which way to turn now..feeling helpless and desolate ..Oh ad before i forget, my son was due to go to a party tonight, and we had a massive fight....I grounded him, he rang his dad, and his dad said he was going to call the police and have me arrested..is this even possible???

lydia - are you the primary carer? If so he is very unlikely to get full custody for a start - this sounds like a threat to me.

Does he not speak to you when he picks up his son?

On a practical level keep all your texts to him and log everytime you phone him and he doesn't respond. Log any interactions you have with plus your feelings at the time. This will also be useful for a solicitor.

You need to arrange proper and structured visits to his father that he ahs to keep to so you are going to need to get legal advice. Not sure how old your son is but I am sure that some sort of routine would benefit him.

This is not a reasonable man (he sounds very controlling btw) so a solicitor is going to be the only way forward really.

As realrabbit says - Legal Matters might be the best place for this.

how does he stop you from taking your son out for the day?

He is not going to get full custody if you move out of the street. come on!

and no. his father cannot have you arrested for grounding the boy - don't you bloody dare unground him! call the man's bluff.

See a solicitor. get things formal.

Your ex is a bully and a twat.

Contact a solicitor asap and get something formal, wrt access, put in place. He can't stop you moving either, unless you were planning to move out of the country.

How old is your son?

Please, please post in Legal.

You don't have to put up with any of this. When you're looking after your son, you can take him wherever you want, as long as he's safe. You can move wherever you want as well, your ex has no say in that at all. To stop you moving to a town far away, he'd need a court order called a Prohibited Steps Order and they're hard and expensive to get hold of.

He's abusing your son emotionally by using him to pass messages on. You're absolutely right that that needs to stop.

I think post on Legal and get a solicitor. This is terrible for your son as well as you and you are being harrassed. It's great that you're keeping your son and your ex connected, but he's taking the piss, big time. If your son lives with you most of the time and you are a good mum (regardless of what this idiot says - if you feed, clothe, love and support your son, and oh, try not to drag him into things between you and his other parent, then you ARE) he can whistle for any hope of getting your son to live with him fulltime. But you DO need legal advice, and fast.

"Oh ad before i forget, my son was due to go to a party tonight, and we had a massive fight....I grounded him, he rang his dad, and his dad said he was going to call the police and have me arrested..is this even possible???"

No. The police would laugh in his face for trying to involve them in you appropriately disciplining your child. They see way too many kids who haven't ever been! But details like that would make very bad reading in any court hearing - undermining the other parent by playing you off against one another is very bad news.

Can I ask how old your son is, though?

If I was you, I'd call his bluff wrt the grounding. If the police turned up at my door, I'd listen to what they had to say, smile sweetly and remind them that arrangements between my XP and myself regarding your DS are actually a civil matter, not a criminal matter, and if XP is unhappy with the current arrangement/decision taken, then he's welcome to take me to court to sort it out.

In my situation OP, my XP has called the police on me many times as a way of intimidating me into surrendering to his control, is still trying to prove me an unfit mum, to no avail, and now the police hardly visit...why??...because XP found it was not a very effective way to control me.

My sol told me that the police deal in criminal matters, not civil. Unless you have committed a crime against your DS, your XP cannot dictate how you bring him up in your home, same goes while your DS is with him.

FWIW, I'd get residency established through the courts and find out your rights wrt how much control your XP has over day to day decisions you make for your DS. Having residency will make things a lot clearer to police/courts etc

My son is 13 years old...his dad doesnt pick him up as he lives only 4 doors away..so goes round to see him all the time, which i have never stopped!!! and he stops me from taking my son out, by intimidating my son..he says to him " you dont wanna be with me anymore, go on!!.you go!!..you dont love me, you will find a new family and wont love me anymore"...!!!!..my ex is an emotional bully, i cant stand it!!!...the only reason i havn't done anything is that i am scared too, he wouldnt hurt me, it is just the emotional side to him, even 12 months on, if i see the ex in the street i freeze and panic!!!..i berate myself for doing this, but it is a knee jerk reaction which i cant help!!! :( The way he is stopping me from moving is by threatening to take liam from me, and being verbally cruel to him!!!...I did give in with the grounding as i know how nasty the ex can be..What really upsets me the most is that for the first 12 years, i did everything for my son..even though me and the ex were together I did everything....and now we have split, his dad is Perfect, and i have become the troll who doesnt take him out, or spend hundeds of pounds on him...I just do the mundane things like feed and clothe and keep him warm and do his washing and educate him!!!...I dont have much to offer liam, and his dad can, in a possession way...and the ex keeps telling me so!!!.......I am the primary carer..Liam lives with me full time, but every other week liam stays at his house..only between 10pm to 7am, where he comes back and gets ready for school!!!......

