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For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

467 replies

poshsinglemum · 17/02/2011 22:22

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 22:23

I'm sorry Stealth but your message makes no sense at all. Sorry. You seem to be saying Actions= availability=unattached= sex .
whereas I see it as
Actions=availability= possibly attached or unattached= sex or not depending on the woman's values regarding attached men.

End of- sorry but no more to add. deffo.

Gay40 · 20/02/2011 00:04

Who gives a fuck about previous names?

(Btw, my dad is probably bigger than your dad)

PeterAndreForPM · 20/02/2011 01:23

who you talking to there, gay ?

trying to muscle in on that conversation ?...your timing is way off

and no, my dad is a much more evil bastard than yours

so there Smile

StealthPolarBear · 20/02/2011 07:28

OK, so the only messages you receive are those that are spoken. Action and body language mean nothing.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 10:06

I used to be very jealous, I think it's part of being in love for me, probably very bad modelling from my parents........However I'm not anymore and kind of hope DH would piss off and fuck someone else so I have an excuse to kick him outSmile.

Gay40 · 20/02/2011 12:04

I'm talking to anyone who thought that folk changing names was interesting. It isn't.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 12:40

Is the position of some saying that you must weed out the cheat to stop him cheating? What about the next one? Perhaps we should wear burkas to prevent any temptation......evil sexual beings that women are.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/02/2011 12:49

Oh read the thread HateThePILS and stop taking the piss. That's NOT what anyone has said. And why are you trying to pass the responsibility and blame for your marriage ending, over to your H? Own your own choices, like a grown-up.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 12:54

What are you talking about? I have read the thread.people are saying that women are responsible for a man cheating.

HateThePILs · 20/02/2011 12:56

Wwifn. Quite unjustified....

TobyLerone · 20/02/2011 20:01

Berelin, I did not say, nor did I imply, that non-monogamous people are more 'enlightened'. In fact, that is something I loathe about the poly community in general -- the (misguided) opinion that they are more 'evolved' (their word, not mine) than monogamous people. It is a ridiculous point of view.

Perhaps 'ownership' was the wrong word. I can't think of a better one.

FWIW, despite having been in a non-monogamous relationship before, monogamy is my default and I am very happily in a monogamous relationship which appears to be heading for the 'forever' stuff. I have honestly never been happier. But that doesn't mean I can't see the value in non-monogamy.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/02/2011 21:19

I think that, whatever people actually choose to do WRT their sexual and romantic relationships, people who are at least aware that monogamy is not compulsory and for many people not remotely appealing, are a bit more 'evolved' than the ones who go blundering fromone monogamous-relationship-ended-by-cheating to the next without ever thinking about what it is they actually want.

cabbageroses · 20/02/2011 22:36

Maybe "self aware" is more appropriate. "Evolved " implies the type you describe are amoebic , whereas you imply you are somehow, well, higher up the food chain.

Of course, thre are plenty of people who fall into another category- they are serial monogamists who, for whatever reason, have a series of committed relationships, do not "blunder" from one relationship to the next , and don't find a way out by cheating.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/02/2011 23:13

Cabbageroses: the monogamists most likely to be happy are the ones who have thought it through before deciding they want monogamy. The ones who mess up their own lives and other people's are the ones who have swallowed the One True Love propaganda and not questioned or examined it.

cabbageroses · 21/02/2011 08:07

Lol. You do realise that you are always very patronising don't you?

We are not on the set on 1984- unless I missed something?
Propogada?

God, you are so patronising and up your own arse you know.

So all the world's great literature for the past 500 years or so is "propoganda" is it- where the desire for a monogamous relationship is pretty much the theme- as it reflects what most people aspire to.

I fully agree with you in that you are free to choose the lifestyle you want- but will you stop implying please that people who choose otherwise are somehow thick and that you are on a higher intellectual plain.

Of course there are some people who get into monogamy who are not suited to it- but the same can be said of people who try the lifestyle you presumably enjoy- and mess up people's heads and lives just the same.

TobyLerone · 21/02/2011 09:17

I will never agree with the 'more evolved' thing.

tadpoles · 21/02/2011 09:30

Cabbageroses - "all the world's great literature for the past 500 years" has had the theme of the desire for a monogamous relationship". You cannot be serious, surely?

It seems to me that a fair amount of literature from the past has been about the misery/boredom of monogamy (Madame Bovary, much of Colette's writing etc). Both men and women have tried quite hard to break free from the confines of marriage in the past and have written about it too!

A lot of women traditionally got a pretty raw deal from the married state - and it is not THAT long ago that a woman was considered to be a man's property - and still is in many parts of the world. Adultery committed by women is punishable by death in certain parts of the world STILL. The men get off scott-free.

It is really only relatively recently that a woman has had much power or control in marriage and those that seek to deny that are simply re-wiritng history.

Anyway, that is another topic entirely.

My main gripe when it comes to the monogamy subject is that there is this myth that, just because someone is not "cheating" they are a signed-up monogamist. The fact that they have a string of ex-wives (or husbands) with assorted children littered behind them is neither here nor there.

I sometimes question whether this type of serial monogamy which is now socially acceptable is any better than the more traditional wife plus mistress route which served some of the non-monogamists quite well in the past, before divorce made serial monogamy acceptable.

