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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Grim Query - not for the sheltered!!!

62 replies

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 14:43

I am so out of touch with my gut feelings - perhaps you can give me a steer or reinforce what I think.
Have been seeing someone since January. Everything going reasonably well, although not sure he was my next Mr Right/Wrong/Whatever.
Anyhow, after spending Friday & Saturday night together last weekend I noticed on Sunday morning a distinctly cold sore like sore on his willy. Not a new one but one on the way out.
I was horrified. However, because I am so hopeless at confrontation I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
Went to clinic on Friday to be tested for EVERYTHIG and told him what I was doing & why. He said "Oh, I don't know what those are, I get them when I'm run down". Purlease!!!! This guy is a sophisticated 39 yr old Londoner.
As far as I'm concerned our relationship is over. I'm genuinely appalled that he slept with me while he had this thing. I'm presuming that you all think this is absolutely the right thing to do & I shouldn't be giving him any second chances. (Aren't you????)
Sorry if I have grossed anyone out.

OP posts:

suzywong · 16/10/2005 14:47

how upsetting for you

never come across ( pardon the phrasing) anything like that but I don't think any kind of manky or flakey bit should go unmentioned

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 16/10/2005 14:49

It's herpes by the sound of it. It's the same virus that causes cold sores but it isn't exactly the same (sorry if you know all this). He must have known, surely? You may or may not have caught it though, it's like if you kiss someone with a cold sore you might or might not catch it. I get cold sores and will therefore forever have the cold sore virus (not the herpes virus) but they only come out when I am exceptionally run down and luckily I havent had one for over 8 years. Yes, I'd ditch him for his lack of honesty. He's either selfish or stupid and presumably you don't want to be with someone who's either of those?

Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 14:50

particularly if it is Herpes and an STD!!!!!!! Am so unspeakably angry.

OP posts:

jollymum · 16/10/2005 14:50

Please tell me you used a condom?[shock} Hope it's not serious, guy should defintely have told you.!

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 16/10/2005 14:50

He MUST have known, surely, unless he's a complete f*wit.

mrspink27 · 16/10/2005 14:51

does sound particularly grim and a very off of him not to have told you.... if you were having safe sex there's probably less reason to be worried, although if you were ...erm.. how should i out this delicately.... going down on him, i would be completely grossed out....

i dont necessarily know whether i would call the relationship over if it was me, but if you were looking for a reason to get rid, even subconciously, then this might have been the deciding factor... depends how strongly you feel about him i guess...

cant help with identification of the cold sore thing tho.... eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!

Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 14:51

WWW, posts crossed - you are right. I knew what it was as soon as I saw it - can't believe he could be so unaware as not to realise that is what he had.

OP posts:

Octobernow · 16/10/2005 14:52

I'm sending you this because I think under the circumstances you would want to know. Don't want to worry you as it may not be this, but he's a grown up and should get himself checked out.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 16/10/2005 14:52

herpes info

Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 14:54

No, not safe sex. Had moved on from that. Want to slap myself for not having the STD conversation properly. I just presumed that he would come clean voluntarily. Anyway, had every single STD test there is and praying that he hasn't given me anything more serious.
Stupid, stupid me. Always seem to have to learn everything the hard way.

OP posts:

Octobernow · 16/10/2005 15:01

Not stupid you, bugsy - stupid him. Most people relax the safe sex rules when they are getting more serious with someone, don't they? I think you've done exactly the right thing in having all the tests and fingers crossed you'll be fine. You can snog the face off someone with cold sore for instance and not develop one yourself (although it's not advisable)

Have you told him he's dumped and why, or are you waiting for the results? If he hasn't infected you would you want to stay with him and help him get treatment and awareness? Or are you too angry that he could have been so slapdash in the first place?

Men are notoriously unlikely to get themselves a health check, especially in the nuts department - it's a real concern for the health service.