I only wanna move out of the street to another part of town, I live in a small market town, plus i dont wanna take my son far from his High School!!... My son says if i move out he will go live with his dad full-time!!!....I am scared of this....I have felt so close to calling his bluff and telling him to move...but cant !!!.....

I also know for a fact my son is wary of his father, a couple of weeks ago me and my new partner wanted to take him to the cinema, my son really wanted to go, but was scared to as he knows what his dad is like!!!..it was so sad!!...my son knows that instead of his dad having a pop at me, he will do it through him!!!!!....oh and another thing, regarding residency,,i'm not sure if this would make any difference, but my ex doesnt have his own house..the house he lives in was his mums and brothers!!....yes!!..at 48 he was still living with his mum..she died 2 years ago, but he still lives in the house, which is his brothers cos he bought it years ago!!!!....sorry to go on with the posts...I just dont know which way to turn..I know i need to seek legal help, but dont know if i will get financial help...i have recently had my hours at work cut by half and cannot afford the luxury of a solicitor!!!

I think knowledge is power here. Seeing a solicitor is a good idea, or failing that Citizen's Advice. You just need someone to tell you what your rights are. But I can tell you here and now that moving to a different street isn't going to have any impact on your custody arrangements. But I think the line needs to be that you just saw a house and fell in love with it. You're not moving to get some breathing space, you're moving because you saw a house on the other side of town on Rightmove and you really like it.

But whatever you decide, this situation is intolerable. You need to live your life as you want to. You need to go out! Your XP is bullying your son. Does your son really want this situation to continue? He's 13, he should be mature enough to have a conversation with you about this? He can't like being emotionally blackmailed himself?

I dont think my son wants this to continue...because he is the messenger here.....I have had conversations with him, but it is very difficult getting him to see sense!!...he doesnt wanna hurt me, and doesnt wanna hurt his dad..any kind of moving and my son see's it as me taking him away from his dad, which just isnt the truth!!!!..ATM i am the bad guy and i feel like i am losing him to his dad, all because he is a bully!!!!...last night liam said he doesnt have to move with me, i told him he was a child and doesnt have the power to tell me if i can move or not...he just kept saying "I am a teenager NOT a child"...on and on this went.....I was so frustrated with it all......we dont have any custody arrangements as such..nothing in writing, liam just goes round to see his dad when he wants too!!!!..this staying the night at his dads every other week was decided by the ex..i had no say..and wasnt even asked.......All this wouldnt have happened if the ex would just TALK to me over matters..but he wont..he aint interested!!!!....

Well, there's no point expecting your ex to behave any differently than he does.

I don't think telling your 13 year old he is a child is the way forward - it provides your ex with an easy "win", if you like.

Tell him you've taken on board what he has said and are prepared to treat him as an adult for the time being (thus allowing yourself an "out" if he doesn't rise to the challenge).

Ask him to have a serious think about the whole situation. About your life, and what that's like, his father's life and what that's like, and his own life. Ask him to think about what he thinks is fair. Work out some "open" questions (by which I mean questions that don't lead to a yes/no answer to encourage him to think about the setup.

eg:

Can you explain to me - so I can see it from your point of view - how you think this arrangement is working?

What do you think life is like for me at the moment?

Why do you think Dad says these things to me / to you?

Thats really good...thank you very much!!!.i never thought of it that way before...just couldnt see the wood for the trees.

If you are your sons prime carer and are trying the best you can to do things right, you are a good mum and your Ex is a total shite bully.

Of course you cant be arrested for grounding your son. Your Ex is a nasty piece of work and you must not allow his threats to intimdate you
I suggest you move away. . .at least 10 miles.
Your DS will manipulate you for what he wants because he knows you Ex is not supporting you .
Children can be very sneaky/manipulative to get what they want. It doesnt mean your DS doesnt love you , he is still young and children/teenagers can be selfish. Your Ds will play you both off against each other, because you are not 'singing the same song'.
Your Ex cant stop you moving to another part of town. . .i recommend a bit further tbh. He cant stop you , why on earth would you think he can. He will sulk and maybe stamp his feet, but he will get over it.

If you do move ignore all nasty spiteful threats from Ex. You have care and control of your Ds .
Its seems you need to get advice and help and support from a solicitor or the Mediation service who help parents communicate for the sake of the child.

