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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help with unreasonable ex !!!!

57 replies

lydia15 · 18/02/2011 19:32

I need help. me and my ex split a year ago, we never married or lived together, he does however have a PR agreement. My ex will NOT communicate with me over matters regarding my son, schooling, behaviour etc..i text and ring but get no reply!!!..my ex see's my son everyday as lives down same street..I dont want to talk to my ex face to face as he frightens me. I want to move to another part of town, but apparently he wont let me, i want to take my son out for days with me and my new partner, he wont let me, even tho he takes my son out all the time!!...i have been told, through my son, that if i move out of the street he will apply for full custody of my son!!!!....I feel so sorry for my son cos messages are passed through him, despite me trying to text my ex.apparently when i send him a text he gets my son to read, then delete it!!!....I feel trapped and desperate..I am having such a bad time with my ex..i dont want confrontation, but then again dont want to roll over and give in!!..I dont know which way to turn now..feeling helpless and desolate ..Oh ad before i forget, my son was due to go to a party tonight, and we had a massive fight....I grounded him, he rang his dad, and his dad said he was going to call the police and have me arrested..is this even possible???

OP posts:
Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 09:57

I am glad he isnt in my life...taken me years to grow big enough Bs to get away from him....

I will go to the CAB and get something in writing stating what my rights are, and his!!....

i just want this man out of my life!!!....it is sooooo hard to put into words how he makes me feel and how he plays with my mind!!!..you hear stories about women staying in physically/mentally damaging relationships, and wanna just scream at them to just walk away...sooo hard tho when you are in that situation!!...I would rather be beaten black and blue rather than suffer mental torture!!!....

OP posts:
portaloo · 19/02/2011 10:01

Have you considered ringing Womens Aid? They can offer some very valuable advice in situations such as the one you describe, and are available 24/7.

Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 10:04

My DS1's relationship with my DP is good!!!...DP always involves him in everything that we want to do, and gives him the option!!..My DP has said that he will talk to my EX, not to shout, but to just re-itterate that he is NOT trying to be a father to him, or replace him in any way shape or form!!!!

DP hasn't as yet sat and chatted to DS1 as our relationship is still fairly new!!...but i will suggest it x

OP posts:
Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 10:05

I rang womens aid last january when me and EX split, because i was frightened!!!....I just talked to the person on the phone..and that was about it!!

OP posts:
portaloo · 19/02/2011 10:07

Did they offer you any advice lydia15?

Why is your XP's house unsuitable for your DS to live there?

Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 10:12

I dont think it is unsuitable..its just that it's not his house..it's his brothers!!!!..and i dont think his brother will want DS1 living there...there is no provision for DS1, when he stays over DS1 has his dads bed, and his dad sleeps on the sofa!!!..

I didnt get any advise really..they just let me vent my spleen!!.x

OP posts:
portaloo · 19/02/2011 10:25

Sounds like your XP's house is only 2 bedroomed?

My advice to you would be, like other posters, see a solicitor.

It's not unusual for an abusive partner to continue his abusive behaviour through the children once the relationship has ended. It is a way of still abusing you, when your XP can't/wont actually speak to you.

A solicitor will be able to advise you whether you'll be entitled to legal aid, and if you are, you can decide to formalise things through a court, ie: how much contact XP has, when he sees your son, how long for, how you communicate with each other and who has residency.

Once you have these things in place formally, your DS will know when he spends time with his dad, and when he doesn't. I think this would make things clearer for everyone, including your DS.

In the meantime, if it was me, I'd be practising 'calling XP's bluff'. Smile

Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 10:54

This is a 3 bed house..but no one is allowed to sleep in the 3rd bedroom as it was their mothers!!!....

went to court 8 years ago for EX to get PR agreement......

no formal times or days for access..DS1 sees dad as and when he pleases!!! which I have never objected to x

OP posts:
portaloo · 19/02/2011 10:59

Do you want things to carry on the way they are, with your XP seeing DS as and when he pleases?

portaloo · 19/02/2011 11:03

Do you have a residency agreement and your XP has PR?
Or do you have the same as your XP, just PR?

Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 11:08

No i dont, but i dont know how to stop is as DS1 can just go round there when he likes, bearing in mind ex lives no more than 30 feet from me!!!..ex also works locally and when DS1 goes out to play he goes see ex at work!!.......

to get the geography clear, i live down 16 house terrace street..very short, at the bottom are garages, my ex has one which he keeps car in, so always walking past my window!!..liam just walks out the door to go see him!!!...

once had restraining order on the ex..its didnt work as ex has to pass by house everyday to get to his garage!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 11:08

No residence agreement..only PR x

OP posts:
Andwellwasi · 19/02/2011 11:10

I can't see the problem with a 13 year old seeing his dad when he wants, unless he's in danger.

portaloo · 19/02/2011 11:18

I'm just wondering what's to stop your DS suddenly deciding he wants to live with your XP tomorrow?
Seems to me that you both have equal rights as far as the law is concerned.