Both types of arrangement are evidence that lifelong monogamy does not suit everyone.

tadpoles · 21/02/2011 09:39

To the poster who asked why I chose to remain monogamous. I got married a long time ago when I was quite young.

I am monogamous because it is expected of me by society and I can't be bothered to go through the hassle of a separation/divorce with all the trauma that is usually associated with it. I get on well with my partner, we have a harmonious relationship, so the only reason for my splitting up would be the desire for sex with someone different. That strikes me as quite selfish and I don't want to disrupt my children's lives.

As I already stated, the affair route is an option, but it now seems to be so socially unacceptable that I don't think it would be worth the hassle.

My desire not to disrupt my children's lives is greater than my desire to have sex with other people.

minxofmancunia · 21/02/2011 09:52

SGB
"The ones who mess up their own lives and other people's are the ones who have swallowed the One True Love propaganda and not questioned or examined it."

That was me exactly in my younger days before dh, I'm ashamed to say I wasn't faithful to any of my partners, I got bored, I invariably ended one unsatisfying relationship by ricocheting chaotically into another, and proceeded to do their heads in too Sad Blush.

My feelings and situation is similar to tadpoles. I married age 30 seduced by the idea of living the dream and one great love. However me and dh don't have a harmonious relationship, I am constantly stressed and miserable although I do love him. I won't have an affair as it's not fair and I don't have time (!). I do not wish to hurt or upset my children. We have discussed an open relationship, he heard me out but it's a no go. He's been distinctly more arsey with me since then. I wish I'd never brought it up.

I wish I'd known there were other choices and options. The way i live my life is for the sake of my children happiness at the expense of my own, but that's the way it has to be.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 21/02/2011 09:54

Cabbageroses: All the great romantic literature involves wanting or having sex with someone you shouldn't be having sex with - the initial invention of romantic love was all about wandering minstrels pursuing married queens etc, and the dilemmas are usually resolved by someone dying.

minxofmancunia · 21/02/2011 10:00

A lot of the great romantic literature is very mysogynistic, Thomas Hardy (Tess anyone Hmm?)

Flaubert? (Emma Bovary came to a sticky end, literally).

cabbageroses · 21/02/2011 11:30

Minx- that is a very sad admission. Remember that your children will one day be adults- and then what will be left for you? You do have a choice- you have now chosen- perhaps until your children are older- to remain monogamous.
Maybe it is monogamy you are fighting against but the fact you are tied to the wrong man?

Going back to the original point- having temporary ( shallow?) relationships is fine as long as it suits you (both) nad you don't fall in love or decide that you really do not want to be with anyone else.

I don't see how anyone who says they are non monogamous can guarantee 100% that they will never meet anyone with whom they would like to be with on a more permanent basis.

Likewise, even if they are clear that this will never happen ( and you cannot control all your emotions) then how do you guarantee that the other person won't fall for you and want something more than a temporary fling?

I think the messiness of people's lives comes from thinking we want on e thingbu tin practice we want another- we change, our emotions change, and it's a brave- or foolish- person who says they will never feel differently to how they do this moment.

snowmama · 21/02/2011 11:44

ahem .. CR .. much as I am trying to stay away from this thread.

Isn't your argument also an argument against monogamy and marriage because - "the messiness of people's lives comes from thinking we want on e thingbu tin practice we want another- we change, our emotions change, and it's a brave- or foolish- person who says they will never feel differently to how they do this moment."

Which is why what ever you choose - it should be well thought through. Actually, I don't see non-monogamy as temporary/shallow relationships - I do have a couple of those friendships at the moment, and they are great fun, but will never be an involved part of my life.

However, when I am ready, I would like to negotiate a emotionally involved relationship(s) - which allow for a non-monogomous set up. For me that is something different and I think it would suit me better than my previous experience of monogomous relationships.

cabbageroses · 21/02/2011 12:08

Snow- I don't really understand what you are saying at the start of your post- about monogamy and marriage.

If you want a non-committed relationship later in life that is fine- as long as you can find a man who is happy to go along with that.

Personally, I think that finding someone who is happy with that- but wants an emotional attachment at the same time- which you say you want- is very hard to find.

I suspect- from what men have told me- they are inclined to be more jealous of women being non-monogamous when they are having sex with them, than perhaps women are of men doing the same.

Historically, women have turned a blind eye to men having mistresses ( yes maybe for socio-economic reasons in previous generations) but men are more likely to be intolerant of their wives/partners doing the same.

As I said, the trouble with being non-monogamous in theory is that one person may at some point meet a person they want to be with permanently- this canot be "thought through" in the same way that for instance you might decide to buy a model of car - emotions are volatile things.

whichever life you choose- monogamous or not, people are going to get hurt somewhere along the line.

which is what this OP was asking- how can you be in an open relationship(s) and not hurt another person?

TobyLerone · 21/02/2011 12:14

cabbageroses I think you need to do some more research on this before you post too much more. You seem to be under the impression that one can only be in a non-monogamous relationship if it is a short-term, non-serious fling. Then when one decides one wants to 'settle down' with someone permanently, one must suddenly become monogamous.

There are very, very many poly couples who are in very long-term relationships or who are married, and happily conduct open relationships. It is perfectly possible to be in love with someone and still have the capacity to love someone else at the same time.