Help with unreasonable ex !!!!

[lydia15]

I need help. me and my ex split a year ago, we never married or lived together, he does however have a PR agreement. My ex will NOT communicate with me over matters regarding my son, schooling, behaviour etc..i text and ring but get no reply!!!..my ex see's my son everyday as lives down same street..I dont want to talk to my ex face to face as he frightens me. I want to move to another part of town, but apparently he wont let me, i want to take my son out for days with me and my new partner, he wont let me, even tho he takes my son out all the time!!...i have been told, through my son, that if i move out of the street he will apply for full custody of my son!!!!....I feel so sorry for my son cos messages are passed through him, despite me trying to text my ex.apparently when i send him a text he gets my son to read, then delete it!!!....I feel trapped and desperate..I am having such a bad time with my ex..i dont want confrontation, but then again dont want to roll over and give in!!..I dont know which way to turn now..feeling helpless and desolate ..Oh ad before i forget, my son was due to go to a party tonight, and we had a massive fight....I grounded him, he rang his dad, and his dad said he was going to call the police and have me arrested..is this even possible???

Just saw you said he is like his dad - do be careful of making that comparison. because you were abused you will be more likely to find his normal teenage behaviour 'abusive'. When as I said, it's normal and a sign that your son is having a hard time. Don't put that label on him.

Hve you had counselling about the abuse?

It isn;t good for a 13 year old to control a parent. It isn't good for that 13 year old. He's learning how to treat women from hiw father - do you want him to treat his own wife or girlfriend that way? You have to stand up to your son and say, these are my house rules, your dad and you have a separate relationship. I don't care what he says because this is between us.

If he says he wants to go and live with his dada, say that obviously you'd rather he lived with you but that you will respect his wishes and love him anyway. You CANNOT have him emotionally blackmail and bully you, for HIS sake. You need to be the adult and the one in control, setting boundaries.

I really think you need to move for your son's sake. And you need a solicitor.

Your ex can't take you to court if he refuses mediation - well, he can, but there is a box on the forms saying "have you tried mediation?" and a refusal is always something a judge looks badly on.

I'd also talk to your GP about this, play up the strain it's placing on you, and get a referral to some kind of family therapy. You need to get a grip on it before your ex wrecks your entire life, and your son turns into him.

Agree with waterrat that your son at the moment is being a normal teenager. If you respond appropriately then he will grow up appropriately - you're the adult, you can set the boundaries. It's his job, right now, to push you, challenge you, demand what he wants. It's his job as a teenager. He needs you to be calm, consistent and reasonable back - so hard, I know, when you're scared of this man.

I'd refuse all contact with your ex except via email. Gently tell your son you aren't willing for him to be caught in the middle any more and he is not to relay any messages, walk away when he tries, say it's not fair on him. If your ex wants to talk then he can be an adult about it.

And please, please move. A restraining order WOULD work then, if need be.

Do you live in the South-West? I can recommend a brilliant solicitor in cases of domestic abuse if so. She'd sort this man out fast.

on saturday i had a talk with my DS1...he said he wanted to live with his dad....he said it was because he had a car and money to spend on him.

I asked him about what effect this would have on DS2..he said he wern't bothered and he didnt like DS2!!!..I burst into tears..my DS2 welled up too!!!...the whole situation was heartbreaking.

I told DS1 if he wanted to go to his dads then to go, DS1 said "my dad can't have me at his brothers house as his brother wouldn't like it"...I said, "if your dad wanted you to live with him so much he would have sorted out his own place by now"..also said that "things" didnt make his life comfortable, and all the things i do like, cook, pay bills to keep him warm and dry, educate him, make him better when ill etc.. may not seem important, but without them his life would be in danger and would constitute neglect!!!...a PS3, designer clothes, iPad etc wernt esssentials!!! ( I was angry).

I also told him about things like school holidays..esp the long summer hols, who would look after him!!!!..I work in a school so get all holidays off...I think after bringing home some home truths he started to see that what i do for him on a day in day out basis was more than he first thought......