I have looked into mediation, but know for a fact he wont do it..he wont even answer a text from me..even with a simple "ok" if i have asked him to speak to liam about behaviour/school etc!....you are so right with what you say about teens being selfish and manipulative..having constant battles ATM !!...can i just ask what DS stands for??been reading messages, and not sure what all the acronyms i read mean?..lol...I am going to the CAB (i get that acronym lol) next week for advise xx...what is boiling my p*s at the moment is my ex just tells my son .."you are staying at mine tonight"..i dont even get asked!!!...if i say NO to my son, a whole load of s*t gets kicked up!!!..sorry for language..really fuming!!..lol...it's almost like my ex can dictate what HE wants to do with liam without asking me, yet i have to gain permission to take liam out for the day with my partner and we dont even have set days when the ex sees liam!!!.....i think i have been for too lenient for far too long!!...just need to find the inner strength to stand up to this man..but find it too hard and stressful!!......the ex is also dragging things up out of the past..things that i have done, and telling Liam..i dont know why other than to gain brownie points, sympathy or pity..and this is just not fair on me or my son!!!.....you know what??..the more i think about it all the angrier i am becoming!!!!...

lydia this sounds horrible, but you do need to calm down and look at each step rationally.

of COURSE you can move, you are allowed to do that. And of course you can take your son out for the day - and of course you can discipline him however you want.

As hard as it is you do need to start being very firm and standing up to your ex. Your son needs clear boundaries too - its bad for him if you give in on discipline unfortunately, however tought it might be.

The police would laugh in your exes face if you called them over a discipline issue - you need to be firm and go ahead with your own plans and put the ballin his court legally.

If he wants to challenge your behavior then that is for him to do legally - stop changing your behaviour just because of his threats.

At 13 the courts would listen to what your son wanted to do.

Does he want to live with you or his dad?

I mean - think about it - do all divorced parents live on the same road as each other?
Do the people regularly respond to calls from children who are grounded or parents complaining because their child can't go to a party?! Its ridiculous!

This man is not going to change - so you have to change your attitude to him. Be calm and have as little to do with him as possible.

live your life in the way you want to - dont justify that to him. If you have to say why you are moving, say it's because you want to - its that simple. You have seen a house you like.

Be firm with your son, let him know the situation is hard for you but through conversation as someone above described.

Find out exactly your legal rights and then be firm about how you will be parenting your child.

Its hard to have this horrible bully in your life, but dont let him bring his poison into your mind. Just be glad you arent with him and that you are a better person than him!

sorry, do the POLIce..that should say

When my son doesnt get his own way he says he wants to live with his dad....he tells me he wants to be here with me and his brother...tells his dad he wants to be with him!!!...logistically his dad couldnt have him full time..his job wouldnt allow that..plus the ex doesnt even have his own place...he lives with his brother in his house!!!......my concerns are MY son...ex's concerns are himself!!!!!...

I know i need to change my behaviour!!..in all honesty, it has taken me 12 months to become who i am now...for 13 years i was dominated...and bullied....but after last night all my new found confidence has been blown out of the window and i feel back to where i was 12 months ago!!!

All i can see is me losing my son to the ex..and feeling helpless to stop it cos i aint got the minerals to stand up to the ex!!!..hate myself for that..i really do!!!....I could get down right dirty if i wanted to, but dont want to push my son even further away :(

When you say your XP lives with his brother, in his brother's house, how big is this house?

Keep a diary/log of all that happens, see a solicitor, and ask them if you would be entitled to legal aid, based on your income.

Have you been to court at all yet? Has residency been decided via court yet? Or is it just that DS lives with you as his main home, but nothing formal has been drawn up?

As far as I see it, you need to stop trying to communicate directly with your ex. Get a solicitor sorted, and make some decisions about what you think is reasonable (lots of good posts on that already). It seems to me that your ex is fully aware that he is being unreasonable with the things he says regarding your DS(Dearest Son - it's normal to use this term rather than a name to preserve anonymity, so you have DS1 and his bro, DS2, and your current partner is DP), which is one reason for him not engaging, the other one being control of you which clearly works.

What is DS1's relationship with your DP like? Could he perhaps attempt to have a chat with him about the way his and ExP's behaviour are affecting you?! Not in a shouty, DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS IS HURTING YOUR MOTHER way, but over a coffee, or driving to football practice or similar - let him get a man's perspective on the situation? Are your parents or other family nearby to give you support?

Good luck with this, but I definitely think you need to grow some cojones to deal with this shit bag excuse for a man and TELL HIM how things are going to be not beg for scraps when he's finished pissing about emotionally abusing you.

As you said in an earlier post, get thee to CAB!!!