Grim Query - not for the sheltered!!!

[Bugsy2]

I am so out of touch with my gut feelings - perhaps you can give me a steer or reinforce what I think.
Have been seeing someone since January. Everything going reasonably well, although not sure he was my next Mr Right/Wrong/Whatever.
Anyhow, after spending Friday & Saturday night together last weekend I noticed on Sunday morning a distinctly cold sore like sore on his willy. Not a new one but one on the way out.
I was horrified. However, because I am so hopeless at confrontation I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
Went to clinic on Friday to be tested for EVERYTHIG and told him what I was doing & why. He said "Oh, I don't know what those are, I get them when I'm run down". Purlease!!!! This guy is a sophisticated 39 yr old Londoner.
As far as I'm concerned our relationship is over. I'm genuinely appalled that he slept with me while he had this thing. I'm presuming that you all think this is absolutely the right thing to do & I shouldn't be giving him any second chances. (Aren't you????)
Sorry if I have grossed anyone out.

A question for anyone here who's had them: do they tingle, before they come on, like oral cold sores?

STDs are such a nasty thing ... I was very stupid as a teenager, and never caught a thing, then settled down with someone, who turned out to have HPV (warts). Whoops. I didn't catch them, although I've told everyone I've had unprotected sex with since, that there was a possibility I might have it. (That being said, something like 30% of all people my age have HPV, from what I know.)

Get tested for all STDs! Not to scare you but I once had a 1 night stand who gave me 2 serious stds. HPV (genital warts) & Chlamydia.

It might shock some of you that I'd admit to this online but i'll take the shame to prevent someone else getting ill.

allhallows, I asked for everything! HIV, syphillis etc etc etc. If there is anything there, I'd rather know and deal with it as early as possible.

One of them puts you at risk for ovarian cancer. I had to have laser surgery to get rid of the warts & am still tested yearly. Nasty! I hope you're clear but better to find out asap one way or the other.

Get rid of the jerk, btw. I hope his d*ck falls off! He must know he's got an std & to have sex with you without warning you first is criminal.

allhallows, I am pretty sure I didn't get any. We broke up over 10 years ago, I've checked every suspicious bump since then, and I did have a colposcopy.

I was pretty lucky, as he had topical treatment, then freezing, then lasers, and finally electrical treatment (ouch!) to get rid of his. They weren't very obvious at all, and were very slow-growing, so there wasn't an obvious change IYSWIM.

Allhallows, how does having HPV affect your relationships? Has it been a big issue? I am only asking because I will be splitting up from my husband, and although I can't imagine getting into another relationship right now, I am really nervous at the prospect of having to tell someone all over again that I have HSV. My h has been quite nasty about it all, even though I told him at the start.

God, I feel for you - one of my very best friends has just been through a herpes scare as a result of her ex and it was awful for her.

Luckily she was OK - hope very much you will be too.

Well, it's a very strange story. The Infected One was actually a date rape but a very sophisticated & influential person who invited me to dinner & then insisted on seeing me to my front door. He wheedled his way in and basically forced himself on me. I was too in awe of him & his influence in our social circle to tell anyone. I went to a party he gave & met dh to be there. When I found out I was infected, I was seeing dh. I told him immediately, of course, & we both had laser surgery & had to go on a course of extremely strong antibiotics. We were as sick as dogs! I knew who it was as I was not promiscuous & dh threatened to knock his block off. We also got tested for HIV, with dh saying "If we have it, we'll go down together with all guns blazing." I loved him for it! There has been no one else since & so far, we are still both uninfected 11 years later. Touch wood.

It's so good that you have a support there. I feel so insecure about it now, even though before I met my h I had come to terms with it. He has made me feel disgusting, dirty and horrible because I have it, and I feel like I am a leper now. I know he feels angry because he has it now because of me, but I told him right from the start, so I don't understand why he's acting like this.

You are most certainly not disgusting, dirty or horrible. He is for making you feel that way!

Thanks, I know you are right but I know its going to take me a long time to get over my insecurity again. I was devasted when I got it, and I have that feeling all over again. He even thought I was lying about how I got it because the nurse told him it was highky unlikely that I got it from a cold sore during oral sex!