What I mean is - is he a poor soul who needs help or a f*wit who needs slapping.

ihaveit · 16/10/2005 15:03

I know all about it, as I got it from my first boyfriend through aral sex. There are two tupes, hsv1 and hsv1 and you can get both either on your mouth or the genital area. He may not be aware what they are, because some people have it so mildly they dodn't get any other symptoms (like flu etc). The first one is always the worst but it does get less frequent and soon they stop completly for some - they have for me. However, it can still be passed on, and I have just found that my soon to be exh has just got it, and he passed it on to the girl he had an affair with. The guilt I feel is awful. He knew from the beginning that I had it, but it still does not stop me feeling this way. I don't feel bad about having it, because the only difference between cold sores on your mouth and cold sores down there are that they are in different places and there is such a stigma surrounding herpes. It makes me feel quite down to see people referring to it as disgusting and repulsive because I feel that they might think that about the person who has it - ie me. 90% of the population have antibodies to HSV1 (normally associated with the mouth) and 30% have antibodies to HSV2 (associated with the genitals) so more people have it than you may think.

ihaveit · 16/10/2005 15:04

I mean 'oral' sex!

Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 15:08

I suppose there is just an outside chance that he may not know that a cold sore on his willy is herpes.
However, to me, it is just common sense not to bonk anyone when you have an open sore of any kind. Urgh, so gross.

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Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 15:10

I don't think Cold Sores or Herpes are disgusting or repulsive. I think it is disgusting behaviour to bonk someone when you have an outbreak!

OP posts:

ihaveit · 16/10/2005 15:11

I do agree with you, but I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. Because of the stigma surrounding it, a lot of people do bury their head in the sand about it because it is too difficult to confront. I understand your anger, but you can get it from a lot more people than you think and you may have sex with someone else who has never had a symptom in his life but is unwittingly a carrier and passes it on through assymptomatic shedding.

bakabat · 16/10/2005 15:12

bugsy- he may just have been incredibly unaware. I shared a house with a guy once who passed herpes onto a girl he slept with (he was her first!) and he was genuinely unaware that he had it (he was Italian and very open about sex- we all had far tmi). once he knew he went and got himself tested for everything. (everything else clear btw). How long do you have to wait for the resuts?

marthamoo · 16/10/2005 15:13

Bugsy - I'm so sorry. I hope all your tests come back negative - it's a nerve wracking time while you're waiting though (been there, done that). Herpes is horrid - one of my friends caught it years ago though the attacks are very infrequent now. I don't believe a 39 year old could be so stupid - anything dodgy on your genitals needs checking out.

prettyfly1 · 16/10/2005 15:13

herpes is an incurable but controllable std so please dont panic. his lack of concern for you shows either immense naievety or extreme selfishness and i think you should really be considering not having a future with him. i am sorry this has happened to you, whatever your feelings on the subject are it is tough to have to go through testing and i am sorry that you were put in that position.

ihaveit · 16/10/2005 15:15

BTW, I am not siding with him, I just understand about the pain it can cause emotionally. If I were you I would boost your immune system with things like echinacea, l-lysine and multivits and avoid alcohol, chocolate, orange juice, coffee a week or two. The stronger your system is, the less likely it will be passed on.

Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 15:15

Get all results on 27th Oct. He is the only person I have had uprotected sex with since I split with faithless ex husbund. I was tested for everything after ex-H's affair came to light, so if I have anything - it can only be from current boyf. (or ex boyf)

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MeerkatsUnite · 16/10/2005 16:32

He said "Oh, I don't know what those are, I get them when I'm run down".

That comment seems to suggest he's had such things more than once. He has not been honest at all has he?. I sincerely hope that he has not passed on the herpes virus to you and your results come back clear.

It may be wise to be retested in a few months time to ensure that nothing is amiss.

TinyGang · 16/10/2005 16:37

That is not nice. Not resposible and not considerate. I would not wish to continue with this if it were me. Take care of yourself, and definately get re-tested as Meerkat suggests. Not your fault but sophisticated he ain't! You deserve better.

Mosschops30 · 16/10/2005 17:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Bugsy2 · 16/10/2005 21:23

Thank you all. If nothing else your wry comments about the lack wittedness of some members of the male species has made me laugh.
I hope I'll still be able to laugh on 27th!

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