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Original poster

I have turned into the invisible woman.

62 replies

Professor · 16/02/2011 21:15

Hello all, need some advice on this as I don't know what to do next.

Have been married nearly 9 years with 3 young DCs.
DH is hardworking, a good provider, and easygoing and laid back.

Has always bought me flowers on V day, but nothing this time.

When I jokingly asked him where my flowers were, he just looked at me and said "I didn't think you liked that sort of stuff". He has always got me flowers, and I have always loved this.

Anyway, today I actually bought myself 2 dozen red roses, because they were reduced so practically giving them away. Also, I felt hurt and wanted to 'make a point'.

Put them in a vase in a prominent position, and he said absolutely nothing.

Did not ask where they came from (they MIGHT have been from someone else). Just nothing.

I feel like I have become the invisible woman.
Just feel so sad, even though Valentines is so overrated, I still feel hurt.

I seem to have become a nonentity to my DH. I try to keep myself looking good, and I do think I am quite attractive (not in a WAG way of course) but we can't all look like Cheryl Cole all day long can we?.

I don't really know why this is bothering me so much, but it is.

Do I just need to get over myself or what?

OP posts:
WherecanIhide · 16/02/2011 21:16

How are things with his generally?

WherecanIhide · 16/02/2011 21:16

'him'

MigratingCoconuts · 16/02/2011 21:18

No, everyone needs to feel special. I totally understand what you mean.

When was the last time you went out together just the two of you? Do you go away for weekend breaks?

I think you need to suggest something like this to remember what your relationship is about.

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 16/02/2011 21:20

YABU, but YANBU Grin

2dcs has knocked most romance out of our marriage so 3 must certainly wipe out quite a bit of romance.

I'm sure your dh doesn't think of you as the invisible woman, but things can become rather complacent, can't they?

Rather than brood about it, why not get the dcs to a babysitter for a night, go out (or stay in) get rdunk and giddy, chuck on a showpony outfit Grin and remind dh what he's lucky to have got!

You might not think it's your job to get things a bit back on track, but, tbh, if you waited for someblokes to kick themselves up the arse, well, you'd be waiting all day Grin

Plus, what did you get dh for valentines day?

And he probably a) hasn't registered the roses, or b) assumed you have bargain hunted the day after valentines day and bought them yourself cheap Grin

here, have this though Wine

Original poster
Professor · 16/02/2011 21:22

He has always done quite romantic stuff on V day and Anniversary. One year he got me a love spoon with our names engraved on it. Tacky but romantic.

He has been a bit distant over last few months, but then with 3 small DCs, work, life, etc, what marriage doesn't go a bit staid?

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 16/02/2011 21:24

You daft nugget, buying yourself recuced roses to make a pointGrin Get off MN and talk to hinm about this now. And then have sex.

Original poster
Professor · 16/02/2011 21:27

I actually got DH a 'Love Monkey' that you wrap round your neck and he wolf whistles, giggles and shakes. Corny But I never know what to get him, and I thought it was cute.

We have not been out together, as a couple, since before DC3 was born, and he is 3 next month.

We just have nobody to babysit for us, so he goes out a couple of times a week on his own.

Would love to go for a meal but it's not possible, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
maltesers · 16/02/2011 21:35

Thats such a shame. You both need to go out together and have a drink/meal. 3 yrs is a dam long time. Plus, he is out a few times per week, as you said, so he has no desire I guess to organise and pay for a sitter. Things have to change. . .dont let it all go stale. He is taking you for granted. . . .you dont deserve this.
Its not right that he goes out and you dont.. . .you are not the nanny, you are his wife and deserve better. Try to find a babysitter. . .it is possible. Maybe advertise and interview a few people so you have someone you like and trust. I imagine your DH is spending money when out each week that he could put towards a babysitter ? ?

cestlavielife · 17/02/2011 09:49

why cant you meet him for lunch?

why have you let 3 years go by (both of you - not just blaming you!) without organising a babysitter? or getting grandparents to come babysit or ???

can you organise with friends? presume otehr two are older - do they go on sleepovers? so they could be on sleepovers and you only need sort out baby sitter for teh youngest/ unless you live in the middle of nowhere (and even then) there has to be babysitter agency around or you could advertise?

what do you do as a family on weekends?