DS1 saw the effect this attitude had on me and my eldest son..he soon changed his mind......

I also explained to him what emotional abuse was, and emotional blackmail..i also told him the bad things his dad had done to me..my ex did it to me by telling my son what I had done, and i thought, NO MORE!!...who am i protecting??..DS1 or my ex??.....so i told him everything.

Anyway regarding my ex calling the police of me for grounding my son, well, he was gunna come round and forceably take DS1 from my house, but didnt because he would have been arrested for abduction!!!...

Anyway things have calmed down, my son still has major attitude probs atm, i have grounded him again, and explained to him that his dad cant do ANYTHING whilst under my roof!!!!...

Well done you for setting the boundaries and being the adult, but it's sad you felt you had to bring the past into all this, for your DS. Ordinarily I don't agree with that, but in your situation I actually doubt you had any real choice. And 13 is not too young to understand all the hard graft of parenting, not at all.

You do still need a solicitor, and you need to move. I honestly do feel that really strongly. This man wants you there so he can carry on controlling you. You move, you set out clear boundaries for contact time, and he can't. It will be over. Permanently. And that has to be in the interests of every single person under your roof.

Well done Lydia you are in a tough situation and sounds like you handled it really well. Your son won't be a grumpy teen forever and a lot of this is hormonal. One day he will really appreciate what you have done so stay strong.

Just a quick update. Things havn't been getting any better with the ex and my DS, 3 weeks ago my son told me he was going on a school residential trip, he never asked my permission, but asked his dad instead, when I finally found out I told my DS I couldn't afford for him to go and to tell his dad so, he didn't, now the ex has demanded I pay £100 by today, I sent him a text outlining the reasons why I couldn't pay, including the fact that HE gave consent without me knowing, so HE can pay!!!!..he has now stopped my maintenence to re-coup my £100.

Another thing, I have sent the ex many texts, and a letter stating that he really needs to be in communication for our DS sake,due to the amount of issues i am having with him... I have heard nothing, he sends messages through my DS, so now, as soon as my son tries to pass a message on, I stop him in his tracks and tell him that if his dad has anything to say to me he can text me or write a letter, or even talk to me, but he wont!!..I am trying to take the burden of my son, he is not a carrier pigeon!!!.....my son hates this, but i have to do it to force my ex into talking to me.

My son has also been viewing pornographic material on his ipad his dad bought him, and he buys him posters of half naked women, i stated in my letter to the ex that this was in appropriate, but he has said nothing to my DS, just laughed.....OH also, I wrote the ex a long and detailed letter stating the issues i am having with my DS, and how his lack of interest is causing harm..etc etc...also said if he didn't reply i would take it that he wasn't interested in our sons welfare...what did he do???..showed it to my son!!!!..that was so out of order, it wasn't for my son to see, it was private for his dad only....this is what i am up against..ex shows my DS every text too, and gets him to delete it....the EX it trying to turn my son against me by playing the ..."poor old me" card!!!!

Also I have an appointment with a solicitor, not till mid April, as only 2 solicitors where i live do legal aid, the other one couldn't see me till june!!!!!!...I have also been to see my doctor who has referred me for councelling and given me anti- depressents to cope, and my son has been referred back to his mental health worker, i have an appointment next week, just me and him, so i can talk about how everything has been effecting my DS.

I am dreading seeing the solicitor, as i just know that everything i do my ex will tell my DS that i am doing it to stop him seeing him, which is far from the truth, but the ex will say this to win sympathy from my DS, and to make my DS hate me. I want it in black and white when the EX can see my DS, all i want is every other weekend, so i can do things, go out etc...as can my EX. But he wont see it like that, It is going to be a rough old road, and i suspect my DS is going to hate me along the way and side with his dad, but there is nothing i can do there, I just hope and pray that one day my DS will see that everything i am going to do, is in his best interests.