Is your DS registered at your address for school/dentist/doctors/tax credits/child benefit?

Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 11:20

I have no problem with it either, the only problem i am having is that the ex can take DS1 out whenever he chooses even without asking or telling me..DS1 will just say to me "going out with dad today staying at his overnight"..yet i am not allowed to!!..and DS1 resides with me. EX said last night if i didnt let DS1 out of his grounding lastnight i couldnt take DS1 out today!!!!..this is what i am up against!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 11:24

yes DS1 is registered at my address !!...been a few occassions when DS1 been staying at EX house and not felt well enough to go to school, but EX not contacted school to tell them, so I have been getting into bother..also I had to take DS1 to docs last year, i needed to talk to EX regarding it..he wouldn't...wanted DS1 to tell him what was wrong, but because of the nature of the visit, he couldn't....ex doesnt know who DS1 doctor is!!

All tax credits etc registered at my address.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 19/02/2011 11:27

Ok. I think your son is learning from his dad how to bully you. These empty threats have to stop. Ask him if he really wants to live with his dad, and when the answer is no, as it will be, tell him you're fed up with him using empty threats to upset you. Tell him you just don't want to hear it again. The only answer to this is to try to make your son understand that he's being used as a bully's pawn. You don't want him to grow up an abuser himself.

TheProvincialLady · 19/02/2011 11:28

It sounds to me like your son is in a horrible position (caused by your ex NOT you) and is likely to be suffering long term emotional trauma. Could you speak to the school about arranging some counselling for him? It might help clarify his mind about who he really wants to live with and to let go of some of the guilt he feels. Poor lad, and poor youSad

portaloo · 19/02/2011 11:32

You have exactly the same rights as your XP.

With no formal contact agreement in place, your XP can take your DS out whenever he chooses, as can you.

You share the parenting of your DS, in as much as if you want to take your DS out, you can, same as he can.
If your DS wants to stay with dad all week, or even all month, he can.

You don't have to give in to your XP's demands to lift DS's grounding, just because your XP says so, same as your XP can discipline your DS or not as he sees fit, so long as he is not breaking the law.

Your XP should not be dictating what you do with your DS while he is with you, same as you don't while DS is with him.

My concern would be that your DS is acting as the go between, passing all messages between you and your XP, because your XP refuses to communicate with you.

There appear to be no boundaries between your XP and yourself, and you back down and give your DS and your XP what they want for an easy life, even though it is causing you a great deal of uncertainty on a day to day basis and turmoil. Is that right?

Andwellwasi · 19/02/2011 11:32

'Ask him if he really wants to live with his dad, and when the answer is no, as it will be,'

And if the answer is yes?

portaloo · 19/02/2011 11:34

This would be my concern too Andwellwasi.

Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 11:36

longtalljosie and theprovinciallady...you are both so right!!!....and DS1 has stress related OCD because of the split from my ex !!!...my DS1 is the double of his dad..thats why a lot of this is so hard..i feel like i am up against 2 EP's..xx...

OP posts:
Original poster
lydia15 · 19/02/2011 11:38

If the answer is yes....then god knows what i will do..doesnt bear thinking about.....just feel like everything is falling apart round my ears :(

OP posts:
portaloo · 19/02/2011 11:39

Would you consider going to see a solicitor lydia15? Or are you hoping that this can be sorted out amicably and not be taken down the legal route?

waterrat · 19/02/2011 11:40

Lydia - you say 'he can do what he wants but I'm not allowed to'. But this isn't true - you are 'allowed' to - he is just making life difficult for you. So you need to tackle this step by step.

As everyone says get proper legal advice and get a proper custody arrangement set up.

You are of course right to let your son see his dad as often as he likes - as long as you can control where he stays at night ie. he cant just decide to stay there without your permission.

If you make it clear to your son that you will always allow him to see his dad, would he be calmer about moving/ making sure he comes home when he has to? I think as someone else said, get your current partner on side and have a really calm chat with your son, about why you need clear structures in place.

The poor kid is under horrible emotional pressure from your ex - so try and ignore the teenage tantrums

It's great that you are supportive of your son seeing his father - you are clearly a good mother and have done well to get away from this odious man.

But while continuing to allow him to see his dad, you can get a clear idea of what you can do yourself as mother.

I think you also have to separate normal teenage behaviour out from this - I was hideous to my mother from about 13 to 18....! he will play up and you just have to not sweat the small stuff - its a tough situation for him, let him have his tantrums and just be very clear what your rules for him are.

You really have to stop giving in on disciplinary issues when your ex intervenes - thats bad for your son.

It sounds very tough - but the sooner you get legal backing for your guidelines then set them clearly the better. Make all contact with the ex very official.

Your son isnt going to grow up to be an abuser just because he shouts at you! that is really unhelpful advice - all teens are nightmares sometimes. He is just a kid still.

anyway, good luck, be strong and believe in yourself. and just accept there will be bumps along the way, but dont give up

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