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 10:04

We just have nobody to babysit for us, so he goes out a couple of times a week on his own

I used to do that.
Well, once a week; exDW used to go out once/twice a week, too so I got to do dad things.

Get a baby sitter.
He's a good provider, so he'll pay.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 10:19

There is no such thing as no one to babysit pay some one to do it, doing nothing together as a couple so bad for a relationship. Supposing it's just once a month.

He goes out on his own and that makes his social "fun" time with other people not you, there is nothing wrong with being a little "high mantenace" at times, it just reminds your OH that you are a girl who likes flowers and romance as well as the woman who looks after kids, house and him.

Men need things pointed out to them, i'm sure he didn't bat his eyes at flowers that were there because he's the only one who goes out!

You should get out too for the odd drink with the girls or to an excersice class or whatever you want to do, I am not trying to be harsh but you cant let yourself get stuck in a rut and then wonder why the romance has gone out your relationship.

95% of the time i'm helpful, accomidating and make everyones life easy for them but when OH starts taking me for granted damn do I get high mantenance and you should see him jump!:)

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 10:49

TangledScotland
^ when OH starts taking me for granted damn do I get high mantenance and you should see him jump"

presumably, when you take him for granted and he goes all high maintenance you jump, too?Grin

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 17/02/2011 10:52

I have to say that when I read posts like yours and especially the line that "he has been distant for a few months..." I always wonder whether he is having an affair, especially when I see he goes out on his own once or twice a week. Is that possible? Is that what you wanted to discuss?

Roisinniamh · 17/02/2011 10:54

I wondered about that too, sorry!

Mymblesson · 17/02/2011 13:16

Men need things pointed out to them

Rolls eyes. FFS.

stubbornhubby · 17/02/2011 14:53

I think I can safely tell you exactly what the problem is ..

"I actually got DH a 'Love Monkey' that you wrap round your neck and he wolf whistles, giggles and shakes"

it's not too late to behead the love monkey.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 15:38

OneMoreChap I guess he would but he always says one of the things he loves about me is I don't take him for granted, not being smug, just dont want to make the same mistakes I maybe made in the past

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 15:39

Whether or not there is any possibility of a breach of monogamy, this man is taking the piss. How come he's the only one who gets a social life? Tell him you want a night out once a week and he can look after the DC.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 15:41

Mymblesson maybe i'm the only woman who needs to state the bloody obvious to my partner at times but I dont think I am

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 15:41

he always says one of the things he loves about me is I don't take him for granted

Excellent TangledScotland! See, blokes can be subtle too Grin

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 15:44

Lol yes they can, but as long as we are happy, i'm not to worried about how we get there :)

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2011 16:03

stubbornhubby, you're my kind of guy! Grin

stubbornhubby · 17/02/2011 16:05

Anniegetyourgun by any chance - do you need any shelves put up?

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2011 16:16

I've got a handy son for that sort of thing, but thank you kindly for the offer. (Son also has a monkey puppet, but it is emphatically not a love monkey. It squats in the chocolate cupboard, plotting world domination. I think that can be allowed.)

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 17/02/2011 18:05

getting someone a love monkey because you "never know what to get him" is possibly as bad as (if not worse than) no present at all. if you don't know what to get him, why not? this is the man you are supposed to love as your life partner. you should have some clue as to what to get as a present and the fact that you don't shows your relationship needs work.

as for buying the flowers to get a response. i totally sympathise with your pain and disappointment that he didn't get you anything but i think you'll agree this wasn't a very successful strategy at sorting it out. why not just tell him you were hurt by the lack of valentine's since he has always got you something in the past?

is it possible you haven't shown much appreciation for the gifts / flowers / cards etc before. if so he may well have reasonably assumed that you don't much care for that sort of stuff.

if i were you i'd try some straight talking (and listening) rather than the game of doing things to get a reaction (that you don't get).

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