Don't mean to hijack your thread Bugsy. I hope it is all ok for you.

I'm another who got it from oral sex with someone with a cold sore: I had no idea and neither did he.

I found it devastating to begin with, but have had a lot of relationships since, and have never passed it on.

Some men are very oblivious. I had a long time bf who when i told him said 'oh I think I get that', but hadn't thought about it.

If you know what you are doing, it is easy not to cause a risk to others. Outbreaks are very infrequent.

It's one of those things. It isn't disgusting, it's the same family of virus as chickenpox and shingles.

All hallows - yes, it tingles before an outbreak.

You can minimise the effect by using zovirax (?) during the first attack.

And it is like cold sores except the sores are only about as big as a pinhead.

Hope you turn out ok Bugsy, can you find out if your bf was wilfully pulling the wool over your eyes, or just ignorant and dopey?

Hi sorepoint, its reassuring to hear that you have had positive experiences. I was beginning to think that there are no other mumsnetters who have it!

I have always thought about the virus the same as you - from the same family as chicken pox etc - but my h didn't want to hear any of that. People don't think twice if you have coldsores on your face, but if you have coldsores on your genital area nobody wants to talk about it. I have only ever told a few friends and I have never told my family because I would feel too uncomfortable to do so.

Herpes is very common.
TBH I never found anyone who freaked out about it if I was upfront and open and gave them the information. And we practised safe sex anyway. Condoms.
When you are familiar with the symptoms of an attack about to happen it is easy to take care and not have sex. You can do lots of things as long as anything which has come in touch with the sore does not come in touch with your partner. Mutual masterbation is ok as long as he then doesn't touch himself at all.
I found calm ways to explain it. Like it's only a little version of a cold sore, and you can't possibly catch it when it is dormant. Like you can't catch chicken pox when it is dormant, but it comes out occasionally as shingles. But you wouldn't avoid someone who has had shingles!

Actually most men really aren't daunted. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse!
Ihaveit, your ex h is just using it as a stick to beat you. Don't take it to heart.

The problem is though, you can transmit it when you don't have one. I have not had it actively for six years but I still managed to pass it on to my h. Before that I always thought I was ok because it had been so long since I had any sores but obviously I was shedding the virus without being aware of it. H passed it on to the girl who he had the affair with and they only had sex once with a condom.

i know it's common because I know the statistics, it's just difficult when people think it is a death sentence.

"I have not had it actively for six years but I still managed to pass it on to my h. Before that I always thought I was ok because it had been so long since I had any sores but obviously I was shedding the virus without being aware of it. H passed it on to the girl who he had the affair with and they only had sex once with a condom."

I think that shows even more that your exh is using this to beat you up. He could easily have caught it independently before he met you. It can lie doormant for years. And as for the story about only once with a condom - and he 'of course' didn't have an outbreak...I think he is having you on. Really.

He told me that he did have a couple when he had sex with her. She was a virgin, so no possibility of it being anyone else. Actually, she was the one who told me that it was only the once and I caught her in a state of confusion and put her on the spot, so I do believe that to be the case.

It could well be that he had it before me. Who knows. It is just another thing he uses to emotionally beat me up, because his affair was just the tip of the iceberg in regards to how he treated me.

Without going into tmi, it doesn't just appear on the penis, and I think that's how it was transmitted, even though he wore a condom. He said he had one on his testicles.

I got it years and years before I met him, so I know it wasn't him. I have mixed emotions about her getting to it. I feel really sorry for her, but then I also feel a bit like it's karma, because she knew he was married and still pursued him. Wrong of me to think that I know, but I can't help it.

Ihaveit - if he had sex with her when he had sores he is 100% irresponsible and selfish and has no right to try and pass his guilt on to you, no matter whether he got it from you in the first place or not. I do feel sorry for the poor woman he had an affair with, and with you. What a bastard.
You were in a relationship with him, you tild him the truth, bad luck if he did catch it, buut you told him the truth.
He then went on and treated someone else much worse.
That isn't your responsibility AT ALL.